Finding JT DiMara

The Final Book in the Once Upon a Time
in Bridgeport Series

CH Maddington

Copyright © 2024 CH Maddington

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.  

For permission requests, contact: chmaddington@gmail.com

This is a complete work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used solely in a fictitious manner.

NO IDENTIFICATION with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, brands, and/or products is intended or should be inferred. There is absolutely NO affiliation or connection to anyone associated with the real teams or organizations featured in this purely fictional story.

To all those who continue to believe the lies their trauma tells them.

No matter what you’ve endured, you are important, you are worthy of love, and you deserve all the good things this world has to offer.

Finding JT DiMara Playlist

Available on Spotify

 “Monsters” by Shinedown

“Do I Wanna Know?” by Arctic Monkeys 

“Believe (feat. Goodboys)” by ACRAZE 

“Lose Control” by MEDUZA, Becky Hill, Goodboys 

“Move Along” by The All-American Rejects

“Wonderwall” by Oasis

“Mindreader” by A Day to Remember 

“Day ‘N’ Nite (nightmare)" by Kid Cudi 

“On My Own” by The Used 

“Why Can’t This Be Love?” by Van Halen 

“Still Counting” by Volbeat 

“Falling Away from Me” by Korn 

“Atrophy” by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus 

“If You Can’t Hang” by Sleeping With Sirens 

“Demons” by Imagine Dragons 

“Robot Boy” by Linkin Park 

“Cute Without the ‘E’ (Cut From the Team) by Taking Back Sunday 

“A Favor House Atlantic” by Coheed and Cambria 

“Stupid Kid” by Alkaline Trio 

“Disenchanted” by My Chemical Romance 

“Happiness Is a Butterfly” by Lana Del Rey 

“The Great Escape” by Boys Like Girls 

“My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit 

“What if I Was Nothing?” by All That Remains 

“Bitter Sweet Symphony” by The Verve

Foreword

Welcome back, readers! If you came back after that Taming Tyler Hayes epilogue, you’re one of the real ones. That wasn’t for the faint of heart, and I’d just like to take a moment and remind you how much I appreciate you taking a chance on yet another crazy CH Maddington story. 

This is book three and the final installment of the Once Upon a Time in Bridgeport hockey series, and it’s bittersweet for me. I am going to miss these characters so much, but I’m so grateful to have spent this time with them, and my hope is that you are as well. 

Ah, Jacob Tyler DiMara. 

What can I say about this kid except for the fact that he MAY be my favorite character

I've ever written (Ryan holds a special place, and of course, Ty, but this kid definitely stole my heart). 

If you've read books 1 and 2, you know who JT DiMara is and you know that he has been through it. Orphaned by the age of 15, anger and abandonment issues, and don't even get me started on that mouth of his. 

But JT is so much more than that. 

Yes, he's a pain in the ass, but he also has a heart of gold and would go to war for those he loves. The problem is finding those he loves, as JT doesn't feel he is worthy of being loved.

He's the kid who's a loner. He's the kid who shares too much too fast and always wrecks his relationships. He's the kid who hates having to explain his sexuality to people and constantly having them respond with, "It's no big deal." He's the kid who desperately wants a connection with someone else, but who knows his anger issues cause him to hurt people. He's the kid who thinks he's stupid because he's been able to skate by academically his whole life without anyone realizing that he has a learning disability. 

He's the kid who's about to have his world absolutely rocked by his 18-year old teammate and roommate, Ryker McCreery, and his 33-year-old English tutor, Audrey Winston. 

This book will have its moments of sadness/hurt, but it will also have its moments of triumph and happiness as you watch JT find himself and discover who exactly he was meant to be. 

Also, you will get to see Ryan and Ty in their 40's, and honestly, this might have been my favorite part of writing this book, next to JT himself. 

That being said, there are several trigger and content warnings that I urge you to read and understand before you decide to delve into JT DiMara’s story: 

Trigger and Content Warnings: 

High angst

Negative self-talk

Reference to death of parents

Reference to cheating (not between main characters)  

Reference to sexual assault 

Anger issues

Abandonment issues

Anxiety

Depression and description of a suicide attempt 

Physical altercations

Revenge porn

Alcohol and drug use (including underage college students) 

Eating disorder (atypical anorexia nervosa) 

Erectile dysfunction (stress-induced)

A LOT of very strong language  

A LOT of explicit sexual content 

If you’re good with all that, please enjoy this, the final book in the Once Upon a Time in Bridgeport hockey series, and thank you again for reading. 

-CH Maddington

Community Service (1)

May

“Come on.”

JT grabbed Tyson, his old teammate and one of the new 8u coaches, by the hand and pulled him into the Zamboni room at Ryler Arena. 

“You sure we won’t get in trouble, man? I kinda don’t wanna get on Hayes’s bad side.” 

“Nah, fuck that. It doesn’t even start for another, what?” JT pulled his phone out and checked the time. “Like, forty-five minutes. We’re good. Plenty of time.” 

The two made their way toward the back of the room, where there was a door that led to the storage closet. JT pulled it open, with Tyson following him inside, then turned to lock it behind them. He reached into his back pocket, removed a vape pen, pressed it between his full, pouty lips, and pulled for about five seconds before exhaling the smoke and handing it over. 

“Thanks,” Tyson said, doing the same as the two sat down and rested their backs against some bumpers that were stacked along the wall. “So, what the hell you doin’ back here, anyway? Thought you were in Nebraska or some shit.” 

“I was,” JT said, eyes closed. “But the season ended and I can’t play in the USHL anymore because I’ve hit the ripe old age of 20. So,” he pulled again and exhaled, “I’m back in Tampa so I can figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to do with my life now.” 

“Wait…I thought you committed to Penn State? Aren’t you gonna play NCAA next year?” 

JT closed his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, there’s been a little hiccup with that plan.” 

“Why? What happened?”

“Well, remember how stupid I was in middle school?” He laughed bitterly. “Turns out, I never got any smarter. I, uh, couldn’t pass my English core class, so…” 

“Shit, man. I’m sorry.” 

“Thanks. I mean, there are some options. I’m actually meeting with my family advisor tomorrow to go over some of them, none of which are ideal. But it’s better than working some dead-end job in this shithole. For now, though, I’m riding out the rest of my community service here at the beautiful Ryler Arena, helping you coach those little crotch goblins who can barely skate.” 

“Community service?” Tyson asked. “What’d you do?”

JT smirked, shaking his head slightly. “I, uh, let’s just say I got caught with my pants down. Public indecency, they called it. Was able to get off, no pun intended, with just probation. Ty somehow worked his magic and got them to allow me to serve it here.” He shrugged, then added, “At least that dickhead is good for something.” 

Both of them hit the pen a few more times before JT shoved it back into his pocket. They reached their arms up, folded their hands behind their heads, and lay there in silence for a bit, enjoying the relaxation of the high. 

Finally, Tyson spoke. “Alright, though. For real, I need to hear what happened.” 

JT turned his head toward the young man, eyes lidded and a smirk creeping across his face. “So, like, there was this one bar we always went to because they didn’t care that our ID’s were faker than a stripper’s tits. Anyway, long story short, I ended up in a back alley against the trunk of the bartender’s car. Apparently, the place was a known prostitution hangout, so the cops were right there. I fucking…got busted mid-nut.” He laughed, then shrugged. “Got to finish at least, though, before they slapped the bracelets on me.” 

“Damn, man. That’s wild,” Tyson said, glancing at his former d-man. 

“Yeah. Ty was not happy. Had to fly to Nebraska to bail me out.” 

“Oh, wow. I can just imagine the obscenities that must’ve come outta his mouth,” Tyson laughed. Even though he was now in his 40’s, Tyler Hayes’s filthy mouth was still in its 20’s. “Anyway, she at least hot?” 

“Nah.”

“No?”

“He was. Hot, I mean.”  

Their eyes locked, a curious look taking over Tyson’s face as JT bit his bottom lip, dragging his teeth over it slowly to draw his friend’s attention. 

“I, uh, I didn’t know you were…gay.” 

JT kept his eyes on Tyson’s. “I’m not.” He watched as Tyson raised an eyebrow and scrunched up his lips. “I’m, uh, into the wine, not the label.” 

“Excellent reference, friend.” Tyson nodded and smiled, then added, “Same.” 

“Yeah?” JT sat up, moving his hands from behind his head, reaching into his pocket for his phone, and checking the time again. “You know, still about 15 minutes before we gotta start setting up the stations.” 

He set his phone down on the floor as Tyson sat up, putting them within inches of each other’s faces. JT snaked a hand around the back of his head and pulled him in like he was gonna kiss him, but stopped when he felt Tyson part his lips. “Something you want?” JT breathed against them, taunting him. 

Tyson nodded his head rapidly, sliding both his hands around the back of JT’s neck and attempting to pull him forward, but he resisted. “Come on,” he whined, removing one hand and dragging it down the front of JT’s body, stopping in his lap. “Quit being…a fuckin’ tease.” 

“Oh, I’m being a tease? Why don’t you quit whining and wrap that hand around my cock then?” JT moaned as he felt Tyson palm his throbbing dick through his warm up pants and take hold of him. “That’s a good boy. Now,” he said, pressing his lips against Tyson’s and pulling away as soon as their tongues touched, “you’re gonna get on your knees and I’m gonna stand up so I can fuck that throat of yours. Got it?” 

Tyson was already on the ground and yanking JT’s pants and briefs down to his ankles before he’d even finished that sentence. 

Jacob Tyler DiMara may not have been book smart. 

He may have had anger and abandonment issues. 

He may have gotten into trouble with the law on more than one occasion. 

Jacob Tyler DiMara came up short in so many areas of his life, but aside from hockey, this was the one area in which he shined brighter than the sun. 

Sex is where he was confident, and he knew damn well that he could bring any man or woman to their knees. 

Quite literally.

Though he preferred guys, he didn’t discriminate, having been with his fair share of both guys and girls.
Did they stick around once the fun was over? 

Never.

Not that he’d even let them if they’d tried. 

But it didn’t matter. 

For that moment, however long it lasted, JT was actually in control of something in his life. 

For that moment, he didn’t have to obsess over the fact that, having been orphaned at the age of 15, then sent away and shoved into an intensive hockey program with little time for anything else, he effectively had no clue who the hell he even was. 

For that moment, he was someone, and he was needed. 

His dick halfway down Tyson’s throat, JT gripped his hair with both hands and tilted his head up. “Look at me,” he ordered. “That’s right. I wanna watch you suck it like the filthy little slut I always knew you were.” 

He felt his friend moan around his length and watched as he let his knees slide out to either side, putting his groin flush against the floor of the storage closet. He began grinding into it, trying to get some friction against his own throbbing cock. “You’re getting hard from this, huh?” JT asked in a low voice, and Tyson nodded desperately, removing his mouth from JT but continuing to jerk him off with slow twists. 

“So fucking hard,” Tyson panted. 

“I bet you wanna cum, too, don’t you?” 

“So bad.”

“Then why don’t you fuck your hand while you suck me?” 

As if he’d been waiting for JT’s permission, Tyson slid his hand down the front of his pants and took hold of his cock, spreading some of the precum around the thick head before beginning to move his hand in long, slow strokes. “Fuck,” he moaned, before sliding JT back inside his mouth and gagging as he slammed into the back of his throat. 

“Mmm, this feels so good. But don’t cum until I tell you to. I wanna cum with you.”  

Tyson nodded, continuing to bob his head feverishly up and down JT’s rock-hard length. 

“You’re close, aren’t you?” JT said softly. “I can tell by how aggressively you’re going after it. You wanna cum?” 

“Yes, please!” Tyson begged, removing JT from his mouth again. 

JT grabbed his own dick with one hand and used his other to steady himself on Tyson’s shoulder as he lowered himself to the floor, putting them face-to-face. Breathing heavily, he reached down and took hold of his former teammate, clutching both of their swollen dicks in his hand. He leaned forward and kissed Tyson, whose lips were already parted in anticipation. “You close? You gonna cum hard for me, slut?” JT growled. 

“Fuck…shit…”

“I’ll take that as a yes. I want my name on your lips when you do. You understand?”

“Yes. Can I? Please?” 

“Look at you. Such a good boy, waiting until I give you the green light.” 

“Fuck, JT. I’m gonna go…please.” His voice cracked, and JT smiled, giving their cocks a final squeeze that sent them both hurtling over the edge. “Ugh, JT, shit.” 

JT whimpered, staring down between them and watching both of their dicks pulsing streams of thick, hot cum that dripped down the sides of his hand and pooled on the floor beneath them.

He let go, brought his hand up to Tyson’s mouth, and ran it against his lips. “Clean it up,” he said, as his friend began licking the combination of their release off his palm. JT wiped the remainder onto his shirt since he’d be changing anyway, then grabbed the back of Tyson’s head and pulled him forward so their lips met, quickly followed by their tongues. 

But he was careful not to stay there too long. “We taste good together, don’t we?”  

Tyson nodded, a dopey grin on his face before it faded when the post-nut clarity began to hit. They both stood up and pulled their clothes back on, and just as JT was about to check his phone again for the time, they heard the doorknob jiggling wildly followed by several loud bangs against the closet door. 

“JT! Open this fuckin’ door right now!”

We Lost Track of Time (2) 

“Shit!” Tyson said, panic filling his eyes. 

But JT, completely unfazed, waved him off. “Don’t worry about him,” he calmly replied, leisurely walking over to the door, unlocking it, and pulling it open. “Oh, good. You found us. Your turn to hide now.” 

“Real funny,” Hayes muttered, pushing past JT and pointing at Tyson. “You wanna tell me why I’m payin’ you to coach and I’ve got a bunch of angry 8u parents out there wonderin’ why the fuck their practice hasn’t started yet?”

“I’m sorry, Hayes. JT said we had…”

“Chill,” JT said, stepping in between Hayes and Tyson. “We lost track of time. Hey, get out there. I’ll be out in a sec.” 

“Sorry, Hayes,” Tyson apologized again, quickly exiting the storage closet. 

Hayes let his eyes fall upon the mess the two boys had left on the floor, then lifted them back up to meet JT’s. “Right. This is supposed to be community service, JT. Instead, you’re in here gettin’ high and jerkin’ off my employees.”

“Whoa, what…”

“Save it,” Hayes quickly interrupted, pointing to the camera in the top corner of the room. “Also, thanks. Now I need to bleach my fuckin’ eyeballs.”

“I mean, Tyson is a member of our community. And I did, in fact, service him, so, I don’t know.” JT shrugged. “I’m thinking it counts.” 

Hayes didn’t even slightly crack a smile. 

“Alright, whatever,” JT sighed, rubbing his forehead. “So, I jerked him off. But listen…”

“Don’t ‘but listen’ me!” Hayes yelled. “Do you ever wanna be anything besides a screwup? Huh?”

JT looked Hayes dead in his eyes. “I learned from the best.” 

Shut up, Hayes thought. Let it go. You know how he is. 

Just shut up.

Shut. Up.

No luck.

“Your mother would be so proud right now, eh?” 

And he instantly regretted it as soon as the words left his lips. 

JT stepped toward Hayes and drove a finger into his chest. “Do not talk about my mother.” Though he was a few inches shorter than Hayes at six feet, JT had about 30 pounds of pure muscle on him. 

Either way, Hayes wasn’t shook. “What? You gonna fight me, kid? ‘Cause I promise you,” Hayes said quietly, grabbing JT’s hand and shoving it away from his chest, “it’ll be the last goddamn thing you ever do. Now get your ass out on that ice.” 

Narrowing his eyes as his pulse began to quicken, JT felt his anger starting to rise within him. He tried to hearken back to his therapy sessions, tried to remember some of the skills he’d been taught to get it under control.

It’d never been an issue for him until his father died unexpectedly at age 12. Ever since the moment he came home from school and found his mother screaming on the living room floor, it’d moved in, set up shop, and refused to leave, no matter how wildly he fought it. 

Deep breath in.

4-7-8.

4-7…

He pushed past Hayes, bumping him with his shoulder as he headed toward the door, but not before slamming both his fists repeatedly into one of the shelves on the way out, causing about 30 rolls of brown, commercial grade paper towels to come crashing to the floor. 

“You’re cleanin’ this shit up when you’re done!” Hayes called after him. 

“Fuck off!” he yelled back just as Ryan hurried through the door of the storage closet and stared at the mess of towels, confused. 

“What…the hell was that all about? What happened?” 

Hayes raked his fingers through his hair, most of it silver at this point due to age and the stress of having raised basically a younger, angrier version of himself for the past five years. “JT. He’s supposed to be out there coachin' with Tyson, and instead they were in here gettin’ high and…” He stopped, pointing to the mess the two had left on the floor and shuddering. “This fuckin’ kid, man. Just when I think he can’t possibly be more of a disappointment, he’s like, ‘Hold my beer, asshole!’ He’s…he’s…” 

Hayes stopped talking when Ryan stepped in front of him, placed both his hands on his face, and pulled their foreheads together. “He’s you, baby. And he’s been through hell. Hey,” Ryan said softly against Hayes’s lips, pressing his own against them for the sweetest and quickest of kisses. “You remember some of the shit we used to get up to when we were around his age? How many times we had each other’s dicks in our mouths when we were supposed to be doing something else?”

Hayes nodded. “I slightly recall some things of that nature.” 

“Then cut him some slack. I’ll talk to him, OK?” Ryan let go and pulled away. “Also, I’ll make sure he cleans this up.” 

And he would.

JT’s relationship with Ryan Baylor was far less turbulent than his relationship with Tyler Hayes, as Ryan had a much longer fuse with the kid than his husband did. The first year following Amara’s death wasn’t pretty. Not only were Hayes and Ryan dealing with their own extreme grief from losing her, which had caused Hayes to temporarily relapse on alcohol again, but they’d both had to try to reel JT back in after he had almost completely gone off the deep end. 

She’d held on for about two months after her conversation with Hayes about her cancer diagnosis at Ryler, and JT had taken a break from hockey to spend every waking moment by the side of the woman he loved more than anything in the world. He’d fed her, bathed her, carried her when she could no longer walk, and cried for her when her body was just too weak to produce any more of its own tears. 

And when he sat holding her hand as she took her final breath, having been on in-home hospice surrounded by all her boys, a part of him took its final breath with her. 

JT and Amara, though they had their issues like any parent and child did, had been each other’s rocks since Jake died; she was the only one who could calm his raging temper when it flared. Just her hand on his shoulder would put him at ease and diffuse any situation. He carried a lot of guilt for the way he would take his anger out on her, but he’d always eventually apologize. And Amara had never once held it against him. 

Her death had destroyed him, had devastated him to the point where his already broken 15-year-old soul just couldn’t handle it. 

In the weeks following, and though it broke them mentally, Ryan and Hayes had no choice but to enter JT into an inpatient therapy program after a fit of rage that caused over $2,000 in damage to their home, followed by a suicide attempt. 

He remained in inpatient treatment for two weeks and ultimately returned to live with them. When speaking with JT’s therapist, in addition to several anger management strategies, the advice they were given was to “keep this kid as busy as possible.” 

The solution that made the most sense to Ryan and Hayes was to keep him as busy as possible with hockey. As someone who had a natural talent for the sport, JT was being actively scouted at the time by the Tri-City Storm of the USHL, the top junior ice hockey league in the US.

The team really wanted him, but there were several concerns, mainly his reckless behavior and infamous temper, which almost prevented it from happening. As usual, Hayes stepped in and assured the organization that things would work themselves out, that JT was dealing with way more than any 15-year-old child should ever have to, and to please give him the chance to prove himself. 

And they did.

The only person JT had to thank for making it to juniors at all was Tyler Hayes. That man, though continuously frustrated by his behavior and treatment of him, would do anything he had to for Jacob Tyler DiMara. 

And JT hated that. 

His issue with Ty wasn’t personal; it mostly boiled down to the fact that they were almost the same exact person. Ty had never a day in his life put up with JT’s bullshit, and JT didn’t mince words when it came to how he felt. The phrase “You’re not my fucking father, asshole!” may as well have played repeatedly on a loop in the Hayes-Baylor home. 

When the dust had settled from JT’s inpatient stay and he’d gotten back to playing, Hayes and Ryan had been approached by the scout for the Storm following a 16u tournament at Ryler. They’d figured the change of scenery and increased responsibility might be a positive thing for him. 

After a brief conversation, JT was invited to attend the USHL combine, during which he absolutely killed it. He was drafted during Phase I a few weeks later and ultimately made the final roster, which meant he’d be moving in with a billet family and relocating to Kearney, Nebraska. 

Both Hayes and Ryan had sat him down and talked to him extensively about all of the fine print involved with being away from home at such a young age and playing junior hockey: he’d still be required to attend his high school classes via distance learning, he’d need to keep his grades up, and, perhaps most importantly, he’d need to keep his dick in his pants. 

“A lot of girls, a lot of women, JT, they’re gonna…I mean, they’re not…shit. Hayes, help me out here.” Ryan stumbled over his words as they sat on JT’s bed while he packed his things. 

“They’re gonna wanna fuck your brains out,” Hayes blurted out, causing Ryan to smack his husband in the chest. “What? They are. They’re gonna see you as a sex object, nothing more. You gotta fight that shit with everything you got, you understand me?” 

“Wow. Um, OK,” he’d said with a smirk, cramming his t-shirts into his suitcase without even so much as attempting to fold them. “I’m just a 16-year-old kid, man…” 

“It doesn’t matter to them. I’m tellin’ you,” Hayes had asserted. “It…really doesn’t matter to some of them.” 

JT snickered, closing the lid to his suitcase and zipping it shut. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it sounds like you’re speaking from experience.” 

Hayes and Ryan had looked at each other, with Ryan nodding, giving him the OK. The two men had always had a knack for being able to communicate with just their body language, and 20 years of marriage had only enhanced that talent; they knew each other inside and out. 

They’d always been very careful not to divulge any details about the nature of their relationship with Amara so as not to upset JT. As far as he knew, they were just good friends who’d ended up becoming family. 

But this one was a story JT needed to hear. 

“I am, JT. I was…taken advantage of when I was about your age by my coach’s wife. And it fucked me up for a very long time. Just…be careful around the older women, OK? And for the love of God, JT. Stay away from your billet mom. Please.” 

“Did you know,” JT had begun, as he grabbed another bag and dumped the contents of his nightstand drawer into it, “that the term ‘billet’ referred to where a soldier was assigned to sleep and the private residence that had to take him in? It’s, uh, like I’m goin’ off to war, huh?” 

Hayes rolled his eyes, watching as about 20 condoms, two bottles of lube, and a butt plug were among the items JT had transferred into the bag. “You kind of are, kid. And…I’m serious, JT. Leave the mom alone.” 

He’d stopped what he was doing, dramatically folded his arms, cocked his head to the side, and said with a straight face, “So, I mean, can I fuck with the dad, or…?” 

Hayes shook his head as Ryan damn-near choked on his own saliva. “This fuckin’ kid, Rook. What are we gonna do with him?”

And within two weeks of JT moving, they had their answer as to what they were gonna do with him: retain a lawyer, hop on a plane to the Cornhusker State, and bail him out of jail when he was placed in temporary custody for trespassing and possession of alcohol. 

JT and two of his teammates had been busted in a park for underage drinking after practice one night. Since it was their first offense and because they were members of the beloved Storm, the judge had taken it easy on them. The two older guys had gotten away with suspended driver’s licenses for 30 days and all three were required to attend an alcohol education class. 

Additionally, the lawyer had gotten the court to agree to seal his record, which was similar to expungement. JT’s previous run-in with the law for possession of marijuana wasn’t on his permanent record either, so he’d lucked out yet again. 

The Storm organization, however, was not too happy. The three boys received a five-game suspension. Hayes had stepped in and done some serious schmoozing with the brass, part of which included a detailed history of JT’s rough go as well as a very generous donation. Following the meeting, JT was informed that if he so much as sneezed the wrong way, he’d be released from the team. 

And to everyone’s surprise, he’d been able to semi-hold it together for the next three years, having been scouted by Penn State University and committing to them in his second season of juniors.

During his final year, though, following a rough breakup with a girl he’d been seeing, things began to fall apart again for JT. It started with him getting busted for public indecency. He’d been sentenced to 100 hours of community service, which was the least possible sentence, again thanks to Tyler Hayes. 

Not only was he dealing with another misdemeanor, but he hadn’t been able to meet the NCAA academic eligibility requirements, which was a massive problem. He’d always struggled in his classes, but especially with English. He just wasn’t a good reader or writer; he couldn’t concentrate and the words always got jumbled up in his brain every time he tried to make sense of them. 

So, at some point, he’d stopped trying altogether. 

His entire life, because of his status as a hockey god, most teachers looked the other way and let him slide. However, his English 3 teacher, with whom he’d butted heads on several occasions, would not. Unfortunately, Hayes hadn’t been able to fix this one. And since that was a required core course, JT found himself falling just shy of his core course GPA. 

Hence, the current mess he was in. 

You’re Out of Options Here, Kid (3)

Hayes sighed, checking the time again and pacing the kitchen as Ryan finished getting dinner ready. “He’s almost a half hour late and he’s not answerin’ his phone. I’m…Rook, I’m gonna kill him.” 

“No, you’re not,” Ryan said calmly, draining the pasta into the sink. “You talk a big game, but I see right through you. We both know you’d take a bullet for that kid. Relax. He’ll be here.” 

Hayes exhaled, frustrated, knowing his husband was right, as usual. “I really don’t get how you’re able to keep your cool with him all the time.” 

“Because I understand him, Hayes. I know what it’s like to lose a parent, the anger that comes with that. JT lost them both. And Mar was…” Ryan paused, fighting back the tears that welled up in his eyes at the very mention of her, the same way they always had even when she was alive. “Mar was his whole world. You know that.” 

Hayes came up behind Ryan, wrapped his arms around him, and rested his chin atop his shoulder. “I fuckin’ miss her, man.” 

Ryan nodded, lifting a hand to quickly wipe some lingering tears before moving back to the stove and adding the penne to the alfredo sauce he’d whipped up. “Me too. We’ve had to say goodbye to too many people, haven’t we?” 

“You can fuckin’ say that again.” Hayes reached into the wine fridge, removed a bottle of prosecco, and grabbed a towel so he could loosen the cork. Ryan started to protest, insisting that he would do it instead, but Hayes waved him off. “Rook, I got it. It’s fine.”              

“I just…” Ryan began, but noticing the determined look in Hayes’s eyes, he stopped. “OK.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his husband around alcohol; Hayes had only relapsed twice in twenty years, both following the death of good friends, and he’d never even so much as looked at another pill or line of coke. It was that Ryan would do anything he could to make things as painless as possible for this man. 

Hayes brought the bottle out to the formal dining room, where Mike Nowicki, the family advisor they’d hired for JT, was sitting at the table taking a phone call. He poured a glass for both Mike and Ryan, before setting it down and having a seat, checking his phone to see if JT had responded yet. 

He had, about 10 minutes before. 

J: Heading home now. 

Ryan brought the plates out and set them down on the table, Mike nodding in appreciation as he finished up his call and hung up. “Thanks. It looks delicious. So, JT is coming, or…” 

No sooner than Mike had asked, they heard the front door open, and right after, JT rounded the corner into the dining room, dropping his backpack onto the floor and heading toward the table. “Hey. Sorry I’m late. I had, um, a thing that I…needed…” 

Hayes approached him slowly and examined the kid’s eyes, which were bloodshot. “A thing?” 

JT stepped closer to him. “You heard me.” 

“Sit down. It’s time for dinner,” Hayes ordered, shaking his head, turning back toward the table, and having a seat next to Ryan, who nodded at JT when he looked over at him. 

“So, JT. I wanted to go over what I believe our best plan is with Penn State. I’m assuming you’re still interested in attending?” Mike asked, taking a bite of garlic bread and talking between chews. 

“I am. I mean, like, if it’s still, like…a thing.” 

“Jesus, JT,” Hayes bitched, dropping his fork. “How fuckin’ high are you right now?” 

“Chill. I smoked a little after 8u practice with Tyson, OK?” 

“No, JT. It’s not OK. Did you leave another mess in the storage closet, too?” 

“Baby, calm down,” Ryan said gently, reaching over and placing a hand on Hayes’s thigh, noticing his husband becoming increasingly flustered. 

Cool as a cucumber, JT shook his head slowly, then said with a smirk, “Nah. Swallowed his load this time. All good.” 

“Should I come back at another time, or…” Mike began uncomfortably. 

“No, it’s fine,” Ryan interrupted, turning toward Amara’s son. “Jacob. Come on. This is serious.” 

“Fine,” he sighed, picking up his fork and pushing some noodles around on his plate with it. “Yes, I am still interested in attending Penn State. But I don’t have the grades. Because I’m a dumbass. Remember?” 

“Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. There’s not much we can do about that. You didn’t make your core course GPA. And unfortunately, the teacher isn’t willing to budge. So, here’s what I’m proposing. You enter into the hockey program as an academic redshirt…”

“A what?” JT asked immediately. 

“Essentially, you will still be eligible to receive your full ride. Food, room and board, tuition…all paid for.”

“What’s the catch?” Hayes asked.

“The catch,” Mike said slowly, “ is that you will still be able to practice with the team, but you won’t be allowed to compete or travel with them.” 

JT scoffed. “Then what’s the actual point?” 

“The point is that you get to practice while still getting an education, and you get to do it for free. There’s no added pressure of games or travel, so you’ll be able to work on getting your grades back up, learning the ropes so you can pass all your courses.” 

“Alright, so let’s say I pass my courses. When can I play?” 

“If you pass all of your semester hours, then you will be eligible to practice again in the next term. You won’t, however, be able to officially play until the following year.” 

“Oh, that’s bullshit!” JT yelled, pushing his chair back from the table and standing up. “One fucking class I couldn’t pass. Seriously? Bullshit!” 

He turned to walk away, but Hayes was having none of it. “Sit down!” he yelled, watching as JT squeezed his fists together tightly and his right eye began to twitch, a sign that he was about to lose it. “You’re out of options here, kid.” 

“JT,” Ryan said calmly. “Please sit, OK? Let’s go over the details with Mike so you at least have a shot.” 

“It’s bull, Ry…”

“JT.” Ryan’s tone had become sterner. “Sit down and let’s hear the plan.” 

“Fine,” he growled through clenched teeth, plopping back down in his chair. “What’s the plan, Mike?” 

“Well, first, you’re gonna need to get a tutor for English. Your first semester, you’ll need to take two English classes: rhetoric and composition, and introduction to American literature. And there’s no option to fail. You have to pass. Ryan, Hayes, this isn’t covered by the scholarship, so you’ll need to seek one out on your own. I can point you to some connections I have.”

“We can do that,” Hayes said, looking at JT, who stared down at his plate. Money wasn’t ever going to be an issue for the kid. Between Ryan and Hayes being well off from their careers and the business, and the money that’d been left to him following his parents’ death, he was pretty much set, so long as he didn’t do anything stupid. 

“Second,” Mike continued, “you’re gonna have to pass a piss test, kid. How much weed do you smoke?” 

“Like, I don’t know…maybe, like…” he stumbled over his words. 

“JT is high as a fuckin’ kite 24/7,” Hayes cut in. 

“Yeah? And I’ve never once brought it into your home, ever. Have I?” 

“No, you haven’t. Brought it into my fuckin’ arena though, haven’t you?” Hayes reminded him. “Regardless, you’re still high all the goddamn time.” 

“Bro, weed’s been legal in most places for as long as I’ve been alive.” 

“Not in the eyes of the NCAA. Still a class 1, kid. Although…do you have a med card?” JT shook his head. “Go get one immediately. They’ll honor it when you test positive for THC. Just so you know, you still can’t smoke it on campus, even with the med card, so you’ll need to stop. Is there anything else I should know about that might prevent you from passing?” 

JT shook his head, glancing over at Hayes and raising an eyebrow. “Nah. I don’t mess with drugs. Shit’s whack.” 

The table went silent for a few minutes before JT spoke. “This is it? Seriously? This is my only option?” 

Mike nodded slowly. “Unfortunately, it is. There’s…no one is scouting you right now, JT. You’re a bit of a liability. Which brings me to my last point. You’ve gotta keep your image clean, and you’ve gotta stay out of trouble. No fights, no drama, no arrests, and no scandals. Keep your head down, do your work, attend your practices and home games, and before you know it, this year will be over and you’ll be able to compete starting next year.” 

“Yay,” JT deadpanned.

✽✽✽

After having agreed to call Penn State University the next day to set up JT’s admission for mid-August, which was three months away, Mike left. Hayes and JT cleaned up in the kitchen while Ryan went to shower. 

Able to sense his disappointment, Hayes attempted to talk to JT. “Look, I know it kinda sucks, but this really is the best option, kid.” He placed a hand on JT’s shoulder as he loaded the dishwasher, which caused him to flinch and pull away. “Shit. Sorry.” Hayes quickly removed his hand, remembering that that’d been JT and Amara’s “thing” whenever he’d lose his temper. “You know I didn’t mean…I’m sorry, JT,” Hayes repeated when he heard him sniffing and saw him wipe his eyes. 

“No, it’s…not that. It’s…it’s…” JT tried to keep it together, as the last person he wanted to fall apart in front of was Tyler Hayes. 

But it was no use. 

His sobs overtook him like a racehorse tearing down the final stretch and he sank to the floor, knees bent, arms folded over them, head resting against them. 

Hayes immediately took a seat on the floor next to him, placing a hand on his back and gently rubbing it while he listened to the boy cry, his own tears not far behind. 

JT was a pain in the ass, but he was his pain in the ass, and there was nothing in the world he wouldn’t do for him. “You can talk to me, OK? I’m not…your father, and I’d never try to be. Ever. But I…JT, I love you. We have our shit, but you know that, right? That I love you and I’m here for you?” 

JT nodded, not lifting his head. The two sat there for what seemed like forever, when Ryan wandered into the kitchen wearing just a pair of basketball shorts. “Where is every…” he began, but stopped when he noticed the two on the floor. He mouthed to Hayes, “He OK?” 

Hayes nodded, taking a moment to appreciate his husband’s gorgeous body. At 45 years old, the man was still shredded and was aging like the very finest of wines. 

Ryan had a seat on the floor on the opposite side of JT. The kid lifted his head for a moment before letting it fall onto Ryan’s shoulder. “It’s gonna be OK, JT. I promise you.” 

He’d stopped crying, and the three hugged briefly before pulling away from each other. “You know, I bet she wouldn’t even be proud of me,” he finally said. “She would think I’m a fuck up.” 

“Hey! Don’t talk like that,” Hayes told him sternly. “Your mom? All she ever wanted was you. You were her world. And there is nothing you could do, absolutely nothing, that would’ve made her think that you’re a fuck up. Would she have been disappointed in some of your choices? Yeah. But she was never disappointed in you, and she never would’ve been.” 

“JT, your mom was,” Ryan stopped, took a deep breath, then continued, “one of a kind. She had this ability to see people at their absolute worst and take it as a personal challenge to love them even harder. The things she put up with from me, from Hayes, when we were younger? Anyone else would’ve run screaming. Not your mom. She stuck it out. If you were one of her people, you had her unconditional love and support, whether you wanted it or not. And you? You weren’t just one of her people, JT. You were her person. So, don’t think like that, OK? Don’t do that to yourself.” 

“I don’t know how to stop missing her,” he said softly, almost inaudibly, showing a completely different, vulnerable side of himself to his caregivers, which almost never happened unless he was hammered. “And my dad, too. I just…it’s been eight years for him, five years for her now. When does the pain go away? When does it stop…hurting so bad?” 

Hayes looked at Ryan, letting him take the lead on this one. “Never. JT, it never stops hurting. But, as more time goes by, it hurts less. The pain never really goes away. It just…changes.” 

JT wiped his eyes and stood up, Hayes and Ryan following. “So, I mean…I just kinda wanted to say, like, I’m sorry. You know?” He raked his fingers through his reddish-brown, messy hair. “I’m a dick sometimes, and you guys don’t deserve that. I’m…angry. A lot. And I’m working on it with my therapist. I don’t wanna be this, like, monster anymore.” 

“You’re not a monster, JT,” Ryan assured him. “You’ve been through way more than anyone your age ever should. And you’re doing the best you can.” 

He nodded. “Thanks. I’m nervous about going to Penn State. I can’t…I’m stupid. I’m not gonna be able to make it.” 

“So, you’re not book smart, man. So fuckin’ what?” Hayes shrugged. “Look at me. I don’t know shit. And I run a business now. Pretty damn well, I might add. And this one,” he said, pointing at Ryan. “Dumber than a bucket of shrimp. Hot as fuck, but not much goin’ on upstairs.” 

“OK, that’s…seriously?” Ryan asked, smirking. Both of them looked at JT, who was almost doubled over with laughter, so they kept going.  

“You gonna stand there and act like you’re not a complete himbo?” 

“It’s true. I’m not a smart man,” Ryan said, as he approached Hayes and wrapped his arms around him. “But I know what love is.” 

“OK, Forrest,” Hayes joked, hugging him back, taking an extra moment to slide his fingers down the front of his body before pulling away. “But seriously, JT. That’s why we’re gonna get you a tutor. You’re gonna buckle down, pass your classes, keep your shit together, and before you know it, it’ll be next year and you’ll be able to play. Everything’s gonna work out, kid. I promise. Alright?”

JT nodded, wanting nothing more than to believe it was true. 

This was a fresh start for him, and there was something that should’ve been exciting about that. 

New school.

New state.

New people.

He just had to be very careful not to get too close to any of them, since everyone he loved tended to end up either hurt or dead. 

“Everything’s gonna work out, kid. I promise.” 

He would finish out his community service this summer at Ryler Arena, continue his on and off-ice training, and perhaps most importantly, make sure he built up his new walls high enough so no one would be able to breach them. 

What’s the Worst That Could Happen? (4)

August

“Come on, come on!” 

Audrey Winston pushed the engine start button on her Mitsubishi Mirage hatchback repeatedly, to no avail. There was a slight click, like it was considering maybe starting, which was followed by what she could only assume was a double barrel middle finger in her direction, as it ultimately refused to do so. 

“Listen, you temperamental bitch. I just need you to make it back to the apartment. Please? Seriously, what did I ever do to you?” 

The 33-year-old assistant professor slumped her head onto the steering wheel, panicking that the car trouble was going to cause her to miss her 2:00 p.m. “Studies in Literature” online lecture. And seeing as it was the first class of the new fall semester, that wouldn’t go over well with the Pennsylvania Highlands Community College brass. 

This, however, seemed to be par for the course for Audrey, considering that just a mere five months prior, she’d had everything she’d ever wanted: a hot, professional hockey player boyfriend, a gorgeous, 2,000-square-foot, luxury apartment in one of the most up-and-coming areas of Allentown, and the ability to work full-time chasing her dreams of becoming an author since money wasn’t really an issue.  

One NHL call up, two weeks, and a group of mean girl WAGs later? 

She found herself paying $1000 a month for a 500-square-foot studio apartment in State College, PA, driving the world’s worst car, and barely scraping by as an entry-level assistant professor at a local community college. 

She brushed her long, dark hair out of her face, lifted her head, and tried the start button one more time. “Please?” she whispered, and to her shock, the engine actually turned over. “Thank God!” she yelled, putting it into drive, and leaving the grocery store parking lot toward home so she could get online for her class. “Hey Siri: add a reminder to call the mechanic when I get paid next week.” 

“OK. I’ve added ‘call the mechanic” for Sunday,” the Australian male AI voice responded. 

“Thanks so much, stud,” she responded ridiculously, picturing the voice belonging to Liam Hemsworth. And considering she hadn’t even touched a man since her disastrous breakup five months ago, it was a welcome fantasy. 

She pulled into the numbered spot of her complex, grabbed her reusable grocery bag full of the “safe foods” she’d just purchased, scanned her key card, and headed into the building toward the elevator. 

As she stood waiting for the doors to open, she took a moment to check herself out in the mirrors, pulling on the waistband of her denim shorts and becoming briefly pleased at how loose they were compared to last week. The feeling immediately passed, as she knew they weren’t anywhere near loose enough yet to celebrate. 

“You’ve got a long way to go, girlfriend,” she said aloud to herself, as the doors closed and she rode the elevator to the fourth floor. She looked up at the ceiling, studying her reflection as she turned back and forth to see if maybe there was an angle that didn’t make her completely hate herself. 

No luck.

That’s what you get for thinking you’d ever be…

“Aud!” a voice shrieked, as the doors opened and she came face to face with Jess, her neighbor three doors down. “I was just thinking about you. I haven’t seen you in a few days. You good?” 

Audrey exited the elevator, holding the door open for Jess, who had a laundry bag in one hand and a bottle of detergent in the other. “Yeah, I’m…fine. You heading down?” 

“Nah, fuck it,” she said, turning away and letting the door close as she followed Audrey down the hall. “I can do this later. What are you up to? Let’s catch up for a bit.” 

“I really…” Audrey checked the time on her phone. 

1:18 p.m.

“I have to teach online at 2.” 

“Come on, just a few minutes. I have to tell you about this guy I was with last night. Holy shit, Aud.” 

Audrey laughed, nodding toward her door. “Fine.” 

They entered the small apartment, where Audrey headed to the tiny kitchen to unpack her groceries, and Jess had a seat at one of the two stools at the countertop that doubled as the kitchen table. “Did you eat yet?” Jess asked, and Audrey shook her head. 

“I’m going to now,” she told her slightly younger friend, as she grabbed a small plate and started putting together her lunch. Jess nodded, getting up from the stool and heading over to Audrey’s bed so she could eat privately. Audrey poured some iced black coffee, then plated five grapes, three pieces of broccoli, two baby carrots, and a small slice of cheddar, which she ate while facing the sink with her back to her friend. “So, spill it,” she called to Jess; the apartment was small enough that they didn’t need to yell even though they weren’t right next to each other. “I haven’t been railed in months. Let me live vicariously through you.” 

“Omigod, Aud,” Jess moaned, lying back onto the bed and running her tattooed hands through her bleach blonde hair with blue highlights. A hairstylist with a flair for the eccentric, she was always sporting a new look. “I don’t even know how it happened, but I ended up at one of those frat parties. Well, I mean, I know how it happened. One of my clients invited me. I don’t think he thought my old ass would actually show up. But I did, and holy shit. Aud, you’ve got to get you one of these college boys. I could barely walk this morning.” 

“Jess, seriously? Aren’t you a little old to be messing with the college boys?” 

“Nope,” she replied quickly. “I’m only 31. I think he was…19. I think. I wasn’t really listening. Anyway, he just kept going. Like, he’d cum, and then three minutes later? Good to go again. I think we went through half a box of condoms. Not much in the way of foreplay, but it didn’t matter. His dick was a fuckin’ steel rod.” 

Audrey quickly finished eating and put her plate in the sink, then wandered out to her bed and sat down next to her friend. “Sounds amazing, even though you probably belong in prison.” 

“It’d have been worth it.” 

“You get his number at least?” 

Jess shook her head. “Nah. Plenty more where that came from,” she said with a wink.

“I, uh, I might have another one for you soon,” Audrey said, lying back on the bed, as the two rolled toward each other. 

“Oh?”

“So, I’m…I got hired to tutor a kid. He’s 20. His dad called me the other day and offered me a shit ton of money. Said he has to pass English or he won’t be able to play next year.” 

“Uh, play what, exactly?” Jess asked cautiously. 

Audrey winced. “Um...hockey.”

“No!” Snatching up a nearby pillow, Jess smashed her friend in the face with it. “Aud, no. A hockey player? You swore off all contact with them for good, remember?” 

“I know, I know. Trust me, if I never had to see another one as long as I lived, I’d be fine with it. But, Jess, the money? It’s like a thousand a week.” 

“A week?”

“A week. It’s…life changing. I won’t have to bust my ass to teach as many online courses, and I might actually be able to get some writing done. I’ve got him for the entire year at least, since he’s a redshirt.” 

“A what?”

“He didn’t make his grades, so he can’t play with the team other than practices. He needs to take at least three English courses between this semester and next, so it’s guaranteed money until at least May.” 

“You meet him yet?” 

Audrey shook her head. “And his dad warned me that he’s a bit of a…mess.” 

“Of course he is. He’s a hockey player. Comes with the territory.” 

“No, like. He’s been through some shit. I guess it’s his adopted dad because both of his parents died, and he’s got anger issues or…something. I don’t know,” Audrey sighed. “A lot was said. But, whatever. It’s money. Good money.” 

Jess shook her head. “Better be. Sounds like you’re gonna have your hands full. He at least hot?” 

“I told you I haven’t met him yet.” 

“And you’re gonna sit here and act like you didn’t stalk his socials?” 

Audrey smirked. “Tried. It’s private. There’s only one picture.” 

“Well?” Jess threw her hands up and motioned toward Audrey’s phone. 

Rolling her eyes, she tapped around, pulled up the page, and held the screen up to her friend’s face. “Here.” 

Jess gasped. “Um, Aud? When’s your first session? Because I’m coming. Holy shit. Look at those lips, babe.”

“OK,” Audrey said, snatching the phone back and sitting up. “You gotta get going. My class is starting soon.” 

“Fine,” she said, getting up and gathering her laundry bag and detergent. 

“I, um, meet him tonight, by the way. We’re gonna go over the syllabus for each of his classes and set up a schedule around his practices.” 

“I want details ASAP. You understand me?” 

“There are no details. He’s…literally just some kid I’m tutoring.” 

“Mmmhmm,” Jess said with a smirk. “Two words: Steel. Rod.” 

“You can leave now.” 

“Also,” Jess added, while opening the door and turning back toward Audrey. “Just because Ev was a total scumbag doesn’t mean this one will be. They’re…not all total scumbags. Just don’t be too hard on the kid, OK?” 

Audrey nodded. “I’ll text you later.” 

“You better.” She left the apartment, leaving Audrey to thank God again for the fact that she had made such a good friend. Jess was a bit of a nut, but she understood Audrey; having been in recovery from an eating disorder herself for a few years, she recognized the triggers and understood her need for privacy, only stepping in and speaking up if and when she felt Audrey was in immediate danger. 

She sighed, ignoring the hunger pangs as she sat up and wandered over to her desk to login for her class that began in 15 minutes. Seeing that no one was in the waiting room yet, she opened Insta on her phone and checked his page again. 

JT DiMara.

Alright, fine.

Maybe he was kinda hot. 

And maybe he did have amazing lips. 

He probably knew exactly how to use those lips, too…

She quickly closed the app as she felt herself start to get nervous about their meeting that night, then shook her head in disbelief for being so immature. 

He’s just some kid you’re tutoring, she told herself. What’s the worst that could happen? 

You’ll Just Know (5)

“So, can I, like, text you?” 

JT, sitting on the side of the bed, reached down to the floor for his pants and began pulling them on. The girl, who he’d just railed senseless, came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “Because,” she whispered into his ear, “that was seriously some of the best dick I’ve ever had.” 

JT smirked at the praise he’d received on more than one occasion, breaking away from her grip and standing up. “I don’t, um, necessarily think that’s a good idea. I mean, this was fun, but, like, I’ve got a lot going on…” 

“Ugh. Whatever,” she grumbled, rolling away from him and getting out of her bed to get dressed. “Should’ve known. Fucking hockey boys.” 

He had spotted the blonde staring at him outside of his dorm when he was on his way in from practice. After making some small talk and finding out she lived in the building as well, he decided it’d been far too long since he’d had an orgasm that wasn’t self-inflicted. He’d quickly showered, then headed to her room on the second floor. 

Now that he’d gotten what he’d come for, he pulled on his Penn State Ice Hockey t-shirt, which had number 27 and his last name on the front, and glanced over as she stood posing in just her bra and underwear. “You sure I can’t text you? I mean,” she crooned, dragging her fingertips slowly down the front of her body, “no bullshit. It’d just be for sex.” 

JT snickered, stuffing his feet into his Crocs and heading toward her door. “I know where to find you,” he said, opening it. 

“Wow. You run from everything this fast, DiMara?” 

He paused for a moment, contemplating saying something nasty, but remembered what his therapist said and decided against it. Instead, he just nodded a few times. “It was nice to meet you,” he said, leaving without so much as a slight glance backward. 

Walking down the hall toward the stairs, he raked his hands through his hair and exhaled, throwing his head back briefly. He’d been on campus for a grand total of three days and already hated every waking moment. 

His first practice with the team yesterday had been a disaster. Some of the guys, mostly the newbies, had been nice to him, but he’d already earned the nickname “Red” from many of the upperclassmen. And a few of them had decided that, since he wasn’t going to be playing games this year, he was pretty much useless. 

“They’ll come around,” one of the sophomore d-men, Colton Carter, told him as they’d stood waiting to take the next defensive drill. “They’re just…they take this shit super serious, since most of them are either trying to get signed or already have been.” 

“Yeah, I, uh, kinda noticed.” 

“How about you? You got any eyes on you?” 

JT had shaken his head, dragging the toe of his stick mindlessly across the ice in front of him. “Not many teams lining up for an academic redshirt with a reputation for being a royal pain in the ass. Hoping to clean up my image a bit this year, lay low, stay outta trouble. You know?” 

His teammate nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been contacted by a few teams, but the most serious interest has been from Winnipeg. Well, from their AHL affiliate, the Manitoba Moose.” He snickered. “The Moose. What a gay name for a team.” 

JT had felt an immediate flash of anger, his eye beginning to twitch. “Can you maybe, like, find a better adjective?” he’d asked through gritted teeth. 

Colton’s demeanor immediately shifted, as he fumbled over his words. “Yeah, I…sorry, man. Are you? Gay? I mean, shit. It’s no big deal…” 

“DiMara, Carter, you’re up!” Coach Emerick yelled from the bench. 

“I’m not…ugh, fuck!” JT had groaned, frustrated, as he raced after the puck behind the net and proceeded to completely screw up the drill, causing a few of the other guys to scream at him. 

D1 NCAA hockey?

Not off to a great start. 

As if that wasn’t bad enough, there was the matter of his roommate and fellow first-year teammate, Ryker McCreery. 

They’d spoken over text and social media before the semester started, and it had gone OK. But living in a 250-square-foot room with someone was a whole different ball game than shooting the shit via text and sending each other hockey memes. 

Ryker was everything JT wasn’t: smart, neat, level-headed, focused. The 18-year-old was attending Penn State on a full academic scholarship for astrophysics of all things and he had no ambition to play hockey professionally. He’d made the D1 team on a tryout because he played all throughout high school and “thought it might be fun to travel and stuff.” 

And, like everything else, he was really good at it. 

The two had gotten into it briefly the first day after JT had left a mess in the bathroom. Ryker had calmly asked him to pick his things up off the floor so he could shower, a reasonable request that had effectively set JT off. 

“Oh, so this is how it’s gonna be? You’re gonna police everything I do? What are you, my fucking dad?” 

“I…JT, I just asked if you could pick your shit up so I could…” 

JT had stormed into the bathroom, shoved Ryker out of the way, and snatched up his belongings, shaking them in his face on the way out. “There. Better?” He’d tossed them onto his own bed, then continued, “Is that OK? Can I leave my shit on my own bed, or is that gonna piss you off, too?” 

Ryker shook his head, then said calmly, “Listen here, Bruce Banner. You need to chill the fuck out, for real. If we’re gonna live together and play together, you’re gonna need to take some deep breaths or something.” 

“Yeah? And you’re gonna need to suck this dick,” he’d said, grabbing his crotch, then shrugging. “Fuckin’ nerd.” 

“Would it get you to calm down? If so, I’ll seriously consider it,” Ryker had said with a wink before turning back toward the bathroom and closing the door behind him. 

This had left JT frozen, because not only was Ryker annoying, but he was also a goddamn smokeshow. Dark, messy hair, dark eyes, black glasses, and a chiseled jawline with a body to match. Not even 24 hours and JT was already jerking off to thoughts of shoving his cock into his new roommate’s ass. 

He opened the door to his dorm room, hoping it’d be empty so he could grab a short nap before heading off to meet his new tutor in a few hours, and was greeted by the welcome sight of a freshly showered Ryker, wearing only a pair of boxers and drying his hair with a towel. JT rolled his eyes, but not before scanning every inch of his roommate's killer body.  

“Banner,” Ryker greeted him. 

“Nerd,” JT shot back, flinging himself onto his bed and resting his forearm across his eyes. 

“You seemed like you were having a better day today out there than yesterday. You looked great on the PK,” his roommate told him, hanging up his towel on the doorknob. 

“What exactly about my body language suggests that I’m in the mood to talk to you right now?” 

“Fine,” Ryker replied, followed by a few moments of silence before he started up again. “Are you going to the party tonight?” 

JT exhaled, exasperated, and sat up on his bed. “Guess we’re doing this, huh? I don’t know. Carter told me about it, but like, I’m not sure if…” JT trailed off. 

“I think it’d, um, be good for you, bond with some of the guys off the ice, you know?” 

“Yeah, right,” JT scoffed. “They hate me, man. I’m just the pathetic redshirt. They all think I’m a fucking joke.” 

Ryker shook his head. “Nah. They’re just…I mean,” he hesitated. “Nevermind.” 

“No, what? They’re what?” 

“Well, they feel like maybe you’re a little, I don’t know…standoffish.” 

JT feigned surprise, widening his eyes and pointing at his chest. “Standoffish? Moi?”

“Well, make an effort then,” Ryker told him, bending over and reaching into the bottom drawer of his dresser to get some sweatpants. JT gulped, admiring his ass. 

There was nothing about this kid that wasn’t absolute perfection. 

“It’s not…it’s not that easy, man,” JT replied as Ryker lay down on his own bed, still shirtless. “I don’t really do the whole bonding thing. Not my style.” 

“Then maybe you need to make it your style.”

“Yeah? And maybe you need to put on a shirt.” 

Ryker laughed. “Sorry. May want to avert your gaze. If you stare directly at them, it’s like looking at the sun,” he teased, running his hands along his abs. “So, you wanna head over together tonight? Grab something to eat first?” 

“You, like, don’t take a hint, do you?” 

“Listen, Banner. I’m gonna break you down, pull you outta this little protective cocoon thing you got going on, OK?” 

“Oh, you think so?” 

“I know so. You wanna have fun. I can tell. You put on this front like you’re some hard ass, but I see right through it. It’s gonna be a long year if you don’t open up.” 

“So, you’re an astrophysics nerd with a minor in psychology. Cool. Speaking of,” JT said, checking his phone calendar and making sure he’d set an alarm for his first session with his new therapist on Friday. If it weren’t for his therapist recommending he set phone reminders that beeped and buzzed a zillion different ways, JT would have never made it anywhere, ever. 

“So, tell me something about you, JT DiMara,” Ryker said, rolling onto his back and bringing a knee into his chest for a hamstring stretch. “I’m curious to know what makes you tick.” 

JT wanted to tell him to fuck off, to mind his own business. 

Instead, he blurted out, “Both my parents are dead.” 

“I’m sorry,” Ryker said softly, switching legs. “My mom died when I was 15. I get it.” 

“I was 15, too, when I lost my mom,” JT instantly replied, even though everything in his brain was telling him to shut up. “And 12 when my dad died. And I’m fucking angry about it. I go to therapy, but I…I deal with a lot of anger. It’s kinda why I don’t bond with people easily. I don’t like hurting people, and somehow, that’s always what ends up happening. It’s better if I just…keep to myself.” He looked curiously at Ryker. “Do you? Have anger about your mom?” 

“Nope,” he replied calmly. “I mean, I did for a bit. But there are things in life you can control and things you can’t. That was something I couldn’t control. I choose to focus on the things I can.” 

“Alright, where can I get some of whatever shit you’re smoking?”

“Not smoking anything. It’s just a mindset I’ve adopted. She wouldn’t have wanted me to waste my life being angry. So, I don’t.” 

Those words caused JT’s breath to hitch, as he recalled one of the final conversations he’d had with Amara before she died. 

“Promise me something, baby.” 

“What’s that, Mom?” he’d said, taking her hand and kissing it. 

“Promise me you won’t waste your life being angry. You’ve got so much to offer this world. I know none of this is fair, but you owe it to yourself to be happy. And you can’t be happy and angry at the same time. You have to let it go, OK?” 

“I don’t know how, Mom.” 

“You’ll figure it out. It’s a mindset. And do me a favor? When you meet the right people, the ones who wanna help you, don’t push them away. Things might look…a little different with them, and some people might judge, but fuck ‘em. 

“There are some really crappy people in this world, JT. Some of them are just awful. But there are some really amazing ones, too. So, when you find them, let them help you. And help them, too.” 

“How do you, like, know you’ve met one of the amazing ones, that it’s not just bullshit?” 

“You’ll know, baby. You’ll just know.” 

When JT snapped back to it, he realized he had tears streaming down his face. He swiped at them bitterly, and the next thing he knew, Ryker was sitting right next to him on his bed, an arm wrapped around his lower back. “You good, Banner?” 

JT nodded. “Yeah, I’m…fine. Hey, I’m gonna get in a quick nap before I head out to meet up with my tutor. But, um…” He hesitated, then finally said, “What time did you, uh, wanna grab dinner before the party?” 

Ryker smirked. “Told you I’d break you down.” 

“Ugh, whatever,” JT huffed, rolling away from him and smiling. “Put a fuckin’ shirt on, Nerd.” 

✽✽✽

JT made his way into the Pattee and Paterno Library, which was about a 10-minute walk from Bigler Hall, and stopped at the welcome desk to get directions to the Central Atrium, where he’d agreed to meet his tutor.

He looked around nervously when he spotted a dark-haired woman sitting by herself at one of the study tables sipping a coffee and scrolling through her phone. He quickly pulled up the picture of her on his phone that he’d snagged off her Insta and decided that it was her. When he was about 10 feet from her, she turned in his direction and their eyes met. 

Yeah, this isn’t gonna work, he thought to himself as he stared at one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen. She had soft facial features, curves for days, and dark eyes that seemed to pierce right through his own, making him instantly question everything about this very moment as she stood up and made her way toward him. “JT?” she asked, extending her hand. 

He nodded, reaching out to shake her hand and trying to play it cool. “Hey.” 

You need to focus right now. Focus on the conversation in front of you, please. 

“Hey. I’m Audrey Winston. It’s really nice to meet you. Here,” she said, motioning toward the table and pulling out one of the chairs for him. “Why don’t you, uh, have a seat?” He did, and she tripped as she made her way back to her own chair before toppling onto it and laughing. “That’s…lovely. Don’t worry, I tutor much better than I walk, apparently.”

They spent some time comparing their schedules, which, between her online classes, his classes, hockey practices, and both of their therapy sessions, required more strategy than a game of Risk. They finally decided to meet for an hour each on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, at least for the next two weeks and reevaluate his needs after that. 

“So,” she said, waking up her laptop and watching JT fidget and continuously scan his surroundings. “I have the syllabus pulled up for each of your classes. It looks like rhetoric and composition and introduction to American literature, is that right?” 

Her voice caused him to focus his attention back on her as she brushed a piece of hair away from her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. “Um, yeah.”

“Looks like they’ve got you reading Gatsby in a few weeks. You’re in luck. That’s one of my favorite books. Know it like the back of my hand. Do you have a favorite book?” 

JT scoffed, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t think I’ve ever read a book in my life. I’m not…like, you don’t understand how much work this is going to be for you. I am really stupid.” 

“Don’t talk like that,” she scolded him immediately. 

“Well, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“OK. I give it a few weeks before you give up on me.” 

“I don’t give up on people, JT. Especially those I’m entrusted to help.” 

“Well, you probably should. Everyone else does.” 

Audrey shrugged. “Well, I’m not everyone. And you’re not stupid.” 

“How can you say that? You don’t even fucking know me,” he shot back, beginning to get irritated. “Seriously. You, like, don’t know a damn thing about me.” 

Who the hell did this fine ass woman think she was, anyway? 

“Alright, so this is how it’s gonna be?” she asked, annoyed with him. “JT, I’m…here to help you, OK?” 

“Nah. You’re here because Ty’s paying you a shit ton of money to be here.” 

“You’re right,” she agreed, taking a sip of her coffee before crossing her arms and staring at him. “And I need the money, just like you need to pass your English classes. And if you keep it up with this attitude, it’s only gonna make it unbearable for both of us. So,” she said, leaning in toward him and lowering her voice, “why don’t you drop this little hard ass, tough guy act and actually let me help you?” 

He leaned in, putting them within inches of each other’s faces. “One, it’s not an act. And two, you’re, like, really pretty. Do you know that?” 

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “So typical.” 

“I’m sorry?”

“Typical hockey boy, trying to flirt your way out of trouble.” 

“Well?” he asked, sitting up and crossing his arms. “Is it working?” 

“No. I’m immune to your kind.” 

“My kind? Uh oh. Someone got her heart broken by a hockey boy. Or, nah, lemme guess: reformed puck bunny?” 

Her face reddening, she immediately grabbed and closed her laptop, stood up, and stuffed it into her bag. “We’ll meet Sunday to begin work on your position paper and go over the analysis of “The Tell-Tale Heart.” I suggest you read it,” she told him coldly.

“Hey, um,” he said, standing up as well. “I’m…sorry. I was just messing with you. I didn’t mean…” 

“Oh, and we’re not meeting here again. I’ve watched you this entire time and you have the attention span of a gnat. I’ll come to your dorm so your distractions are limited. Text me your dorm name and room number.” She began to walk away from him, but he called her name, causing her to turn around. “What?” 

“I’m a dick, OK? But, like, seriously. Thank you, you know? For agreeing to help me. I…kinda need it.”

She pursed her lips and shrugged. “Like you said, kid. It’s good money. Anyway, see you Sunday.” 

And with that, the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen was gone. 

“You’ll know, baby. You’ll just know.” 

You Might Not See It, but I Do (6) 

September

JT knocked on the door, unlocked his phone screen, and held it up. Within a few seconds, it opened, and Audrey stood there, towel wrapped around her wet hair, staring at his screen. “Peep this shit!” he yelled, as she took a moment to view the 81 percent grade he’d received on his latest paper, then squealed and threw her arms around him. 

“I told you it was an awesome essay! I mean, it took forever and I helped you a lot, but still. I’m so proud of you.” He hugged her back as she pulled him inside and closed the door behind them. “So, what are your class averages so far?” she called, as she headed to her bathroom to remove the towel and brush her hair. 

“Um, I think rhet and comp is a 72, and American lit is a 73,” he called back, as he went into the kitchen, opened his backpack, and laid some snacks out on the counter for her. “Hey, did you know,” he began, as she entered the kitchen, “that in ancient Greece, students had to take classes to learn how to be pervasive in their arguments? Wait, nope…wrong word. Persuasive.” 

He shook his head, then continued. “Anyway, that’s where rhetoric began. I mean, like, now it refers to all forms of effective communication, but it started as the art of persuasion. Manipulation, to a certain extent. Crazy when you think about it. Like, all communication is essentially trying to persuade someone to do, feel, or think something, right?” 

She glanced at the counter, smiling at the assortment of snacks he’d brought for her. “How high are you right now, exactly?” 

“I may have hit the pen a few times on the walk over here.” 

“Well, your infinite knowledge about the most random of topics is charming, DiMara.” 

It was Saturday afternoon, not one of their normal tutoring days, but it couldn’t have mattered less. The two, over the course of the past three weeks, had become nearly inseparable, almost to the point where Audrey felt guilty taking money for tutoring him anymore. 

Though it took a minute, Audrey and JT found themselves drawn to each other in a way that neither of them could completely understand. Despite their 13-year age difference, they found it easy, way easier than it should have been, to open up to each other. 

The things they spent so much time and effort trying to tuck away from the rest of the world were the things they didn’t feel the need to hide from each other. 

Even so, JT was very careful not to share too much. 

Besides Ryker, with whom he had also begun to grow pretty close, Audrey was the only person who could calm JT’s temper. About a week ago, after the combination of a couple bad grades and a fight with one of his teammates at practice had sent JT into a tailspin, Audrey was right there to ground him. 

When he’d started to lose it, having thrown a bunch of things off his desk, then nearly putting his fist through his closet door, she’d placed one hand on his shoulder, and wrapped the other around the front of his chest. 

He’d frozen.

“JT, I need you to breathe with me. In for four…hold for seven…out for eight.” 

They repeated the exercise several times. 

And it’d worked.

He immediately broke down in her arms, apologizing. “Please don’t be scared of me.” 

“I’m not scared of you, JT.” 

“You know I wouldn’t hurt you, right?” 

“I know that.”

And it hadn’t taken long for JT to figure out that Audrey had an eating disorder. In the short time he’d known her, she’d lost a good bit of weight and they’d never eaten a meal together. Having had a good friend in high school who struggled, he knew the signs and did his best to make sure he was being supportive without being overbearing. 

On about their fifth tutoring session, having taken notice of her stomach constantly growling and the fact that she only drank black coffee, he loaded up a bunch of healthy snacks and casually arranged them on the desk when she’d gotten up to use the bathroom. When she came back, her eyes filled with tears. 

“I, um, I’m kinda hungry,” he told her, “and I just thought maybe…you might be, too. You know, if you want.” 

“Thank you,” she’d mouthed, reaching for a 100-calorie bag of popcorn, opening it, and turning her back to him while she ate it. 

“Also, I’m not, like, prying. But I wanna make sure you…have you talked to someone? About it?” 

She’d nodded. “I go to therapy for it, JT.” 

“Good.”  

Finishing the popcorn, she’d thrown the bag into his trash can and had a seat on his bed while he worked on research for his most recent essay. “You’re too damn sweet to be a hockey boy, you know that? Every fiber of my being is telling me I’m supposed to despise you, but you’re…making it really hard. Why are you so good to me, anyway?” 

He’d turned away from his computer and toward her, staring into her eyes for a few seconds. “Because Aud, I see you as someone who’s worth putting up a fight for. You might not see it, but I do.” 

Their eyes had remained locked in gaze before she’d finally said, “Funny. That’s exactly how I see you, too.” 

And that small interaction had officially kicked off their unlikely friendship. 

Now, she reached for a granola bar and JT headed over to her bed while she ate. “So, what’s on your agenda for tonight anyway, stud? Don't you have a party to go to or something? I’m sure there’s some sorority girl just foaming at the mouth to get her hands on JT DiMara. One named Brinley? Mckenzie? Kennedy?”

“You’re funny,” he called to her, kicking off his Crocs, lying back onto her bed, and putting his arms above his head. Her pillows and sheets smelled like her, and he inhaled deeply, closing his eyes. “Actually, I was thinking…” He paused. 

“Uh oh. You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?” 

“Well, aren’t you just a fucking riot today?” 

“Actually, yeah. I happen to find myself hilarious.” 

“Well, that makes one of us. Anyway, I was thinking you could…come to my game with me tonight. We’re playing Michigan State, and one of my boys from the Storm plays for them. I was hoping you would, you know, accompany me.” 

Audrey stopped chewing, wrapped up the remaining half of the granola bar, and set it down before making her way over to her bed. “Did you say the Storm? As in, the Tri-City Storm? From Kearney, Nebraska?” 

“Yeah. I played juniors with them for four years.” 

“You do know I’m from Kearney, right?” 

“Why would I know that?”

She lifted her right foot onto the bed next to him, and pulled up the bottom of her jeans to reveal her ankle. On it was a tattoo of a sandhill crane that went about halfway up her calf. 

“Oh, the damn cranes!” he laughed, sitting up to get a better view of it. “I mean, the migration was cool, but it always brought in so many out-of-towners. It was insane. Did you know they mate for life? I mean, like, if one dies, they’ll find another one. But if not, they stick it out, for better or worse, ‘til death do them part.” 

“Of course you would know that.” 

He shrugged. “It’s all stuff I hear that sticks, you know? I don’t really retain a whole lot of what I read, but like, I hear something once, and boom!” He pointed to his head. “It’s stuck in there for life. Might wanna watch what you say around me, you know? Problem is, people always look at me and think, like, I’m not paying attention, when really, I’m paying attention to everything, taking it all in. It can be a little overwhelming sometimes.” He shrugged. “Also, sick ink, by the way. It’s beautiful.” 

“Thank you. You have any?” 

“Yeah. Here,” he said, sitting up and tearing his shirt off over his head, revealing his muscular chest and back. His midsection was flat, but not shredded. He noticed her staring. “Don’t be too disappointed. I don’t have hockey abs. I get way too high and hungry for that shit.”

“I…it’s…I mean, they look…fine to me,” she stammered, as he turned his back to her and revealed two cardinals facing each other, one male and one female, on either shoulder. Under each one was a ribbon with birth and death dates and the words “Mom” and “Dad.” 

“I wanna get more at some point, but these were really important to me, obviously. I don’t ever wanna be that guy with, like, barbed wire and a random skull, you know? I want all my ink to mean something, hold a part of me.” 

She reached out and ran her fingers lightly over one of the birds, causing him to shiver. “Sorry. JT, they’re,” she said, sliding her fingers to the other bird, “just gorgeous. What a beautiful tribute.” 

“I see them sometimes. I mean,” JT began, pulling his shirt back on, “I know how crazy that sounds. But when my dad died, my mom would always cry every time we’d see one, convinced it was him. And like, after she died, whenever I see a male, there’s always a female right near. It’s…what?” He stopped, noticing her smiling at him. “You think I’m bullshitting?” 

Audrey shook her head. “Not at all. I think,” she began, sitting down on the bed next to him, “that you’re a lot more in tune with the world than you realize. And that’s really special. You’re…” She paused, looking down at her lap, “Really special, JT.” 

“You know, a lot of people tell me I’m special. Though, I’m pretty sure, like, they mean it in a different content. I mean, context.” He grabbed a nearby throw pillow and smacked her lightly with it. “So, anyway, get outta those sweats and get dressed. Game’s in two hours.” 

“JT, I…I’m not going to a hockey game with you.” 

“Aww, come on. I have to sit in the press box, but you can sit in there with me. I’ll just let them know you’re my tutor and we have to ‘study’ between periods.” 

“I told you, I can’t stand hockey. Or hockey players. You’re literally the only exception.” She paused. “And Ryker’s not bad, either. But…no.” 

“OK, first off, Ryker doesn’t even really count as a hockey player. He’s just a nerd playing pretend. And second, what’s your deal with hockey players anyway?” he asked, tossing one of her throw pillows up in the air and catching it repeatedly as he prodded her. This was the conversation he’d been wanting to have, but the opportunity had never presented itself. 

Audrey stood up from the bed and began pacing in front of it, running her hands through her hair and clasping them behind her head. 

It’s none of his fucking business, she thought, then fought to ignore the fact that she wanted it to be his business. 

She wanted to tell him everything, every single, screwed up part of herself, because although everything inside of her was screaming not to, she trusted him. 

Fuck it.

“You ever heard the name Evan Verdano?” 

“Sounds slightly familiar.”

“Yeah, well. He actually played for the Storm many years ago. We met when I was in college. The team came into the restaurant where I was waiting tables and…well, whatever. We hit it off. We dated for a bit, off and on, nothing too serious. He didn’t wanna commit to anything and neither did I, especially knowing he was going to college and would probably get drafted and end up wherever. Anyway, he…” 

Did you actually think you could do this? she thought bitterly, knowing she was fighting a losing battle. 

JT stood up and wrapped his arms around her when he noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks. “Hey,” he said softly, running his hands up and down her back. “Am I gonna have to kill someone? Like, I’ve never committed murder, but I’m open to it.” 

She laughed, pulling back from him and wiping her eyes. “No. I mean, if I knew you wouldn’t get in trouble, I wouldn’t stop you. Trust me.” She sat on the edge of the bed, tears forming in her eyes again as he sat next to her and took her hand in his. 

“He was drafted his second year of college and mostly ended up playing in the AHL. Last year, he was traded to Philly and he went to Lehigh Valley to play for their AHL team. We’d just reconnected after a long time and started talking again, and out of the blue he asked me to make the move with him. I had nothing tying me to Kearney, and with my degree I could easily get a job teaching at a college or do freelance writing or editing, so…I went. And it was literally the worst decision I ever made.” 

He could feel himself getting agitated the more upset she got, so he took a few deep breaths and squeezed her hand back when he felt her squeeze his. 

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, trying to pull her hand away from his, but he held it there. 

“Don’t be. You can tell me…whatever. You know?” 

She nodded and continued. “Like, I know I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world…” 

Well, that’s bullshit, JT thought. Between her dark hair, mysterious eyes, thick hips and thighs, and take-no-prisoners attitude, she certainly had much more of JT’s attention than was probably appropriate considering their age difference and power dynamic. 

“...but I never thought of myself as the kind of ugly that gets you dumped, you know?” 

“What the fuck are you even talking about?” JT asked, annoyed, not at her but at where this was headed. “Aud, you’re not ugly. At all. In any sense of the word.” 

Shrugging, she continued. “Things were going well in Lehigh. I made friends with a lot of the other wives and girlfriends, went to his games, did all the things I was supposed to do. He wasn’t making ridiculous money, but between his salary and my freelance writing, we were able to live pretty comfortably. And I was…happy. I had a ton of time to myself to work on my writing, and things were good.” 

She stopped.

“But?” JT asked.

“In March, he got the call up to Philly, so he was away all the time. I mean, he’d pop home when he could, but he mostly stayed there. One night in April, I went to one of the games, and I sat with some of the other WAGs, the ones who didn’t have kids with them. JT, they were all so perfect, so beautiful. Like, painfully beautiful. Skinny, blonde, huge boobs that didn’t hang to the floor, flat bellies, makeup and hair done, just…perfect. There’s no other word for it.” 

“That sounds awful, honestly.”

She shot him a look. “Right. Anyway, I tried to make small talk with them, thought I was fitting in, you know? When I got up to use the bathroom, a few of them came in after me and started talking mad shit. I’m not sure if they knew I was in there, but it was rough. I wasn’t pretty, I had a fat ass, what the fuck was Verdano doing with someone like me, they had a friend they wanted to hook him up with, just…all sorts of next-level nastiness, the kind that I didn’t think actually happened in real life. 

“I waited in the stall in tears until they left the bathroom, and I left the game right after that. Texted him that I wasn’t feeling well and got an Uber back to Allentown. That night, he went out afterward with a bunch of the guys and their girls, and he met the friend they wanted to hook him up with. He broke it off with me two weeks later. Told me I could stay at the apartment until I found another place and that he’d throw me some money so I could get set up somewhere. ‘She and I make more sense together,’ is what he told me. I think he’s still dating her, actually.” 

She wasn’t sure at what point it’d happened, but her head was resting on JT’s shoulder and his arms were around her. She reached up to wipe her eyes, then lifted her head and stood up, wiggling out of his grasp. “I, um, stopped eating right after that. I never really had a problem with my body before all this. I’ve always had a gigantic ass and thighs, been pear-shaped, or whatever the fuck you wanna call it…” 

“Beautiful,” JT interrupted.

“What?”

“Beautiful. That’s what I wanna call it. Your body is beautiful, Audrey.” 

She grinned from ear to ear. “College Boy, you’re gonna be the death of me, you know that? Anyway, the…eating thing became a way for me to punish myself because I felt I wasn’t ‘good enough’ for him. That’s what my therapist says, anyway. And believe me, I’m working really hard to overcome it. I’ve really made a ton of progress. JT, I’m…so sorry. I shouldn’t have unloaded all my bullshit on you. This isn’t professional of me.” 

He shook his head, his eye beginning to twitch, having already repeatedly beaten Evan Verdano within an inch of his life in his mind. “I think we’re past that point, Aud.” 

She faked a smile. “And the worst part is, I really do enjoy watching hockey. So, maybe someday I’ll come to a game with you, OK? But not tonight. I can’t.” 

He shrugged. “Then we’ll do something else.” 

“JT, you have to attend your home games. You know that.” 

“So? I’ll skip it. Fuck it. What’re they gonna do, sit me out?” 

“I’m not letting you do that. Go to the game and I’ll see you tomorrow for our session. Did you read your assigned chapters of Gatsby?” 

“Um, yeah,” he lied. 

He damn sure wasn’t gonna tell her that he didn’t right now. 

It’s not that he didn’t try; he tried several times, but every time, he just couldn’t make sense of any of it. He’d get through a few paragraphs and realize he’d just been looking at words, most of which he didn’t recognize, and failing to make any meaning of them. For the first time in his life, he was being held accountable for his reading, and he never felt more like a complete failure. 

“Anyway, I’m gonna go. You sure you won’t come with me?” he asked, standing up and approaching her with outstretched arms, into which she immediately placed herself and rested her head against his chest. 

“I can’t,” she whispered, running her hands lightly across his lower back and feeling his heart rate increase until it matched her own. 

As she lifted her head to look at him, he was already looking back down at her. 

Neither of them sure exactly how it happened, they found their lips pressed together, both wanting to deepen the kiss, but both too nervous to make the next move. Instead, they each tucked their chin, letting their foreheads meet before Audrey finally pulled away. “You…should go,” she told him quietly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  

He nodded, turning away from her, grabbing his backpack, and heading toward the door. 

“And JT?” she called, causing him to pause nervously and turn to face her. “Read the damn chapters. I can see right through your bullshit.” She winked. 

He smirked, biting his bottom lip and shrugging before leaving her apartment, walking back to his dorm, and trying to figure out how he was supposed to handle the fact that he was falling in love with his tutor. 

The Good Guy in This Story (7)

“Redshirt!”

Fuck, JT thought, downing the rest of whatever shit beer was in his plastic cup as he spotted a couple of his teammates coming toward him. He’d left the frat house to get some fresh air outside the party and he’d hoped he could catch a few minutes to himself, slightly overwhelmed by the number of people who wanted to talk to him. 

No luck.

Two of his teammates, upperclassmen, approached him. Center and captain Mark D’Angelo practically jumped onto his back as Tate Macklin, the starting goalie, ripped the empty cup from his hand and replaced it with another full one. “Drink up, Red!” 

JT already had a nice buzz going, between the few beers and puffs of his pen, and he didn’t want to ruin it by getting too sloppy. “Nah,” he protested, “I’m…” 

“Shhhh,” D’Angelo said, moving the cup to JT’s mouth and tipping the bottom of it, forcing him to drink. “Good boy.” 

So, he drank.

Once his teammate let go, he stopped drinking, leaving about half the beer in the cup. “Need to forget that piss poor performance tonight. I mean, not that you’re to blame,” D’Angelo said to JT, then looked over at Macklin and pointed. “Not like this fuckin’ country ass sieve over here.” 

“Suck it,” Macklin shot back. “What were you, minus 4 tonight? Fuck outta here with that shit.” 

The game had been a disaster, with Michigan State having dominated from puck drop to the final horn. Not a great way to start the season for the Nittany Lions, getting their asses handed to them in front of a sold-out crowd of over 6,000 at Pegula Ice Arena. The team had been off to a very slow start, struggling to get into a rhythm even in their practices, though the defense had fared a bit better during those because of JT. He and Colton Carter had really begun to gel as a defensive pair over the past few weeks, and JT’s absence during tonight’s game was felt. 

“Real shame you can’t play, Red. We could really use your vision,” Macklin lamented. “Rest of the D is a nightmare right now, to be honest. Absolutely no pressure. Hung me out there to dry tonight. Well, anyway, drink up. Coach is gonna run us into the fuckin’ ground tomorrow at practice. Might as well live it up tonight.” 

Macklin turned to go back inside and D’Angelo followed, stopping to bump JT’s shoulder. “You bury that dick yet tonight, Red?”

JT shook his head, grimacing as he downed the rest of the swill in his cup. 

“Well, there’s plenty of horny chicks in there for you,” D’Angelo announced, roughing up his teammate’s hair. “Or…horny guys. You know, no judgment.” 

Rolling his eyes, JT asked, “And why would you say that, exactly?”

“Well, you know, it’s just…Carter may have mentioned…something.” 

“Of course he did.” 

“Listen, it’s…whatever. It’s not a big deal. None of us, like, care. At all.” 

“You’re right,” JT agreed. "It’s not a big deal. I just…like both, OK?” 

“Yeah, totally. Hey, have fun tonight, whoever you end up with.” And with that, D’Angelo turned and followed Macklin inside. 

JT stood there for a moment, closed his eyes, and took a few deep breaths. 

4-7-8

4-7-8

He knew people didn’t do it to be dicks, or at least he hoped they didn’t do it to be dicks, but it always caught him off guard when people would bring up his sexuality and follow it up with, “It’s not a big deal.” 

No shit it isn’t a big deal. It’s a big deal because you’re making it a big deal by telling me that it’s not a big deal. 

Ever since high school, JT knew he played for both teams. He’d lost his virginity to an older girl when he was 14 and had dated a few girls while playing juniors, but he was very much attracted to guys. Something about the familiarity of their bodies, being certain about which “buttons to push”, so to speak, turned him on. He’d never been in a relationship with a guy, but he’d hooked up with plenty of them. 

Hell, he’d hardly been in relationships with girls either; the two that he’d dated pretty seriously both had accused him of “wanting a mother, not a girlfriend.” 

Bisexual? Pansexual? Everyone seemed so hyper focused on having the right label for every goddamn thing these days. 

Like, couldn’t something just be what it was? 

He didn’t know what to label himself. Sometimes he wanted to eat pussy, sometimes he wanted to suck dick. And he’d never been with a trans person, but if the opportunity presented itself, he’d be down.

Whatever that made him was whatever he was. 

At the moment, there were really only two people he wanted to get his hands on anyway, and neither of them were at this party. One was a little too old for frat parties, and the other was a fuckin’ nerd who went home to study for his astrophysics test after the game. 

He decided to head back to the dorm and call it a night, but as he started toward the street, he remembered that his backpack was still inside. 

Shit, he thought, anxious at the thought of going back into that hellhole and fighting off all the now-drunk asses who wanted to talk to him. Trying to cover his face, he shoved his way through the crowd of people in the kitchen and living room. Finally, he got to a hallway near the bathroom that opened up a bit, near the closet where he’d stashed his bag. 

As he approached the closet, he noticed a girl slumped against the wall next to the door. She had on a tight, black crop top, a denim miniskirt that barely covered London or France, and thigh high black boots. She was swaying slightly and appeared to be very intoxicated. 

“Um, hey. Are you…are you here with someone?” he asked, standing next to her and reaching a hand out to steady her a bit.

She laughed, tossing her dark red hair over one shoulder and flopping onto him. 

“Oh, shit. OK,” he said, taken aback and propping her up as she landed in his arms. 

“Why? You wanna fuck me too?” she slurred, leaning against him and resting her forehead on his shoulder. 

“No. Definitely not.”

She gasped, then pouted. “Why? You don’t think I’m pretty?” 

“You’re very pretty. But you’re also very wasted.” 

Her arms ended up wrapped around his neck and she leaned into his ear. “I wanna suck your dick.” 

“Yeah, um, that’s not…” 

“There she is!” A shirtless, ripped up guy shouted as he came around the corner. “Oh, shit. What’s up, Redshirt?” 

JT had no idea who he was but assumed he was one of the frat bros based on the Greek letters emblazoned on his backwards cap. Since this frat was the unofficial “hockey party house”, despite his best efforts to stay hidden, everyone knew who JT DiMara was. 

Which sucked.

The guy came over and punched him playfully in the arm. “You movin’ in on my piece, Red?” 

“Nah, I…was just…coming to get my bag, and…” 

“It’s all good. I can share. I’m uh,” he said, looking around and leaning into JT’s ear, “waitin’ on a couple of my boys, anyway. Gonna have a little spit roast, run a little train. Isn’t that right, baby?” He reached a hand to the drunk girl’s face and caressed her cheek. “You said it’s cool, right? That you wanna get with me and my boys?” 

She nodded, eyes closed. 

JT looked at her, then back at the frat bro. “I mean, since you’re waiting for your boys, do you…I mean, mind if I, like, take a stab at it first?” 

“Not at all, Red. Mi pussy es su pussy. Just keep her clean, OK? Take her,” he pointed down the hallway, “in there. Second door on the left. I’m gonna go get another beer and see where these fuckers are at. Condoms are in the top drawer of my nightstand. Have fun.” 

“Can you walk?” JT asked the girl, taking her hand in his. “I need you to follow me, OK?” 

She stumbled behind him, down the hallway and past a few people standing around chatting, until they got to the bedroom. JT turned the doorknob and opened the door, almost gagging at the combination of smells in the filthy room: mildew from wet towels that had been thrown onto the floor, sheets that probably hadn’t been washed all semester, and an attempt to cover it all up with copious amounts of Axe Body Spray. 

To be fair, JT wouldn’t have ever washed his sheets either if it wasn’t for Ryker reminding him to do so every week. 

Fuckin’ nerd.

He locked the door behind them and they slalomed their way around piles of dirty clothes and trash before he sat her down on the edge of the bed. She had a small purse strapped around her shoulder, and just as he took it from her, she fell backward onto the mattress. JT opened the bag, pulled out her phone, and tapped her. “Hey. sweetie, look here.” 

He held the phone in her face, and it took a few attempts, but it finally unlocked. “Tell me your bestie’s name. Who would you call if you were in trouble?” 

“Knndy,” she mumbled.

“Kennedy? You’d call Kennedy?” 

She nodded, not moving. 

“And what’s your name?” he asked, scrolling through her phone until he found Kennedy’s number. 

“Brinley.”

“Ok, seriously? What are the fucking odds of this?” JT said out loud, remembering his conversation with Aud earlier that day. 

“I’m sure there’s some sorority girl just foaming at the mouth to get her hands on JT DiMara. One named Brinley? Mckenzie? Kennedy?”

Just needed a Mckenzie now for the hat trick. 

“Hey, Brin?” a female voice answered, sounding half asleep. 

“Yeah, um, hi. This is…I have your friend Brinley here and she’s, um, really drunk.” 

“Is she OK? Did you do anything to her, because I swear to God, I’ll break your fucking neck, you piece of shit…” 

“No, no, it’s not like that,” he interrupted. “She was about to be in a real bad situation and I made sure I got her out of it. She said to call you. Can you, like, come get her?” 

“Text me the address. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Keep her safe, please.” And with that, she ended the call. 

JT texted the address to Kennedy and set the phone down onto the bed. He turned toward Brinley, who was on her back, snoring. Running a hand through his hair, he reached into his pocket for his pen, took a couple pulls, and waited for Kennedy to text that she was there. 

✽✽✽

“Come on, Brin,” Kennedy said loudly, sliding her hands under her friend and trying to scoop her up off the bed, JT helping get the drunk girl to her feet. “Come on, babe. We gotta go.” 

“Urghmph,” Brinley mumbled, eyes closed and trying to lean her head on her friend’s shoulder. 

“No, babe. Come on, you can pass out when we get to the car. But I need you to walk right now, OK?” 

JT opened the bedroom door and peeked out, making sure the frat bro and his boys were nowhere in sight before signaling to Kennedy that it was OK for them to leave. He threw his arm around the other side of Brinley, and the two fumbled her down the hall and outside the front door, where Kennedy’s car was parked not too far from the front porch with its hazards flashing. 

He pulled open the passenger door and the two maneuvered her into the front seat, JT reclining it so she could lie back. He closed the door and Kennedy threw her arms around him, taking him aback. 

“Thank you,” she said softly, pulling away from him. “I wish to God there were more like you. She’s…she doesn’t always make the best decisions, but it’s no excuse for guys to treat her the way they do. I mean, we’ve…been down this road before. Our other roommates and I have been trying to get her some help, but…well, anyway, thanks again, JT. You’re the good guy in this story. You know that, right?” 

He nodded. “Get her home safe, OK?” 

“Will do.” She got into her car and pulled away, JT beginning to head down the street toward his dorm. 

“The fucking bag!” he yelled aloud, palming his face and turning back toward the house yet again to retrieve his damn backpack. 

Once inside, he hurried to the closet, pulled open the door, picked up the bag, and slung it over his shoulder. As he closed the door and turned to leave, he was met with a familiar face. 

“Have fun with her, Red?” the frat bro asked curiously, eyeing JT up and down. 

“Um, yeah. She was…it was good, man. So good.” 

“Nice. So, she’s still in my room then?” 

“She should be. I don’t really…” 

“Bullshit,” he interrupted. “I saw you load her into her friend’s car. What the fuck, man? Why you bein’ a fuckin’ cockblock, anyway?”  

JT scoffed. “That girl was beyond wasted, man.” 

“And?” he asked flippantly, throwing his hands up. “It’s a frat house, Red. That’s what happens. People get drunk and fuck. Tale as old as time, bruh. Anyway, I got her consent. You were right there.”

“You know a drunk girl can’t consent, man. Especially not that drunk. She couldn’t even open her eyes. Come on, don’t be a fucking moron. Guys go to jail for shit like this. Is that what you want, to go to jail for rape? Because that can happen, I promise you. You gotta be smarter. There’s no fucking way that girl could’ve given consent as drunk as she was.”  

The frat bro rolled his eyes. “You’re right, man. You’re…fuckin’ right.” He stuck out his hand. JT reached out to shake it and the guy pulled him in for a quick hug. “Thank you.” 

“Yeah, no problem. Be careful, OK? Don’t do that shit. You can ruin someone’s fucking life, not to mention your own. A nut’s not worth it, my guy.” 

“Ugh, fuck,” he grunted, pulling off his backwards cap, raking a hand through his blond hair, and returning it to his head. “I’m so fuckin’ horny right now. It’s been, like, three days. Yo, there’s gotta be someone sober enough to consent around here. You got me all paranoid now.” 

Good. You need to be, JT thought as he scanned the guy’s shirtless body, then decided to go for it. He’d take one for the team if it meant some poor girl didn't wake up full of shame and regret the next morning. Not that it’d be too much of a sacrifice; the kid was smokin’ hot. “I’m, uh, actually not wasted.” 

“Cool. Why don’t you help me find one then? Clearly, you’re a better judge of sobriety than I am.” 

Wow, someone can’t take a fucking hint. 

“How, um, open-minded are you?” 

The frat bro narrowed his eyes at JT, starting to put together the pieces. “Fuck you sayin’ right now, Red?” 

“I’m saying…come to your bedroom with me.” JT leaned in toward him, sliding a hand around his waist. “Give me five minutes and I’ll have you coming so fucking hard down my throat you’ll see God.” 

The guy snickered. “I’m not…I’m not gay, Red,” he asserted, making absolutely no effort to move away as JT moved closer, bumping his nose with his own. 

“Hey, college is for experimenting, right?” JT brushed his lips against the guy’s, who remained frozen. “Come on, frat boy. You mean to tell me you’ve never thought about what it might be like to fuck around with another guy before?” 

“I mean…I, like, haven’t really…maybe, like…thought about it, but, like…” 

Got him.

JT pulled him by the waist and started moving toward his bedroom. “Come on. Seriously, five minutes. Set a timer.” 

“Shit, man. Alright,” he mumbled, as he followed JT down the hallway. 

“Paul, there you are!” 

Two more shirtless douches appeared at Paul’s door just as they were about to enter. 

“Is Redshirt gettin’ in on the action, too?” one of them asked. 

Paul looked at JT, motioning with his hand to the other two guys as if to ask if they were invited to the party, too. 

JT nodded slowly.

Paul opened the door and all four of them entered, JT closing and locking it behind them, gagging a little again at the potpourri of stale smells. He pulled his shirt off and tossed it onto the floor alongside his backpack. 

“Where the fuck did Brin go, man?” one of the other ones asked, scanning the room and noticing that it consisted solely of four, half-naked dudes. “That bitch was fuckin’ keyed up for us all night.” 

Paul untied the drawstring on his black joggers as JT dropped to his knees in front of him. “Listen, Red. No kissing, no touching. You promise?” He grabbed a handful of JT’s hair and tugged it. “Just work my cock with those big ass lips of yours, hockey boy.” Paul and JT both turned to look at the other two guys, who stood there, wide-eyed and pitching very obvious tents. “He’s, uh, gonna take down all three of us.” 

Both of the other guys looked at each other, shrugged, and immediately began undoing their own pants. 

“A nut’s a nut, bruh,” one of them said, and JT smirked as he watched them both take their hard dicks into their hands and begin jerking themselves off slowly, before turning his attention back toward Paul. With one hand cupping his balls, he used the other to grip the base and guide it into his mouth slowly, Paul’s hips bucking forward. He let out a loud whimper as JT began feverishly sucking on his cock. 

He rolled the frat boy’s balls in his hand while simultaneously working his other around the base as he sucked. He swirled his tongue around the kid’s thick head and looked up at him, met immediately by Paul’s lidded eyes and a mouth that hung open lazily. “Fuck, Red. You’re gonna…holy shit. I’m gonna fuckin’ cum so hard. Shit.” 

“Damn. Already?” one of the other guys asked, as the other moved near JT and shoved his dick into his face. Continuing to jerk Paul off, JT took the other guy in his hand, opened his mouth, and tapped both of their cockheads against his tongue, sliding it slowly along the underside of both at the same time and getting off on the moans that were escaping the boys. With each lick, he moved their heads closer together until they were touching, and he quickly wrapped one hand around both boys’ cocks and jerked them off together. 

JT glanced up when he heard the third guy say, “Oh, shit,” and watched as Paul and the second guy kissed while he worked them against his tongue. And they weren’t just kissing; they were devouring each other’s mouths, each of them rocking their hips forward with a handful of JT’s hair clutched between their fingers. 

He’d never done it before, but figured this was as good a time as any to give it a shot, so he opened his jaw as far as he could and sucked both of their cocks as far into his mouth as he could get them. Both hands reached around to each of the boys’ asses, pulling their hips forward as he struggled to take them both at once, but powered through.  

The familiar tensing up of ass cheeks let him know that both of them were about to let go, and JT ran his hands along the sides of both their dicks, pressing them against each other and opened his mouth wide. He looked up, his eyes meeting theirs, and a few seconds later, both were releasing thick strands of cum onto his tongue and whimpering, Paul’s knees buckling at one point. 

“Yeah, swallow it, you fucking slut,” the other guy moaned, finishing the last pulses of his orgasm inside JT’s open mouth. 

Doing as he was told, he quickly flipped around, briefly taking notice of what appeared to be a handoff of some sort between the third guy and the second guy, and grabbed hold of the third guy’s stiff cock. 

“That’s right. Suck my fuckin’ cock, Redshirt,” he moaned, as he took two fistfuls of JT’s hair and slammed his hips forward, hitting the back of his throat, causing him to gag and his eyes to water. This guy was hungry for it, fucking JT’s mouth like it was his day job. “Suck that cock, you pathetic little bitch.” 

Never one to have been remotely phased by degradation, JT grabbed the guy’s ass while leaning back at the same time, lying down on his back and pulling him on top of his face. On the floor, he stifled his gag reflex and closed his teary eyes as the guy got onto all fours and fucked into JT’s throat relentlessly. 

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum down your throat, slut. Oh, shit, Oh, shit,” he moaned, as he released his load, with JT pressing two fingers up into his taint to massage his prostate. 

When JT had milked every last drop of cum from the guy, he pulled out of his mouth and stood up. “Holy shit, DiMara,” he said, grabbing him by the hand to pull him to his feet. “You’re a fuckin’ Hoover. Jesus Christ, I can’t feel my legs, man.” 

Snickering, JT tucked his own throbbing boner under his waistband and watched as the second guy handed a phone over to the guy JT had just serviced. Though he thought it a bit odd, he was focused on getting dressed, making sure he grabbed his goddamn backpack, and getting the hell out of there. He pulled his shirt on, wiped his lips, and licked his fingers as all three guys just stared at him. “So, I mean, are we good here?” he asked, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. 

All of them nodded, avoiding any further eye contact with him as he headed toward the door. 

“Cool. Have a good night, gentlemen.” 

He exited the frat house, checking the time on his phone when he got outside and onto the road. 

1:48 a.m.

There were also two texts: one from Audrey and one from Ryker. 

A: I hope you had fun at the game tonight. I’m sorry about all that shit I unleashed on you earlier. Thanks for listening. See you tomorrow. 

R: Bring me something chocolatey when you come home, Banner. Studying for this test is kicking my ass. 

JT made the 15-minute walk home in under 10, hauling ass for a few reasons.

First, because his mind was spinning as he replayed the highlight reel of today’s events:

He’d kissed Audrey, and even though it really wasn’t a kiss, he knew he was falling for her. He didn’t have the first clue what he was supposed to do about that, but he knew it most likely wasn’t going to end well.

He’d saved a girl from being gang raped, and even though the dumbasses were completely oblivious to that fact, believing they had her consent, he knew that wouldn’t have ended well, either.

He’d simultaneously sucked off three guys in a frat house, and even though not one of them were “gay”, they’d all had no problem whatsoever nutting in his mouth in record time. 

The second reason he was racing home is because he had the most raging hard-on of his life, and if he didn’t rub one out soon, he was certain he was going to explode. 

Arriving at Bigler Hall, he scanned his key card, stopped at the vending machine to grab a Hershey bar for Ryker, and headed up to his room. 

As he entered the dorm, the light was on and he found Ryker slumped over on his desk, passed out in front of his astrophysics textbook, his glasses crooked and a highlighter still in his hand. He smiled, tapping him a few times and ultimately startling him awake. 

“Huh? Hey. What?” he mumbled groggily, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. 

“Here,” he said, tossing the Hershey bar at him. “You can have it for breakfast. You need to go to bed, Nerd.” 

“Thanks, Banner,” Ryker said with a yawn. “You have fun tonight?” 

JT shrugged. “Get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” 

He waited for his roommate to climb into bed and start snoring before he freed his cock from his briefs and beat it into a fucking coma, his thoughts bouncing wildly between Audrey’s thighs, Ryker’s ass, and ultimately the three hot guys he’d blown tonight while he came. 

Fuck have you gotten yourself into, DiMara? he thought, reaching for some nearby tissues and wiping his load from his stomach. 

And soon enough, he’d find out the answer to that question. 

I’m Pretty Sure That’s a Sex Crime, Man (8) 

“I am so not looking forward to this,” Ryker complained as he and JT headed into Pegula for their 8 a.m. practice. “We’re gonna get our asses chewed out for that shit yesterday.” 

“Yeah, well, I should be off the hook, considering I can’t even play.” 

“I had seven minutes of ice time, Banner. I hardly played either.” 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you. You can’t see shit without your glasses. You wear contacts when you play?” 

“Wow, you should’ve been a goalie. Absolutely nothing gets by you, Banner.” 

“Dick,” JT muttered, as they made a left, then walked down the hallway toward the locker room. 

“So, did you sleep well?” Ryker asked, taking JT by surprise. 

“Yes, Dad. I slept fine. Why?” 

“I imagine you did, considering the absolute smackdown you laid on your dick.” 

“Fuck,” JT mumbled, his face reddening. “I thought you were asleep, Nerd. You were literally snoring.” 

“You’re not quiet.”

“Sorry.”

“Not gonna lie, it was kinda hot,” Ryker teased, bumping him with his shoulder. “I like your little sex noises…” 

“OK, that’s plenty of this conversation,” JT interrupted, opening the door to the locker room. Most of the guys were already there and in various states of dressed, and JT could sense the tension in the room the moment he entered. Eyes were on him, following him around the room, quickly looking away when he attempted to meet them with his own. There were whispers, and no one was teasing him and calling him Red the way they normally did when he’d show up. 

Maybe they’re all still upset about the game last night, he thought, trying his best not to read too much into it. He geared up and headed out to the ice, where they were immediately reamed out for not bothering to show up against Michigan State and forced to complete a series of suicide drills, which ended in a couple guys heaving into a nearby trashcan. 

When the defense and offense had split up, JT and Colton Carter were paired for a few strong side drills, and while they normally chatted it up between the action, Colton was silent. Coach eventually called a five-minute water break, and JT decided to try and figure out if he was losing it. 

“Carter,” he said, coming to a stop next to him and grabbing a bottle. “Is it me, or is, like, everyone being really weird today?” 

“Nah, it’s just…” Colton paused, looking around uncomfortably and shooting some water into his mouth. “Pissed about last night is all.” 

Just then, D’Angelo skated over, snowing both of them and tapping JT on the ass with the toe of his stick. “I’d ask if you guys were runnin’ any 3-on-1 drills, but apparently Red’s already a fuckin’ pro.” 

“Mark,” Colton chided. “Fuck off with that shit, man.” 

JT now knew for certain there was fuckery afoot. “Nah, let him cook. What’s, um, what’s that supposed to mean, exactly?” he asked, feeling the familiar surge of anger beginning to rise in his throat. “This have anything to do with our conversation last night outside the party?” 

He didn’t like where this was going. 

“I mean, when I said have fun, I didn’t know you were going to have that much fun. Shit, Red. Even I gotta admit that was fuckin’ impressive.” 

“Alright, seriously,” JT raised his voice, throwing his stick to the ice and moving in on D’Angelo. “What the fuck are you talking about right now?” 

Promptly, several of the other guys made their way over to see what the commotion was about, and within seconds, Ryker was at JT’s side, hand firmly gripping his shoulder. “Hey, calm down, Banner. It’s OK.” 

“Nah, fuck that,” JT interrupted him, beginning to panic. “What’s going on? Seriously?” He turned toward Colton. “Carter, man. What the fuck?” 

Colton exhaled. “The guys from last night? One of them uploaded the video of…the activities that took place to his OnlyFans. He’s not a student here. Used to be. He belonged to the frat and still parties there all the time. He has a shit ton of subscribers on campus…”

“What video, man? What are you…”

JT immediately felt sick to his stomach. 

The handoff.

The phone.

They’d fucking recorded him. 

Without his knowledge or consent. 

“I gotta hand it to you, Red,” D’Angelo continued. “Taking down three frat guys at once like that? And two at the same time? I didn’t even know you did OnlyFans content. Just be careful. I mean, a lot of us have, but if the school catches wind of it…” 

“I don’t…I don’t…” was all he could get out. “I didn’t know they were…” 

“Ah, shit,” one of the upperclassmen, Ryan LeFleur, said as he skated over to the group. “You guys talking about ‘Slutty Hockey Boy Takes Down Three Frat Bros’? Congrats, man. You know, I heard it’s already made, like, over two grand. You better get your cut of that shit, Red.” 

“I didn’t fuckin’ consent to shit!” JT screamed, doubling-over and groaning, unable to move. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God,” he repeated, feeling like he was about to puke at any moment. 

“You’ve gotta keep your image clean, and you’ve gotta stay out of trouble. No fights, no drama, no arrests, and no scandals.”

Welp, so much for that. 

“Hey, no worries. Listen,” LeFleur tried to reassure him. “You couldn’t even see your face. At all. It was hidden.” 

“Then how the fuck do you know it was me?” he mumbled, standing up and ripping off his helmet, sweat pouring from his head. 

“Um…the back tats. But only because I’ve seen them. And they kept calling you Redshirt. Other than that? I mean, no one, like, would even know…”

“Yeah, OK. Son of a fucking bitch!” JT yelled, slamming his helmet to the ice as the other guys looked around at each other. 

JT mailed it in for the rest of the practice, and when it was over, he promptly exited the ice for the locker room. Once inside, he tore off his gear and threw it onto the floor, kicking at his pads with his skates and trying his best not to completely lose his temper. 

Deep breaths.

4-7-8

4-7…

“Fuck!” he screamed, plopping onto the bench in front of his stall, hanging his head, and tearing at his hair. 

Ryker was instantly by his side, arm around his shoulder, and though JT wanted to push him away, he didn’t, instead allowing the young man to comfort him as tears of anger slipped down his cheeks. 

It was at that moment a couple of the other guys, who’d remained on the opposite side of the ice and missed the conversation, came through the locker room, and JT heard one of them say, “What’s his problem?” 

Before he could even think about reacting, Ryker jumped up and had the guy on the floor in a headlock. “What’s your problem, asshole?” he shouted, as the two struggled wildly on the ground before a few of the other teammates pulled them apart. 

“You’re fucking psycho, McCreery!” the guy yelled, as two others dragged him away. 

“Do something about it then!” he called after him as Colton dumped him back onto the bench. Ryker gave JT, who was staring at him wide-eyed, an upward nod, letting him know he had his back. 

Awww.

“Everyone just…needs to calm down, man,” Colton said quietly, as D’Angelo and Macklin made their way over to them. “Just let cooler heads prevail, OK?” 

“Cooler heads, my ass,” D’Angelo grumbled, reaching a hand out toward JT. “Red, listen. I had no idea that it wasn’t…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said, man. I was way out of line, and I’m sorry.” 

JT reached out and shook his hand before pulling it back and swatting bitterly at some tears. 

“This isn’t over, Red,” Macklin added. “We’re gonna handle this shit. I’m pretty sure that’s a sex crime, man. Right?” He looked over at D’Angelo, who shrugged. 

“Don’t know if it’s a sex crime, but you’re goddamn right we’re gonna handle this shit. We’re not gonna let him get away with it. Nix has always been a scumbag anyway. He’s gonna wish he didn’t fuck with our redshirt.” 

Nix, JT thought, realizing that up until that point, he didn’t even know the names of two-thirds of the guys whose loads he’d swallowed, and that one-third still remained a mystery. 

“Seriously, we’ve got your back, man,” D’Angelo assured JT, patting him on the shoulder. “We’re gonna take care of this shit tonight. There’s a football game today against Michigan State, home game, so they’ll be having another party later on. We’re gonna pay them a little visit, OK, Red? This shit is gonna end real quick. And you’re not gonna get in trouble, so don’t even worry about it.” 

JT nodded, as Ryker placed a hand on his thigh, letting it linger for a few seconds before squeezing and pulling away. “I’ll be there,” Ryker told him. 

“Hey, we’ll text you later when we’re heading over. Seriously, don’t sweat it, Red. We got your back.” 

JT watched the three men walk away toward their stalls and was overcome with emotion, letting his head fall into his hands as he thought about how lucky he was to have so many people, people he hardly even knew, willing to go to war for him at the drop of a dime. 

He was becoming acutely aware that his walls were beginning to come down. 

And that absolutely fucking terrified him. 

“When you meet the right people, the ones who wanna help you, don’t push them away.” 

“I won’t, Mom,” he whispered, swiping at his face and bending over to untie his skates. “I won’t.” 

✽✽✽

“So, when you say you kissed, did you like, kiss, or…” Jess prodded Audrey as the two sat in the Starbucks of the Giant they’d gone to for their weekly groceries.  

Audrey smirked, taking a sip of her nonfat cappuccino, then tapping her fingers against the cup. “It wasn’t like, a kiss. It was…I don’t know how to describe it. Like, we just…”

“Was there tongue?”

“No. Our lips met and just kinda…hung out there for a minute.” 

“And did you want more?” 

“I mean…maybe?”

“Ahhh! You’re fucking falling for the college boy you’re tutoring!” Jess yelled, causing a mom with two young kids to glance in their direction and shoot them a dirty look. “Oh, calm down, Mary Poppins,” Jess said to the woman. “Don’t act like you wouldn’t love to have yourself a college boy to play with, too.” 

The woman rolled her eyes, scooped an arm around her two kids, and scampered away. 

“Jess!” Audrey yelled, reaching across the table and smacking her arm. 

“What? I’m telling you, Aud. Fuck him. It’ll change your life. I’ve hooked up with…” Jess paused, closing her eyes and counting on her fingers. “Four now. I’m an addict. A certified addict. They are so fucking horny, Aud. It’s unreal. And they love to eat ass. Seriously cannot get enough of it.” 

“You, you…there’s something wrong with you,” she teased, sipping her drink. 

“Have you ever had your ass eaten?” 

“We’re not talking about this now. Or ever. Thanks.”

“Fine. But seriously, Audrey. You’re falling for him. You talk about him nonstop. I mean, just admit it.” 

“And what if I am? It’s not like it matters. For one, he’s a hockey boy. Two, he’s way too young for me, and three…” She paused, hanging her head. 

“Three?”

Audrey sighed. “He’s this…amazing soul, no lie. He’s so in tune with things, like…he gets the world. He’s not ‘book smart’, but he’s so unbelievably intuitive. Like, he’s got an exceptional echoic memory, which means if he hears something, he remembers it. It's crazy. He knows the most random facts about the most random of topics. And he’s funny. So funny. Gives my shit right back to me, and way better.” 

“Don’t forget hot.”

“Yeah, that, too. He’s so beautiful, Jess. Ugh, fuck,” Audrey dropped her head onto the table and pounded it lightly with her fist a few times. “He’s 20. Jess: he’s 20 goddamn years old. I’m gonna be 34. This…shit like this doesn’t work. Ever. It’s only gonna end in heartbreak.” 

“No one said you had to marry him, Aud. But you need to let that boy lay you down and give you a proper dicking. You haven’t even looked at anyone since Ev. Seriously, you better ride this kid’s cock. And soon.”

“I’m his tutor, Jess. That’s…that’s…” 

“Fucking hot,” Jess interrupted. “Dude, here.” She took out her phone, typed for a bit, then turned the screen toward Audrey. “Pornhub. College student and tutor. Look how many search results there are! You could literally be living the dream.”

“Oh, yeah. The dream, alright,” Audrey groaned, downing the rest of her coffee and ignoring the rumble in her stomach. “Even my shit car told me to go fuck myself.” 

“They couldn’t fix it?”  

Audrey shook her head. “It’s a 12-year-old Mirage, dude. The repairs are more than the car is worth. Whole engine block is shot. So, I’m officially without a car. Which, whatever, I can walk most places from our building, but like, it’s gonna get really cold soon, and that’s gonna suck.” 

“Can’t you get a low-mileage lease or something?” 

“I mean, I could, but it’d be pushing it. I’d need a few grand for a down payment anyway, which I definitely don’t have. And between rent, utilities, groceries, health insurance, my student loans, it’s…it’d be really tight.” Audrey’s phone buzzed and she looked down to see a text from JT. 

J:  I didn’t read the chapters. Sorry. They’re not due until Wed. I’ll have them done by Tuesday. 

A: OK. Did you wanna cancel today then? 

J: No. I really need to see you. Something kinda happened, and I’m kinda freaking the fuck out. 

J: Can I see you? 

“Shit,” Audrey mumbled, typing a quick reply. 

A: Yeah, of course. You wanna go for a hike at Rothrock? Clear your head a bit? 

J: I’ll do whatever the fuck you want as long as I can see you. 

A: OK, meet me at my place in an hour. And we have to Uber because my car took a shit. 

“Um, Aud? You’re glowing.” 

She smiled, putting her phone down. “OK, fine. I like him. There? You happy? I…fucking like him. And I know I’m gonna get my heart broken again.” 

“Why do you say that?” 

“Because guys his age want one thing from women our age, and it’s not a happily ever after.” 

“Maybe…I don’t know, maybe he’s different,” Jess suggested. “And again, who said anything about a happily ever after. Just….fucking let him eat your ass.” 

“Ugh, OK. You…what’s with you and eating ass all of a sudden?” 

“Make you a deal: when it happens, because it’s going to happen, text me your apology.” 

“Fine,” Audrey said, standing up and grabbing her bags. “Anyway, I gotta get back. We’re…he didn’t read his chapters, so we’re going hiking instead.” 

“You mean, you’re going on a date.” 

“It’s not a date,” Audrey insisted. 

“Keep telling yourself that, babe. Keep telling yourself that.”

They headed out of the store to Jess’s car.  

So, what if it was a date? 

Every Gray Hair I Have Is from That Kid (9)

“Alright. Hey, hang in there, OK? It’s…it’ll be OK. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it…I know you didn’t, JT…He won’t…I love you, too. Bye.” 

Ryan Baylor ended the call with JT and exhaled loudly, running a hand through his thinning hair and shaking his head. He and Hayes had been working out some scheduling logistics for an upcoming 10u tournament in the office when he saw JT was calling. 

“I have to take this. I’ll be right back,” he’d told his husband as he exited the office, took the call, and instantly developed a migraine as JT dropped his most recent drama bomb on him. 

As he headed back toward the office to fill his husband in and hopefully prevent him from hopping on a plane to Pennsylvania and murdering Jacob Tyler DiMara, Ryan heard a familiar voice call his name. 

“Hey, Matt. What’s going on?” The two shook hands quickly in the lobby, Ryan taking notice of some possible tension between them as they touched, but refusing to give it another thought. The 28-year-old 10u coach had just started over the last month, and he was really good. 

And also, really hot. 

A former NHL prospect forced to retire early due to complications from repeated concussions, he’d gone into coaching following his final season with the Coachella Valley Firebirds of the AHL. 

“Any word on the tourney times yet?” he asked Ryan. 

Ryan shook his head. “We’re actually finalizing the details now. I just…had to take a quick phone call. But as soon as I know, you’ll know.” 

“Cool, cool. You know, Ryan, I’d love to sit down with you and pick your brain about some defensive drills for the kids. It’s the one area where they’re so weak. You’re just…you’re really good, and you know so much from all your time in the NHL. I’d love to get your input, see what you think we could do to get them up to level.” 

“Yeah, definitely. Anything to help. Maybe we can, like, run a clinic, if you think it’d be beneficial.” 

“Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Here,” Matt said, pulling his phone out. “Maybe we can, like, talk over dinner or drinks, whatever. What’s your number?” 

Ryan.

Dear, sweet Ryan, as oblivious as he was handsome, rattled off the digits to his employee, who quickly texted him a winking emoji with its tongue out. 

“There. Now you have mine, too. And, just so you know, you can call or text me whenever you want, OK?” 

There it was.

Oh shit.

“Yeah. Listen, I’m gonna…go find my husband, who I love very much. I’ll see you around. And I’ll have Hayes text you the details of the tournament times when we figure everything out.”

With that, he hauled ass back toward the office and away from the gorgeous man who was 17 years his junior and very clearly hitting on him. 

Closing the office door behind him, he took a moment to stare at Hayes as he worked: bent over the binder, pencil in one hand, forehead resting on the other as he counted aloud and then scribbled something. 

The man was beautiful. 

Despite everything Hayes had been through, he’d held up phenomenally. He’d kept himself in decent physical condition, as much as the scar tissue in his shoulder would allow, and much of his hair had turned silver, which Ryan found insanely hot. 

Truth be told, their relationship had become somewhat strained between the demands of the high-profile business and raising Amara’s son, but they’d always worked through whatever problems arose because, like Ryan had told him on their wedding day, their wedding rings meant that this was forever. 

The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

All of it.

And while they’d had some of the good, they’d had more than their fair share of the bad and the ugly. Addictions, anxiety and depression, cheating, a break up, the death of three good friends, and nonstop drama with JT were all things that probably would have had most couples calling it quits, but these two men refused to give up on each other.

It wasn’t even a fucking option.  

As tended to happen with time and age, their once-active sex life had slowed down over the years, but over the course of the past few months, ever since JT was arrested for banging a bartender in a back alley, it’d ground to a halt. Whenever Ryan would try and get things going, Hayes would make excuses: headache, tired, his shoulder was bothering him. 

“Is it me?” Ryan had finally asked him one time, as Hayes had rolled away from him in bed. “Are you not attracted to me anymore, baby?” 

Hayes’s heart had damn near broken, and he promptly rolled back to face his husband, running a hand across his cheek and using his thumb to wipe away some of the tears that had escaped Ryan’s eyes. “Never. Rook, don’t you ever even entertain that ridiculous fuckin’ thought again. It’s…it’s me, OK? I promise you.” 

“You sure?” Ryan had whispered, reaching up and clutching Hayes’s hand. 

“Of course. I don’t lie to you, Rook. You know that, right?” 

Ryan had nodded, then Hayes had kissed him and rolled away from him again, tears forming in his own eyes as he wondered how the hell he was supposed to tell his husband that his dick wouldn’t get hard anymore. 

Unsure if it was stress, or if his T levels had dropped with age, nothing seemed to work, not even solo play. He hadn’t been to a doctor because he was beyond embarrassed, but he knew that it was probably something that needed to happen. 

And soon.

“Hey. You figure the schedule out?” Ryan asked quietly, having a seat next to Hayes as he slammed the binder shut in celebration. 

“Done!” Hayes exclaimed. “I had to move a few of the figure skatin’ class times around, but I think it’ll work. Kelly said it’s cool, that they’ll work around it, even if they run late. Ugh, finally! I’ve been workin’ on that schedule for two days, baby.” He leaned back in the chair and ran both hands through his hair, then reached over and grabbed Ryan’s hand. “Who was on the phone anyway?” 

“Um, so it was…JT. Hayes, I need to tell you something, but I need you to promise me that you won’t flip out.” 

Hayes pulled his hand away from Ryan’s, pressed both palms up the sides of his face, and squeezed, closing his eyes. “What’d he do now?” 

“In his defense, this wasn’t really his fault…” 

“Bullshit,” Hayes interrupted. “Everything is his fault.” 

“That’s completely unfair!” Ryan snapped back. “This wasn’t his fault.” 

“Whatever. Just lay it on me, Rook. What kinda damage control are we lookin’ at this time?” 

“OK, so I’m just gonna say it, and you’re gonna take a moment before you react. Is that understood?” 

Hayes nodded.

Ryan took a deep breath, then released all of the words on the exhale. “He went to a party, hooked up with three frat guys, and one of them recorded the whole thing without his knowledge or consent and posted it to his OnlyFans.” 

“Are you fuckin’ shittin’…” 

“I said take a moment,” Ryan interrupted. “Take. A. Moment.” 

“Fine.” Hayes leaned back, counted to 10 inside his head, then spoke using a technique they’d learned while in couple’s counseling a few years back. “So, what I think I’m hearin’ you say is that there’s a video of our kid, who needs to keep his image clean, on the internet gettin’ railed by three dudes. Did I hear you correctly, Rook?” 

“Um,” Ryan fidgeted uncomfortably. “I’m not sure ‘railed’ is the right word, exactly. It was just…from what I could gather, it was just…you know, some blowjobs.” 

“Oh, even better!” Hayes yelled, clapping and throwing his hands up. “So, there’s a video of our kid on the internet suckin’ three dudes’ dicks. Awesome. This is…just fuckin’ awesome.” 

“Hayes, they violated him…” 

“Three fuckin’ cocks at once? Yeah, I’d say so…” 

“Hey!” Ryan yelled, standing up and taking Hayes by surprise. “The kid was in tears, OK? He’s completely torn up about it.” 

Hayes dropped his head between his knees. “Fuuuck,” he groaned, before sitting back upright. “So, what do we do?” 

“The team is backing him up. They’re gonna pay the guys a visit tonight and try to get it taken down. From what I understand, his face wasn’t shown. You could see his tats though, and they called him Redshirt, but there’s still plausible deniability, if it ever gets to that point.” 

“What’s he doin’ now?” Hayes asked quietly, realizing that perhaps he’d overreacted. “Is he OK?” 

Ryan nodded. “He’s going to meet up with Audrey and go for a hike.” 

“Audrey?” Hayes asked, confused. “Who the fuck is Audrey?” 

“Seriously? His tutor, babe. The one you hired for him?” 

“Oh, shit. Alright, well, at least he’s still keepin’ up on his classes and his studyin’.” 

“Yeah, definitely. Um, also, while we’re doing this, he…so, he thinks he might be falling in love with her.” Ryan grinned forcefully.

“She’s like, 33 years old, isn’t she?” Hayes asked dismissively. 

“Tyler Alexander Hayes. Do I need to remind you how we became friends with that boy’s mother?” 

Hayes closed his eyes and pretended to scream, before opening them back up and staring at his husband. “You know, I am really tryin’ to stay sober here, Rook.” 

“It’ll be OK. Let’s see what happens with his teammates. He said they’ve got his back. He seems…it seems like he’s making some really good connections with people there, baby.” 

“Yeah, he’s connected with at least three people’s…”

“Stop it,” Ryan cut him off. “He’s young, dumb, and full of cum, just like we were. Shit, we all know I had sex with half the free world. But this was not his fault. You know why he even ended up with the guys in the first place? They were trying to gangbang some chick who was too wasted to even stand up. He intervened, got her to safety, then took one for the team so they didn’t rape someone else.” 

“That’s very noble of him,” Hayes deadpanned. 

“Yeah, it is. Fine, so he’s a bit of a dumbass sometimes, but he’s a good person, Hayes. Let’s just wait it out. Though, if they aren’t able to handle it, we may need to get him legal rep. That’s gotta be some sort of crime, I would imagine.” 

“Rook?” Hayes closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. “Every gray hair I have is from that kid.” 

“Well, then,” Ryan said, getting up and moving over to where Hayes was seated. “I guess I should thank him.” Ryan straddled Hayes’s lap, ran his hands through Hayes’s hair, and leaned in to kiss him. “Because it’s incredibly sexy.” 

“You keep sayin’ that, Rook, but we both know I look like I’m fuckin’ 90 years old.” 

“Well.” Ryan let his lips trail down the side of Hayes’s neck to his shoulder. “I’ll still gladly suck that 90-year-old cock any time. In fact,” Ryan moved his hands to Hayes’s waistband, but Hayes pushed them away gently. “Come on. I’ll go lock the door.” 

“I…not now, Rook.”

Ryan climbed off Hayes’s lap and stood up, visibly frustrated. 

“I’m sorry. It’s…”

“It’s you. I know. I know that.” He reached down and touched Hayes’s cheek, letting him know that he would wait as long as it took, then adjusted the front of his pants. “Anyway, I’m gonna go get set up for the defensive clinic. Um, also, because I love you and I’m always honest with you as well, I’m pretty sure Matt, the new 10u coach, just made a pass at me.” 

“Rook?” Hayes warned, rubbing his forehead. “You know I love you more than anything in this world, but get the fuck outta my office. I literally cannot with you right now.” 

“Right. Love you, too,” Ryan said, leaving and closing the door behind him. 

Sighing, Hayes picked up his phone, called his urologist’s office, and made an appointment for this upcoming week. 

If some 28-year-old little shit thought he could waltz into his business and steal his man’s attention, he had another fucking thing coming. 

This Is My Apology (10)

“You know, for such a tough guy, you sure whine a lot,” Audrey teased as the two made their way up the hiking loop they’d been on for about 45 minutes. “Come on, we’re literally almost at the summit. The view is incredible.” 

“It fucking…better be,” JT panted, as he watched Audrey ahead of him as she climbed effortlessly, using her walking stick for stability when needed. She stopped, turned around, and stood with her hand on her hip as she waited for him to catch up. 

“Seriously, you’re an athlete. Get your shit together, DiMara.” 

“You know what?” he said, taking the stick from her hand, throwing an arm around her waist and hoisting her up over his shoulder as she squealed playfully. “I’ve had about enough of you.” 

She kicked her feet for a few seconds, then stopped as he carried her the remaining 50 feet or so until they’d finally reached the top. He lowered his shoulder, letting her feet fall to the ground, let go of her, and adjusted his backpack before handing her walking stick over. Grabbing his hand, she tugged him toward the edge to get the best view. 

It was breathtaking. He looked out at nothing but mountains, treetops, and rolling hills that hugged the Juniata River. Both of them stood there in silence for a few minutes, just taking it all in, having continued holding hands the entire time. 

“I come here when I need to clear my thoughts,” Audrey finally said, pulling him over to a nearby cluster of rocks. “But right now, I need to clear my bladder. Sit here, and I’ll be right back.” 

JT dropped his backpack and had a seat on one of the rocks overlooking the valley below. He shoved his hands into the front pocket of his light gray hoodie and completed a few deep-breathing exercises, trying to calm his nerves a bit. 

They’d made small talk for most of their hike, but there was so much he wanted to tell her that he wasn’t sure how she’d take it, mainly the incident from the party last night and the fact that he was falling for her. 

What if she thinks you’re disgusting? 

What if she rejects you? 

What if she freaks out? 

Maybe it was better to just stay silent about all of it. 

Throughout his life, JT had learned that sometimes, sharing too much would scare people away; it’d happened to him more times than he could count. He’d always considered himself kind of a loner, never really fitting into any sort of mold. But since losing both his parents, his desire for meaningful connections, the need to feel loved, accepted, and supported, had all but consumed him. 

He desperately attempted to find relationships that would fulfill the ache, the emptiness in his soul, and though they’d always start out strong, they’d die rather quickly. 

There was a formula, and it went like this: 

He’d convince himself that there was no one he could trust, no one who would accept him as he was. 

He’d meet someone who’d challenge that conviction. 

He’d “test the waters” by sharing some of himself. 

The other person would share as well, and the relationship would ignite, burning fast and bright. 

He’d let his guard down, convinced that this was it; this was a person he could trust.

He’d share way too much. 

The other person would pull away from him: calls and texts would go unanswered, and plans would be canceled, all under the guise of “being really busy.” 

He would say something really hurtful to the other person, effectively ensuring that things were over between them. 

He’d be left wondering why he wasn’t worthy of love, but convinced that he’d never, ever open himself to this kind of hurt again. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

His therapist, Dr. Namour, had explained this to him as being a combination of “avoidant attachment style” and “anxious attachment style.” Most of the time, JT was avoidant, believing that no one could be trusted and appearing withdrawn and distant, hesitant to let anyone get too close. But every now and then, he’d meet someone who’d challenge that, quickly developing an anxious, almost dependent relationship with that person that always ended in heartache. 

Knowing this was happening with Audrey, he wanted to avoid it at all costs, to give them a chance at developing an actual friendship, or…maybe something more, if it got to that point. 

“Both of your parents died suddenly, JT,”  Dr. Namour had explained to him in their most recent session. “Your father had an aneurysm and your mother had a very sudden and brief battle with cancer. It’s normal for you to fear that everyone in your life is going to leave you, or that you’re not worthy of love because the people you’ve loved most have left you. But I promise you, JT, not everyone will leave you, and you are worthy of love. Getting yourself to understand that is the first step in healing.

“You have to set boundaries for yourself with Audrey. You have to hold back some of your most intimate thoughts, no matter how comfortable you feel with her, until the time is right. Oversharing can push people away, especially those who have similar issues to your own, which, from what you’ve told me, seems to be the case with Audrey. Try getting to know each other first, build up that friendship before sharing your most private thoughts.”

That all sounded good, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was…different. They’d connected so quickly, so deeply. He could actually trust her. 

He knew he could trust her, right? 

She wasn’t like the others. 

His phone buzzed, and when he checked it, he saw that Audrey had sent him a photo of himself from behind that she’d just taken, with him sitting on the rock and staring off to the left, the beautiful view in the background. He smiled as she took a seat right beside him, him scooting over to make room for her. “That’s a gorgeous picture of you, JT. You look so deep in thought. What’s on your mind, stud?” 

Fighting the word vomit that was quickly rising in his throat, he forced it back down, remembering Dr. Namour’s advice, and choked out, “Nothing.” 

“Right. That’s convincing. Come on, you know you can talk to me, Jacob. Right?” 

And there went any prayer of any further rational thought process. 

Jacob.

Something about the way this woman called him “Jacob” melted him into a gelatinous pool of mush. Every. Single. Time. 

Don’t do it.

Don’t do it.

Don’t do it.

“So…I fucked up last night.” 

Great job, asshole.

“OK,” she said, wrapping an arm around his waist from behind. “Care to be more specific?” 

“Alright, so…fuck,” he muttered, hanging his head as she rubbed her hand against his back. “I hooked up with a few frat guys last night, and they recorded it. One of them posted it to his OnlyFans, and like, most of my team saw it already and knew it was me.” 

Audrey froze for a few seconds, then removed her hand from his back and clasped it with her other on her lap. “Are you…so you’re gay, then?” 

JT shook his head. “I’m bisexual, I guess. Maybe pansexual? I’m…attracted to certain people, not just their genitals. If, like, that makes sense.” 

“Yeah, definitely. But JT, regardless, what happened to you is wrong. You have to go to the police.” 

“The team is going to try and handle it first, tonight. We’re gonna go back to the frat house and, um…ask them very politely, I’m sure, to take the video down.”

“That isn’t enough, JT. You were violated. That’s wrong.” 

“So, here’s the thing: my face wasn’t shown, and the only reason they knew it was me is because of my back tats and the guys referring to me as Redshirt.” 

“Did you watch it?” 

He nodded slowly. “I didn’t want to. I…needed to. And I wish I hadn’t. I’m not proud of it. I’m kinda fucking sick about it.” 

“How many guys were there?” she asked. 

“Three,” he said softly. “Aud, they were gonna gang rape this chick, and I did what I had to do to make sure they didn’t.” Audrey’s loud sigh caused him to stand up and begin pacing. “You think I’m a piece of shit, don’t you?” 

“I think you’re anything but, JT.” 

“Yeah, but you’re acting all weird now that I told you. I never should’ve fucking told you.” His breathing increased and he balled up his fists, walking away from her and over to a nearby tree, placing both hands against it. He tried desperately to calm the rage that was rising within him, milliseconds away from slamming his fists into the bark, when he felt her hands on both his shoulders. 

“Breathe, babe. Just breathe, OK?” She pressed her chest against his back. “We’ll breathe together. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. OK?” 

They breathed in sync until he felt himself begin to calm down, at which point she ran her hands up the sides of his neck and through his hair. He leaned his head back into her touch, moaning slightly at the feeling of her fingernails against his scalp. 

“Are you alright?” she asked, massaging his head. 

“I am now.”

“JT?” she asked nervously. 

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something?” 

She removed her hands from his head as he turned around to face her, leaning back against the tree. “Go for it.” 

“That…happened to me, too. I mean, it was years ago. But I was with a guy at a party, I was way too drunk, and the next thing I knew, there were naked pictures of me in all sorts of compromising positions all over the internet. I was too embarrassed to say anything, and I eventually pleaded with him and got him to take them down, but I have no idea how many people saw them. You…really, you should tell someone.” 

“I’m pretty sure I just did.” 

“I mean, like, the police.” 

“And say what? ‘Hey, officers. I sucked off a bunch of frat guys and they recorded it.’ Seriously? They have real shit to handle, Aud.” 

“This is real shit, JT. You were violated.” 

“Everything I did was done willingly.” 

“Yeah, except the part where they recorded you without your consent and posted it to the fucking internet!” she yelled, becoming frustrated with him, which caused him to raise his hand to her mouth and cover it as he noticed a few other hikers nearby. 

Indignant, she reached her hand up to his and ripped it away from her face. “You don’t put your fucking hands on me like that.” 

He smirked, putting both hands up near his face, palms facing her. “Sorry. I’m sorry for touching you. But just, um, so you know? You’re really hot when you get all pissy.” 

She rolled her eyes, trying not to smile. “Fuck you, DiMara.” 

“Right here?” he asked with a shrug. “I mean, if you want. I have condoms in my backpack.” 

He reached up and brushed a piece of hair out of her face, bracing for the inevitable shove that was coming his way. What he wasn’t expecting was the feeling of her hands sliding against his bare skin, up the front of his hoodie, starting at his stomach and ending at his chest. She pressed her hips into his, rocking them slowly against the tree. “So…get one then,” she panted, rubbing his pecs. 

“Are you…you’re serious right now?” he asked, raising a hand to her chin and gently lifting her face to meet his. He’d spread his legs a bit, allowing her hips to grind into his now rock-hard dick. 

She nodded aggressively, eyes locked with his as she continued to dry hump him against the tree. “I know I shouldn’t, but I…fucking want you, JT. So bad.” He grabbed her waist and backed her up, both of them breathing wildly, as he rushed over to the rock where they’d been sitting and retrieved his backpack. When he returned with it, she grabbed his hand and pulled him further into the woods. “Come on.” 

Oh, my God.

Is this actually fucking happening right now? 

She led him about 100 feet off the hiking loop to an area that was heavily surrounded by brush. When they got there, both of them just stared at each other, unsure of the next move. “Aud,” he finally said. “You’re sure? We don’t have to. I mean, I really fucking want to, but we don’t have to.” 

“Listen, JT. I haven’t been with anyone since my ex. And that was over five months ago. This is probably a terrible decision. I’m kinda famous for them, to be honest. But I want it to be…with you, OK?”

“Yup. That is…OK.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a condom, shoving it into the pocket of his joggers before pulling off his hoodie. There was a large, flat rock nearby and he motioned for her to follow him. He spread the hoodie across the rock. “Lay down,” he told her, reaching for the button of her jeans, pulling the fly open, and yanking them and her underwear down to her knees. 

She wiggled them the rest of the way to her ankles and laid on his hoodie as he got onto his knees in front of her and placed his hands on the insides of her thick thighs. He pushed her legs up and instructed her to throw them over his shoulders, moaning loudly as he slipped a finger inside her soaking wet pussy. “Jacob…” 

“Damn, look how wet you’re getting for me. You want me to make you cum, don’t you?”

“Yes, but…we’ve been hiking and I’m kinda sweaty,” she said hesitantly, embarrassed and trying to close her legs. 

“And? I want you to tell me,” he ordered, pushing his finger in and out of her. “Tell me you want me to make you cum.” 

“Fuck,” she moaned, decidedly turned on by his confidence, especially for being so young. “I want you to make me cum, Jacob.” 

That was all he needed to hear, as he removed his finger from her and lowered his mouth to meet her body. He spread her apart, slid his thumb across her clit, and flicked his tongue against it slowly, then sped up his pace as he felt her hips begin to rock against his mouth. Wanting to give her the orgasm she needed, that she deserved, he took notice of every movement and sound she made when he’d try out a new technique. 

Seeing as she all but screamed when he flattened his tongue and rubbed it slowly but firmly against her clit, he continued with that, in awe of how wet she was for him. He felt her body begin to tense up and, deciding to edge her for just a bit longer, placed his hands on her hamstrings, pushed her legs up, and slid his tongue down to her asshole. As he massaged her entrance with the tip of his tongue, she grabbed two fistfuls of his hair and pulled. “Jacob. Fuck. That feels…so good, baby.” 

He tongued her tight hole for a little longer before dragging it back up to her clit. She held his head steady while he licked, then shoved her hips up into his face while she came all over his tongue. “Jacob…Jacob,” she repeated, tears streaming down her cheeks as she pulsed through the remainder of the most intense orgasm she’d ever had. 

As soon as she released her death grip on his hair, he grabbed the condom from his pocket and shoved his pants down. Rising to his knees, he tore the condom open and rolled it down his length. Her legs still resting atop his shoulders, he didn’t say a word. Unable to stand another minute of wondering what it felt like strangling his cock, he lined himself up and pushed himself inside her tight, wet pussy. 

The sex with her was raw. 

It was primal.

It was chaotic, the way he pounded into her and the way her hips shoved back against his to meet every thrust, like they’d done this a thousand times before. Their hooded eyes were locked, both fighting like hell to stifle their moans as they knew someone could come by and catch them at any moment. 

He’d never felt like this before with any of the other girls he’d fucked. Sure, he was really good in bed and they’d been into it, but it’d never been like this. Audrey wanted him, wanted all of him, as deep inside of her as he could get. She pulled his face down to hers and moaned into his ear. “Fuck me harder, Jacob. Deeper. Please, I need you so deep, baby.” 

And that was all it took to send him tumbling over the edge. With a final thrust, he exploded inside of her, coming so hard she could feel it through the condom. “That’s it, College Boy,” she moaned, pressing her hips against his. “Cum nice and hard for me.” 

“Fuck,” he panted, finishing up and holding the condom carefully in place as he pulled out of her. “Holy shit.” As he tied off the condom, he watched as she pulled her pants up quickly, turning away from him and trying to cover her body. 

She picked his hoodie up from the rock and tossed it to him. “Sorry. It’s a little…wet.”  

“Yeah, I guess so. You were practically leaking for me,” he said, pulling it over his head as he noticed her staring at him. “What? You were.” 

Tears filled her eyes, then a second later, she burst out laughing. “I don’t…I’m sorry. I don’t know. I’m just…shaking, still. JT, that was incredible. It’s just…I mean, do you realize that we just did all that, but haven’t even kissed?” 

“Well,” he said, moving closer to her, then grabbing the sides of her face. “Let’s change that then.” 

He leaned in slowly, their lips meeting, followed quickly by their tongues. She couldn’t get enough of tasting herself on his full, pouty lips. Her hands wandered to his hips, squeezing lightly as their tongues played together, the kiss ending with her biting his bottom lip lightly and pulling it between her teeth. 

“There,” he said, backing away from her. “Now we’ve kissed and I’ve eaten your asshole on a giant rock in the middle of the forest.” 

“Wow. That’s…so romantic.”

“What can I say? I’m a romantic guy,” he teased, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Anyway, we should get back.” 

“Yeah. Also, um, JT?” 

“Yeah?”

“We probably shouldn’t do that again.”

“You’re probably right,” he agreed blankly. 

“Good, so we’re in agreement. And we definitely shouldn’t do it again…tomorrow night?”

“Definitely not, around 7:00, your apartment, after I get back from practice and shower?” 

“Or, at 7:45, after my therapy? Yeah,” she said with a smirk, “definitely not.” 

“Good,” he said, pushing past her, playfully bumping her shoulder, stealing her walking stick, and quickening his pace. “Glad we’re on the same page. Now, you’re not beating me down this goddamn mountain.” 

Audrey smiled, grabbing her phone as she walked behind JT and sent a quick text to Jess. 

A: (tongue emoji) (peach emoji) (wet emoji)

A: This is my apology.

So, Maybe It’s Not a Guy in My Physics Class (11)

“Shhhh,” JT whispered loudly, as he and Ryker stumbled their drunk asses back into Bigler Hall and rounded the corner, approaching the front desk monitor. “We have to appear sober.” 

“This is gonna be a problem,” Ryker laughed, squaring his shoulders, shaking his head a few times, and clapping. “Alright. We got this.” 

They walked as ridiculously as humanly possible past the monitor, who didn’t even look up from her phone, then cracked up laughing as they made their way to the stairs and up to their room. 

Once inside, Ryker went right to the fridge for a bottle of water, guzzling it down as JT reached for a bag of chips and began stuffing them into his face, realizing that he’d never eaten dinner and that’s probably why he’d been so hammered. Though, he was beginning to sober up.  

The night had been somewhat of a success. About seven guys from the team, plus Ryker and JT, showed up at the frat and quickly located Paul. 

“If you don’t want your ass kicked, you’ll tell me where Nix is right now,” D’Angelo had warned, the other eight guys standing by with crossed arms and scowls. 

Paul quickly led them upstairs to a bedroom and D’Angelo opened it without knocking to find Nix ripping a line of coke off some drunk girl’s ass. “The fuck, man! Don’t you knock…” He immediately stopped talking when he saw the gaggle of huge men enter the room, then told the girl to leave and that he’d meet up with her later. 

“Ugh, whatever,” she’d muttered, stumbling past the hockey team in her underwear and winking at them on her way out the door.

“What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?” he’d asked innocently, wiping his nose and spotting JT standing there. “Oh, hey there, Redshirt. You back for round two?”  

“Take the video down, fucker,” D’Angelo ordered, approaching him. 

“I, uh, don’t know what video you’re talking about.” 

“Yes, you do. And it needs to come down.” 

“Mmm, yeah. No can do. See, it’s already made, like, over two G’s, bruh. I mean, I wish I could, but turns out it’s a real hit. My follower count has doubled thanks to Redshirt’s pretty little mouth there…”

“That’s it,” Ryker had grumbled, pushing past everyone else toward Nix, gripping him by the throat, and pulling him to his feet. “Here’s what’s gonna happen, you filthy little shitbag. You’re gonna take the video down, you’re gonna give JT every motherfucking cent you earned from it, and in return, we won’t go to the cops to report you for cyber sexual harassment. Are we clear?” 

Everyone had watched in complete shock, as this was way out of character for Ryker McCreery. Between this and the fight he’d gotten into earlier in the day, it was starting to become clear that the quiet, level-headed astrophysics nerd was maybe not one to be fucked with. 

Especially when it came to JT DiMara. 

“I said, are we clear?” Ryker had yelled in his face, tightening his grip on his throat, before he’d began nodding rapidly and tapping Ryker’s arm, causing him to let go. “Good. Get your phone right now. I wanna see the video come down, I wanna see it deleted off your phone, and I wanna see the Venmo transaction to JT. Now, or I’ll fucking murder you where you stand.” 

“Yo, Nerd,” JT said, his mouth full and spraying chip dust all over himself as Ryker flopped onto the floor in front of his bed and sprawled out. “Shit.” JT wiped the chip crumbs from his shirt, then continued. “Thanks for that tonight. You’re kinda scary when you wanna be.” 

“That dude’s a fucking toolshed,” Ryker mumbled, eyes closed and reaching his arms up over his head. “And you didn’t deserve that, Banner. No one does.” 

“Well, I really appreciate you having my back like that.” 

“Anytime.”

It stayed quiet in the room for a bit, both of them having eventually climbed into their own beds for the evening, until Ryker’s voice filled the dark room. “Banner? Can I ask you a question?” 

“You just did.”

“Seriously.”

“Yeah, man. Shoot.”

“How’d you know you were into guys?”

JT laughed at the irony, rolling onto his back and adjusting the aching hard-on he’d had all night since watching Ryker so viciously come to his defense. “Wow. Don’t even wanna know, like, my favorite color or something first?” 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Just forget it.” 

“Nah, it’s cool. I always kinda felt myself attracted to them, guys on my team, guys at school, whatever. And like, I grew up around Ty and Ryan, so I always knew it was an option, one that I didn’t have to be scared of or ashamed of, you know? I mostly dated girls, but when I was 14, I hooked up with a few older guys on my team at a party. Let’s just say they, uh, showed me the ropes, and the rest is history.” 

“Do you, um, only hook up with guys?” 

“Nah. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know my way around a dick…clearly. But, I like both. So actually, I fucked Audrey earlier today, in the woods. We went for a hike and…dude, it was so hot.” 

“No shit? Well, that was only a matter of time. You sweat that woman hard.” 

“Yeah, I don’t know. I really like her. I know she’s way too old for me, but like, we get each other.” 

“You guys really do,” Ryker agreed, his voice laced with a curious sadness. 

“Is, um, there a specific reason you’re asking me about all this, Nerd?” JT prodded. “Besides the fact that you’re nosy as fuck.”  

Ryker sighed loudly. “So, there’s this guy that I’m kind of attracted to…”

Oh, my God.

“...in my physics class…” 

“Physics class.” OK.

“...but I’ve never really been attracted to a guy like this before, so I just…figured I’d ask.” 

“So, um, does this guy in your physics class seem like he might be into you, too?” 

“I can’t really tell. I mean, I know that he’s definitely into guys, but I can’t tell if he’s into me. So, I was wondering how to, like, go about finding that information out.” 

“I mean, just ask him. Like, the worst he can say is no, right? Then you just die of embarrassment and transfer to some other school with your goofy ass nerd major. No big deal,” JT teased. “Seriously, though. I would just ask, especially if you know he’s into guys. No guy who’s into guys is gonna turn you down.” 

Shit.

Too much?

JT continued. “Maybe…you might be surprised, you know?”  

“OK, um, yeah. Thanks,” Ryker said quietly. JT patiently waited for him to fall asleep so he could jerk off, promising himself he’d try to be quieter this time. 

It must’ve been about 10 minutes or so, and thinking he was safe, JT reached a hand into his briefs with the intention of freeing his throbbing cock. 

What he wasn’t banking on was his hot as fuck, drunk roommate pulling back his covers and sliding into the small twin bed next to him wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. 

“Um, Nerd?” JT asked cautiously, as Ryker’s hand slid across his stomach, grazing the tip of his hard dick, which was slick with precum and peeking out the top of his briefs. “You lost?” 

Ryker pressed his palm against JT’s skin and ran his hand slowly up his body and across his chest, ultimately stopping at his neck. Propped up on his other elbow, he leaned into JT until their foreheads touched. “Nope. Not lost.”

JT reached both hands around the back of Ryker’s head, tilting it so their lips met. “So, uh, what about physics class guy? Won’t he get jealous?”

Ryker smiled, JT able to feel it since their lips were pressed loosely together. “So, maybe it’s not a guy in my physics class.” 

“No?” JT asked, running his fingers through his roommate’s hair. “So, who might it be then?” 

“It might be…my teammate. See, he’s gorgeous,” Ryker whispered, then exhaled loudly as JT deftly flipped him onto his back and positioned himself on top of him. “And despite me trying really hard to fight it, I can’t stop thinking about him.” 

“Is that right?” JT panted, as he ran a hand through Ryker’s hair and rocked his hips slowly against his teammate’s hard dick. “For how long?” 

“Since the minute I saw him.” Ryker whimpered as JT reached a hand in between them and palmed his cock through the fabric. “Fuck, JT.” 

“You like that?” JT asked, rubbing his hand up and down his roommate’s hard-on and becoming increasingly excited by his above-average size. “You wanna do this with me?” 

“Yes. Fuck yes.”

“You know,” JT began, moving his free hand to the waistband of Ryker’s boxers and beginning to pull them down. “I can take care of this for you. I mean, if you want me to, that is.” 

“I want you to,” Ryker replied immediately. His cock sprang back and slapped his stomach as JT freed it, then shoved his boxers down, where they came to a stop at his gigantic, muscular thighs. “Fuck, do I want you to.” 

JT returned his hand to his roommate’s cock, moaning as he moved his way up to the tip and realized what he was working with. “Shit, Nerd. And you’re uncut? Good news for you. I’m a complete slut for it.” 

Ryker let out a series of whimpers and gibberish as he lifted his hips and forcefully removed his own boxers all the way while JT ran a thumb around his foreskin, moving it aside and teasing his sensitive head. Finally, he was able to string together a coherent sentence. “I want you to fuck me, JT.” 

“Wow, Nerd. Stompin’ that gas pedal, are we?” JT teased, sitting up and leaning back so he could remove his briefs. “We’ll get there, but not tonight, OK?”

Ryker’s hands reached up and clawed at JT’s body in the dark, attempting to pull him back down on top of him. “Please. I want you so bad. Please,” he begged, his other senses heightened in the pitch darkness of their tiny dorm room. 

“Hey, so, I have to ask,” JT said, gripping Ryker’s hands. “You had a few tonight. Are you sure you’re, like, OK with all this?” 

He nodded. “Absolutely. I’m sobering up now, anyway.” He pulled his hands away from JT’s and began groping for him again. “Please…”

“I do love hearing you beg for me, baby,” JT moaned. He slid both hands under Ryker’s armpits and pulled him forward, putting him in JT’s lap, both their knees bent and their chests pressed together. “I’ve been beating my fucking cock to you since day one, you know that? I’m gonna make you feel so goddamn good, baby,” JT breathed against his roommate’s lips, which smelled like alcohol, then pulled away just as they started to kiss.

Rounding his back, he reached both hands between them, grabbing his own dick with one and Ryker’s with the other. He moved Ryker’s foreskin back, then lined them up tip to tip before pulling the skin forward over his own dick. 

“Fuck, JT,” Ryker moaned as JT swirled his precum-slick head around Ryker’s a few times before using one hand to jerk them off and wrapping the other around the back of his roommate’s neck. He pulled him forward so their lips crashed together, their tongues meeting and moving against each other while Ryker whimpered into his mouth. “What…are you doing to me?” 

“Getting you off,” JT told him between kisses, quickening his pace and doing his best to stifle his own orgasm, desperate to get his dick into Ryker’s mouth. “You gonna cum for me, Nerd? You gonna cum all over my cock?” 

“JT, shit,” Ryker whispered as he released his load onto his teammate’s cockhead, most of it spilling out onto JT’s hand and dripping onto the bed. “Mmm, such a good boy, coming so hard for me. There’s so much. Let it go, baby. That’s it.” When JT felt Ryker’s dick stop pulsing, he released his grip and wiped his hand on his sheets. 

“Did you cum, too?” Ryker asked, leaning in for a kiss. 

JT allowed their tongues to meet briefly, teasing him, before pulling back. “No. But that’s OK because you’re gonna get on the floor,” JT instructed, moving toward the edge of the bed, “and I’m gonna teach you how to suck my dick. But first, turn the light on because I wanna watch you. Also, put your glasses back on for me.” 

Ryker got up and flipped the switch closest to them, both of them squinting as their eyes adjusted to the light. He grabbed his glasses, then got onto his knees, running his hands up JT’s open thighs and stopping just shy of his dick. “I don’t wanna fuck this up. Will you tell me exactly what to do? I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be nervous. It’s just you and me, OK? You’re gonna do so good, baby,” JT crooned, running his hands through Ryker’s hair and tugging it gently. “Wrap one hand around the base and cup my balls with the other. Yeah, just like that. Now, don’t go right for it. I want you to tease me a little with your tongue.” JT moaned as Ryker began licking all around his tip like it was an ice cream cone. “Fuck yes, Nerd. Just like that. Now squeeze my balls a little, roll them around…yes, baby.” 

Ryker looked up at his roommate, his tongue still swirling around JT’s cockhead, and waited for instructions on what to do next. “Holy shit, you’re hot. Now, open that big mouth of yours and suck whatever you can. Get a feel for it, what’s comfortable. Just watch the teeth. Don’t force it…fuck, Nerd. You sure you’ve never done this before?” 

JT watched, his mouth hanging open, as his entire cock disappeared into Ryker’s mouth. He gagged a little, but readjusted, then got into a steady rhythm, sucking cautiously as he glanced back up at his teammate. 

“Spit on your hand, then jerk the base a little while you suck. Yeah, just like that…twist it…fuck, Nerd. Just like that.” JT began bucking his hips into his roommate’s mouth, one hand steadying him against the bed and the other gripping Ryker’s hair. “You’re doing so good. I’m gonna cum for you. You wanna swallow it?” 

Ryker nodded aggressively, removing his hand from JT’s balls and lowering it to his own cock, which had geared up for overtime at some point. 

“Look at you, getting hard again from giving me head, huh? You’re fucking amazing, baby. Keep going, just like that. Oh, shit.” JT threw his head back with the first pulse, then quickly refocused his attention on his roommate, who kept his eyes fixed on him as he swallowed him down. 

After milking every last drop from JT, Ryker stood up and knelt next to him on the bed. JT immediately dropped down onto an elbow and opened his mouth, Ryker shoving his hips forward into it. Ryker ran his fingers through JT’s hair as the d-man took him all the way inside, and within about six bobs of JT’s head, Ryker was emptying his second load down JT’s throat. ‘Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I’ve never…cum this much before.”  

JT waited until Ryker was finished and pulled away while Ryker removed his glasses, fell forward onto JT’s bed, and groaned with his face in the mattress. “Feel better, Nerd?” JT asked, running his fingertips along Ryker’s back and watching him shudder before settling into it and nodding. “Your tongue is amazing. You did so good, baby.” 

JT leaned down so he was lying next to Ryker, who rolled over so they were face to face, and dragged his fingers across his bicep. “Mmm,” Ryker purred, closing his eyes. 

They lay there for a few minutes like that, when JT took notice of the huge wet spot in the middle of his sheets. “Hey Nerd, you mind if I join you in your bed tonight? My sheets are kinda fucked. Your load…wow. That was a lot.” 

Ryker nodded, and they both got up, put their underwear back on, and moved across the room to Ryker’s bed. He climbed in first, then turned his back to JT and faced the wall. 

OK, I guess that was that, JT thought sadly, sliding in next to him and lying on his back, doing his absolute best not to touch his roommate since he didn’t know where his headspace was at the moment. This, however, was not an easy task, as the twin bed wasn’t designed to hold two six-foot-plus men comfortably. 

JT moved his arms around at his sides in frustration, then lifted them above his head, then finally tried crossing them on his abdomen before sighing loudly. He wanted to roll onto his side and hold his roommate so badly, unable to deny any longer the intense feelings he had for him. Watching the way he’d fought for him earlier, both in the locker room and at the frat house, had made him realize that he wanted something more with Ryker. Sure, playtime was fun, but he was falling for the kid. 

And hard.

That realization was chased by a wave of panic as he remembered that he was also falling for Audrey as well. 

Was that possible?
Could he, the kid who was incapable of love, love two people at once? 

How would that work? 

Like it matters.

You don’t deserve to be loved by one person, let alone two. 

And even if you love them, you really think either one of them wants to waste their time with you? 

You’ll just end up hurting them anyway, like you always do. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push the negative self-talk from his brain, when he heard Ryker’s voice. “You OK, Banner? You’re breathing really heavy.” 

Shit.

“Yeah. I’m…fine,” JT mumbled. “This…bed is just…too small…” 

Ryker reached a hand behind him and fumbled around until it found one of JT’s. The two simultaneously interlaced their fingers and Ryker tugged JT’s hand. “Come over here then. It’s easier if you lay on your side. More room.” 

“Really?” JT asked cautiously, his heartbeat pounding in his ears. “I just…wasn’t sure. You rolled away, and I didn’t know if, like, you wanted me to, or…” 

“I’ve never asked another dude to cuddle before, Banner. Give me a fuckin’ break here, OK?” 

Cuddle.

Awww.

JT rolled onto his side, facing Ryker’s back, as Ryker pulled his arm around to the front of his chest and held it there tightly. JT swung his leg on top of his teammate’s, pressing his hips firmly against his ass. 

Both of them exhaled before Ryker’s voice cut through the silence. “Thank you. For tonight. I’ve…I mean, I’ve been struggling with these feelings for a really long time now, and I’m just…I’m glad it was with you and not someone else I didn’t even give a shit about, you know?” 

“Awww, you give a shit about me, Nerd?” he teased, smiling, as he kissed the back of Ryker’s neck. 

“Yeah, just a little bit. But I’m nervous, too, you know?” 

“Nervous about what? You give amazing head.” 

“Not about that. I really liked doing it, by the way. I just…we’re teammates, you know?”   

“And?”

Ryker sighed. “I don’t know. Forget it.” 

“No, you can tell me,” JT said softly, tightening his grip on Ryker’s hand. 

“I just…didn’t expect to fall in love with one of my teammates. That’s all. And I wonder how the other guys…” 

Ryker kept on talking. 

Hell, he could have gone on to recite the entire Declaration of fucking Independence from beginning to end for all JT knew, because he didn’t hear a word after “fall in love with one of my teammates.”  

In love?

Love?

“You’ll know, baby. You’ll just know.” 

I Can’t Even Concentrate Anymore (12)

“Jacob.”

Audrey raised her voice snapping him back to reality after noticing he’d zoned out. She slid herself behind him, reaching a hand around his naked chest and pulling him close to her as they lay together in her bed after their most recent tutoring session. 

“Tutoring,” which was apparently the new code word for “sex.”  

She trailed her fingertips along his pecs and down his abs, taking note of the definition that he’d gained over the past two weeks since they’d first hooked up. He’d been hitting dryland extra hard to try to shake off some of the stress, and he’d acquired a lot of muscle because of it. “Where’d you go, stud?” 

“Sorry,” he said quietly, grabbing onto her hand. “I, uh, got lost in my thoughts for a minute. It’s been easy to do lately.” 

And damn if that wasn’t the truth. 

They’d been hooking up almost every single time they saw each other, but there’d been no discussion of “What are we?” This would have been all fine and good if he hadn’t had the exact same scenario going on with Ryker McCreery. Both Audrey and Ryker knew about each other, but neither of them said a word. 

And if neither of them said a word, then JT sure as shit wasn’t going to, either. 

All he knew for certain was that he had officially fallen for both of them, without the first clue what to do about it. 

“Well, we should probably get some actual tutoring done. I’m starting to feel like a hooker,” she teased, moving away from his back and sitting up. She reached for her bra and underwear, put them on, and got out of her bed as he rolled over onto his back. He stole a glimpse of her, then quickly pulled the blanket up over his head. “Sorry,” he said, muffled from under it. 

“No, it’s…fine,” she hesitated, moving a hand to the blanket and pulling it down. His eyes immediately defaulted to her curvy body, lingering on her thick hips and thighs, then moved up to meet hers. “I’m…so my therapist said one of the things I need to try is letting myself be more comfortable around those I trust. And, since I obviously trust you,” she said, circling her hands up and down her sides to display herself to him, “here goes. I mean, I’ve been eating a little more, and I’m back up to a size 16 from a size 14, but I’ve started working out a little, so it’s almost like I…” 

“Aud?” he interrupted her nervous rambling. 

“Yeah?”

He put a finger up to his lips, shushing her, before crawling across the bed on his hands and knees to where she was standing. When he reached her, he rose to his knees, slid both hands behind her head, and planted a gentle kiss against her lips. “Your body is perfect because it’s yours. I could give a shit if you’re a size 6 or a size 30. I don’t even know what the fuck any of that means anyway. All I do know is that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” 

She smiled against his lips, tears forming in her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered, giving him a quick kiss before pulling away to retrieve her clothing. 

“I mean, you don’t have to get dressed,” he teased, getting off the bed and pulling on his joggers and sweatshirt. “I might be more motivated if you stay half-naked, honestly.” 

“Yeah, OK. You have enough problems staying focused as it is. Now, let’s go. Come on, into the kitchen so we can get this done. What time is your practice tonight?” 

“Umm, lemme see.” He grabbed his phone and checked the alarm labeled “Thursday practice.” Noticing there was a message and a selfie from Ryker, he opened the text chain, stared at his pic, and read his message. 

R: Miss you.

JT smiled, his heart skipping a beat as he shoved his phone back into his pocket, followed Audrey into the kitchen, and had a seat at the counter. Noticing she was staring at him, he asked, “What?” 

“Seriously? JT, what time is your practice tonight?” 

“Oh, shit. Right. Um, it’s at 5.” 

“Good, we’ve got some time. Because there’s something I wanna…I wanna try something with you, OK?” 

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Oh yeah? What, uh, did you have in mind?” 

“Calm down, stud. Listen,” she began, sitting down next to him and opening her laptop. “I’m glad the audiobook of Gatsby was helpful, but you bombed the literary analysis writing piece for chapters 6-10. JT, you only wrote four sentences.” 

“Yeah, well, we only had, like, 25 minutes and I…I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I mean, I knew what I wanted to say, but it wouldn’t…I couldn’t get it onto the screen.” 

“OK, but you also got a D on your last rhet paper, which we worked on forever.” 

He sighed. “I tried. I couldn’t get it to make sense.” He pointed to his head. “It made sense in here, but then?” He tapped his head a few times. “I can’t get it out.” 

“Your averages are slipping in both of your classes. You were doing well and you’ve done well when I was able to help you complete the work. But now that there’s more of the actual writing being done in class? You’re…JT, you’re really slipping.” 

“I know. I’ve been…preoccupied.” 

“I’m worried about you. You have to pass these classes. And with your averages right now, it’s not looking too promising. So, listen. You obviously have ADHD. I figured that out the day I met you. But, I’ve been thinking about your performance the past few weeks, doing some research, and I think…JT, I think you also might be dyslexic. You struggle to read aloud, you struggle with spelling, you mix up words, you struggle to organize your thoughts into writing…” 

He pushed his stool back and stood up abruptly. “So, I’m stupid. Like I fucking told you from the get-go.” 

“JT, no. That’s not what I said.” She stood up next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You are not stupid. Dyslexia is one of the most common language-based learning disabilities, and a lot of times it goes right along with ADHD. It didn’t even cross my mind initially because of your echoic memory…”

“My what?” he interrupted. 

“You have an exceptional echoic memory. You hear something and you retain it. Sounds are how your brain makes sense of the world. A lot of times, dyslexia is accompanied by auditory processing issues, but you’re a bit of an enigma in the sense that you process almost everything auditorily long term. Listen, I have a couple quick screeners I wanna give you…”

“Nope. Fuck that,” he said, pulling away from her. “I don’t need any more proof of how dumb I am, OK?” 

“JT, stop it. Learning looks a little different for you, but you’re not dumb…” 

Don’t do it.

Just shut up.

Don’t do it.

“Maybe if you spent more time actually tutoring me and less time on my cock, I wouldn’t have this problem.” 

Fuuuck.

“Hey, you know I didn’t mean…” he began, but she was already pointing at the door. 

“Get out.”

“Audrey…”

“No. You can be angry, JT, but you don’t get to say hurtful things like that to me. Out, now.” 

He moved toward her, but she backed away, then moved over to the door and opened it. “Please, I didn’t mean…” 

“Leave.”

JT rolled his eyes, gathering his belongings and shoving them into his backpack before heading to the door. He turned to face her while inside the doorframe. “Audrey, I’m sorry.” 

“I’ll email you the screeners. Finish them ASAP, screenshot the results, and send them to me so we can figure out the next steps. I’m gonna set up some time to talk with your professors, see what we can do. Oh, and don’t worry, College Boy. I won’t be spending any more time on your cock from here on out, OK?” 

She slammed the door behind him, leaving him standing out in the hallway, head hung in shame. 

Breathe.

4-7…

4…

“You fucking asshole!” he yelled, raking his hands through his hair and pulling, trying his best to keep his composure, but it was too late. Before he even knew what was happening, he’d smashed his fist through the hallway wall with a loud thud. 

He backed his hand out of the drywall, bits of it falling onto the floor beneath him, and shook it a few times, almost certain he’d bruised a knuckle or two seeing as this wasn’t his first rodeo. 

OK, you did that. 

Now fucking breathe, DiMara. 

4-7-8

4-7-8

When he felt himself calm down a bit, he took the stairs and made his way down to the building’s lobby, following the signs until he found the office. 

“Can I help you?” the woman behind the desk asked him as he entered. 

“Yeah, um. So, I just…on the fourth floor, there’s…do you have a pen and paper?” he asked nervously, fidgeting with his hands. She reached for a notepad and a pen, sliding it across the counter to him. “So, I punched a hole through the wall. It was…I’m sorry,” he said, jotting down his name, address, and number, “and I’m going to leave you my information so you can bill me for whatever it costs to fix.” He slid it back to her. 

“OK?” she replied, confused.

“Thanks. Seriously, whatever it costs, I’ll take care of it. This is all legit info, I swear. You can confirm with Audrey Winston in 422. She had absolutely nothing to do with this, but she’ll confirm that I’m legit. I’m…sorry.” And with that, he turned and hurried out the front of the building. Once outside, he took his phone out and texted Dr. Namour. 

J: Can you see me today? I know I don’t have an appointment, but I kinda need help. 

JT kept his phone in his hand as he began walking in the direction of his dorm, and after about five minutes or so, his phone buzzed. 

D: Are you or is someone else in immediate danger right now, JT? 

J: Nah, nothing like that. 

D: Good. Then can you come by in about a half hour? 

J: Absolutely. Thank you. 

✽✽✽

JT dropped his bag onto the floor next to the couch in Dr. Namour’s office as he had a seat, then lay back, put his feet up, and reached his arms above his head. “Thanks for seeing me. It’s…I’m kinda falling apart, Doc.” 

Dr. Namour settled into his chair, his clipboard and a pen in his lap. “Are you high right now, JT?” 

JT nodded. “I took a few hits off my pen on the walk over here.” 

“I see,” Dr. Namour said, scribbling something onto the paper. “Do you remember what we talked about the last time we met, about trying to cut back on using marijuana as a coping mechanism?” 

“I do.”

“And how’s that been working out for you?” 

“Clearly not that great, considering I’m fucking baked right now, Doc!” he snapped. JT closed his eyes, sighed, then opened them again. “I’m sorry. I’ve made an effort to cut back. I really have. Today was just…not good.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

JT began with his struggles regarding his feelings for both Audrey and Ryker. The last time they’d spoken, he told Dr. Namour about the fact that he’d begun a sexual relationship with both of them, but the feelings that followed had all but consumed him since. He also explained the events from Audrey’s apartment today, ending with the hole in the hallway wall. 

“Doc, I don’t know what to do. I can’t even concentrate anymore. I feel like I’m drowning in these feelings for both of them, you know? Like, it’s…did you know that about 80 percent of early human societies were polygamous, according to a lot of evolutionists? I know it’s not unheard of, but like, I feel…I don’t know what I feel.” 

Dr. Namour stayed quiet as JT stopped talking, making sure he didn’t have anything else to add before he chimed in. “So, first things first. I’m pleased to see that you’re utilizing the 4-7-8 breathing. I’d also like to commend you, JT. You just snapped at me, but you quickly apologized. Also, at Audrey’s apartment building, you let your anger get control of you, but you made it a point to address it immediately and offer to rectify the situation. I don’t know if the JT I met almost two months ago would have done the same, and I believe it’s important to point out that I recognize the growth you’re making.” 

“Yeah, well,” he said, shifting so that he could sit up, “growth would be not snapping on you or punching the wall in the first place.” 

“You’re wrong,” Dr. Namour told him bluntly. “You’re going to mess up, make mistakes. You’re a human being, JT, a human being who’s carrying around some pretty serious emotional baggage. Growth is admitting when you’ve made a mistake and taking steps to fix it rather than running from it. And that’s what you did. You’re growing, JT. Embrace it.” 

Tears welled up in his eyes as he fought like hell to contain them, then nodded slowly. “OK.” 

“As for these feelings you have for Audrey and Ryker: have you spoken to either of them about it?” 

JT shook his head. “It’s this giant, like, elephant in the room. He knows about her, she knows about him, but neither of them say anything about the other one. It’s not like I’m doing either of them dirty. But no, neither of them has said a word.” 

“That’s not what I asked you, JT. I asked if you had spoken to either of them about it. Have you communicated your desire to engage in a meaningful relationship with both of them simultaneously?” 

“I…have not.”

“And why is that?” 

“Because I’m scared.”

“What is it that you’re scared of?” 

It was at that moment that JT lost his battle against those tears he’d been fighting. “Losing them.” 

“Why would you lose them? They both know about each other, they’ve met and you said they get along. I know you’re young, but don’t you think it’s a possibility that they might be open to at least listening to how you’re feeling?” 

“What if one of them gets scared? Or what if they decide they don’t wanna share? Then what?”

“Let me ask you something, JT. Is what you’re doing now with both of them working for you?” 

He shook his head slowly. “No.” 

“Correct. You have to address this with them or it’s going to continue to eat you alive. Listen,” Dr. Namour said, getting up from his chair and heading over to his desk. “I have another client coming in soon, but here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to email you some resources on polyamory, the different types, along with how to talk to your potential partners about it. 

“There’s a lot that goes into it, JT. You have to be able to communicate your needs, set healthy boundaries and expectations, limits for not only the sexual piece of it but the emotional piece as well to ensure that no one, including you, gets hurt. I’d like you to promise me that before our next meeting, you will check out the resources and that you will talk to both Audrey and Ryker about your feelings. Can you agree to do that?” 

Just as Dr. Namour finished answering that question, the “Thursday practice” alarm began going off in JT’s phone, which meant he had to be at Pegula in 15 minutes.” 

“Are the alarms helping you keep your schedule straight?” Dr. Namour asked, as JT got up and picked up his bag. 

“Yeah, definitely. And yeah, I’ll, uh, talk to them about this.” 

“Good. We will plan for two weeks, but as always, if you need me sooner, I’m here.” 

“Got it. Thanks, Doc.” 

With that, JT slung his backpack over his shoulder. He looked down at his hand, which had swollen to almost double the size of his other one, and began the walk to Pegula, knowing damn well he’d be going to get an x-ray instead of practicing with the team.

This Isn’t Some Weird Porn Thing, I Swear (13) 

Fuck, JT thought as he entered the arena and was immediately met with a few members of the social media team holding a stupid sign with an even stupider question on it and shoving a phone in his face to catch his reaction. 

The sign read, "What do you put on your hot dog?” to which JT smirked, stared dead into the camera, and replied, “I, uh, just put some mayo all over one the other night. One of those real thick, all-beef suckers, you know?” before winking and heading toward the locker room. 

“Mayo? Eww,” he heard one of the girls say to the other one as he walked away. 

“Redshirt!” D’Angelo yelled, before he finished strapping on his chest pads and made his way toward JT. “So, listen, I want you to lead some puck movement drills with the D today. We’re gonna need it this weekend against LIU. Been studying the videos all morning and their forechecking is top tier. Can you do that for me?” he asked, his fist extended for a bump. JT bumped him, then winced, having momentarily forgotten about the pain. “Uh oh, Red. What’s wrong?” 

“It’s…nothing. I, uh, I just…”

“What happened?” Ryker asked, immediately appearing alongside JT from out of nowhere. “Here, lemme see.” 

JT offered his hand to his roommate, struggling to extend his fingers as both Ryker and D’Angelo examined it. “It’s…fine.” 

“Doesn’t look fine. C’mon, you need to let Trevino take a look at this.” D’Angelo reached a hand to his arm, but Ryker interrupted. 

“I’ll take him. Go out with the rest of the team. I’ll be out in a few.” 

“Alright, see you out there, then,” he said, turning and heading back over to his stall to finish dressing for practice. 

Ryker waited until the captain was out of earshot. “What happened, baby?” he asked quietly, holding JT’s swollen hand on one of his and running his fingertips lightly across the top of it with the other. 

Baby.

The absolute butterflies that one word instantly caused JT to feel every. Single. Time. 

“Audrey and I…I was a dick, she threw me out, and I lost my temper.” 

Ryker nodded slowly. “Is she OK?” 

JT rolled his eyes and pulled his hand away. “I wouldn’t hurt her, Nerd. Ever.” 

“I know that. I’m just asking if she’s OK, or if, like, she’s upset.” 

“Don’t know. I haven’t talked to her.” 

“Are you OK?”

JT shrugged. “I went and saw Dr. Namour right after, talked through some shit with him. I guess I’ll be alright.” 

“Good,” Ryker said, as he put a hand on JT’s upper back. “Come on, let’s let Trevino take a look. Hopefully you just bruised it.” 

The two made their way to the athletic training room, with Ryker’s hand remaining on JT’s back for most of the walk. He removed it as they approached the door. Before entering, JT turned toward his teammate. “Hey, um, can we talk later?” 

Ryker scanned all directions before leaning in and planting a kiss on JT’s lips, letting his own linger there briefly before pulling away. “Don’t we always?” 

JT smiled. “Yeah, and it usually ends with my dick in your mouth.” 

“So, what’s wrong with that?” 

His smile fading, JT placed a hand on Ryker’s shoulder and dragged it down the front of his body, tugged his jersey lightly at his stomach, then pulled it away. “Listen, there’s…something I think we need to talk about, OK?” 

Ryker’s expression became serious. “Is everything…I mean, are we good, Banner?” 

“It’s nothing like that, alright?” JT assured him. “There’s just something I kinda wanted to…fuck, I’m not good at this shit,” JT huffed, raking his good hand through his hair. 

“Hey,” Ryker said softly, running a hand across JT’s cheek. “Don’t get upset. We’ll talk later, about whatever you want. You know I’m here for you, baby…”

Both of them jumped, startled, as the door to the athletic training room opened suddenly and Kirk Trevino, the team athletic trainer, was standing right there. “Shit!” he exclaimed, holding his chest. “You guys scared me. What’s up?” 

JT held up his hand, pressed his lips together, and widened his eyes as Trevino grabbed his wrist and examined him, wincing as he touched the joints and moved his fingers back and forth slightly. 

“Fantastic, DiMara. Yeah, you’re gonna need to go get an x-ray. I don’t think it’s broken, most likely just bruised, but better to play it safe. I’m gonna send you over to MedExpress. What the hell happened?” 

“Lost a fight with a wall.” 

“Smart.”

JT nodded. “You know me.” 

“Alright, better head over there now, just in case it is broken, so they can splint it up or buddy tape it.” 

Trevino left the training room toward the locker room, JT and Ryker hanging back for a minute. “Wanna skip the team dinner tonight so we can talk?” Ryker asked, grabbing JT’s good hand. “The team leaves for New York tomorrow morning.” 

JT nodded.

“Cool. I should be outta here around 7:45 or so. I’ll just meet you back at the room. I’ll pick up something to eat, whatever you want.” 

JT nodded again.

“You sure we’re OK, Banner?” Ryker squeezed JT’s hand, with JT returning the gesture. “Did I do something wrong?” 

“No, you didn’t do anything. There’s just something I think we should talk about, that’s all. I’ve been avoiding it, but it’s…” 

“Does it have to do with you and Audrey?” he asked quietly, letting go of JT’s hand and looking down at the floor between them. 

“Sorta.” JT noticed tears starting to form in his roommate’s eyes. “Don’t…it’s not what you think, OK?” 

“I’m sorry I can’t…you know? I’m trying, but I’m…I’m not ready yet.”

“Ryker,” JT said sternly, taking him by surprise, as JT rarely used his real name. “Stop it. I don’t fucking care about any of that shit, OK? I know this is all new to you…”

“McCreery! Let’s fuckin’ go, kid!” Coach Emerick’s voice echoed down the hallway as Ryker wiped his eyes. “We don’t have all night here and your squad’s waiting.” 

“I gotta go. Good luck. I’ll see you in a little while.” 

With that, both of them made their way back toward the locker room. Ryker headed out onto the ice for practice, and JT grabbed his things from his stall and pulled up the Uber app since the urgent care was about an hour walk from Pegula. 

As he hit the button to book the ride, he got a notification on his home screen that Audrey had texted him, so he opened the text chain. 

A: I’m not saying I overreacted today with you, but it’s possible I overreacted today with you. 

JT smirked, then responded. 

J: You can just tell me you miss my cock. You don’t have to fake an apology. 

A: OMG, you’re an asshole. 

J: Maybe. You know you love me tho. 

Shit.

Too much.

He followed it up quickly with another message.

J: Anyway, it’s fine. 

A: Why aren’t you at practice? Have anything to do with the hole you punched outside my apartment? 

J: You’re both beautiful and smart. Don’t worry, I talked to your office. They’re billing me for the damage. 

A: Jacob, can I come over? I wanna see you. 

Instant butterflies.

But also: Ryker.

J: Raincheck? I kinda made plans to hang out with Nerd. 

A: Good, because I think the three of us should probably talk.

Shit.

J: I think you’re right. Come by around 8ish. On my way to get an x-ray now. 

A: OK. I’ll be there. 

JT sighed.

Welp, guess this is happening sooner than I thought. 

✽✽✽

“So.”

JT sat on the floor, leaning against the fridge. He looked up at Audrey, who was lying on her side in his bed, then at Ryker, who was lying on his back in his own bed.  

“So,” they both responded in unison.  

“I wanted to talk to both of you about…something,” he began nervously, fidgeting with his hoodie pocket and continuously switching his gaze between the two of them. 

“OK,” Audrey replied. “Go for it, then. Because honestly, this awkward silence for the last half hour has been maddening.” 

“Agreed,” Ryker added, repeatedly tossing a stress ball into the air and catching it. 

JT’s mind replayed the events from earlier: Ryker had returned to the room after practice, bumbling through the door as he juggled his backpack, the sushi he’d picked up for them, a package he’d gotten from the front desk, and a half-dozen blue and white roses. JT had gotten up to help him. “I, uh, wasn’t sure what to get you for smashed knuckles. But I figured maybe Penn State-themed flowers would be appropriate? Also, it’s the only thing they had at Sheetz.” 

JT smiled, taking them from Ryker and setting them down on his desk. “They’re perfect,” he’d told his roommate, leaning in and planting a quick kiss on his cheek. “Did you know that six roses is a subtle expression that you, like, wanna take a relationship to the next level?” 

“I…did not know that. But, I can’t say I’m surprised you do,” Ryker had teased, blushing, as he’d begun unpacking the contents of the bag on the other desk. “Anyway, I, um, wasn’t sure what you wanted, so I ordered you a little bit of everything, all your favorites. I figured if you…” 

JT had interrupted him by wrapping his arms around the back of his neck, Ryker abandoning the food to return the gesture, which ended with their noses touching. “Hey,” JT had whispered. “I love you.” 

Ryker had immediately frozen, and they’d both stood there like statues until the 18-year-old had murmured, “It’s…just fish.” 

JT had pulled away, sighed, and shaken his head. “I’m sorry if that’s weird. But I feel it. Hard. And I’m sorry.” 

Ryker had reached out and placed a hand on JT’s arm. “Don’t be. I have…no idea what I’m even doing anymore, OK? But I love you, too. JT, you’re the only fucking thing on my mind from the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep.” Ryker had moved his hand up to JT’s cheek, turning it slightly so their eyes met. “Do you maybe have that going on, too, with me?” 

Just as Ryker had finished that question, there was a knock at the door, which they’d both turned to look at. 

“That’s…kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.” 

“Right,” Ryker had said softly, reaching for the flowers and grabbing a nearby Gatorade sport bottle. “These probably need water.” 

Snapped back to the present by the sound of Audrey dramatically clearing her throat, JT sat up tall, clapped twice, and clasped his hands in front of his face. “OK, I don’t know, like, what the fuck I’m doing here, at all, so I’m just gonna go for it. I like both of you. A lot. Obviously, there’s a sexual piece, but, like, it transcribes…I mean…” JT thought for a second, then corrected himself. “Transcends that. Ryker, I’m in love with you. I just told you that and I meant it. You’re the first guy I’ve ever been able to see myself in a relationship with, and I guess that’s what we have. Even if you’re not ready to be out yet, it doesn’t matter to me. I’ll give you whatever space you need, and I’ll wait fucking forever if that’s what it takes.” 

He looked at Ryker, who’d stopped tossing the ball and was wiping his eyes. “I’m in love with you, too.” 

“But there’s also Aud. And Aud,” JT began, looking over at her and noticing she was also wiping her eyes. “You get me. You see me, in ways no one else ever has. My entire life, all the people who’ve been in and out of it, teachers, coaches, my dead parents, Ryan and Ty, and you’re the first person to figure out that I can barely fucking read. Seriously, people who spent years with me, who should’ve seen it, and it took you less than two months. You give a shit about me, the real me, and I feel like I can be that me in front of you, unapologetically.” 

“You absolutely can. So, what are you saying, JT?” she asked, sitting up. “What is it you want?” 

“Both of you,” he replied immediately, scanning between them. “I want both of you. It’s like my breathing, the 4-7-8 breathing that I do? Aud, you’re the 4. You get me calm, you get me to relax, force me to see myself as I really am. And Nerd, you’re the 8. You keep me grounded, keep me relaxed, assure me that the way I really am is enough. Don’t you see? The 7 doesn’t work without the 4 and the 8. At that point, without both of you, I’m just…holding my breath.” 

He stood up, needing to move around, and began pacing. “I know this is a lot to ask, and I completely understand if you’re not, like, down with it. But I can’t pretend that this isn’t how I feel anymore. I am falling the fuck apart because I love both of you so much I can’t even concentrate.” He stopped talking and looked at each of them, who were looking at each other. “What are you guys thinking right now?” 

Ryker closed his eyes, then sat up on his bed as well. “I’m not out yet, JT. You and Aud are literally the only two who know that I’m...” 

“I know that,” JT said, rushing over to him, getting onto his knees in front of him and grabbing Ryker’s hand with his good one. “And I’d never pressure you to come out. We can keep this on the down low for as long as we have to, you know that. I just…I can’t keep it on the down low from her, because I,” he turned in her direction, “love her, too.” 

“I’m too old for you, Jacob. We both know that.” 

“No, we don’t both know that,” he shot back, letting go of Ryker’s hand and moving over to grab hers. “We have a connection, Audrey. A real one. I know you feel it. There’s something there that, like, probably shouldn’t be there, but it is. And I don’t wanna ignore it anymore.” 

Audrey exhaled, shaking her head slightly. “Ryker, what do you think about all this?” 

He shrugged, his eyes meeting hers. “Do you love him?” 

“Yes.”

JT’s eyes bulged as a huge smile crept across his face. “Yeah?” He rose onto his knees, reached up to her shoulders, and pulled her down for a quick kiss. 

“Yeah, fine. I love you, College Boy. Alright?” she said, pushing him gently back down to the floor. “But, JT, I don’t think you fully understand what this means, what you’re asking.” 

“Of course I fucking don’t!” he shouted, throwing his hands up. “I’ve never loved anyone before, and I damn sure didn’t think I…” He paused, swallowing. “I damn sure didn’t think I was worthy of being loved. And somehow, I ended up being lucky enough to, like, have the two most beautiful people in the entire world decide that I am. That’s fucking huge.” 

“You’re young, JT,” she warned. “You’re only 20 years old...” 

“Twenty-one in two months,” he interrupted. 

“OK, and? Ryker, you’re…how old are you?” 

“I’m, uh, 18,” he responded quietly. “And a virgin. Also, I don’t know why I just said that last part out loud.” 

JT’s head whipped in Ryker’s direction, and he stared at him, wide-eyed, blinking a few times. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

“Um, we will definitely be revisiting that little info nugget later,” JT teased, his cock thickening at the mere thought of being Ryker McCreery’s first fuck. 

Holy shit.

Audrey waved her hands and shook her head. “OK, seriously? Enough. You guys are babies. What you need is to study, focus on playing hockey, getting your contracts, and all that other bullshit. What you don’t need is to get caught up in some crazy-ass, weird love triangle on top of it all…” 

“So, actually,” JT cut in, “it’s not a triangle at all. It’s more of, like, a V.” 

“A what?” she asked, annoyed. 

“I was…Dr. Namour gave me some resources to check out about poly relationships, and I had some time in the urgent care while waiting for my x-ray. So, I listened to some of the websites because I…retain information better when I hear it,” he pointed at her and winked. “This would be what’s called a vee poly relationship, like the letter V. Think of me,” he said, drawing a V in the air with his fingers, “as the middle point, and you guys would be, like, the arms. That is, assuming neither of you wanna date each other. Which, I’m not gonna lie…that’d be kinda fucking hot. But anyway.” He shrugged, then looked at each of them, who both sat there with their mouths agape. “What? What’d I do?” 

“I…no, JT. I don’t wanna date Ryker. No offense, Ryk.” 

“None taken,” he quickly replied, rubbing his hands across both of his cheeks. “Pretty positive I’m gay, anyway. So, I mean, there’s that.” 

“Listen, this isn’t some weird porn thing, I swear,” JT pleaded, standing up again. “I love you, both of you. We can talk about it, we can set boundaries, whatever you want. And it doesn’t have to happen right now. I just thought it was important to let you both know how I’m feeling because, like, the last thing I wanna do is hurt either one of you.” 

The room stayed silent for a few minutes, with Audrey finally getting up from the bed and grabbing her purse and hoodie. “I’m gonna run. My ride’s almost here. I have an early class tomorrow morning, then therapy.” 

“I’ll walk you out,” JT said, getting up from the floor. 

She turned toward Ryker. “I’m willing to give this a shot if you are. There’s…a lot more to be discussed, but I know how much you love him, Ryk, and I know how much he loves you, too.”

Ryker nodded. “Do you, um, wanna take some sushi? I ordered way too much, and it’s just gonna stink up the room.” 

Audrey smiled. “No, thanks. Good luck this weekend. I’ll see you soon.” 

JT followed her out the door. He closed it behind them so they could talk in the hallway, even though it was filled with muffled music and drunken shouts. He placed his hands on both her hips and dipped his head forward, resting it on top of hers. “Let me take you out tomorrow night. Anywhere you wanna go, as long as it’s not a bar or I’ll have to wait outside. I mean, I know we can’t do dinner yet…” 

“We’ll be able to soon,” she told him, running her fingers up the sides of his ribcage. “That’s the next piece I’m working on with my therapist, getting to a point where I can eat in front of others again. I think I’m…almost there.” 

“Get it, Redshirt! Woooo!” one of his floormates screamed, scaring the shit out of both of them as he passed by and slapped JT’s ass. 

“Fucking moron,” JT laughed, then wrapped Audrey in his arms. “Well, I cannot wait until I can take you out for the most idiotically expensive dinner. No limits. If I have to buy plane tickets to fly us there, I’ll do it. But I’m so proud of the progress you’re making with this. You know that, right? You’re kicking its ass, Aud.” 

She nodded against his chest, then pulled away. “Well, I have you to thank for a lot of it. I mean, despite all that we talked about tonight with Ryker, you…make me feel like I’m good enough.” 

“Because you are,” he said, grabbing her hand. 

“JT, I can’t give you what he can.” 

“I don’t need you to. The only thing I need you to give me is what you can, OK? That will always be enough.” 

“But here’s the thing: I know you’re in love with him. And JT, I said I loved you, and I do. You’re amazing. But I’m not…in love with you. I’m just not there yet.” 

“Well,” he responded quietly, trying his best to hide his disappointment, “then like I said, give me what you can, OK? It’s enough, Aud. I just want you in my life. Maybe that piece comes later for us, you know?” 

“Yeah, maybe. I gotta go. Swing by around seven tomorrow night. I’ll plan something for us.” She kissed him on the cheek, then began walking away, holding onto his hand until the last possible second. “Bye.” 

“Bye.”

JT opened the door, closing it and locking it behind him, where he found Ryker standing at his bed packing for his road trip. He approached him, ran his good hand up his back, and stopped on his shoulder. Ryker placed his hand on top of JT’s and squeezed. “Hell of a day, huh, Banner?” 

“Yep,” JT agreed, leaning down and kissing the top of his roommate's hand. “So, Nerd. Were you serious?” 

“About what?”

“About being a virgin.” 

Ryker turned around to face his teammate and nodded. 

“How…I mean, like, is it for religious reasons, or…?”

Snickering, Ryker shook his head. “It is definitely not for religious reasons. For one, I’ve always been sorta shy around girls, though lately it’s becoming a little more obvious as to why. And, also, um, girls don’t typically react to an uncut dick like it’s Christmas morning the way you did, baby. It’s…kinda made me a little self-conscious.” 

“Well, clearly I’m obsessed with it. And I’m not gonna lie, Nerd.” JT took Ryker’s hand and shoved it toward his hard-on. “The thought of popping your cherry has me turned the fuck on.” 

“Does it? Because I think,” he said, rubbing JT through his joggers, “I’ve finally got the hang of the whole blowjob thing.” 

“Oh, you definitely do,” JT moaned, closing his eyes and biting his bottom lip as Ryker worked his cock. 

“Good to know. Maybe you can teach me how to fuck next.” 

I Don’t Know Whether to Kiss You Right Now or Run (14) 

October  

“You nervous?” Audrey asked, shivering, as she and JT hoofed it to the Burrowes Building. It was a short walk from JT’s dorm, but it was 29 degrees outside.

“A little,” JT replied, teeth chattering, as they walked faster, arms around each other.

“Don’t be. It still pisses me off that we had to wait three weeks to get an appointment with your professors. It’s bullshit. They’re not that fucking busy.” 

“Well, we had to wait on the results of the evaluation from Dr. Namour, anyway.” 

“Which reminds me,” Audrey said, as they entered the building. “You did bring the paperwork, correct?” 

JT nodded and motioned toward his backpack. “Set an alarm for it last night so I didn’t forget.” 

“Good. We’re gonna get this taken care of, OK?” 

“OK. Just to warn you, though. They’re both complete douchebags.” 

“Don’t worry, I have plenty of experience with douchebags, babe. I got this.”

The two made their way up to the second floor and located the office of JT’s rhetoric and composition professor, Dr. Lincoln. He invited them inside, where JT’s introduction to American literature professor, Dr. Hall was also waiting. 

“Have a seat, please,” Dr. Lincoln said, motioning them to the chairs that faced theirs. “So, I understand you have some concerns about JT’s progress in our classes. And you are?” 

“Audrey Winston, assistant professor of English at Pennsylvania Highlands Community College. I’ve been tutoring JT for both classes since the beginning of the semester…I’m sorry, is something wrong?” she asked, noticing the two of them shooting each other a look as she shared her credentials. 

“Not at all. Please continue,” Dr. Hall responded. 

“Right. So, I’m sure you’ve noticed that JT’s averages have been consistently dropping in both of your classes, and I’m…” 

“Yes, and we’ve also noticed that he hasn’t asked for any extra help or attended either of our office hours,” Dr. Lincoln interrupted her. 

“Excuse me, I wasn’t finished speaking,” Audrey shot back, as JT’s eyes continuously flicked between her and the professors as though he was watching a tennis match. “I’m here to talk about why that is.” 

“Well, quite simply, he’s not putting in the effort, Ms. Winston.” 

“With all due respect, gentlemen, JT is putting in more effort than anyone I’ve ever tutored. The fact that he doesn’t attend your office hours is irrelevant considering the packed schedule on which he is currently operating. Not only is he at hockey practice for a minimum of 12 to 15 hours a week, but he attends tutoring for no less than three hours a week with me, all while keeping up with two additional classes and attending bi-weekly therapy sessions.” 

“And?” Lincoln replied smugly. “This is college and he’s a D1 athlete. He isn't the first elite athlete to attend this school. There are expectations for success and he has to meet them. Unfortunately, at the moment, he is not.” 

Audrey looked at JT, whose posture stiffened as his eye began to twitch. She immediately reached a hand over to him and placed it on his shoulder. “You’re right, he isn’t. And for very good reason. Gentlemen, are either of you aware that JT is dyslexic?” 

The two men looked at each other, with Hall scoffing. “We’ve, uh, quite a bit of experience between the two of us. I think we’d be able to tell if he was dyslexic, Ms. Winston.” 

“Would you? Because he is, and so far, you haven’t. Which is why I’m here to advocate for reasonable accommodations for Jacob Tyler DiMara as lawfully required under the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.” 

Dr. Lincoln blinked a few times. “You do understand that you can’t just claim to be dyslexic because your current class averages aren’t what you’d like them to be, that you actually have to provide supporting documentation which will need to be reviewed and approved by Student Disability Resources?” 

Before she could even respond, JT reached into his bag, pulled out the manila folder, and handed it over to Dr. Lincoln. “Boom. Here are the results of the complete neurophysical…wait, hold on…neuropsychological evaluation done by my clinical psychologist confirming my learning disability. Oh, and, like, they all meet the DSM-5 guidelines and have already been submitted to SDR. So, yeah.” 

Audrey whipped her head in JT’s direction. “When did you submit them?” 

“This morning. That’s what the website said to do.” He shrugged, then looked at his professors. “And in the future, gentlemen, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t accuse me of not putting in effort. I’m not just some dumbass athlete, despite what you wanna think of me…” 

“JT, we never said…” 

“You didn’t have to,” JT cut Hall off. “I might not be book smart, but I’m incredibly intuitive. You two could give a shit less about me. And, if we’re being honest?” JT leaned in toward them, lowering his voice. “I could give a shit less about either of you or your classes. I’m here because I have to be, because if I don’t pass, then I don’t practice or play.” He shrugged, sitting back up straight. 

“At least you can articulate yourself verbally,” Hall teased. 

“Actually, he does well when speaking,” Lincoln chimed in. “It’s the writing piece that seems to hold him back, which makes sense, in light of recent information.” He nodded a few times as he finished thumbing through the paperwork and closed the folder, resting it on his lap. “With proper documentation, the SDR will approve your request for accommodations, but it can take several days or even weeks. What is it you’re requesting?” 

“JT’s dyslexia requires several accommodations in order to enable his successful participation in your courses. First, he will need extended time for tests and assignments. JT takes longer to process his ideas and get them into writing. Second, he will need to use assistive technology in the forms of text-to-speech and audiobooks, as well as speech-to-text. If speech-to-text is unavailable, then he will need the option to give his written answers verbally instead.” 

“Anything else?” Hall asked, checking the time on his phone. “I don’t mean to cut this short, but I’ve got office hours in a few minutes.” 

“That’ll do it,” Audrey said, standing up, with JT doing the same. “Wouldn’t want to keep you from the students who actually do want to learn, would we?” 

“Ms. Winston, that’s not fair…” 

“Fair? You wanna talk to me about fair?” Audrey threw her head back, exaggerated a laugh, then pointed at them. “You dismiss my credentials as an assistant professor because I work for a community college…” 

“That’s not true…”

“Bullshit. I watched you. Then, you had the nerve to say JT isn’t ‘putting in the effort’ when he actually has a learning disability that neither of your fancy PhD’s picked up on. This kid right here is one of the hardest working human beings I’ve ever met in my life, and he’s overcome some of the most horrific shit in order to get where he is today just for you two overqualified clowns to talk down to him. 

“Oh, and by the way, he’s absolutely fucking brilliant, which you’d know if you took the time to get to know him as an actual person and not just as the name of some dumb athlete who happened to land on your roster. “Now, if you’ll excuse us,” she turned toward JT, “we’re done here. I expect the accommodations to begin next class or I will be filing a complaint with the Civil Rights Division of the DOJ. Real nice meeting you both.” 

Flipping her hair, she turned on one foot and walked out the door, leaving JT standing there in shock. “I, um, so…OK,” he mumbled, tossing his backpack over his shoulder, then turning to exit the office. 

She’d gotten halfway down the hall before JT could even shut the office door behind him. “Hey!” he called after her, jogging to catch up and reaching out to grab her arm when he finally did. He spun her around to face him, feeling her arm trembling, and noticed a few tears had escaped her eyes. “Babe, what’s wrong?” 

Pulling her arm away from him, she bitterly swiped at her face. “It’s…nothing. I didn’t mean to lose my cool like that, start cursing at them. They just pissed me off so much.” 

“Are you kidding me? The two of them looked like they were about to shit themselves, Aud. That was some of the most badass bitchery I’ve ever, like, witnessed in person. I don’t know whether to kiss you right now or run.” 

She laughed, as he placed both hands on her cheeks, sliding them until they were tangled up in her hair. He backed her slowly against the wall, lifted her face, and pressed his lips to hers. She returned the kiss, gripping his hips as their tongues moved slowly against each other and she ended by pulling his bottom lip between her teeth. “You and these fuckin’ lips, College Boy,” she whispered against his mouth. “I’m slightly obsessed.” 

JT moved his hands to her hips and squeezed, then pressed his forehead against hers. “Thanks for fighting for me today.” He pulled her away from the wall and they started back down the hallway together, hand in hand. “It really means a lot to have you…” 

“DiMara?”

He heard a voice call from behind him, and both of them turned to see who it was. “Hi.” 

It was the blonde girl from his dorm with whom he’d had sex during his first few days on campus. 

“Um, hey…um…” He stalled as he tried to remember her name, certain she’d never told him. 

“Liv,” she said, walking over to where the two were standing. She positioned herself in such a way that she was only facing JT, her back partially to Audrey. “I was really hoping you would have come by again. I thought, like, we had fun. But then, like, I heard you might be gay, so…” 

Audrey let go of JT’s hand and turned to leave, but JT wrapped both arms around her, placing her in between himself and the girl so her back was resting against his chest. “Liv, this is my girlfriend, Audrey,” he said, kissing her on the cheek.

“Right, nice to meet you,” Liv said, scanning Audrey’s body from toe to head, then rolling her eyes. “Well, clearly your preferences have changed. Anyway, whatever. If, uh, all that doesn’t work out, you know where to find me.” She gave Audrey a final once-over, then turned and walked away. 

JT felt Audrey sigh against him and squeezed her harder. “Fuck her,” he said quietly. 

“Something tells me you already have,” she replied, pulling away from him and fixing her hair. 

“It was before I met you.” 

“JT, I’m not…it’s fine, OK? I’m used to that kind of shit. People make comments about me all the time.” 

“Did I handle it appropriately?” he asked, taking her hand again as they resumed walking down the hall.

“I think so,” she said, reaching for her phone as she heard a notification. 

It was Ryker.

R: I’m here. You guys coming? 

They’d made plans to meet up with Ryker at the Starbucks across the street after the meeting so they could further discuss some of the particulars of their complicated relationship. One of the strategies Dr. Namour had suggested they use was to, over the course of a few weeks, jot down a list of questions and expectations they had for each other. This, he’d explained, would allow them to set healthy boundaries and ensure all of them had a say in the workings of the relationship. 

JT hadn’t been sexually active with either of them for the duration of those few weeks since the talk they’d had in the dorm. This, of course, minus the hand job he’d gotten that night from Ryker after revealing to JT that he was a virgin. The thought had gotten him so torqued up that a few quick, over-the-clothes tugs from his teammate had caused JT to cream his pants within seconds.

“Shit, Nerd,” he’d said, pulling the sticky fabric away from his body. “I’m gonna last about 12 seconds when we finally get to it.” 

“It’ll be the best 12 seconds of your life, Banner,” Ryker teased, handing him a nearby towel. 

“I don’t doubt it.” 

But, aside from that, there’d been no sex with either of them. JT wanted to make sure that the questions they had, any concerns that were raised, were coming from a place of clarity, a place where they could truly be honest with themselves and each other about their feelings without having the waters muddied by sex. 

In addition to their vow of abstinence, Ryker and Audrey had begun talking more over the past few weeks as well, and, as it turned out, got along famously. They’d gone for coffee a few times while JT had been in class, studying, or at the gym. And though they mostly talked about JT, they’d very much begun to enjoy each other’s company.

It wasn’t sexual at all. Audrey had helped Ryker edit and proofread a huge essay for his astrophysics class, and Ryker had helped Audrey chase a rogue seagull out of her apartment. It had flown in from the sliding balcony door, and when she’d called him in a panic, he’d come right over and chased the sucker out with a broom, despite the fact that he was absolutely terrified of birds. 

Afterward, the two had sat on the floor in hysterics, Ryker sweating, his face paler than a sheet of paper. “Yo, I swear that fucker…was coming right for me!” he’d choked out between laughs. 

“I’m gonna…fucking pee myself! Who has a seagull…fly into their…fucking apartment?” 

“What’s so funny?” JT asked, catching her chuckling to herself as they exited the Burrowes Building. 

“Nothing. I was just thinking about that stupid seagull again. Anyway, that was Ryk. He’s there.” 

“Cool. Guess he’s just gonna text you from now on,” JT mumbled, wondering if the jealousy he was feeling about their newfound friendship was normal. 

Guess we’re about to find out. 

What…the Hell Is a Butt Plug? (15) 

“I ordered you that brown sugar oat milk thing that you liked last time. Hope that’s OK,” Ryker said, sliding the drink across the table to Audrey, who sat by herself on the side of the booth, JT taking a seat next to Ryker. 

“Of course it is. Thank you.” 

“What’d you get me?” JT asked, looking over at his boyfriend. 

“Green tea with honey because,” he responded, moving the cup in front of JT, “coffee turns you into a raving lunatic any time after 10 a.m.” 

“Awww, you do pay attention,” JT said, wanting desperately to lean over and kiss Ryker but ultimately deciding against it. He took a sip of the tea as Audrey pulled up a list on her phone’s “Notes” app, and Ryker opened his notebook to the neatly organized, bulleted list of questions and uncapped his pen.

JT unzipped his backpack and fished around for a bit before pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper that looked like it’d been through a war. He laid it on the table in front of him, both of them staring at it, then at him. “Hey, I didn’t lose it. That’s gotta count for something.” 

“OK, so,” Audrey began, “who wants to go first?” 

“Um, I will,” Ryker said softly. “So, JT, the first question is how many others are there going to be?” 

“Oh, shit,” Audrey responded, clicking on her phone, then sitting back and crossing her arms. “Coming out swinging. I had the same question.” 

“What do you mean? Like, others how?” 

“I mean, is it just me and Audrey, or are you…”

“Whoa, no. Don’t even go there,” JT interrupted. “I’m only proposing this because I love both of you. It’s no different than, like, if I was in love with one other person, commitment-wise. I just happen to love two.” 

“Right, but people typically get into these kinds of relationships because they don’t really put a limit on who they can love, and I just wasn’t sure if…” 

“Listen, I don’t give a fuck what other people do, OK?” JT snapped, then closed his eyes and took a deep breath before exhaling and continuing. “I’m sorry. To answer your question, none. There won’t be any others.” 

“Fine. I’ll go,” Audrey said, looking at her phone screen. “What about for us?” 

“What do you mean?” JT asked, confused. 

“So, you get me and Ryker. But what if, say, Ryker wants to hook up with someone else, or I meet someone who I’m interested in dating. Is that something you’d considered?” 

“I’m gonna be honest with you right now. No, it isn’t.” 

“I hadn’t really thought about it either,” Ryker admitted. 

“Well, I have,” Audrey said matter-of-factly. “So, you just thought you’d get to have us both at your beck and call and didn’t stop to think about how our own needs as individuals might play into this?” 

“Is that even remotely what the fuck I said?” Flustered, JT stood up. “You know what? This was a horrible idea…” 

“Sit down, baby,” Ryker said gently, reaching for his hand as he noticed a few people turn to look at them. “You asked for our questions, our concerns. You should listen to them, OK?” 

JT nodded, sitting back down. “Fine. Sorry. So, no, I hadn’t considered that. And honestly, it wouldn’t be fair for me at all to sit here and ask that of either of you. So, yeah, if you feel like you wanna mess around with someone else, or if you feel like you wanna date someone else, then that’s,” JT swallowed, then continued, “fine.” 

“JT, I’m not saying I will or that I want to. I just want to know that if it happens, you’re not gonna freak out about it.” 

“That’d make me, like, the biggest hypocrite ever. Did you know the word hypocrite actually comes from a Greek word that one of its meanings is ‘jealous’? Kinda makes sense when you think about it.” He looked at both of them, neither of whom were looking at him. “That, um, was one of mine, actually. I don’t want there to be any jealousy, but I know that isn’t, like, realistic. So, here goes. I’m…kinda jealous of how close the two of you have gotten recently.” 

“Audrey and I are just friends, JT. There’s nothing else going on. Also, we both felt like if we’re gonna do this, it’s important we get to know each other. We just happen to get along really well. We mostly talk about you, anyway.” 

“JT, I’m not jealous of your relationship with Ryker,” Audrey stated. “Ryker, are you jealous of my relationship with JT?” 

“I am not,” he replied, looking down at his notes. “But I know that he and I have to plan our time together around your relationship with him as well.” 

“Not always. I don’t mind having it be the three of us. I kinda think of JT as a package deal. He comes with a bonus Ryker.” 

“You guys know I’m right here, right?” JT cut in, glancing between the two of them. “Like, that I can be part of this conversation, too?” 

“JT, you’re the one with the jealousy issues, and it isn’t really fair considering you’re getting both of us. Would you rather us resent each other?” Audrey asked. 

“Listen, it’s not jealousy so much as it is, like, insecurity. I’ve spent my whole life building up these walls, making sure they were high enough that no one could get in, you know? When my mom…” JT stopped, feeling Ryker’s hand on his back before the tears even filled his eyes. He played with the straw in his drink, not looking up from it. “When she died, I swore I would never let anyone get too close. The hurt that comes with a loss like that? It changed me. And my walls aren’t just to protect me. They’re to protect others because what I keep inside these walls? I don’t want it to get out. 

“But you two showed up and, like, bulldozed that shit to the ground. And oddly enough, I don’t feel like I’m constantly scrambling to put the pieces back together. That scares me, you know? Yeah, I don’t wanna get hurt, but I really don’t wanna hurt either of you. That’s the part that terrifies me, that you’ll look at me one day and decide that I’m…” He paused, wiping his eyes. “Too much, you know? That you’ll give up on me.” 

Audrey reached across the table and grabbed his hand. “What did I tell you the day I met you? I told you I don’t give up on people. And I don’t. For whatever reason,” she began, reaching for Ryker’s free hand and holding onto it, “the three of us ended up here together. I don’t necessarily believe in fate or any of that shit, but I do believe that things happen to us for a reason.” 

Ryker removed his hand from JT’s back and grabbed his so the three of them were linked together. “I think I believe that, too.” 

“And this?” she said, motioning to their joined hands. “There’s a reason for this. OK, so maybe it looks a little different from ‘normal’ relationships, but I sure as shit haven’t had much luck with those either. Hell, JT knows this, Ryk, but my last boyfriend dumped me because apparently, I’m too fat and ugly to date a professional hockey player.” 

“Well, he’s a cunt who needs to get his eyes checked,” Ryker said, causing Audrey to smile. “So, I got told I was entirely too boring for being so hot, and also that I have a ‘weird dick.’ That one was fun.” 

“I’ve only seriously dated two girls, and both of them told me I was looking for a mother, not a girlfriend,” JT chimed in. “One of them even outed me to the entire Storm when I came out as bi to her.” 

“So, it’s safe to say we’ve all been through our fair share of shit when it comes to relationships. And again, while this isn’t a ‘normal’ relationship, maybe this is our normal, you know?” Audrey shrugged, letting go of both boys’ hands so she could count the upcoming points on her fingers. “So, boundaries, right? One, we keep the sex safe. Condoms, always. Absolutely no exceptions. 

“Two, Ryk, if there are other opportunities that either of us would like to pursue, we have to communicate that with JT before anything happens. And three, we all make time for each other, ensuring that everyone’s emotional needs are being met. I’m fine with that. And if I’m ever not fine, I’ll let you know. What do you guys think?” 

Ryker nodded. “Sounds good to me. Banner?” 

“I think it sounds pretty perfect.” 

“Good,” Audrey said, checking the time on her phone and getting up from her seat. “I gotta get going. I’m teaching in less than an hour. See you tomorrow, stud,” she leaned in and kissed JT quickly. “Don’t forget to read the chapters. Bye, Ryk.”

They both watched her leave, sitting silently for a few moments, until Ryker broke the silence. “Thank God for older women, man. They just…I mean, can you imagine the drama that would have come from that conversation with a girl our age?” 

JT shook his head. “Don’t even wanna think about it.” 

“Anyway, we should probably hit dryland for a bit before practice. I need to work on my plyo. I’m slow as shit lately. You wanna get going?” Ryker asked, stuffing his notebook and pen into his backpack, then looked over at JT. 

“Yeah.” JT stared back, their eyes locked, their faces only a few inches from each other. “I wanna kiss you so bad right now,” he whispered. “I hope someday I can kiss you in public, hold your hand, you know? I know you’re not ready, and I respect that, but it’s all I…” 

JT was silenced by Ryker’s lips pressing against his own. 

The two boys remained like that for a few seconds, neither of them moving their lips or deepening the kiss, instead just accepting and appreciating this beautiful moment as the first step in Ryker’s journey.

As his roommate pulled away, JT smiled at him, then got up from the booth. “You have no fucking idea how happy that just made me.” 

Ryker, who was scanning the dining room nervously to see if anyone was staring at them, stood up, scanned again, then reached for JT’s hand, the two quickly interlacing their fingers. 

“Ryk, you don’t have to.” 

“I know. I want to.” 

“You sure?”

Ryker nodded. “I’m sure.” 

They left Starbucks, hand in hand with their hearts pounding wildly, and headed back toward the dorm so they could get changed for the gym. 

“Wanna know what else I’m sure about?” Ryker asked, breaking the silence. 

“What’s that?”

“I’ll be losing my virginity to you after practice tonight.” 

✽✽✽

“Carter, wait up!”

JT followed Colton Carter down the tunnel, who’d left the ice in a hurry once practice had been declared over. He jogged to catch up to him, tapping him from behind with his stick, but he didn’t turn around. “Colton!” JT called again. “What was all that out there tonight, man? You good?” 

His teammate had had one of the worst practices JT’d ever seen, screwing up the passing drills, icing the puck repeatedly, and getting visibly frustrated, once to the point of smashing his stick on the crossbar. 

The sophomore d-man turned around slowly, reached up to his face cage, and removed his helmet, revealing bloodshot eyes and tear-slick cheeks. “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

Carter threw his helmet and gloves to the ground, fell backward against the wall, and slunk to the floor. “She fuckin’ cheated on me. It’s over,” he choked out before burying his face in his hands and sobbing. 

“Shit, man. I’m so sorry,” JT offered, plopping down next to him and placing a hand on one of his thighs while he cried. Several of the other players came down the tunnel, a few of them offering words of encouragement. 

“It’ll be alright, man.” 

“Don’t sweat it, bro. She’s not worth it.” 

“You’re better than this, baby. Fuck her.” 

Ryker stopped, but JT waved him on and mouthed, “Tell you later.”

Once he was sure they were alone, Carter lifted his head and wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m just…my heart’s fuckin’ broken.” He slid the heels of his skates forward so his legs were straight out in front of him and threw his hands up. “Ten months down the drain, for some fuckin’ guy she met at a concert and banged in a porta potty. I was good to her, Red. I didn’t fuck around on her once. Not once. And believe me, it’s not because I didn’t have the chance.” 

JT sighed. “I understand broken hearts. If there’s one thing I understand, it’s broken hearts. I’m sorry you’re going through this, man. What can I do to help?” 

“Can you rewind time?” he asked sadly. 

“Bro,” JT said, then shook his head. “I wish. I…fucking wish.” 

“You said you understand broken hearts. You’ve been cheated on?” 

“Nah, nothing like that. Both my parents were dead by the time I was 15, though.” 

Carter gasped. “Seriously? I had no idea, Red. I’m so sorry.” 

“Yeah. It kinda sucks.” 

They sat quietly together for a few moments when JT heard Carter start to cry again. He returned a hand to his thigh and squeezed. “Let it out, man. Just get it all out. But it will be OK. I promise.” 

“I swear, I wanna…fuckin’ end it all. Just make the pain stop.” 

“Carter, no. Don’t talk like that. That’s a very permanent solution to a temporary problem, my guy. You cannot talk like that. You know how many people would miss you? Your family, all your friends.” JT motioned down the tunnel toward the locker room. “There’s at least 20 in there, plus me. Besides, you and me? We’re gonna be unstoppable together next year when I’m actually playing in games. I need you.” 

“I fuckin’ loved her, man. I still do. It hurts so bad. I feel like it’s never gonna get any better, you know? Like, I don’t wanna die, I just want the pain to stop.” 

“I’ve…been there.” JT debated oversharing, but ultimately decided that this was a moment where it was necessary. “So, I haven’t really told anyone this before, not even Nerd. But, right after my mom died, when I was 16? I…tried.” 

“Really?”  

JT nodded. “Really. I fucking watched her body get eaten alive by cancer and held her hand when she stopped breathing. I…couldn’t take the pain anymore, man. Drank half a liter of vodka and wrapped a belt around my neck. The, uh, closet rod ripped right out of the wall just as I’d started to slip away. Didn’t make any sense either, because that shit was bolted into the studs. There was no reason it should’ve broken, but…it did. And I’m so fucking glad it did because now I’m here talking to you.” 

“I’m glad it did, too.” JT wrapped an arm around his teammate, who then dropped his head onto his shoulder. 

JT turned his face and kissed the top of Carter’s sweaty head. “Everything passes, OK? This is gonna pass. I know it blows right now, but I promise you it’s gonna pass. And, believe me, when the universe takes people out of your life, people you thought you couldn’t live without, it’ll give you new ones to focus your energy on.” He thought about Ryker and Audrey. “And they’ll remind you why you’re still here.” 

“I love you, Red,” Carter told him, standing up and extending a hand to help JT to his feet, then pulled him in for a hug. “You’re one of the smartest dudes I’ve ever met. Seriously, you’re living proof that grades don’t mean shit. You’re smart in so many other ways, so many more important ways. This helped. Thank you.” 

JT smiled. “Anyway, what are you doing now? You wanna hang out with me and Nerd? It…I mean, it’ll most likely end with you drooling on yourself while he rattles on about dark matter and shit. But, if you’re high enough, it’s kinda interesting sometimes.” JT shrugged. “We’d love to have you if you, like, don’t wanna be alone.” 

“I appreciate that, Red. Nah, I’m heading over to the house with some of the guys. I fully intend to run through sorority chicks like Drano, make up for lost time.” 

“Well, there you go. Come on.” JT placed a hand around his back and the two headed into the locker room. 

“Thanks again, Red. You’re as real as they come,” Carter said, fist bumping him before moving to his stall, where D’Angelo and Macklin quickly joined him, throwing their arms around him for a group hug.  

JT smiled, then began pulling off his gear, and within seconds, Ryker made his way over. “Is Carter OK?”

“Yeah. Breakup. His girl cheated.” 

“Shit.”

“Yep. It’s all good. He’s about to go make some terrible decisions at the frat house. Speaking of terrible decisions: were you serious earlier, about me punching your v-card tonight?” 

Ryker blushed, stealing a quick glance at JT and then staring at the floor. “Fuck yeah, I was.” 

“Good,” JT said, resting a hand on his shoulder and leaning into his ear. “Because I put my butt plug in before we left the dorm, and I cannot wait to have your big cock in my ass.” 

Ryker released a small noise, JT pulling away and continuing to undress. “Um, Banner?” he asked, breathing heavily. 

“Yeah, Nerd?”

“What…the hell is a butt plug?” 

JT cackled, which, after having managed to keep their conversation private, turned a few heads in their direction. “Ryker McCreery,” he said, shaking his head. “There is so much for you to learn, baby.” 

You Deserve to Have It Be Perfect (16) 

Both of them already having showered at Pegula after practice, Ryker and JT had waited until they’d left the arena, then held hands for the entire walk home and up the stairs to the door of their room. When they’d walked past a few of their floormates, JT tried to pull his hand away, but Ryker squeezed it, keeping it there and letting him know he didn’t want him to. 

And truth be told, Ryker didn’t ever want to let it go. 

He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten so lucky to end up with this beautiful young man as his roommate, teammate, and now boyfriend, but it was nothing short of a miracle, one that caused Ryker to pinch himself every day to make sure it was real. 

He’d always been an outcast of sorts. Sure, he’d had friends from playing hockey in high school. And yeah, his good looks and killer body had attracted the attention of quite a few girls, but Ryker McCreery really did live up to his nickname. 

He was, in fact, a nerd. 

Ryker never fit the typical hockey player stereotype. He ran circles around his peers intellectually, he was painfully shy around girls, to the point of almost not being able to talk to them, he wasn’t a big partier, he didn’t smoke weed, and he didn’t sleep around. The last one was mostly due to his insecurity about being uncircumcised, after a few girls had made off-color comments. 

Well, that, and the whole actually-being-attracted-to-guys thing. 

He knew he was gay. 

He felt it for as long as he could remember; he just figured if he ignored it, maybe it’d go away and he could avoid giving the world one more reason to cast him aside. 

No luck.

Despite having kept his secret mostly a secret, with the exception of his older sister Raeann, who’d sniffed it out immediately, there was one other person who knew it, too. 

“So, is there anyone…special?” his mom would ask periodically when they’d sit down for dinner, or when in the car going to practice. She never admitted it, but she was always careful not to specifically ask about girls. 

“Yeah, seriously Ryk. Shouldn’t you be bringing girls home by now? What the hell you waiting for?” his dad would tease, and Ryker would shoot his sister a dejected look. And Ryker knew that’s all it was: teasing. He just…never really knew for sure what his dad would say if he told him. 

His mom? No worries.

His dad? It’d always been in the back of Ryker’s mind that there was a chance he’d be disappointed by having a gay son.

Despite that nagging feeling, he’d intended to come out to them…someday. Unfortunately, when he was 15, he learned that day would never happen. The anguish of watching his dad's mental state crumble following his mom’s fatal heart attack had given Ryker a purpose: to be there for him, to protect him, to comfort him, especially since Raeann was away at college and it was just the two of them now. All that other stuff got lost in the shuffle, crammed down into some dark, unknown place where it remained for a long time. 

Fast forward to freshman year of college: Jacob Tyler DiMara had waltzed into his life with both middle fingers in the air, shined a light directly into that place, and ripped all that stuff right back up to the surface. 

He was certain he loved JT, that this wasn’t some experiment or fling. And he knew it seemed crazy, seeing as he was only 18 and had never even dated a guy before, but that couldn’t have mattered less to him. 

When he looked at JT, he saw not only his present. 

He saw his future.  

He saw his home. 

And as much as he loved Audrey, and as happy as he was that JT could experience someone else who cared deeply for him after having been through such devastating losses, there was still a part of him that hoped that’s what JT saw in him, too. 

Once inside the room, Ryker locked the door and they both put their bags down, JT tossing it haphazardly onto the floor and Ryker hanging it neatly on the hook next to his closet. Within seconds, JT had buried his hands in Ryker’s damp hair and the two were attacking each other’s mouths wildly. JT backed his teammate up until his knees hit the mattress, then climbed onto his lap, breaking the kiss only so he could reach down and rip Ryker’s shirt up over his head. 

Chaotic fingers exploring every inch of each other’s bodies, JT finally slid his hands up to Ryker’s cheeks and held his face steady in front of his own. “How do you wanna do this?” 

“I…what do you mean?” Ryker asked nervously. 

“I mean, this is your first time, right?” 

“Yeah.”

“You deserve to have it be perfect. I wanna make it perfect for you. Tell me how to do that.” 

“It’s with you. It’s already perfect.” 

JT leaned in and gently pulled Ryker’s bottom lip between his teeth. “Way to melt my fucking cold, dead heart, Nerd.” Ryker’s hands wandered to JT’s ass and pulled his hips forward, inviting him to begin grinding in his lap. “I want you inside me so fucking bad.” 

“I kinda thought, um, maybe you would…you know, be the one…inside me,” Ryker told him shyly, as JT got up from his lap and went over to the top drawer of his dresser. He grabbed a bottle of lube and two condoms before heading back over to where his roommate had removed his pants and boxers and was seated with his legs spread, sporting a raging hard-on. 

“So, here’s the thing,” JT began, pulling off his shirt, followed by his pants and briefs. “There’s some, uh, prep involved in that. Hence,” he said, reaching behind him, removing the plug, and showing it to him, “this. Don’t get me wrong. The more you do it, the less prep you need. I just haven’t, like, taken a cock in a while, so I figured I would get ready for you. Plus, you’re pretty big. Bigger than I’ve ever taken before.” 

He set the plug down, opened the condom, and moved in front of Ryker, gripping the base of his dick in one hand and rolling the condom onto it with the other. Ryker moaned and shuddered at the feeling of knowing what was about to happen. “I want you on top,” he finally said, as JT swung a leg over him and repositioned himself in his lap. “I want you to ride me.” 

“I am not gonna argue with that.” 

Ryker watched, hands gripping JT’s hips, his mouth hanging open in anticipation as JT squeezed a good amount of lube into his hand. He reached around to his ass, spreading it onto himself first before using the rest to coat Ryker’s sheathed cock. “Fuck, Banner.” 

“That’s the plan, baby,” JT teased, resting his arms on his teammate’s shoulders to steady himself. He lifted his hips. “So, yeah. Grab your cock and line it up with my hole,” JT instructed, and Ryker did what he was told. “Yeah, there you go. Just like that.” JT winced a little as he slowly settled onto his roommate’s length, allowing his body to fully adjust. “Shit. You’re so big, baby.” 

“Oh, fuck,” Ryker whimpered, JT fully seated onto him. He grabbed his ass with both hands and stared into JT’s eyes as he began rocking his hips slowly in Ryker’s lap, then picked up the pace and started bouncing on his cock. “JT. Fuck.” 

“Does that feel good, baby?” JT moaned, their eyes locked, Ryker only moving them down to catch a glimpse of his teammate’s hard cock slapping against his stomach with every movement. “Am I fucking you good?” 

“So good. So…fucking good.” Ryker began thrusting his hips up into JT’s ass with every downward movement, getting them into a rhythm that had the bed frame repeatedly smashing against the wall. 

“You’re hitting my spot so good with that big cock. You’re so good at this, baby. You sure you’ve never done this before? I’m gonna cum for you.” 

Ryker, feeling himself nearing the edge of his orgasm after only a few moments, stood up and flipped JT onto his back on the mattress while remaining inside him. He reached down to JT’s ankles and lifted them to his shoulders, holding onto them as he folded his roommate up and fucked into his tight ass. “Fuck, you feel good,” Ryker moaned, switching between squeezing his eyes shut and watching his cock repeatedly disappear inside JT’s hole. “I’m not…gonna last much longer. I can’t.” 

“You don’t have to, baby. This is all about you. Let it go,” JT coaxed, grabbing his own dick and jerking it wildly. “Fuck, I’m gonna go, too. Empty yourself inside me…ugh, shit,” JT whimpered, his own orgasm hitting as his ass spasmed around his roommate’s thick cock. “You feel that, baby? You did that. Oh, shit. I’m coming so hard from that big fat cock of yours.” 

“Fuck,” Ryker groaned, speeding up frantically for the last few thrusts before he stopped and came inside JT’s ass while watching him erupt all over his own chest. “I love you so much,” he whispered, finishing up the last few pulses, then collapsed forward onto JT, whose legs dropped from Ryker’s shoulders, then wrapped around his lower back. 

“I love you, too,” JT said, kissing the side of Ryker’s face as he ran his hands all over his upper back. “And I really love that cock of yours. You were straight up smashing my spot like I’ve never felt before.” 

Ryker stood up, smirking at the cum that was now smooshed onto his chest as well. “We made a mess.” He grabbed the condom, carefully removed it and tied it off, bringing it to the trash can. Grabbing a towel from the bathroom, he wiped himself off, then brought it to JT so he could do the same. “So, that’s a real thing, then?” 

“What’s that?” JT asked, tossing the soiled towel onto the floor and sitting up. 

“Guys have a spot inside them that makes them cum?” 

“Oh, fuck yeah, we do,” JT replied, Ryker sitting next to him on the bed. “And it’s amazing. You’ve never, like, played around in your ass before while jerking off?” 

Ryker blushed. “I mean, a little. I guess I, uh, never found it, though.” 

JT dragged a hand across Ryker’s chest, palmed it, then lightly pushed him back onto the bed. “Lay down, OK?” he instructed softly. 

“What are you…” Ryker began, but JT shushed him, moving to the floor onto his knees between Ryker’s legs. He lifted his thighs onto his shoulders, then reached his hands to his roommate’s ass, spreading his cheeks apart and rubbing his thumb in circles around his opening. “Oh, fuck, JT.” 

JT went in, poking his tongue around lightly and teasing him, before flattening it against his hole and licking in long, slow strokes. He did this, getting off on Ryker’s little moans, until both of their cocks had gotten hard again, at which point he reached for the bottle of lube and pulled his mouth away from Ryker’s ass. 

“Don’t stop, baby. It feels so good. Please,” Ryker pleaded, watching JT coat his fingers with the liquid. 

“I’m gonna bring fucking tears to those beautiful eyes right now, OK? Can you relax for me, baby?” JT asked, as he pressed a finger against Ryker’s entrance. 

He nodded wildly, moaning as JT slipped one digit inside and allowed his body to adjust to it before curling it and wiggling it back and forth. Ryker’s cock twitched from the pleasurable feeling of JT pegging his prostate. 

“Feel good?” JT asked, continuing to massage his gland. 

“More,” Ryker choked out, reaching for his dick and squeezing it. “I need more.” 

JT smirked, slipping a second finger inside to join the other one, Ryker’s hips bucking wildly against the mattress. “That better?” 

Ryker quickly sat up, placing his ass on top of JT’s hand and began riding his fingers while he jerked himself off. 

“Oh, you’re a slut for it, huh?” JT asked, leaning in and kissing the inside of his roommate’s thighs while he continued to finger his ass. 

“Fuck me, JT,” Ryker moaned. 

“Are you sure, baby? I can get you off like this.” 

“Put that other fucking condom on and get your cock inside my ass.” 

JT stood, doing as his roommate instructed, and slathered lube all over himself and his hand. Ryker moved back onto the bed face up, spreading his legs and allowing JT to coat his hole with lube. Ryker motioned with his finger for JT to get on top of him. “Listen, Nerd. This is gonna be intense, OK? I’m gonna walk you through every step, but if you’re uncomfortable, let me know and I’ll stop. I just wanna make you feel good, baby.” 

Ryker nodded as JT lined himself up and pushed partly inside, watching Ryker’s face intently to make sure there was no issue before he pushed in a little further. When he was fully seated inside, he looked down at his teammate. “I’m good. Please, JT.” 

JT tangled his hands up in Ryker’s hair, using it to steady himself as he began slowly fucking into his warm, tight hole. He gradually increased his pace, never taking his eyes off Ryker’s face the entire time. In a matter of seconds, he was straight up porno fucking his roommate, the sounds of the bed creaking loudly, the frame hitting the wall, and both of their loud moaning filling the small room. Despite the intensity of his thrusts, he made sure to watch for any sign that Ryker wasn’t comfortable. 

But there were none. 

The kid was made to take a cock. 

Ryker reached a hand to his dick, but JT swatted it away, causing him to protest. “Come on, I’m so close,” he whined. 

“Then let my cock do the work, OK? You feel it, don’t you, how it tingles, like you’re gonna explode any minute, harder than you’ve ever cum before?” 

He nodded, tears filling his eyes and spilling over onto his cheeks as JT’s dick nailed his prostate repeatedly. “Yes. JT…JT…yes, fuck.” 

“Let it go, baby. Cum for me. Cum all over my cock and make me lose it again inside your tight ass.” 

No sooner than those words left his lips, Ryker nutted all over his chest, his hole clenching around JT’s dick while he continued to fuck him through the most intense orgasm of his life. A few moments later, JT was coming, too, the sight of Ryker’s chest covered in his huge load sending him right over the edge. “Oh, my God,” JT groaned, letting himself fall onto the mattress next to Ryker as they both lay there panting and covered in sweat. “Where the fuck have you been all my life, Nerd?”  

Ryker smiled shyly. “That felt really good.” 

“I could tell. You took me so good, baby.” JT propped himself up on one elbow, turning toward Ryker and trailed his fingers through the mess on his chest before bringing them up to his own lips and sucking them. Ryker watched intently, then wrapped his hands around the back of JT’s head and pulled him down. 

“I love you, JT,” Ryker told him, as JT closed the gap between their lips and the two kissed slowly for a bit, ending with JT nuzzling his face into Ryker’s neck. “You’re one of the best things that ever happened to me.” 

“Samesies,” JT replied quietly, as he settled into Ryker’s arms wrapping around his back and squeezing. “What just happened was amazing, but you know what my favorite part of tonight was?” 

“What’s that?” Ryker asked. 

“Holding hands with you on the walk back from Pegula and the way you didn’t pull away from me in the hallway when people walked by us. It made me feel like you’re, you know, proud to be with me.” 

“That’s because I am,” Ryker said immediately. “I’m not all the way out yet, but I’m getting there, and it’s all thanks to you. You…I can be my true self around you, JT. That’s huge. I’m not ashamed of me when I’m with you.” He heard his roommate sniffling, then continued. “I know you have your heart set on playing hockey, but watching you with Audrey over these past few months, then with Carter the other night? You know how to help people. I don’t know if you realize it, but it’s…I think it’s your calling. I really do, baby.” 

“It’s funny you mention that,” JT said, wiping his eyes. “Because I’ve kinda started to figure that out. And, as much as I like hockey, I don’t…really think it’s what I’m meant for anymore.” 

Well, Family Weekend Can Suck It (17)

Beginning of November

“Rook, you gotta pull over.” 

“Again?” Ryan yelled. “Hayes, you’re gonna have to calm the hell down with that thing.” 

“What do you want me to do, cut it the fuck off?” Hayes snapped. “I haven’t gotten hard in months with the exception of, like, two times.” 

“Well, you’re for sure making up for it now.”

“You know, Rook. I thought you’d be happy for me.” 

“I was happy for you when I sucked it the first two times, Hayes. My lips are gonna fall off.” 

Hayes adjusted his pants in the passenger seat and sat back, crossing his arms and sighing.

After finding out that Ryan had been hit on at Ryler, he’d made an appointment with his urologist to see if there was some underlying medical issue as to why he was having trouble. Having thoroughly examined him, the doctor was adamant that it was stress related. 

“You’ve got a lot on your plate, a lot that you’re dealing with right now. It’s not surprising that it’s manifesting this way, especially since you’re getting older now…” 

“Alright, Doc. Seriously, calm down with that shit. I’m fuckin’ 42, not 82.” 

“Yes, but your testosterone levels begin to drop at age 30, and by age 40, they begin to drop even more. Also, being a former opioid addict doesn’t help, then combine that with a ton of stress, and…” The doctor had motioned toward Hayes. 

“So, what are we suggesting here, exactly?” 

He’d recommended Hayes first try a series of natural attempts to remedy the problem. These included a type of counseling known as psychodynamic therapy, which was intended to address a subconscious problem in order to identify the root cause. Meditation and yoga were also suggested, and though Hayes was willing to give yoga a shot, having done it when he was in recovery, he’d suggested that the doctor could “fuck off with that meditation bullshit.” 

His doctor had also written him a prescription for “boner pills”, as Hayes so eloquently referred to them. “I only want you to use these as a last resort. I really believe this is psychological with you, and I think using these without first addressing the cause of this issue will be detrimental rather than helpful, considering your history with addiction.” 

So, Hayes had given it the old college try. 

He’d gone to his psychodynamic therapy sessions, where he’d discovered that, as expected, the root cause was a coagulation of stressors that had formed basically The Avengers of troubles: the demands of running the business, the constant battle of waking up every single day fighting the urge to get high and drunk, the grief of losing three of his best friends, and JT fucking DiMara. 

He’d also started doing yoga nightly with Ryan, which had actually helped increase the mobility in his shoulder. 

After a few weeks, he’d been able to get hard for a bit, but right on cue, another stressor thrust itself into the mix: performance anxiety. As soon as he and Ryan would get things going, he’d get inside his own head and…down she went. 

“Rook, if you wanna divorce me, or if you need to fuck around on me, I get it. I won’t blame you,” he’d told him sadly one night as he slunk to the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands. 

In seconds, Ryan was right behind him, wrapping him in his arms. “Why would you even talk like that? We’ll get through this. I said I’d wait as long as it takes and I wasn’t kidding. Hayes, if we never have sex again, I’m still gonna be here for you. I’m not going anywhere, OK?” 

Hayes wiped his eyes, then clutched his husband’s hands and held them firmly against his chest, silent for a few moments before breaking the silence. “If you do decide to cheat, which again, I won’t blame you for, it probably won’t be with Matt.” 

“And why’s that?” Ryan had asked, playing along with his dramatic ass husband. 

“Because the other day, we were talkin’ about the kids, and I may or may not have casually mentioned to him that if he ever made a pass at my husband again, I’d break his fuckin’ neck, stuff his lifeless body into a hockey bag, and toss him in the dumpster where he belongs.” 

Ryan had blinked a few times, then smiled, kissing the back of Hayes’s neck. “That’s…really sweet, baby. A little psychotic, but sweet, nonetheless. This, um, would also explain why he won’t even make eye contact with me anymore.”  

“I wanna do this without drugs,” Hayes had said quietly, a few tears escaping his eyes. “You know I don’t even like takin’ a fuckin’ Advil, Rook.” 

“Baby, it’s not even remotely the same, OK? If you feel like you need to take them, then take them. If you wanna wait, then wait. Either way, I’m gonna be right here.” 

And he’d waited as long as he could. Over the past few days, he’d been able to jerk off, only once to completion, after which he couldn’t believe the obscene amount of cum that had exited his body. 

But, since they were going to Penn State to visit JT for Family Weekend, and since staying in hotels always made the two of them ravenous for each other, he figured he’d give the “boner pills” a shot. 

This, as it’d turned out, was a big mistake. 

Having popped one about three hours prior, while on the flight from Tampa to Philadelphia, he was fully bricked up by the time they hit the tarmac. “Rook,” he’d whispered excitedly as they grabbed their luggage from the overhead compartment. “Look at this fuckin’ shit!”  

And Ryan, the same Ryan who’d never once in his life been able to turn down his husband’s cock, instantly began plotting where they could sneak off so he could take care of it for him. Within seven minutes of being off the plane, Ryan was riding Hayes’s dick in the VIP lounge bathroom at the Philadelphia International Airport, resulting in one of the most intense, mind-blowing orgasms Hayes had ever experienced. 

But his boner quickly returned and became the houseguest that wouldn’t leave. 

A half hour into their over three-hour drive out to State College, Ryan had pulled over to blow him, and then once again at the one-hour, forty-three-minute marker. 

Now, Hayes was asking him to pull over once more, and Ryan was having none of it. “You’re gonna have to smack it or wait until we get to the hotel. I’m not stopping again.” 

“Well, you’re no fun,” Hayes mumbled, scrolling through his phone. “Alright, so it says here to see a doctor if your dick’s hard for more than four hours. I’m right on the cusp of that shit, Rook.” 

“I think that’s like, if it stays hard that whole time. Yours is kinda coming and going. I think you’re fine.” 

“Yeah, it’s comin’ alright,” Hayes quipped, noticing that he had a text from JT. 

J: Practice until 7. Meet you guys for dinner at 830. Lionne & 1855 Lounge. Made reservations for 5. 

H: 5? Bringing some friends? 

J: Something like that. 

✽✽✽

“You look insanely beautiful,” JT told Audrey, as he leaned against the door and watched intently as she fixed her makeup in her bathroom mirror and restyled her hair about five times. 

“Thank you,” she said, smiling at him. “Alright, that’s as good as it’s gonna get.” She turned off the bathroom light and headed over to the closet to grab her coat and her car keys, which she dangled in front of JT’s face. “Thank God for low-mileage leases.”

The two exited the apartment, where they ran into Jess getting off the elevator. “And where are you two lovebirds headed?” she said, holding the door open for them. 

“Actually, we’re…heading to dinner,” Audrey said shyly. “With JT’s dads and Ryk.” 

Jess shrieked, then let go of the door so she could fling her arms around Audrey. “I am so fucking proud of you, babe,” she whispered into her ear. “Is it the first time?” 

Audrey shook her head. “Ryker and I shared a muffin at Starbucks a few times this week, and I actually cooked dinner for all three of us two nights ago and even ate some of it. It’s…the first time I’m going out for dinner in a really long time though, around all those people. And I’m meeting Ryan and Ty. So, you know, no pressure.” 

Jess let go of her, then pressed the elevator button for them seeing as the door had closed and it had left their floor. “You good? Did you prepare?” 

“Yep. Looked at the menu a zillion times. I know exactly what I’m going to order. I think I’m more nervous about meeting them, honestly.” 

“Don’t be,” JT said, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind her and resting his head on her shoulder. “They’re going to love you just as much as I do.” 

“Oh, my gosh. This fucking kid, Aud,” Jess swooned, holding her hand over her heart. “You better keep him around.” 

“I think I will,” she said, making a beeline for the door as it opened so they didn’t miss it again. 

“Hey,” JT said, walking backwards toward the elevator and pointing at Jess. “Don’t forget. Post-game skate tomorrow. You’re coming, right?” 

“Against my better judgment, yes. I haven’t skated in years.” 

“There'll be plenty of guys there who’d love to help you out,” he yelled, as the doors closed. 

“Trust me, she will definitely take advantage of that,” Audrey said, as they rode the elevator down to the ground floor and made their way out to her brand new, red Honda Civic. 

“So, do you love it yet?” JT asked, as she started it up and they headed to the Nittany Lion Inn to meet the guys for dinner. 

“Beyond love it,” she gushed, petting the steering wheel gently. “It’s still crazy to me that he did this.” 

“Yeah. Crazy,” JT said quietly. 

“But I guess that’s his way of making amends for being a cheating sleazebag. Hope he’s not waiting for me to thank him, because it ain’t happening. Also, it’s nice to not have to walk everywhere in 25-degree weather, or spend a third of my income on Uber.”   

The “this” she was referring to was the payment in full of the remaining seven months of her apartment lease, totaling just over $7000. When she’d gone to make her rent payment last month, she was informed that someone had paid it off through May. After getting over the initial shock, she immediately knew. 

Evan Verdano.

It had to be Evan. 

She’d asked repeatedly for details as to who’d paid the balance and was constantly met with the same answer: they had no idea. 

Either way, things were looking up for Audrey. She was in a relationship where, despite the fact that she was sharing him with another man, she actually felt valued, her finances were coming together, and, with the help of her therapist, she was at a place where she was finally able to eat in front of other people again. 

“JT,” she said, as they pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and she parked the car. “I want you to know something.” 

“Yeah? Is it that you’re sorry you leased this tiny ass car that your very tall boyfriend can hardly squeeze into?” he teased. “First a Mirage, and now this clown car?” 

“I’m serious.”

He reached a hand to the back of her head and leaned his face over toward hers. “What’s up, gorgeous?” 

“I, uh, never expected in a million years that I’d be where I am right now. I mean, with you and with Ryk. But I want you to know that I’m…happy. Like, for the first time in a very long time, I’m fucking happy, Jacob. You…I don’t know if you understand just how special you are. It makes all the sense in the world that you wouldn’t just be loved by one person. You…you deserve all the love this world has to offer you, baby.” 

JT pressed his forehead against his girlfriend’s, sliding a hand up her thigh. “Does this mean you, maybe…I don’t know. Maybe you might be in love with me now?” 

Her breath hitched, his fingers toying with the hem of her thong. “Well, JT, if I’m not, then I don’t know if I’m even capable of being in love.” 

He pulled his hand away abruptly, leaving her panting. “Good to know. Now, let’s go meet my gay adopted dads.” 

“You…fucking tease!” she scolded, slapping him lightly, then getting out of the car and holding his hand as they walked into the hotel. 

“So, listen. Ty is…well, he’s Ty. Ry is a giant fucking golden retriever. You’ll absolutely love him. Everyone does. Ty is just…he’s…” JT fumbled over his words. 

“Can I guess which one you’re more like?” she teased, as they made their way into the restaurant. 

“Aud, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear Ty was my dad. We’re…the exact same fucking person. It’s insane.” 

“How…I mean, how did you end up with Ryan and Ty? They’re so much younger than your mom was.” 

She knew.

She’d read Ryan’s memoir, Breaking Ryan Baylor and put the pieces together, knowing that even though names had been replaced, the older female roommate was almost certainly JT’s mom. And, for a bit, she had a similar relationship going on with both Ryan and Ty as she and Ryker currently had going on with JT. 

She wasn’t sure if he knew though, so she tried to tread lightly. 

“Honestly,” JT said, spotting the guys sitting at a table with Ryker and motioning to them. “I’ve never really asked, and I kinda don’t wanna know. I know what my gut tells me, and it’s…whatever. They’ve done right by me is all I can say. They’ve absolutely done right by me. And Ty might be a fucking dick sometimes, but I really do love them both.”              

As JT and Audrey approached the table, Ryan and Hayes both stood, taking turns hugging Amara’s son before he sat down next to Ryker, leaned over, and kissed him on the lips. “Missed you,” he whispered. 

“It’s been an hour,” Ryker replied, holding onto JT’s hand under the table. 

“That’s one hour too long.” JT looked over at Ryan and Hayes, who both remained standing and looked cautiously at each other, then at JT. “I see you’ve met my boyfriend. I’d like to introduce you to my tutor and girlfriend, Audrey Winston.” 

“It’s an absolute pleasure to meet you,” Audrey said, extending her hand across the table to shake Ryan’s, then Hayes’s. “JT has only the most amazing things to say about you both.” 

“Well, we all know that’s a fuckin’ lie,” Hayes said with a wink, as they took a seat. “Ms. Winston, I just wanted to…” 

“Audrey,” she corrected him, as JT grabbed her hand under the table with his free one. “Please. Ms. Winston is my mom, and we don’t exactly get along.” 

“Fine. Audrey. I just wanted to thank you for the work you’re doing with JT and for gettin’ him the help he needs. It’s…what you did for him, helpin’ him get diagnosed? It’s fuckin’ amazing.” 

She blushed. “JT learns a bit differently, but he’s absolutely brilliant. Now, we just have to get him to a place where he understands that.” 

He turned his head and kissed her on the lips, side-eyeing Hayes and Ryan as he did so to see their reactions, which didn’t disappoint. “I’m getting there, babe. Mostly thanks to you. So, uh,” he said, turning his attention toward the guys. “How was your flight and drive? You had a busy day of traveling, huh?” 

Ryan and Hayes shot each other a look, then nodded. “Yeah, it was certainly busy, alright,” Ryan said, punching Hayes’s leg under the table. “Kinda can’t wait to go to bed, honestly.” 

They made small talk for a bit, when JT noticed Audrey’s hand was trembling as the server approached and leaned into her ear. “You don’t need to be nervous. Fight it. You’ll order, you’ll eat, and everything is gonna be fine. You can do this. You trust me?” 

She nodded, squeezing his hand. 

He’d been right.

She’d ordered an unsweetened iced tea and a salad, dressing on the side, and when it came to the table, she ate most of it. She constantly scanned the dining room, but no one was watching, and neither JT nor Ryker made a big deal out of it, just allowed her to do her thing. 

And she’d done it. 

Once everyone finished eating and ordered coffee, Ryan attempted to strike up a conversation with Ryker. “So, Ryker, do you have family coming in for Family Weekend, too?” 

“Nah. So, my mom died a few years ago, and my dad is on a cruise right now with his new girlfriend, who just so happens to be about four years older than me.” 

“Oh. I’m…sorry,” Ryan said softly. 

“Don’t be,” Ryker said. “I’m used to doing things on my own ever since she died. My dad…he didn’t handle her death well, so he’s doing what he needs to do to keep it together. I don’t always approve, but I certainly understand it.” 

“I did everything myself, too, kid,” Hayes chimed in. “Builds character. Oh, by the way,” he addressed JT. “I have the paperwork for you to sign for that money you wanted to take out…” 

JT cut him off quickly with a slashing motion to the throat. 

“What? Somethin’ I said?” 

“Can I…can we? Over there?” JT asked, standing up and motioning toward the doorway. “I’ll be back,” he said to Audrey and Ryker before leaving the restaurant with Hayes and entering into one of the common areas of the hotel, where they had a seat on a couch. 

“What the fuck did I do this time?” Hayes asked, annoyed. 

“I just think it’s tacky to talk about money in front of everyone like that.” 

“Whatever, sorry. I didn’t think it was a big deal. What’d you need it for, anyway? Five grand is a sizable chunk of change, kid. Please fuckin’ tell me you’re not in trouble again.” 

“No, I’m not in trouble again. I just…I needed it, OK? And I’d appreciate it if that could be the end of it.” 

“Well, you only gotta worry about it for another month or so, because when you turn 21, it’s all yours. Then you’re welcome to blow right the fuck through all of it if you wanna, OK?” 

JT’s leg bounced as he felt his eye beginning to twitch. “You’re…impossible to talk to. You know that?” 

“Yeah, and you’re a real fuckin’ peach,” Hayes shot back. “Speaking of trouble,” he said, motioning toward the restaurant, “what the hell is goin’ on with all that in there?” 

“All what, exactly?” JT asked, staring directly at Hayes, knowing damn well what he was referring to, but playing dumb. 

“You know what.”

“Say it.”

“JT, I’m not…”

“No, go ahead and say it!” he yelled, standing up and raking his hands through his hair. “You don’t think there could possibly be one person who gives a shit about me, let alone two. Right? I mean, honestly, who’s gonna care about some mouthy, dumb little fuck up?” 

Hayes noticed some heads turning in their direction. “Sit down, JT. And lower your fuckin’ voice.” 

He did.

“All that shit you just said? That’s how you feel, not me. And as for who’s gonna care about some mouthy, dumb little fuck up?” He motioned toward the restaurant. “Ask Ryan. ‘Cause he’s cared about this mouthy, dumb little fuck up for over 20 years now. You need to ease up on yourself, kid. That’s not what I’m sayin’ at all.” 

“Then what are you saying?” 

“JT, I’m sayin’ that in there…has the potential to get complicated, OK? When there’s more than one person, and feelings like that are involved? It can get…really complicated. Trust me.” Hayes sighed, knowing all too well the drama that came with it. “You’re still young, JT. You’re 20. You don’t know what you want yet…” 

JT scoffed, crossing his arms and bouncing his leg wildly. “That’s rich, coming from you.” 

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?” 

“How old were you when you fell in love with Ryan?” 

Hayes rolled his eyes. “Twenty.” 

“And you married him when you were how old?” 

“Twenty-two.”

“Then you,” JT leaned in toward Hayes, lowering his voice and pointing a finger at him, “don’t get to tell me shit.” 

With that, he got up and stormed back into the restaurant. As he approached the table, he noticed Audrey was smirking and Ryan had a glazed over look on his face, trying desperately to follow along as Ryker prattled on about the ins and outs of theoretical astrophysics. 

“...and so, what we do is we use mathematical models and analyze them in an attempt to understand astrophysical phenomena. We draw on different areas of physics, like general relativity, nuclear and atomic physics. Our work is geared to help explain the observations made…” 

“Hey, sorry to cut this riveting lecture short, Nerd, but I’m heading out.” 

Ryan stood up. “What happened? Is everything…” 

“Ry, it’s fine. You know how me and him do.” JT approached Ryan and gave him a quick hug. “I’ll see you at the game tomorrow. I love you.” 

Ryan spotted Audrey pulling out her credit card from her purse. “Don’t worry about the bill, sweetie. We got it. I love you, too, JT.” 

Audrey and Ryker both stood up, shook hands with Ryan, thanked him for dinner, then followed JT, who’d already left the restaurant. They passed Hayes on the way out, stopping to shake his hand briefly as he made his way back to the table. 

“Hayes?” Ryan asked cautiously. 

“Don’t,” he warned.

“Excuse me. Don’t ‘don’t’ me. What the hell happened?” 

They both sat back down, Hayes grabbing onto Ryan’s hand, then taking a sip of his coffee. “You’re fuckin’ sexy when you assert your dominance with me, you know that?” 

“Great. What happened?”

“I just…warned him about that. About how complicated that can get. No one knows that better than us, Rook.” 

“Baby? Don’t you think it’s possible that he’s capable of making his own decisions?”              

“Rook, have you met JT?” 

“He’s growing up, Hayes. He’s matured a lot over these past few months. And not for nothing, those two are two of the sweetest people on Earth.” 

“Yeah, well, that’s all fine and good, Rook. But we’ve seen how that kid handles heartbreak, and it ain’t well. And that? Ends no other way but in heartbreak.” 

“Why? Because it did for us?”

“We weren’t able to make it work, Rook.” 

Ryan reached up to Hayes’s cheek, turning it to face his own. “We weren’t able to make it work because it’s always been you and me. Just you and me. And if it wasn’t for us trying and failing? We wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation right now.” 

“So, what? We just let him fail?” 

“Precisely,” Ryan said, leaning in for a quick kiss as the server dropped the check off. 

“He’s been through so much, Rook. I just wanna…” Hayes trailed off, sadly. 

“I know you wanna, but you can’t protect him from everything, baby. He has to figure things out for himself. And maybe…maybe he makes it work, maybe they make it work. You know?” Ryan scanned the bill, placed his credit card in the book, and handed it back to the server who took it away. “You, uh, didn’t mention anything to him about…” 

“Fuck no, I didn’t,” Hayes interrupted. “Not even ready for the shitstorm that would cause.” 

“Good. That’s probably not a conversation to have on Family Weekend.” 

“Well, Family Weekend can suck it.” 

Ryan signed the receipt and they both got up from the table. “And so can you when we get upstairs. After all I did for you today, I do believe it’s my turn now.” 

I Had No Idea It Would Hurt This Bad (18)

“Yo, he’s so hot, omigod,” JT heard the young girl whisper to her friend as they skated away after taking a picture with him. 

“Alright. That’s the fifth ‘he’s so hot’, Carter. How many you up to?” 

“Shit. I’ve only had two.” 

“Chump,” JT teased, as he signed some autographs for a group of boys, maybe 12 years old or so, who’d skated up to where he and Carter were hanging out by the penalty box. 

“So, why don’t you play in the games, anyway?” one of the kids asked JT. 

“I, um, so I’ll be able to play next year. This year, I really have to work on my classes, make sure I study hard and keep my grades up. That’s why it’s so important to make sure you pay intention…I mean, pay attention in school and do your best.” 

“Well, I hate school. I’m kinda dumb,” the kid said sadly, as JT finished signing his Penn State puck and handed it back to him. 

“Nah, don’t talk like that about yourself. Hey, did you know that I actually, um, have a learning disability?” 

The kid shook his head. 

“Well, I do. It’s something called dyslexia, and it makes it hard for me to read and write. It doesn’t mean I’m dumb, though. It just means I learn differently. The world is cruel enough, bud. Best thing you can do is be kind to yourself.” JT extended his hand to shake the kid’s. “And you are very smart. Don’t let anyone tell you different. You understand?” 

The boy nodded, then pulled his hand away from JT’s. “Thanks.” 

“Thank you,” the boy’s mother mouthed to JT before skating away after him. 

Carter immediately threw his arms around JT and kissed him on the cheek. “How the fuck are you even a real human being, Red?” he asked, letting go of him. “Seriously, you always know exactly what to say. It’s unbelievable.” 

“It’s a gift,” he said, scanning the rink to see where his girlfriend and boyfriend were. 

That evening’s game had been a complete barn burner, with Penn State ultimately pulling off the 3-2 W in the shootout. Macklin had been stellar in net, and Carter had been a force on defense, even having scored the goal that knotted the game at 2. 

Since it was Family Weekend, JT had been permitted to sit in the audience with Ryan, Hayes, Audrey, and Jess, and all of them were shocked at how animated and into the action Audrey was for the duration of the game. 

“Pressure, boys. Where’s the pressure?” 

“Oh, bullshit! Open your eyes, ref!” 

“Get on the forecheck! Come on!” 

“Close that five hole, Macklin!” 

Hayes had turned to JT at one point. “You got a fuckin’ live one here, eh?” 

“Apparently,” JT’d responded, amazed at the fact that she actually knew the game, something that JT wasn’t used to. 

She’d blushed when she caught him staring at her. “I, uh, sorry. I really do like hockey.” 

“That is not something you have to apologize for, gorgeous. In fact,” he’d leaned into her ear and whispered, “it’s kinda got me hard as fuck, if I’m being honest.” 

“Well, good,” she’d turned her head and whispered into his ear. “Because I fully intend to wear your jersey and sit on your face while I suck your cock tonight.” 

Pulling himself back to the present, JT continued to search the ice just as Jess and Audrey slid over to him along the boards, both of them hardly able to move on their figure skates, clutching onto each other for dear life and giggling. 

“There she is,” JT said, grabbing onto Audrey’s hand and pulling her into his chest. “You look…awesome out there.” 

“You’re a terrible liar.” 

“Alright, fine. You look like a newborn deer. Seriously, have you ever even skated before?” 

“Many years ago…uh oh, down she goes!” She turned just in time to see Jess fall flat on her ass, cackle, then lie down and sprawl her arms and legs out like she was making a snow angel. 

“Yo, Carter!” JT called, and he immediately skated over to him. “This,” he said, pointing to the ice, “is Jess. She needs some help skating. You wanna, um, maybe show her how it’s done?” 

Carter reached a hand down to pull her to her feet, steadying her as she lost her balance and collapsed forward onto him. “Definitely. Hey, I’m Colton.” 

“And Colton,” JT began, “just went through a terrible breakup and has some wounds that, um, need licking. I figured, I don’t know, if anyone was right for the job…”  

“Say no more. Let’s go.” Jess bit her bottom lip and stared at Carter, the two quickly making their way around the rink, Carter cozying up to her from behind and pushing her. 

Audrey watched them skate away, then turned back to JT, who she knew was busy searching for Ryker. “He’s, um, over on one of the benches. He’s been…talking to some guy for a bit.” 

“Who is it?” JT immediately asked. “Do you know who it is? Is it someone from school, or…” 

“I don’t know. What I do know is that I need to get these skates off my feet before they fall off. I’m gonna go sit. I’ll meet up with you afterward, OK? Where are Ryan and Ty, anyway?” 

“Headed back to the hotel a little while ago. Probably to fuck. They fuck a lot.” 

“Can’t say I blame them,” Audrey said under her breath. 

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Oh, nothing.”

“No, seriously. What?”

“Jesus, JT. Ryan’s, like, the hottest man in the world. Don’t act like you don’t know that.”              

“Alright, cool. So, my girlfriend wants to fuck my hot, gay, adopted dad. Got it,” he teased, messing up her hair as she skated away toward the tunnel.

“Hey.”

Ryker appeared alongside JT, snowing him, then bumping him with his shoulder. 

“There you are. Been looking for your sexy ass.” 

“JT, can we talk for a sec?” 

Unsure why, those seven words caused JT’s heart to sink into his stomach and his face to immediately flush. 

They skated over to the penalty box and sat down. “What’s going on?” JT asked, placing his hand on Ryker’s thigh. 

“So, here’s the thing. I don’t know if you saw that guy I’ve been talking to, but he’s…I went to high school with him. Turns out, his sister goes here and he’s in town for Family Weekend.” 

“OK,” JT said, removing his hand from Ryker’s leg, but Ryker quickly reached for it and held it. 

“JT, I…had such a crush on him in high school. And, well, he asked if I maybe wanted to hang out with him…tonight.” 

Everything seemed to come to a halt at that moment. 

There were no sounds, there was no movement. 

It was as if someone pressed “pause” and JT was staring at a frozen screen, unable to make sense of what was happening and fumbling for the “rewind” button. 

“JT?”

“And you wanna go with him?” JT asked sadly, his voice cracking a little. 

Ryker nodded. “I feel like I kinda owe it to 15-year-old closeted Ryker, you know?

Hey,” he said, squeezing JT’s hand. “This doesn’t change us. I’m in love with you, baby. You know that. This is just…something I feel like I need to do for me. Do you understand that?” 

JT thought for sure he’d answered, but apparently he hadn’t. 

“JT? Can you talk to me, baby? Please?” 

“Um, yeah,” JT said, standing up, removing his backwards cap and running a hand through his hair before replacing it. “I’ll, um, stay at Aud’s tonight so you guys can have your privacy. Have…a good time, OK?” He swung the door to the box open and exited quickly. 

Ryker stood up and called after him. “JT, wait…” 

“We’ll talk later,” JT replied without turning around as he headed toward the tunnel and exited the ice. He passed by Audrey, who was sitting on a folding chair removing her skates and putting her shoes back on, but didn’t even notice her. 

“Jacob!” she yelled, and he spun around to face her. She stood up and approached him, running her hand across his cheek. “I called your name three times. What’s…are you OK? You don’t look so good.” 

JT nodded, his stomach in knots. “I’m…can we just go home now?” 

“Jacob, you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?” 

He felt the familiar feeling of his anger beginning to rise in him like a boiling pot of water, the bubbles nearing the surface as he tried desperately to turn down the heat to avoid a spillover. “I just…need to leave. Now. OK?” 

“Yeah, OK. Let’s go then,” she said, grabbing his hand with both of hers. “Do you wanna breathe with me, baby?” 

“No!” he snapped, his eye beginning to twitch. “I just wanna fucking go home.” 

✽✽✽

“Fuck, Jacob. I’m so close. Just like that, baby.” 

Audrey moaned, tugging JT’s hair, her heels pressing firmly against the front of his shoulders. He kneeled on the floor, face buried between her legs as he ate her out on the side of her bed, swirling his tongue rapidly against her clit. He simultaneously removed his hands from her tits, then slathered his fingers with lube so he’d be ready to slide one inside her pussy and one inside her ass right at the moment she came, just the way she liked. 

“This is just…something I feel like I need to do for me…”

“Jacob, shit. I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna…” 

“Do you understand that?” 

“...Jacob, fuck.” He fingered both her holes hard, a little harder than usual, feeling her muscles tightening around each of them as she whimpered and bucked her hips off the bed. “Oh, yes…yes.” 

“JT? Can you talk to me, baby? Please?” 

As she finished the last few pulses of her orgasm, she sat up, clad in his jersey and panting, and pulled him to his feet. “Now get inside me, College Boy, and let me cum again all over that beautiful cock of yours.” 

He reached for the condom and tore it open with his teeth, but noticed that when he went to put it on, he wasn’t quite ready. “Shit,” he mumbled. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” she asked, sliding off the bed and onto the floor, positioning herself in front of him. 

“I’m…just suck it for a few, get it nice and hard for me.” 

“Of course,” she said, taking his semi-hard dick by the base and guiding it into her mouth.              

“Fuck, just like that,” he moaned, closing his eyes and leaning his head back. 

This never happened.

Eating her out was usually sexual napalm for him; yet here he was with a pathetic half-chub as she attempted to suck him hard, even pressing her fingers up into his taint and massaging his prostate. 

But all efforts proved futile. 

She pulled her mouth away and looked up at him. “Do you want me to get the strap-on, or…what about that vibrating plug you just bought?” 

“This doesn’t change us. I’m in love with you, baby…”

“Shit,” he groaned, backing away from her and frustratedly flinging the condom onto her bed before reaching down to the ground to retrieve his briefs and joggers. “It’s…not happening tonight, gorgeous. I’m sorry.” 

“Um, OK,” she said tentatively, standing up and searching for her underwear, which he picked up and tossed to her, then took hold of her hand.

“Hey? It’s not you. I promise. You know I think you’re absolutely perfect, especially in my jersey. It’s me. I’m…kinda in my own head right now. Maybe, I don’t know, give me a few minutes or something, OK?” 

She nodded, trying her best not to look disappointed, as she pulled on her black lace boy shorts and went to the kitchen to snag a drink of water.

Immediately, JT reached over to her nightstand and grabbed his phone to see if there were any messages, and his heart leapt when he saw he had two text notifications, though neither were from the person on whom he was anxiously waiting. 

The first one was from Ryan. 

R: We need to head out early tomorrow. Breakfast with us at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow or we’ll see you at Thanksgiving. Lmk

“Yeah, that’s not happening. See you for the turkey, my guy,” JT said aloud, scrolling to and clicking on the next message, which was from Carter. 

C: Jess? Dude, my dick’s gonna fall. the. fuck. off.  

“Well, at least someone’s dick works,” he mumbled, tossing his phone aside, then picking it back up, waking it up, and staring at his lock screen. 

It was a picture of Ryker in a tight, black, long-sleeved shirt with his glasses on, staring off into the distance. JT had snapped it one day when they’d had lunch together between classes, right after the first time Ryker had really kissed JT in public. It was his favorite picture of his boyfriend, and he’d set it as his lock screen because of the calming effect it usually had on him. 

Right now, though?

It filled him with an all but intolerable sadness. 

He tossed the phone aside again, rolling away from it and covering his head with his hands, wondering what Ryker McCreery was doing right now. 

What if the other guy is fucking him better than you do? 

What if he doesn’t prep the right way and he gets hurt?

What if he’s falling in love with the other guy? 

What if he’s falling out of love with you? 

What if…

“Ugh, fuck!” JT yelled, tears rolling down his cheeks as he curled up into the fetal position and wept, and before long, he felt Audrey’s hand running up and down his back. She let him cry for a bit, then forced him to sit up and take a drink of water from the glass she’d brought him. 

“Jacob, talk to me. What’s wrong?” she asked, wiping his tears away with her thumb, taking the glass from him, and setting it on the nightstand. “You’re not OK, baby. Tell me what’s going on.” 

“I don’t…think I can…do this,” he choked out between sobs, as he collapsed forward onto her and she wrapped him in her arms. 

“You can’t do what, Jacob?”

“It’s not fair. It’s not…I know it’s not fair.” He wiggled out of her grasp, got up off the bed, and began pacing, unsure of what to do with his hands. “I’m here with you, and it should be OK that he’s…but it’s not. It’s not…I didn’t…know it would hurt this bad. Aud,” he whimpered pathetically, staring at her. “I had no idea it would hurt this bad.” 

“I’m…not picking up what you’re putting down, stud.” 

He proceeded to tell her, through tears, about the conversation he’d had with Ryker at Pegula and that he was currently in their dorm with another man. “And I know I told him that I would be fine with it, but Aud? I’m the opposite of fine. I don’t know if he’s OK, I don’t know if he’s…” 

“Hey.” She reached for his hand and pulled him over to her, where she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his stomach as she hugged him, his arms falling onto her shoulders. “What you’re feeling right now is normal, JT. It’s 100 percent normal, I promise you. But,” she said, gently pushing him away from her and patting the bed next to her, “you need to take this as an opportunity to understand Ryker’s predicament, and maybe that will help you see this differently.” 

JT sat next to her, letting his head slump over onto her shoulder. “And what predicament would that be, exactly?” 

“Ryk is gay, and you’re the only guy he’s ever been with. He never got the chance to experiment, he never got the opportunity to have a crush on a guy and act on it. Ryker spent the entirety of his high school years in the closet, pretending to be someone he wasn’t. I…can only imagine how awful that must’ve been for him, how every moment was agonizing, knowing he was living a lie and feeling absolutely powerless to do anything about it. Ryker’s teenage years weren’t his to live, baby. ” 

“I didn’t think of that,” JT responded quietly. 

“Yeah. Well, he’s able to finally be who he is now, and JT? A lot of that is because of you. You showed him that it’s OK to be himself, that everything he fought to keep hidden for most of his life is exactly what you love him for. But, he’s still just a kid, JT, a kid who never got to live his truth. You gotta…you gotta let him live it a little bit, baby.” 

“I wanna be enough for him. And, yes,” he said, agitated, shaking his head, “I understand that I’m dating someone else, too. But it’s…different. Like, if he was with another girl right now? No problem. But, like, I don’t even look at other guys, Aud. There’s no other man who is even remotely in the same fucking class as him.” 

“Because you’re bisexual, JT. Ryker is gay.” 

“I didn’t realize how complicated this all…fuuuck,” he moaned, letting his head fall into his hands. “He was right again. That son of a bitch was right again.” 

“Who?”

Tyler motherfucking Hayes.

“Never mind. Alright, so I’m overreacting. How do I fix this?”

Audrey sighed. “Compersion.”

JT shot her a confused look. “OK, so I know I’m not, like, the best with words, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t one.”  

She snorted.

And instantly regretted it.

“Did you…did you just snort?” he asked, laughing. 

“Yes. Anyway, moving on. It’s called compersion. It’s…so I’ve been researching poly relationships because, well, here we are. It’s basically where you take your jealousy and try to subdue it by retraining your brain. You allow it to experience joy from Ryker’s joy, to find happiness in his happiness with other people. You have to learn to understand that the happiness he experiences when spending time with other people has no negative effect on the happiness he experiences when he spends time with you, JT.” 

He got up from the bed and began pacing again. Audrey tossed a throw pillow to him and encouraged him to throw it back, and the two flung it back and forth to each other while they talked so he could better concentrate. 

“Take you and me, for example. We have fun together, right?” 

“Of course. I mean, when my dick decides to work.” 

“Stop it. That was one time. And I don’t just mean sex, JT. We…we have a good relationship. We talk, we open up to each other, comfort each other, all that, right?”  

“Absolutely. You’re the first person I come to with anything. You understand me better than anyone else ever has.” 

“OK, good. Now, does having that dynamic between us change anything about the dynamic between you and Ryk?” 

JT raised an eyebrow. “No?” 

“Exactly. What you and Ryker have doesn’t take anything away from what you and I have. And that’s the key to this whole…relationship thing we have going on here. I’m not saying it’s easy, baby. It requires an entire paradigm shift. We’ve been taught our whole life what ‘normal’ relationships look like, so it’s no surprise that our feelings naturally try to adhere to that pattern.” 

Alright, he could deal with that. 

He just had to train his very ADHD, dyslexic, angry, broken brain with a crippling fear of abandonment to not experience insecurity and jealousy. 

Right.

“You think he still loves me?” JT asked sadly. 

She leaned over and kissed the top of his head. “No, I don’t think so, JT. I know so. That boy would die for you without a second thought.” 

You Are My Home, Baby (19) 

He’d somehow fought it. 

JT had fought the urge all night long to text Ryker. 

To ask him how the date was going. 

To see if he was OK.

To see if he…missed him. 

But he’d fought it. And it was one of the hardest damn things he’d ever done in his entire life.

Only one text was sent, and it was at 7:50 that morning, since JT hadn’t slept at all and couldn’t possibly wait one second longer. 

J: OK if I come home now? 

R: Of course.

Now, as he approached the door to his dorm room, his heart was beating out of his chest, the sound thumping wildly in his ears. He readjusted his backpack, took a deep breath, and stuck his key in the lock, turning it slowly and trying to make the least possible amount of noise, just in case Ryker was asleep. 

He closed the door behind him, tossed his bag onto the floor, and peeked around the corner to see Ryker lying in his bed, then released the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Just being in the same room as him put JT at ease, and he contemplated going to take a shower now that he knew his baby was safe and asleep. 

“Banner?”

Immediately, that plan changed as he watched Ryker sit up on his bed, rubbing his eyes. JT instinctively grabbed Ryker’s glasses from his desk and handed them to him as he tentatively sat down next to him. “Hey,” he whispered. 

“Hey.”

After putting his glasses on, Ryker threw his arms around JT and squeezed the life out of him, with JT returning the gesture as the two remained locked in an embrace for what felt like forever. 

Finally pulling away, both boys wiped their eyes. Ryker grabbed JT’s hand and brought it into his lap, neither of them sure what to say, but with JT needing to break the silence. “Are you OK?” 

Ryker shook his head, staring down at the floor in front of him, as JT started to feel his pulse speed up but fought to stave off the anger rising within him. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” JT finally asked after taking a few deep breaths.

“He wasn’t…as gentle with me as you are, baby.”  

JT squeezed his eyes shut, popping up off the bed and raking his fingers through his hair. The adrenaline dump overtook him to the point where he started shaking. Noticing this, Ryker stood and tried to calm him down, but JT moved away from him. “Don’t. Just…I need a minute, OK?” 

JT paced, clenching and unclenching his fists, fighting like hell to refrain from punching something. 

4-7-8

4-7…

“Did he do something to hurt you, Ryk?”

Ryker shook his head adamantly. “It wasn’t intentional or forced, nothing like that. I consented to everything. He was just…pretty aggressive, and like, didn’t spend a whole lot of time getting things ready the way you do. Definitely a little stingy with the lube.” 

“Did he use a condom?” 

“Yeah. I made sure of it.” 

Alright, so at least JT didn’t have to beat someone’s ass today. 

That was a plus. 

“And, like, I just…wanted it to be over,” Ryker cried, reaching under his glasses to wipe his eyes, then ultimately taking them off and setting them next to him on the bed. “The whole time, I wanted it to end. He wasn’t you and I fucking hated it. I hated every minute of it. I couldn’t stop thinking about you and wishing I was with you instead. I regret it, JT. I regret it so much.” The young man brought his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and dropped his head. 

“I didn’t fucking sleep at all last night,” JT confessed, standing in front of him and reaching over to rub his back gently. “I couldn’t even get things going with Aud because all I kept thinking about was how much I didn’t want you to be with him.” JT’s own tears escaped his eyes. “And, I know, like, given the circumstances of all this that it’s not fair, Nerd. It’s not fair for me to feel this way or to put this on you, but I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” JT lowered his head so his forehead rested on top of his boyfriend’s. “If it makes me a hypocrite, then I’m a fucking hypocrite. Whatever. But I wanna be enough for you. I wanna be your home.”

Ryker lifted his head, his damp eyes meeting JT’s. “You are my home, baby.” 

JT pulled him to his feet and wrapped him in his arms. “Did you shower yet?” 

“No. I haven’t even gotten out of my bed since he left.” He shook his head and scoffed. “He couldn’t get out of here fast enough once it was over. I don’t even think he said goodbye, to be honest.” 

“Come on,” JT said, leading him by one hand toward their shared bathroom. “Let’s get cleaned up. And I, uh, have some cream you can use if you’re, you know, sore.” 

“That would be really helpful, actually,” he said, as the two began pulling off their clothes and entered the tiny bathroom, JT reaching inside the stall and setting the water. 

“Blood?” JT asked gently. 

Ryker shook his head. 

“Good. Just make sure you keep an eye on it.” 

They maneuvered their way inside the small shower stall, both laughing a little at how awkward it was but ultimately figuring it out as Ryker turned to face the wall. JT pressed his chest against his boyfriend’s back, running his fingers through his hair and pressing light kisses along the back of his neck. 

They both stood, allowing the water to cascade around them, secretly hoping it would wash all of this away. 

The shame Ryker felt for having been with someone else. 

The jealousy JT felt because of it. 

The pain Ryker felt from not having been prepped properly. 

The anger JT felt because of it. 

“I want you to know you didn’t do anything wrong,” JT said, resting his chin on Ryker’s shoulder. “You know that, right?” 

“I know that.”

After they’d stood for a bit, JT squirted some shampoo into his hand and massaged it into his boyfriend’s scalp. He soaped up a loofa and washed himself quickly before exiting the shower and allowing Ryker to clean up before the water ran cold. 

Having already dried himself off and thrown on some sweats, he returned to the bathroom just as Ryker was stepping out, dropping a pair of sweats onto the floor for him. JT grabbed a towel and proceeded to dry his boyfriend off gently from head to toe, then motioned to the cream he’d left on the sink. “You, um, only need a little bit, but it will help.” 

“Thanks.”

Noticing the time, JT rolled his eyes, remembering that they’d both volunteered to help out at Pegula for the Family Weekend public skate, which was starting in about an hour. 

“Can we just skip it?” Ryker asked as he came out of the bathroom. “I’d rather lay in bed with you all day, honestly.” 

“You read my mind, Nerd.” JT pulled back the sheets, climbed into his bed, and patted it, inviting Ryker to join him, which he did without hesitation. 

He lay facing JT, their noses touching, and brought a hand up to his face. “I’m sorry I complicated things,” he told him. “I’m still trying to figure so much of this out. I thought…I needed it.” 

“Whatever you need, Ryk? I support that. It’s not…it’s not gonna be easy for me, and I’m working on it. Audrey and I had a long talk and she really put things into perspective. You deserve to be happy, too.”

Ryker pulled JT’s face forward and the two pressed their lips together briefly. “This is happy for me, JT. This right here.”  

It was silent for a few minutes, the two of them just lying there, holding onto each other as though nothing else in the world even mattered. 

And at that moment, it didn’t. 

Finally, Ryker spoke. “What was she like?” 

“Who?”

“Your mom. Tell me about her.” Ryker felt JT shift a bit. “I mean, if you don’t wanna talk about her, it’s fine…” 

“No, are you kidding me? I love talking about her. No one ever really, like, asks, you know? Her name was Amara.” 

“Wait. Her name was Amara DiMara?” Ryker asked with a smirk. 

“Nah. McDonough. She never changed her name, for either marriage. My dad was her second husband. She went through some really awful shit with the first one. Anyway, she was…one of a kind, that’s for sure. She came to all my games, yelled at the refs and shit. She was a pistol, man. You couldn’t tell her anything. If she thought she was right, she’d choose death before she let you think you were right.” JT laughed. “But, if she was wrong? She was always super quick to apologize. My dad was like that, too. I was real lucky in that respect. They never let me feel guilty for shit I didn’t, like, have to, you know?” 

He paused, then continued. “She was strikingly beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. You’re gonna think…this is gonna sound weird, but like, Aud sorta reminds me of her. Especially pictures from when she was younger? After my dad died, dudes were lined up around the block trying to date her. I used to get so pissed off and run away to Ryan and Ty’s house every time she’d go out on a date.” 

He stopped, tears forming in his eyes. “She tried, but she could never find anyone else who made her feel the way my dad did. She really did love him.” JT quickly pivoted. “She was smart as hell, too. An excellent writer and like, people smart. She could help you with any problem, and she always gave the best advice. Fuck, I miss her.” 

Ryker dragged his fingertips lightly up and down JT’s arm. “She sounds amazing. So, how do you know Ryan and Ty?” 

JT snickered. “I don’t know, man. They were ‘friends’ with her, is what they tell me. She was roommates with Ry for a bit, but we’re talking about a, like, 20-year age difference. I…have my suspicions, but I try not to think about it too much. It doesn’t really matter now because those guys are my family.” 

“They’re awesome, especially Ryan. He’s really sweet.” 

“Yeah, he is. Don’t piss him off, though. I’ve seen him lose his shit and it’s not pretty. Longest fuse in the world, but when it finally goes? Even Ty doesn’t say shit. And it takes a lot to render Ty speechless, trust me.” 

“Yeah, he, uh, reminds me of someone,” Ryker teased, messing up JT’s hair. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but…” 

“Oh, trust me, I know. Ty’s a dick, but to be honest, there’s no one on Earth who goes harder for me. That dick is my number one supporter. Anyway, how about your mom? What was she like?” 

Ryker sighed. “Kinda similar to yours. Confident as hell. Like, she was a bigger woman, but she wore what she wanted and didn’t give a shit about what anyone had to say. Her name was Pam. She was a nurse and did shift work, so she couldn’t be at every game, but she made the ones that she could. She always supported me no matter what. And I swear she knew I was gay. She never admitted it or came right out and asked me, but when she’d ask about my love life, it was always, ‘Is there anyone special?’ and not, ‘Are there any girls you like?’ That told me she knew. 

“I hate that I never got to come out to her. I wanted to, I just…never got the chance. I wish she’d taken better care of herself, too. Ate like shit, smoked, didn’t exercise. Heart attack got her at 46. Such a fucking waste. I don’t even know how to wrap my head around it sometimes. She would’ve loved you, Banner. That much I do know.” 

“Mine would’ve loved you, too, Nerd. Hey, thanks for asking about her. It’s…it means a lot. She was my favorite person in the world.” 

“Any time you wanna talk about her, go ahead. I’ll listen. Talk about your dad, too, if you want.” 

JT smiled, kissing Ryker softly on the lips. 

Within minutes, both boys were snoring, lying there next to each other until the world outside went dark once again. 

Did You Assholes Pay Extra for the Nosebleed? (20) 

End of December

“This feels weird,” Audrey said to Ryker, pulling off her winter coat and tossing it onto the seat as they both stepped onto the party bus outside of Pegula. “I’m entirely too old for this shit.” 

“Yeah, well. I’m entirely too gay for this shit, but here we are. You look exceptional, by the way. The white really complements your dark hair.” He took off his coat as well, revealing a charcoal gray dress shirt, tucked neatly into black pants with a black belt. 

“You look hot, too. I’m used to seeing you in sweatpants and a hoodie.” 

“Don’t get accustomed to it. This is for game days and special occasions only. Where’s our boy, anyway?” 

She shrugged, as they took a seat toward the rear of the bus and she began to pull down her short dress uncomfortably, as it had ridden up. 

Your body is beautiful, she told herself silently. You don’t have to hide it. It’s OK to show some skin. 

She noticed she’d received a text on her phone, checked it quickly, then locked her screen and set it down next to her. She glanced over at Carter and LeFleur, who were scrolling through their phones, checking out the lineup of girls at the club for the evening, and deciding which ones they wanted dances from. 

The guys wanted to take JT out for an early 21st birthday celebration, seeing as he’d be home for Christmas break when it was his actual birthday. The gentlemen’s club they’d be attending was 18 and over, so it didn’t affect Ryker or JT. The fully nude venue didn’t serve alcohol and wasn’t BYOB, so that’s what the 30-minute ride on the party bus was for. 

Ryker reached for a bottle of cheap champagne and grabbed two red plastic cups, pouring one for Audrey and handing it to her, then pouring one for himself. He raised his cup to hers. “A toast?” 

“Sure,” she said, raising her cup to meet his. “To what shall we toast?” 

“To our complicated little relationship, and the fact that despite how chaotic and crazy this all has been, you’ve…become one of my best friends in the world. And I’m really thankful for that.” 

“Awww,” she said, as they both sipped their drinks. At first she was hesitant, but pushed through, remembering that it was OK to indulge in a drink or two every now and then. 

Everything in moderation, Aud. 

“You’re one of my best friends, too, Ryk. And to think it all started with a fucking seagull.” 

“Do not mention the devil bird ever again. Please. I still have nightmares about that demon.” He downed the rest of his drink, poured some more, then tried to top her cup off, but she declined. 

“I’m good. Someone’s gotta be the adult here tonight,” she said, motioning to Carter and LeFleur, who’d been joined by two more rambunctious guys and a girl Audrey didn’t recognize and were now ripping shots of vodka. 

At that moment, the bus erupted into cheers and shouts as D’Angelo and Macklin entered the bus with JT, who was clearly feeling pretty good. He shook hands and hugged his way through the eight or so guys and girls on his way to the back of the bus, plopping down on the seat between his girlfriend and his boyfriend, careful not to spill his drink. He threw one arm around each of their shoulders and took turns kissing them beginning with Ryker. “I can’t get over how hot both of you look tonight. I’m the luckiest motherfucker alive right now.” 

“You don’t look so bad yourself there, stud,” Audrey said, running a hand up his thigh. He was dressed in a pair of blue, shiny dress pants and a white polo with a pair of black and white Chucks. “How fucked up are you right now?” 

“Um, so…about that,” he slurred, tipping his cup back and chugging the rest of it just in time for Macklin to make his way around with a tray of Jello shots. “Oh, yay. I love Jello shots!” 

“Don’t take them yet. We’re gonna toast to Red,” he told them, as Audrey, Ryker, and JT each snagged one. When he’d gotten to everyone, D’Angelo whistled loudly to get their attention. “Alright, so, I just wanted to thank everyone for coming. Especially the ladies. Y’all are troopers, for real.” 

“We like to look at nice tits, too!” one of the girls yelled, prompting several cheers to erupt. 

“Hell yes! Anyway, we’re here to celebrate Red tonight. JT, our beloved redshirt. I can’t say enough good things about this kid right here,” he said, motioning to where JT was seated. “When I first met you, I’m not gonna lie. I thought you were a complete douche…” 

“Same,” both Ryker and Audrey said in unison, causing them to laugh and JT to shoot each of them a look. 

“Real nice, guys, “ JT said, rolling his eyes. “Thanks.” 

“...but the more I got to know him, and the more time I spent with him? He’s anything but. No one on the team works harder than this kid right here. No one. He’s faced a shit ton of challenges and he’s met each and every one of them head on and kicked their fuckin’ asses. Not to mention, someone passed all his classes and can practice with us again next semester!” 

Cheers erupted, and he placed his hand on top of Audrey’s, which was still on his thigh, in a silent gesture of gratitude. 

“Red, you make things interesting, for sure, but I’m so proud to call you my teammate and friend. Can’t wait ‘til you can finally play and travel with us next year. To Red!” he shouted, thrusting his shot in the air, as everyone else did the same, then tossed them back. 

Audrey squeezed his leg and then patted it a few times, noticing he’d begun to cry a little but was trying to hide it. She leaned into his ear and whispered, “You OK?” 

He nodded, setting his empty shot glass down. “Very much so.” 

Right on cue, his brain wanted to tell him something awful, like, They don’t mean it, or, Just wait until they get to know the real you. They’ll change their minds.

But, remembering what Dr. Namour had told him about having to actively combat negative self-talk, he took a deep breath, and swore he heard his mom’s voice inside his head. 

This is what it feels like to be loved and accepted. These are your friends. 

You’re worthy, JT, and you deserve every moment of this. 

As they drove off toward the club and the music started blaring, the guys got progressively drunker and sillier, with one of them grabbing the pole in the middle of the bus and attempting to dance on it, as several of the others stuffed money into his waistband before he tumbled from the pole and landed flat on his back in hysterics. 

Ryker shook his head, then looked over at JT and Audrey. “Ten bucks says he gets tossed.” 

“Twenty bucks says they don’t even let his drunk ass in,” Audrey replied. “That place doesn’t fuck around. If you appear too wasted, they won’t let you in.” 

“And how would you know this?” JT asked curiously, running his fingers across her bare thigh.

“Because I’ve, uh…been there before. Jess and I were bored one night and decided to go. Most of the girls were really hot.” 

“This is certainly news,” JT said, wide-eyed. 

“Calm down, killer. It’s not like that. I can just…appreciate the striking beauty of both the male and the female form.” 

“As can I,” he said, leaning in to kiss her, then turned over to Ryker and kissed him, too. “Obviously.” 

By that point, everyone knew Ryker and JT were a couple. A few of the guys had gotten Ryker hammered on the road one night and he’d accidentally spilled the beans, to which he was met with absolutely zero shock. 

“Thank God you finally said something,” one of the junior forwards, Tom Amos, had told him, throwing his hands up and clapping. “You two fucking morons have been making googly eyes at each other for weeks. We were taking bets on how long it’d take you two to admit it.” 

“Shit,” Ryker had responded. “I thought we were keeping it under wraps.” 

“Yeah, like a bright red thong under a pair of see-through white pants, bud. Seriously, it couldn’t be more obvious that you’re in love with that boy.” 

But this was the first night they were introduced to Audrey as someone more than just JT’s English tutor. 

And, while supportive, they were also drunk, and some of them had a lot of questions. 

“Alright, so lemme get this straight,” Carter slurred loudly, leaning in toward JT so he could hear him over the music. “So, you’re with Nerd…but you’re also with her?” 

“Correct.”

“And Nerd, you’re with her, too?” 

“Nope,” Ryker replied calmly.

They could all see the wheels turning pretty hard in Carter’s head as he tried to process this information. “So, like…if she’s with you, and you’re with him…” He paused, looking like he was attempting to solve a quadratic equation. 

“You’ve been in love?” Audrey jumped in, trying to give him the assist.  

“I have. She was a cheating whore, but I have.” 

“So, JT is in love, but with two different people.” 

“Got that part. But you guys don’t get jealous as hell of each other?” 

“OMG, seriously,” the girl who was sitting with Carter interjected, leaning into the conversation. “Sorry to, like, interrupt. I’m Vanessa, by the way. But, like, I was just listening to that and…how do you not get jealous when he’s with him?” 

“It’s…something you learn to deal with,” Audrey replied. “Do we get jealous sometimes? Of course. It’s a normal human emotion. But we’re all really good friends and we know how to communicate with each other when we feel certain things. I want JT to be happy, and I know Ryker makes him happy. Being happy for his happiness doesn’t mean I don’t or can’t also make him happy. If that makes any sense.” 

“That’s…fucking crazy,” Vanessa said with a laugh. “But I’m here for it. You guys are the cutest and, like, I’m glad it works for you.” She smiled before turning back toward the other guys and promptly exiting the conversation just as quickly as she’d entered it.  

“So, like,” Carter continued, raising an eyebrow, “do the three of you ever…you know?” 

They all shook their heads. 

“Yeah, but, like, would you?” 

They all bit back smiles. 

“I try to never say never,” Audrey finally responded, after neither of the boys said a word. “But it’s not like that. There’s a lot of love here and a ton of respect for each other. It’s not all about sex. Everyone thinks it is, but it’s not.” 

“That’s cool, that’s cool,” Carter said, grabbing his phone and scrolling around a bit. “I have one more really important question for JT though, then I’ll leave you alone, I promise.” 

“And what question would that be?” JT asked. 

“Who gets to pick the girl you get a dance from tonight?” 

✽✽✽

“Alright, so we’ve narrowed it down to…” Audrey checked her phone again, ignored the message, then turned to Ryker. “Bunny and Destiny, right?” 

“I…kinda don’t really care. This is more your wheelhouse, so I’ll let you pick. I’m not sure he’s even gonna know he’s getting a dance, to be honest.” 

“Yeah, he’s pretty wasted. Where’d he go, anyway?” Audrey asked, sitting back next to Ryker on the couch they were sharing in the back of the club, their shoulders touching. 

They’d been there for about an hour and a handful of guys got tossed for being way too drunk, including the amateur bus pole dancer. JT had tried to plead with the bouncers, insisting that they be given another chance since it was his birthday, an effort that proved to be futile. 

“Went to play pool with Macklin and LaFleur. I just hope they stay away from the darts or someone’s losing a fucking eye.” Ryker sighed, looking over at Audrey. “This sucks, by the way. I could be back at the dorm in my sweatpants eating peanut butter crackers and watching Nova right now.” 

“Alrighty then, Grandpappy. Are you sure you’re 18? That’s literally the oldest fucking thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.” 

“I’m an old soul, babe. Anyway, here comes Drunky McDrunkerson now.” They both looked up as JT stumbled a little on his way back to where they were sitting, Carter and Macklin in tow. 

“So, who’s it gonna be?” Carter asked. 

“Think we’re gonna go with Destiny,” Audrey replied, as JT plopped down next to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Great tits, blonde, and ass for days.” 

“Excellent choice. I’m gonna go set that up right now.” 

“I just want you to know,” JT leaned into Audrey’s ear as Carter walked away, inadvertently spitting all over the side of her face. “I love you and you’re definitely the most beautiful woman in here and none of these girls have shit on you and…you know I love you, right?”             

“Yes, I know, JT. But thank you for telling me for the 85th time. I love you, too.” 

“I don’t want you to think that, like, I’m…trying to, you know…” 

“JT, I’m not jealous of the dancers, OK? This is literally their job, and they’re just doing it. Quite well, might I add.” 

“So, you won’t care if I get a dance?” 

“Who do you think picked the girl, stud?” she asked, running a hand slowly up his leg and stopping just shy of his dick. “Besides, I think it might be kinda hot to watch another girl grind all over you knowing I’m the lucky one who gets to take you home and ride that beautiful cock.” 

“Help my fuck,” JT moaned, his dick thickening at the very thought of it. He reached across her lap to tap Ryker, who was deep in thought about why some quasars give off radio waves. “You good, Nerd?” 

“I’m already at home watching my pot pie rotate in the microwave,” he responded with a wink. “But I’m glad you’re having fun.” 

At that moment, Carter returned with Destiny and pointed to JT. “That’s the birthday boy, right there.” 

She flipped her long, blonde extensions over her right shoulder and strolled to JT, having a seat on the opposite side of him from Audrey. Her heavy makeup and exaggerated eyelashes made it difficult to tell her age, but JT pegged her to be in her late 20’s or early 30’s at most. 

Her body was beautiful; a natural C cup with plenty of bounce, an ample, round ass, and toned obliques all sparkling with glitter. Even though it was obvious she’d been pregnant by stretch marks and the bit of loose skin on her lower belly, the realness made her that much more attractive in JT’s eyes. 

She struck up a conversation with him, asking if Audrey was his girlfriend and raving about how gorgeous she was, then asking if she wanted to join in or watch. He thought her mind was going to explode when he informed her that Ryker was also his boyfriend and that he’d be joining them in the private room as well.

“Wow, this is like Christmas,” she joked, grabbing JT by the hand and pulling him up off the couch. “Follow me, beautiful,” she crooned, then motioned to Ryker and Audrey to join. They walked behind as she led JT to the private dance room and past the cheers and whistles of several of JT and Ryker’s teammates. 

“I sincerely hope they wash these couches. They’ve seen so much flappage,” Ryker said to Audrey, who laughed so hard she snorted. 

“Flappage. You fucking kill me, Ryk.” 

Once inside the dark room, which was heavily guarded by bouncers, Destiny led them over to an unoccupied stall which was partially curtained off from the rest of the room and had JT take a seat on the U-shaped leather sofa, while Audrey and Ryker sat on either side of him. “So, your boys paid for an eight-minute dance for you, which will be three songs. And, kid: it’s just a dance. I don’t offer any ‘extras’, but you can touch me if you want, just keep it above the waist. I mean, if it’s OK with them, of course.” 

Ryker shrugged. “Knock yourself out.”

JT looked at Audrey, who was already turned on at the thought of watching this beautiful woman make her man squirm. She gulped. “It’s…fine.” 

The music for the first song began playing, which was some sort of unintelligible mumble rap with a slow, sensual beat, and she started on the floor on her knees. She ran her hands up JT’s shins, over his knees, then to his thighs, pushing his legs apart and placing her face right in his crotch. 

“Wow, OK, just…going right up in there,” Ryker commented quietly, watching as the dancer slid herself up off the floor, pressed her body against his boyfriend’s, and climbed into his lap. With a knee planted on either side of his thighs, she reached both hands around the back of his neck and began grinding herself all over his dick. She threw her head back, her tits bouncing directly in his face as she rolled her hips slowly into his over and over again, causing him to moan. 

He peeked over at Audrey, whose mouth hung slightly open as she watched the fully naked dancer dry hump her boyfriend. “Touch her,” she mouthed to him, shifting in her seat, uncrossing and recrossing her legs as she noticed the sudden, warm wetness between them. 

“I love you,” he mouthed to her before sliding his hands up the side of Destiny’s ribcage, then bringing them tentatively to her breasts. He began by just rubbing and cupping them gently, but the more he touched her, the harder she humped him. And the harder she humped him, the harder his dick got, and the harder he squeezed them. 

She brought her hands to his head, running her long fingernails through his hair and massaging his scalp while she continued to grind all over him. Leaning into his ear, she whispered, “You can kiss them if you want, gorgeous.” 

As much as he wanted to, it wasn’t something he felt comfortable doing. “Nah, I’m good. Turn around, though. Work that ass on me.” 

“You got it, baby.” She stood up and flipped herself around, Ryker and Audrey both gawking at the gigantic tent their boyfriend was pitching and the wet spots on his pants, unsure as to who’d left which.

“We’re just gonna…burn those pants,” Ryker muttered, adjusting his own hard-on and realizing he was bricked the fuck up from watching JT being teased. 

JT reached around to her tits and gripped them while she ground her ass against his dick, starting to lose himself a little to the feeling and lifting his hips slightly to meet her ass. Knowing he was going to have a giant mess in his pants if he let this continue, he pulled his hands away from her body and reached one over to Audrey and one over to Ryker. Each of them held onto his hand, both panting as they watched her move in his lap. 

The first song ended, and she got up, turning around to face him again as the second song began. She stood before him for a bit, writhing and running her hands up and down her body before leaning into him. She placed a hand on either side of his hips, bent down into his chest, and at the exact moment she went to dramatically flip her hair, JT tilted his head down and the top of her head cracked him directly in the nose. 

“Fuck!” he yelled, as she immediately jumped off his lap just in time to see blood gushing down his face and running onto his white polo shirt. 

“Oh, my God! I’m so sorry!” she cried, covering her mouth as two of the bouncers made their way over to see what was going on. 

“That is…unfortunate,” Ryker observed, as Audrey reached into her purse and pulled out a wad of napkins, jamming them under JT’s nose to try to stop the bleeding. The scene was devolving into absolute chaos, as patrons and other dancers came to see what the hell was happening. Soon after, a bartender rushed over to their booth with an ice pack and handed it to Audrey, who brought it to JT’s face. 

“Ah, shit, that’s cold!” JT complained, trying to push her hand away. 

“It’s ice, JT. Of course it’s cold. You need to keep it there, baby. It’ll keep the swelling down.” 

“I’m really sorry,” Destiny said, mortified and shaking her head. “I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s all good,” JT said, muffled from behind the ice pack. “I’m a hockey player. Been hit in the nose more times than I can count. Never…quite like this, though.” 

“I mean, I can keep going if you want,” Destiny offered, as JT hemorrhaged all over his shirt. 

“I think we’re done here,” Audrey said, as they all stood up. “You did a phenomenal job, though. Seriously. That was really hot, until…you know.” 

The three exited the private dance room and did the walk of shame back through the main club, where everyone’s eyes were glued to JT, covered in blood and holding an ice pack to his face. 

“This isn’t embarrassing at all,” he muttered, making his way through the lounge and passing by D’Angelo and Macklin, who were both getting cozy with a couple of the girls on a couch. 

“Holy shit. He really is a redshirt now!” Macklin yelled, pointing at JT and standing. “What the fuck happened, Red?” 

“Did you assholes pay extra for the nosebleed?” 

“Definitely not. I mean, I tried to pay for a handy or a hot dog, but she wasn’t having any of it. Yo, seriously, are you good?” 

“I think we’re gonna head out,” Ryker chimed in, slipping an arm around JT’s waist. “Any chance you guys are ready to roll, or should we call an Uber?” 

“Um, I mean…I was gonna get a dance real quick, but…whatever. Half the guys got booted already, anyway. We can bounce if you want.” 

He went to retrieve D’Angelo, who proceeded to argue with him about how Bunny was the “love of his life” and that he needed to stay for her. Eventually, he was able to pry the inebriated captain away from the dancer and they all made their way outside to board the party bus back to Pegula. 

As they got on, tiptoeing past the group of guys who were passed out drunk on top of each other and snoring, they made their way to the back of the bus and sat where they’d sat on the ride there. “Here, lemme see, Jacob,” Audrey said, removing the ice pack. JT winced as she examined him. “It doesn’t look broken, but both of your eyes are already starting to swell. You need to keep ice on it for the ride home.”

Ryker reached into the cooler, scooping up a fresh batch of ice cubes and, looking around, found a plastic shopping bag in which to put them. He tied it off and handed it to JT, who replaced the ice pack with it, then lay down with his head on Audrey’s lap and his legs up on Ryker’s. “Hell of a night, huh, Banner?” 

“You’re not kidding,” he replied, his voice muffled from the ice pressed against his face as Audrey played with his hair and Ryker rubbed his shins. “I’ve never gone from being so horny to being in so much pain in such a short amount of time. My adrenal glands don’t know what the fuck to do right now.” 

“Well, you handled it like a trooper, baby,” Ryker told him, as Audrey’s text notification went off again. She checked it quickly, turned her phone off, then went back to running her fingers through JT’s hair. 

“Who’s texting you? Everything OK?” JT asked, looking up at her. 

She gave him half a smile. “Everything’s fine, Jacob.” 

“Anyway,” Ryker continued. “That girl was working hard as hell for you. I’m not even gonna lie. It was…kinda hot.” 

‘Yeah?” JT asked.

“Yeah, I mean, up until the part where you bled all over yourself. That wasn’t hot. But watching you get teased and turned on like that?” Ryker nodded, licking his lips. “That I’m down with.” 

“I wanted you both there,” he asserted, looking back and forth between them. “I wouldn’t have done it if you both weren’t there. For me, that’s the part that made it so hot, knowing you were both watching me. It had very little to do with her and everything to do with you guys. And, like, it got me thinking…” 

“Uh oh. That’s usually dangerous,” Ryker teased. 

“Stop,” JT said, sitting up and removing the ice from his nose and turning toward Audrey. “I’m serious. Remember when you asked me what I wanted for my birthday?”

She nodded, glancing at Ryker, pretty sure of where this was going. “I do.”  

“Well, I know what I want.” 

“And what’s that?” Ryker asked. 

“Both of you, tonight. Together.” 

Ryker and Audrey looked at each other for a moment, then shrugged. “Whatever you want, birthday boy,” Audrey finally replied. 

“Yeah?” JT asked, excitedly, looking over at Ryker, who had poured himself the rest of the cheap champagne and was throwing it back. “Nerd?” 

He nodded. “I’m drunk enough, I think. As long as that shirt and those pants never see the light of day again, we can do whatever the fuck you want to, baby.” 

JT couldn’t help the excitement that was rising within him, as what he’d been fantasizing about for months was potentially about to become a reality. 

Don’t fuck this up, DiMara. 

Hey, so, Thanks for Ruining Noodles for Me (21) 

The ride from Pegula back to Audrey’s apartment was quiet, minus the two large boys groaning about having to cram themselves into the small Honda Civic. 

“You know they make bigger cars, right?” JT bitched, sliding the seat as far back as it would go, slamming into Ryker’s knees and causing him to yelp. 

“You know you can get out and walk if you want, right?” she shot back. “I get what I can afford, stud.”

The ride in the elevator up to Audrey’s apartment was silent, none of them knowing what to say, all of them mulling over what was about to happen. 

She unlocked her front door, opened it for both of them to enter, then closed and locked it behind them. Kicking off her heels, she went into the kitchen cabinet, grabbed a bottle of bourbon and three glasses, and poured a shot for each of them. JT was busy stripping out of his sullied clothing next to her bed, and Ryker had gone to the bathroom. 

They both joined JT at the same time in the living area, who was now down to only his briefs and socks. Audrey handed each of the boys the drinks she’d poured. “I figured this would help calm some nerves, take the edge off a bit.” She raised her glass, clinking it with each of theirs, and they all tossed it back, both boys grimacing. 

“I still don’t know how you drink this shit,” JT said, setting the glass down on her nightstand. 

“Because I’m old, JT,” she said, as she flipped on the blue LED lights she’d hung around the perimeter of her room and turned off the main light to help set the mood a little. “I’ve moved on from Natty Ice. Old bitches drink whiskey.” 

JT sat down on the edge of the bed and pointed one index finger at Audrey and the other at Ryker before flipping his hands upside down and motioning both of them to come join him on the bed. 

Ryker disrobed down to his boxers and socks in record time, and Audrey, unable to move, watched carefully as he placed himself right next to JT. “Hey,” he whispered, as JT reached both hands up to the sides of his face and pulled their lips together, wincing as their noses bumped. “Shit, I’m sorry, baby,” Ryker said softly, before going back in. 

The kiss started out slow, their lips moving tentatively against each other before parting and allowing their tongues to play. Ryker’s hands found their way to JT’s chest, running up and down it lightly as they deepened the kiss, moaning slightly into each other’s mouths. 

Audrey looked on as her boyfriend took Ryker’s bottom lip between his teeth, the same way she’d always done to him, and while she couldn’t deny that it was hot, she couldn’t get over how stunningly beautiful these two young men were together. There was nothing awkward or clumsy about the way they moved with each other. 

Their hands, their lips, their eyes, their breath. 

Every single part of them was on the exact same page, a seemingly choreographed dance that both of them had rehearsed to perfection. She could feel the love between the boys; it filled the room and commanded the attention of everything and everyone in it.  

It was something that, at that moment, she realized she desperately wanted, but that she’d never had with anyone. A sudden jealousy washed over her, causing her to question if she should just leave and give them fully to each other. 

As if he’d sensed it, JT broke away from Ryker and turned his attention on her. He patted the opposite side of the bed. “Join us, gorgeous. I want you here, too.” 

Fueled by desire and envy mixed with liquid courage, she reached to the hem of her tight white dress and slowly peeled it up over her head, revealing her white thong and bare, ample breasts. 

Who the fuck are you right now? she thought, smiling at the fact that the Audrey of two months ago would have chosen death by wood chipper before standing almost completely naked in front of not one, but two men. 

Eating in front of other people. 

Drinking alcohol in moderation. 

Wearing clothing that showed off her body. 

Feeling comfortable in her own skin. 

She knew she’d always have to actively battle her eating disorder, that she would have good days and bad days, and that she wasn’t magically “fixed.” 

But she also knew at that moment that she was, in fact, winning the battle. 

Thank God for therapy. 

And for JT DiMara’s support. 

She sauntered over to the side of the bed, JT reaching a hand to her ass and pulling her into him. He looked up at her. “Sit. Play with us.” 

“You two are just amazing together,” she said, as she took her spot on the bed, his hand wrapping around her waist. “Not that I would expect anything different. I feel like I’m…interrupting.” 

At that moment, Ryker reached a hand across JT’s lap and placed it gently on her thigh, taking her by surprise. “You’re not interrupting anything. He’s ours to share.” He pulled his hand back, realizing he hadn’t asked her permission to touch her. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to...I just wanted you to know that I want you here.”

Liquid courage taking charge again, she reached across JT’s lap, grabbed Ryker’s hand, and put it back on her thigh. “You can touch me if you want, Ryk. I mean, I know you’re gay, but…I’m just saying I’m not opposed to it, if you feel like you might wanna experiment a little.” 

“Uh, that makes two of us,” JT chimed in, wrapping his other arm around Ryker’s waist and leaning in to kiss Audrey. 

She loved the way his lips tasted after kissing Ryker. She’d never been in a threesome, and the thought of it had terrified and turned her on at the same time. Her tongue moved slowly against JT’s, caressing it the way it always had before, and she couldn’t help but compare the way he kissed her to the way he kissed Ryker.

Does it feel better kissing Ryker than kissing you? 

Does he think about Ryker while he’s kissing you? 

Why are the two of them so much more in sync than the two of you? 

She made it a point to immediately combat the jealousy as it crept into her brain. 

Stop it. He’s with you both for a reason. Just enjoy the ride. 

“So,” she said, breaking the kiss, strings of saliva stretching between their lips as they pulled apart. “What do you want, birthday boy? You’ve got us both here. Now what?” 

“I’m glad you asked,” he responded. Unsure where to focus his attention, he turned toward Ryker and kissed him briefly again, moving his hand up to the back of his neck, then repeated the sequence with Audrey. As he pulled his mouth from hers, he gently pushed their heads forward, bringing them nose to nose. “Kiss him.” 

“JT, are you sure?” she asked cautiously. “I think this is against the rules.” 

JT nodded. “I’m sure. This is our game. We make the rules, Aud. No one else.” 

“I just don’t want it to get all weird between us,” Ryker said, looking over at JT before taking a mental inventory of their entire situation up to and including this moment. “I mean, I don’t know how much weirder it can get, actually. But…” 

He was silenced by Audrey’s lips against his own, her hand reaching for his as they interlaced their fingers, neither of them really sure what to do next. Finally, he threw caution to the wind and parted his lips, welcoming her tongue inside his mouth and lapping lazily at it with his own. 

While kissing her didn’t really do anything for him, the little noises that his boyfriend was making as he watched from the front row did, and that gave him the motivation to kick it up a notch. His hand still entangled with hers, he wiggled their fingers apart and lifted it to one of her bare breasts, squeezing gently and then rolling her nipple between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Ryk. Fuck,” she moaned into his mouth, pressing hers harder into it and sliding her hand to JT’s hard cock, which had already leaked through his underwear. She worked it free from the fly, smeared some of his precum around the head, and began jerking him off with short, quick pumps. 

“Fuuuck, this is so fucking hot,” JT whimpered, using his free hand to break them apart, then standing up. “Get on the floor for me,” he ordered, pointing, as he quickly shed his briefs and kicked them aside. Ryker and Audrey both did as they were told, and JT stopped for a moment to admire the scene before him: the two most beautiful people he’d ever seen, nearly naked and on their knees for him. It was almost too much for him to handle, and he took a few deep breaths so he didn’t blow his load right then and there. 

“Tell me what you want, baby,” Ryker said, staring up at him and opening his mouth wide, to which JT responded by grabbing two fistfuls of his hair and shoving his throbbing cock all the way inside. 

Ryker’s lips pressed against JT’s pubes as he swallowed him all the way down and looked up to lock eyes with him. “Mmm, you take my cock so good, baby. You gonna let me fuck that throat?” 

Ryker nodded, JT moaning at the sensation of it. 

JT began slowly thrusting in and out of his mouth as Audrey looked on, awestruck by the sight before her. “Holy shit, Ryk. That’s fucking impressive.” Not wanting to interrupt the amazing head he was getting but wanting to join the fun herself, she crawled over to her nightstand drawer, retrieved their new toy and a bottle of lube, and prepped it before crawling back over to them. 

She reached a hand up to JT’s ass and he spread his legs for her, moaning as she began to work the lubed plug into his hole. She wiggled it around until it was in a comfortable position, angling it so it would lay right against his spot, before turning it on to the third setting, which was JT’s favorite. Audrey smiled as he began moaning wildly and fucked into Ryker’s mouth faster, his knees almost buckling several times from the intensity of the pleasure he was receiving. “That feel good, College Boy?” 

“Fuck yeah. Oh, fuck yeah,” he whimpered, as Audrey moved over so she could lick and suck on the base of JT’s length every time it left his boyfriend’s mouth. The two worked his cock together for a bit, Ryker eventually backing off and letting Audrey take over, JT grabbing a fistful of her hair with one of his hands and slamming his hips into her face, causing her to gag a little and her eyes to water. 

Holding both of their heads in place, he alternated between their mouths, fucking into Ryker’s for a few pumps, then removing his cock and fucking into Audrey’s for a few, spit dripping down both their chins as they took turns sucking him off. The vibration of the plug against his prostate had him right on the edge, and he wasn’t gonna last much longer. Immediately, he stopped, letting go of them and reaching around to remove the plug. 

“What’s the matter?” Audrey asked, standing up and extending a hand to pull Ryker to his feet as well. 

“I don’t wanna go yet,” JT panted, heading to the nightstand and grabbing two condoms and the lube. He kept one for himself, then tossed the other and the bottle to his boyfriend. “Lay down,” he instructed his girlfriend, tearing the condom open with his teeth as she positioned herself on her back. He rolled it down his length, then climbed onto the bed, lowering his face between her legs, careful not to make too much contact with his nose. 

Pushing her damp thong to the side with two fingers, he dove into her pussy and began licking wildly, circling his tongue against her clit and nibbling lightly as she bucked her hips against his face. “Jacob, fuck,” she moaned, her eyes laser focused on Ryker’s surprisingly large uncut dick as he rolled the other condom onto it. 

Audrey watched as, without missing a beat, just Ryker’s fingertips on JT’s hips caused him to pop his ass into the air so his boyfriend could tongue his hole while he ate her out. This caused him to lick her faster and harder, which proved to be too much to handle. “Jacob,” she whimpered, her legs shaking while he tongue fucked her through her orgasm, then pulled his face from between her legs abruptly. 

As though choreographed yet again, within seconds, JT had shoved his cock inside his girlfriend’s pussy while his boyfriend had lubed up and entered his ass. They took a moment to adjust, Ryker leaning back on his calves so all of their weight wasn’t on top of Audrey. Once they were positioned, Ryker’s hands firmly gripping JT’s shoulders, he began fucking into him, pushing JT’s hips forward into his girlfriend’s as the sounds of their moans and the bed frame creaking filled the small apartment. 

She raised both her legs and wrapped them around Ryker’s ass, then buried her hands in JT’s hair and pulled as he slammed his hips into her, his hands squeezing her tits as they bounced with the motion of his and Ryker’s thrusts. She watched as Ryker leaned into JT's neck and kissed it, then whispered something in his ear, to which JT nodded rapidly. 

Ryker backed out of JT and stood up, JT remaining inside Audrey as she threw her legs up on his shoulders so he could fuck her deeper. Ryker tore the condom off, tossed it onto the floor, and climbed onto the bed. Sitting up on his knees next to Audrey’s chest, he took his cock in his hand and turned to his boyfriend. “Tell me when, baby.” 

Audrey could feel JT tensing up and knew he was about to cum. He pulled out of her, removed the condom, and threw it on the floor before climbing up her body and positioning his dick over her chest. “Smash those big ass tits together for us, baby,” he ordered, and squeezed them together just as both boys aimed their cocks at them, coating them with their thick, hot release. “Oh, shit,” she whimpered, her eyes darting back and forth between their pulsing dicks and their O faces. 

Ryker kissed JT quickly before exiting the bed and promptly returning with a damp towel, with which he proceeded to thoroughly wipe Audrey’s breasts clean. “Not trying to be fresh, I promise.” 

She laughed, as JT got off the bed and reached for his underwear. “Um, Ryk? You just jacked a hot load onto my tits. I feel like we’re kinda past that point.” 

“Duly noted,” he said quietly, walking the towel to her hamper and tossing it inside. 

“Did you know the word ‘bukkake’ originally referred to a Japanese cold noodle dish?” JT offered, before chugging a bottle of water he’d since grabbed from the kitchen. 

Both Audrey and Ryker, who were lying next to each other on the bed, just stared blankly at him. 

“Hey, so, thanks for ruining noodles for me,” Ryker finally said, as JT slid himself onto the other side of him and the three lay on the bed together in various states of undress, both Audrey and JT draping their arms across Ryker’s stomach. He turned his head to face her. “Also, I hope that was…OK. I feel like I maybe should’ve asked.” 

“You’re good, baby.” She kissed him on the cheek, and he nodded. “Also,” she added, tracing the outline of Ryker’s ripped midsection with her fingers, “your abs are something out of a fucking magazine. They’re seriously unbelievable.” 

“Aren’t they?” JT chimed in, beginning to trace them with his fingers as well. “And this fucker doesn’t believe in shirts. I’ve never jacked off so much in my life as I did the first two weeks living with this kid, watching him parade around half naked looking like a Greek god.” 

“Well, my mom was half Greek, so that checks out. The amazing thing was the length of time it took him to realize it was an invitation. He could’ve had me on my knees for him within 10 minutes of unpacking his bags, even though he was kind of a douche the first time we met.” Ryker grabbed JT’s hand and brought it up to his face to kiss it. 

“Slut,” JT teased.

“You know it.”

“How’d it happen, anyway?” Audrey asked, sitting up and grabbing a blanket from the foot of her bed, which Ryker quickly sat up and helped to unfurl so she could cover herself. “Thank you. I mean, our first time was on a rock in the middle of a hiking path in a state park. How did you two first hook up?” 

“We came back from partying at the house and a certain drunk roommate started asking me all sorts of questions about how I knew I was into guys. Next thing I knew, he’d crawled into bed with me and I was teaching him how to suck a dick.” 

“Well, either he’s a hell of a student or you’re a hell of a teacher, because damn, this boy can swallow a cock,” Audrey said with a yawn. “Alright, it’s way past my bedtime. You two are welcome to continue the party, but I’m going to sleep.” She stood up and walked over to her dresser to grab a T-shirt and a pair of shorts to sleep in, then the three took turns using the bathroom to get cleaned up. 

She was the last to go, and when she returned to the bed, JT and Ryker sat there in their underwear, awkwardly staring at her. “What?” 

“So, sleeping arrangements?” Ryker asked nervously. “I don’t wanna…impose on anything.” 

“For real?” She pulled back the covers and motioned to her bed. “Shut up and get in, please, so I can turn off the lights.” 

Ryker climbed in first, followed by JT, then Audrey. Ryker was on his side, an arm draped over JT’s hip, and JT was on his side, his hand on Audrey’s thigh. 

“Thanks for the best birthday ever.” 

“Of course, stud,” she said, as she reached over to the nightstand, turned on her phone, and sighed before turning it back off. 

In addition to the four missed calls and 13 messages from earlier this evening, there were now six new missed calls and 27 new texts. 

All of them from Evan Verdano. 

And what was even worse? 

She actually wanted to hear what he had to say.  

You’re a Shittier Version of Daisy Buchanan (22) 

New Year’s Day

R: Should be getting in around 9ish tonight. Miss you. 

J: See you then. Gonna head over to Aud’s for a bit. Miss you too.   

The brief holiday break had flown by, much to JT’s delight, as being away from Audrey and Ryker for that long was excruciating for him. Classes didn’t start back up for another week, but the D1 athletes always came back early due to practices, the hockey team’s first one being the next morning. 

Ryker had headed home to Ohio to spend Christmas with his dad and sister, and had spent the majority of his trip dodging questions from his father about the girls he’d been hooking up with at college. 

“Ryk, you still haven’t told him?” Raeann asked him one night while they hung out talking at the kitchen table after their dad had gone to sleep. 

“Clearly, I have not.” 

“You really should just tell him. He’s kind of a boob, but he’s not gonna care. I promise you,” his sister assured him. 

“I will. Someday.”

Audrey had gone back to Kearney for a very brief visit with her parents. She’d never gotten along well with her mother, though, and since this trip was no exception, she’d returned to State College after only three days of being home. 

JT had begged her to come down to Tampa and spend the rest of the break with him, Ryan, and Ty, even having offered to pay for her flight, but she’d declined. 

“I can’t ask you to do that, stud. Besides, I have plenty of prep work to do for next semester’s classes. I’ll see you soon, OK?” 

And, aside from a few text exchanges here and there mixed with brief conversations on Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve, they really hadn’t spoken that much over the break. 

He’d texted her last night in a bit of a panic, his brain beginning to spiral into dangerous territory. 

What if she’s losing interest?  

What if you guys are drifting apart? 

What if she finally realized what a complete, piece of shit loser you are and is done with your dusty ass? 

J: We OK? You seem distant. 

A: We’re fine, Jacob. I love you. 

And that was the last they’d spoken. JT had spent most of his time over break helping out at Ryler. There was a massive clinic the day after Christmas and Ty needed him to work on some stickhandling drills with the 14u defensemen. 

“You gonna be able to see, kid? Look at your fuckin’ eyes. Someone finally get tired of your mouth and beat your ass?” Ty had asked upon picking him up at the airport. 

“Nah. I can’t even believe I’m saying this out loud right now, but a stripper accidentally headbutted me in the nose while I was getting a dance.” 

“Wow, that is…not what I was expecting you to say,” Ryan had responded, lifting a hand to JT’s chin and tilting his head from side to side, checking out the damage. “Doesn’t look broken. Hope it was at least a good dance.” 

“Oh, it was top tier. You know, up until I bled all over myself.” 

Though it’d been bittersweet, one of JT’s favorite moments from the break was when he’d finally gotten to meet Lauren Kadin-Jaros, her new husband, Radko, and her two sons, Adam, 14, and Peter, 12. When Ryler had first opened, Ty had called Lauren to let her know that any time they wanted to come, they were more than welcome. Since they’d been in Florida visiting TK’s family for the holiday, they made it a point to stop by and finally see the arena.

As soon as Ty spotted the boys, he’d immediately latched onto them and wept, as holding them was akin to holding a piece of his good friend again. He’d proudly taken them into Kadin Memorial Rink and shown them the picture and plaque that honored their father there, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the entire place. 

“You know, you’ve probably heard people say a lot of things about your dad, but most of it’s bull. Your dad was one of the finest people I’ve ever met. He had the biggest fuckin’ heart...sorry, the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. He helped save my life. I just…wish I could’ve done the same for him.” 

Lauren wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. “You did everything you could for him, Hayes. We all did. Trav was his own worst enemy. You know that. He only ever had the kindest things to say about you and Ryan. He really did love you, both of you.” 

“We loved him, too,” Ryan said, as he added one more blubbering mess to the hug. 

JT looked on, tears streaming down his face as he watched the boys wipe their eyes while staring at the picture of their daddy. 

The daddy they’d never gotten to know because drugs had taken his life before they were old enough to have even one decent memory of him. 

That in and of itself was fucked, but knowing how much it hurt to miss a parent, he understood and experienced their pain on the deepest of levels. 

He’d also been reunited with Tyson, which was a little awkward. After they’d made about thirty seconds of small talk, Tyson had propositioned him for sex, suggesting they “pick up where they’d left off” in August before JT had left for college. 

“As much as I’d love to, I, uh, can’t. I’m sorta spoken for at the moment.” 

“Oh. That’s cool, though,” Tyson had replied, trying to cover his disappointment. “Who’s the lucky guy? Or girl?” 

“Both, actually. One’s my teammate and roommate and the other is my English tutor. And yes, they know about each other. It’s…I’m really happy for once, actually.” 

“Well, then, I’m happy for you, JT,” he’d replied, eyeing up Matt as he walked past them on his skates toward Baylor Memorial, winking at Tyson. JT’s former teammate turned back toward him and nodded in Matt’s direction. “You, uh, think he’s gay?” 

JT had smirked. “Is the pope Catholic?”  

Back inside his dorm now, which was eerily silent due to the lack of music and yelling, JT tossed his bags onto his bed and checked his phone to see if anyone had texted him. 

And by anyone, he meant Audrey. 

Nothing.

He hadn’t told her when he’d be coming back from break, nor had she asked, but he decided that 10 days without seeing her was long enough. He threw a few necessities into his backpack, set up an Uber to her apartment, and took a few hits off his pen while he waited. 

He’d cut back a lot, almost to the point of not needing it at all, but right now, he couldn’t seem to get his mind to stop racing. He debated sending a quick text to let her know he was on his way, but ultimately decided to surprise her. 

Which, as it turned out, would prove to be a huge mistake. 

✽✽✽

“JT. Oh…my God. Hi,” Audrey stammered as she opened the door to her apartment to let him inside, followed by him wrapping his arms around her and squeezing. “What are you…what are you doing here? I didn’t think you were back yet.” 

“I wanted to surprise you,” he said, going in for a kiss, which she half-assedly returned. “I missed you like crazy and I couldn’t go another minute without seeing your beautiful face.” 

“You’ve been smoking,” she said matter-of-factly.

“A few puffs. I…my mind’s kinda been going crazy these past few days. I just needed a little bit to take the edge off. You, um, you look really pretty,” he told her, noticing that her makeup and hair were done, something that didn’t happen unless she was going somewhere or teaching. 

“Thanks,” she said, moving into the kitchen and busying herself by drying and putting away some dishes. 

“Did you go out somewhere tonight?” he asked, setting his bag down and having a seat at the counter. 

“I, uh…I mean, Jess and I went to grab some dinner, and I came back here. I’m actually not…I’m not feeling too hot. I was just about to lie down before you showed up.” 

“Aud, can you look at me?” he asked, feeling himself begin to get agitated, but doing his absolute best to keep it under control. “I haven’t seen you in, like, two weeks, you’re being distant as fuck, and you’re putting away dishes?” 

“JT, don’t…”

“Don’t what?” he asked, raising his voice and standing up. “I’ve been thinking about you nonstop, Audrey. We talked, like, twice the entire break. Did you even fucking miss me at all?” 

“Of course I missed you, JT. I just…don’t feel well…” 

“Bullshit,” he interrupted, inching closer to her. “I know you well enough to know when you’re lying to me. And right now, you’re lying to me.” He came within a few inches of her face and reached a hand out, taking one of hers into it. “I’m gonna ask you one more time. Aud, are we OK?” 

She avoided eye contact with him. “JT, I have to tell you something…” 

Here it comes.

She’s done with you. 

Realized that you’re a waste of her time and she’s out. 

JT closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths, and tried to push the negative talk from his mind. 

Maybe not. Maybe she really doesn’t feel well. Or maybe…maybe she’s sick. 

Oh, my God.

What if she’s fucking sick, like Mom was?

“JT, you’re shaking,” she observed, lifting a hand to the side of his face, which he promptly pushed away, then backed up. “Hey…” 

“Say whatever you have to say, OK? It’s obviously not something good, so just…fucking get on with it already!” he yelled, looking around and fidgeting with his hands. 

“Don’t raise your voice to me, JT,” she warned. “You can be upset, but you don’t get to yell at me.” 

“And you don’t get to string me along,” he said through gritted teeth. “So, what’s the big news, Ms. Winston?” 

“JT, you know I don’t like to be called that.” 

He shrugged, indifferently. “Then spill it.” 

“I’ve been talking to Evan again. Just…talking. Nothing else, I swear.” 

The anger beginning to rise in him, he crossed his arms and stared at her, his eye twitching and his leg starting to shake.

She continued. “He realizes that he fucked up with me and wanted to know if maybe…we could give things another shot.” 

He forced a smile. “Awww, how cute. So, you gonna go for it?” he mocked. “Get your perfect little pro hockey player boyfriend back, maybe start barfing up your food so he doesn’t leave you again because you’re too fat for him?” 

What the fuck are you saying right now? 

Get the fuck out of here before it gets worse. 

Go.

Abort.

His heartbeat thumping wildly in his ears, he snatched his bag up off the floor and took off toward the door, turning the doorknob several times but unable to open it because it was locked. He shook it aggressively, then pounded against the door with his fist. 

“JT, stop. Please.”

He fumbled with the lock, then threw the door open and stormed out and down the hallway, Audrey following right behind him. “Please what, Aud?” he called without turning around. “You fucking made your decision.” 

“What are you talking about?” she yelled, following him into the stairwell and trying to catch up to him as he made his way to the ground floor and out the front door of the lobby. “JT, stop!” she screamed, stopping him in his tracks on the sidewalk in front of the building. “Talk to me, baby.” 

He turned around slowly and moved toward her, poking a finger into her chest. “Don’t you dare call me ‘baby’ right now. Are you still in love with him?” 

“I love him, JT, yes.” 

“That’s not what I asked, Audrey. I asked if you’re still in love with him.” 

“Oh, so you can date other people, but I can’t, right? How is that fair?” 

“Answer the fucking question!” he yelled, backing away from her and running his fingers through his hair. “Are you still in love with him?” 

“It’s…stability, Jacob,” she admitted, defeated. “It’s fucking stability. I’m working two jobs and I can barely afford a studio apartment…” 

“Oh, you’re fucking unbelievable, woman,” he sneered, spinning in a circle, unsure of what to do with himself. He threw his backpack to the ground, took a deep breath, then nodded a few times. “You know, I’ve figured out why you like Gatsby so much. You…you’re fucking Daisy Buchanan. Just another pretty face that lacks any sort of depth. In love with money and ease, affectionate when it suits you, but completely incapable of loyalty. Isn’t that right?” 

Egged on by the look of shock on her face, he continued. “Yeah, what? Didn’t think the dumbass hockey boy was capable of character dialysis…fuck, I mean, analysis? I wrote a whole paper on that psychotic twat…well, I speeched-to-texted a whole paper on that psychotic twat, and guess what? That’s you, babe. That’s who you are. You’re a shittier version of Daisy Buchanan.” 

“How dare you?” she shouted, crossing her arms. 

He threw his arms up and shrugged. “I said what I said.” 

“I had no choice, JT. I had to at least hear him out after what he did for me…” 

“And what exactly did he do for you, besides leave you for a skinny chick and make you feel like shit about yourself to the point where you stopped eating?” 

“JT, he paid off my entire lease through the end of this year. He didn’t have to do that, but he did…”

He threw his head back, exaggerated a laugh, and clapped a few times. “You know, for someone so smart, you’re really stupid sometimes.” 

“Excuse me?”

“You thought that was him? You really think that piece of shit paid off your lease? That’s…that’s rich, Aud.” 

“What are you…”

“It was me!” he screamed, moving toward her as several people walking into the building stopped to watch, but moved on when JT made eye contact with them. “Yeah, that’s right. Keep walking.” 

“JT, what are you saying right now?” 

“I paid off your lease, Audrey! I took the two thousand I made from my sexual exploitation video and five G’s from my trust fund and I paid off your fucking lease so you could get a car. It was me, not him. Me. Because I love you that much that I couldn’t stand to watch you work so hard and struggle so bad.” 

He turned to walk away, but promptly came back. “And, for the record, sweetie? Do you have any idea how sick fucking loaded I am? My dead parents left me a shit ton of money. My dad was partial owner of a construction company, and my adopted dads were NHL players. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn't have to work a day in my life. You want stability, Daisy?” He turned both of his thumbs toward his own chest. “You’re looking at it.”

There wasn’t a word that existed in the English language that could adequately describe the look of shock on her face as she tried to process everything she was hearing. That look of shock, however, quickly morphed into a look of disgust. “You…had no right to do that, JT,” she said, tears running down her cheeks. “I am not your fucking charity case!” 

“Then why are you so eager to be his?” He approached her, arms extended, and even though everything in her told her not to, she threw herself into them. “I fucking love you, Audrey. I know I’m young, OK? But I’ve been forced to grow up way too fast. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I know it’s not perfect, but please stop fucking fighting me and just let me love you the way I know how to. Please.” 

The two of them stood sobbing in each other’s arms right there on the sidewalk for a few minutes, before Audrey pulled away, wiped her eyes, and spoke. “I see you with Ryker, Jacob. And believe me, I’m not jealous of him. I love Ryk. But he’s…your number one. And he’ll always be your number one. The two of you are perfect together, and I won’t ever have that with you, no matter how much I try. I just…I want to be someone’s number one, too.” 

“Audrey,” he said, tilting her head up with a hand under her chin. “It’s not like that. What I have with Ryker is what I have with Ryker. What I have with you is what I have with you. There are no ‘numbers’, babe. I love both of you. And I told you before, if you wanna date someone else, whatever. I can learn to deal with it. But, if you think for one second I’m gonna let you lower yourself back to that cheating piece of shit? You’re out of your fucking mind. You deserve better than that.” 

“Jacob…”

“Hey.”

A third voice took them by surprise, and both of them whipped around quickly to see Evan Verdano standing a mere 10 feet from them. “I, uh, forgot my wallet, so I…who’s this?” 

JT swaggered toward him, then looked at Audrey. “This Verdano?” he asked, staring into Evan’s soul. 

“That’s me. And you are?” 

“Audrey’s boyfriend, bitch. So, this motherfucker was here? In your apartment, Aud? Tonight?” 

“Sure was, bud.”

She came up behind JT, grabbing him around the waist and attempting to pull him back from Evan. “Don’t…” 

Evan scoffed. “Awww, the little boy’s jealous. That’s cute. And judging by the hockey hoodie, it looks like you’re just a cheap, imitation replacement, eh?” 

“Oh, yeah, totally. Yo, how’s the AHL? Heard you just couldn’t cut it in the show. It’s cool they can just send you right back there any time they want, even though you’re old as fuck. Guessing they’re not too concerned about waivers.” JT shrugged, narrowing his eyes. 

“Yeah, for sure,” Evan said, moving closer to JT, Audrey pulling him back. “Nah, the AHL’s good. The women definitely aren’t as hot though. Much, uh, lower standards.” He scanned Audrey up and down, then snickered. “Anyway, it’s cool. Enjoy my leftovers, bud. Aren’t you a little young for her, though? Lemme guess: some unresolved mommy issues?” 

DEFCON 1 had been activated. 

In record time, Evan was on the ground on his back, JT straddling his hips and raining punch after punch down on his face, alternating with which hand he struck him. Audrey’s panicked screams had attracted the attention of two older men nearby, who grabbed JT under his armpits and pulled him off Evan. 

But JT DiMara’s anger had already taken over, and once it took over, there wasn’t much anyone could do to stop it. He broke away from the men and lunged back at Evan, knocking him over again and kicking him several times in the stomach. 

A hand firmly on his shoulder caused him to pause, then close his eyes as she whispered in his ear, “4-7-8. Breathe with me, baby. Please?” The two completed the breathing exercise three times, then she removed her hand and backed slowly away from JT. 

“I’m gonna press charges, you piece of shit,” Evan coughed out, rolling himself onto his back and trying to sit up, wiping his face and noticing the blood. “There are cameras out here, and that’s called assault.” 

Emerging from the fog and officially freaked out, JT scanned his surroundings, wide-eyed and breathless, his knuckles torn open and covered in blood.

This had the potential to not only end his college career, but to land him some possible jail time as well. 

JT picked up his bag and ran as fast as he could back to Bigler Hall. 

Please let Nerd be there. 

Please.

Must’ve Been One of Them Dust Devils (23) 

When Ryker rounded the corner toward his room, he noticed Tanya, one of the RA’s, was standing outside his door with her phone in her hand. 

That’s not good.

“Hey, Tan. What’s going on?” he asked cautiously, as he approached the door and dropped two of his bags onto the floor while reaching into his pocket for his key. 

“Something…happened in there,” she told him. “There was a lot of yelling, a lot of banging, and JT won’t open the door. I was gonna call campus police…” 

“So, do you think you can hold off on that?” Ryker asked, beginning to panic. “Can I talk to him first before you do that? Please?” 

“Ryk, I legally have to report any disturbances. You know that...” 

“Yeah, but you don’t even know what happened. Let me…let me deal with it, OK? Please? I can handle him.” 

She rolled her eyes, then nodded. “Check in with me in 15 minutes or I’m calling.” 

“You got it,” he called to her as she began to walk away. “You’re cool as fuck, Tanya. Love you!” He stuck the key in the lock and turned the doorknob, flabbergasted by the scene before him. “Shit.” 

JT’s dresser was completely smashed, all the drawers having been pulled out and annihilated. His laptop was in several pieces on the floor, and his desk had been knocked over, all of its contents scattered throughout the room. 

All of Ryker’s things remained untouched. 

There was no sign of JT, but the bathroom door was closed. He turned the knob to open it, and, finding it was locked, knocked lightly. “Baby? Can you let me in please?” 

A few seconds later, Ryker heard a click and was able to open the door. He entered the small bathroom, where shards of glass lay in the sink from the mirror having been smashed. JT sat on the floor next to the toilet, his knees bent and his head buried in his arms on top of them. 

He looked up, his eyes puffy and red, as Ryker knelt down onto the floor beside him. “Careful. I think there’s some glass down here.” 

“I’m OK,” Ryker replied, wrapping his arms around JT, who instantly collapsed into them and broke down, his entire body shaking with the force of his sobs. “I’m here, baby. I’m right here.” 

Ryker allowed his boyfriend to cry for a bit, then remembered that he needed to check back in with Tanya. “Can you tell me what happened?” 

“I fucked up. Everything is fucked up. I ruined everything, just like I always do.” 

“They’re just things, Banner. Things can be replaced. Are you OK?” 

He shook his head.

“Did something happen with Audrey?” 

He nodded.

“Is she OK, JT? She’s not hurt, is she?” 

Again, he shook his head. 

He proceeded to tearfully tell Ryker about the fight with Audrey, about her talking to Evan again, and about how he beat the shit out of him. “This is it. I’m done. My career is over. I might as well pack my shit now.” 

“Nah, you messed up. It happens, but it’ll be OK. Things happen and…” 

“I’m never gonna change!” JT cried, rubbing his face. “And, like, I feel so fucking stupid. Here I thought I was making all this progress, thought I was getting better, thought I was healing. But I’m not. I’m just fucking…broken. I’m beyond broken and I’m always gonna be. I’m damaged goods, Ryk. You’re crazy if you stick around.” 

Ryker took his hand and squeezed it. “Then, I guess I’m crazy, because I’m not going anywhere. I love you, all of you, even the broken parts. You understand that?” 

“Ryk,” JT whimpered, as Ryker leaned in and kissed his forehead. “I’m sorry.” 

“I know that, baby. Come on, let’s try to get some of this cleaned up. For now…” 

They both paused as they heard loud rapping on their door, followed by, “University Police. Open up!” 

“Fuck,” Ryker muttered, standing up and pulling JT to his feet, who immediately collapsed forward onto him. “She said she’d wait for me to check in. Come on. It’s gonna be OK. Let’s just go talk to them. We have to.” 

The two exited the bathroom, climbing over the mess. JT had a seat on his bed and Ryker opened the door to find two officers standing there, one holding a piece of paper, with Tanya behind them. 

“Evening, gentlemen,” Ryker said, pulling the door open so they could come in, then shooting a look at Tanya. “What the fuck, Tan?” he whispered. “You said…” 

“Ryk, I didn’t call them. I swear. I was waiting for you when they showed up. They’re here to arrest him for some off-campus assault.” 

Shit.

“Jacob Tyler DiMara?” one of the officers asked, as they walked into the room and around the debris on the floor. JT raised his hand. “What, uh, what happened in here, man?” 

JT shrugged. “Must’ve been one of them dust devils,” he responded without missing a beat. “I’m guessing the fucker busted on in and just started tearing shit up.” 

Ryker looked over at JT, who winked, and had to press his lips together to keep from laughing at this situation that was anything but funny. 

No, this simple motherfucker did not just tell the police it was a damn dust devil. 

God, I love him so much. 

When JT realized that neither officer was amused, he took a deep breath and continued. “I, uh, lost my temper. I understand that this is vandalism and I fully intend to cooperate with you and to pay for everything I’ve destroyed.” 

“I’m glad to hear that, Jacob. However, that’s not why we’re here, though we’ll certainly note this and report it to the department of student housing. Unfortunately, you’re being charged with an assault that took place not too far from here about an hour ago. We’re working in conjunction with the State College Police Department and we have a warrant here for your arrest. We’re gonna need you to stand up, OK?” 

JT did as he was told. “Can we, like, forgo the bracelets? I’m not a threat. I promise.” 

“Unfortunately, for our own safety, we cannot do that. We’re gonna need you to turn around and put your hands behind your back.” 

He glanced at Ryker, whose bottom lip began to quiver as he watched them put the handcuffs on his boyfriend. “It’s OK, Ryk.” 

As the officers Mirandized JT, he rolled his eyes and mouthed the words along with them, having memorized them from hearing them so many times throughout his life. 

“Who do you want me to call?” Ryker asked, as the officers escorted JT out of the room. He was thankful that most students hadn’t returned from break yet so there wouldn’t be too many witnesses.

“Call Ty!” JT shouted back. “Get his number from Aud. I love you, Nerd.” 

✽✽✽

“Fuck, that felt so good, Rook,” Hayes moaned, sitting up off the bed after the killer back and neck massage to which his husband had just treated him. “You have magic fuckin’ hands, you know that?” 

“So I’ve been told. Wait here, OK? We’re not done.” Ryan said, kissing him on the cheek and disappearing to their bathroom.

“Shit. Alright,” Hayes said, grabbing a bottle of water from the nightstand and chugging it as he heard Ryan begin running the water to fill their four-person Jacuzzi. 

Things had somewhat returned back to normal for Hayes in terms of his issue. The combination of psychodynamic therapy and yoga had helped him reduce his stress levels to the point where he could, with some serious concentration and relaxation, get hard again. After what he and Ryan had dubbed the ‘Family Weekend Boner Debacle,’ he’d vowed to never touch another one of those pills again unless it got to a point where it was medically necessary. 

It was New Year’s Day, the arena was closed, and for the first time since they could remember, they were alone and had absolutely nothing to do. Having ordered some food and watched a couple movies, Ryan had suggested a massage and a soak in the hot tub to help them both keep this unusually stress-free evening going for as long as they could. 

As much as they loved the business, they couldn’t deny anymore that they were both in over their heads. The amount of time they’d spent there had really taken a toll on their mental health and their marriage, though they’d continued to fight wildly for one another through it all, just as they had since they were kids. 

Knowing the amount of good that Ryler Arena did for the community, and knowing how it’d been Hayes’s dream, neither of them were willing to even consider abandoning it. However, they were looking for someone with whom to become partners so that they could at least enjoy some of their retirement without the constant stress of dealing with every aspect of the business themselves.

Ryan appeared in the doorway of the bathroom, completely naked and beckoned his husband to join him, which he willingly did. As he entered, the lights were off and about 15 candles illuminated the dark room as a layer of black rose petals floated on top of the water. Ryan turned the jets on and they climbed inside, leaning back momentarily and just enjoying the warmth of the water and the noise of the bubbles. Hayes, remembering that his phone was still in the bedroom, thought briefly about going to get it, but talked himself out of it. 

“It’s OK to be unavailable sometimes,” he remembered his therapist telling him. “Sometimes, you just need to live in your moment.” 

He sighed, then floated across the Jacuzzi and leaned in to kiss his husband, who spread his legs and turned Hayes around so his back was lying flat against his chest, his arms quickly wrapping around the front of him. “I love you so much, Rook.” 

“Samesies,” Ryan replied, as the two just lay there with their eyes closed, soaking in all the peace of this moment. 

But, in true Tyler Hayes fashion, his brain had other plans. 

He couldn’t help but ruminate on something that had come up at his most recent therapy session, something about which he hadn’t even told Ryan. 

He’d been discussing JT, no surprise there, as JT was the topic of most of Hayes’s therapy sessions, and he’d somehow spiraled into the story of how he initially thought JT was his son. After having given his therapist the rundown on his and Ryan’s complicated relationship with Amara, he said something that shocked even himself. 

“I’m not sayin’ she lied, but, like, I always wonder if maybe she did.” 

“What do you mean? About the paternity test?” 

“Yeah.”

“Why would you think she lied?” 

“I don’t know, man. I was goin’ through a lot with my recovery. And there’s somethin’ she said to me the night I came to her house, right before I entered rehab, and, like, it never sat right with me, you know?” 

“What’d she say?”

“She said, ‘Tyler, you know I wouldn’t fuck up your career. You’re too young. I would never.’ And, like, why would she say that if he wasn’t…mine?”

“You know, there are ways to find out the truth, if you truly want to. A couple toothbrushes and you can have your answer in about a week.” 

“I know that. I just…I don’t know if I’m prepared for the stress that would put on Rook, or on JT, you know?” 

“And I understand that. I do. But what about the stress it’s putting on you, Hayes? Doesn’t that matter, too?” 

“Rook?” Hayes asked, snapping Ryan back to the present as he’d begun to nod off a bit. “Can I ask you somethin’?” 

“You just did.”

“Seriously.”

“Of course.”

“If you found out JT was actually my kid, would it change shit between us?” 

Ryan held his breath, then exhaled dramatically. “That is…not what I was expecting you to ask me right now.”

“Sorry. If twenty plus years has taught you anything, it’s that I’m just chock full of fuckin’ surprises, eh?” 

“That you are, Hayes. That you are.”

“So, would it?”

Ryan sighed, having known this day would come at some point. “Tyler, come on. You ever get a really good look at that kid’s eyes?” 

“Yep.”

“You ever heard the mouth on that kid?” 

Hayes smirked. “Sure have.” 

“Do you love him?” 

“More than anything in this fuckin’ world, besides you.” 

“Then…you already know. You already know, Tyler.” 

Hayes nodded, tears forming in his eyes. 

“And hell no. It doesn’t change a damn thing. If anything, it makes me love him that much more.” 

“Why would she have lied to me?”

“Because Hayes? Mar was broken, too. Just like you, just like me, just like the rest of the world. She wanted her life with Jake, and she wanted you to have your recovery and your life with me. It wasn’t malicious. Was it fucked up, maybe? Yeah. But there were no ill intentions. Amara McDonough didn’t have a mean bone in her body. She was a broken woman who was desperately trying to heal.

“And if I knew her like I think I knew her, she probably never even took a test at all. It was most likely something she did just so you wouldn’t have that weight on your shoulders. She…God, she really loved you, Hayes. That was always my biggest issue with her. I knew she’d never feel about me the way she felt about you, and I hated it. For a long time. But, Hayes, Amara would have done anything to protect you.” 

“I know. So, do I tell him?” 

“When the time is right, I think that’d probably be the fair thing to do, for both of you.” 

“How will I know when it’s right, Rook?” 

“He’ll let you know.” Ryan reached his hands up to Hayes’s hair and ran his fingers through it. “He’s good like that.” 

Instead of having sex, the two stayed in the hot tub, wrapped in each other’s arms until they looked like two wrinkled ass prunes and the water had run lukewarm. 

Hayes couldn’t describe it, but having that conversation with his husband had brought him a newfound sense of internal peace. He dried off, completed his nightly moisturizing routine, then headed back into the bedroom, fully prepared to have one of the best, most relaxing nights of sleep he’d had in a very long time. 

But all of that went to shit as soon as he checked his phone and saw that there were five missed calls and a single text message from Ryker McCreery. 

R: Ty, it’s Ryker. JT’s been arrested for assault. Please call me as soon as you can. 

That’s a Van I’m Definitely Getting Into (24) 

End of January

“Knock knock,” Jess said, as she entered Audrey’s apartment using her key and kicking the door the rest of the way open as she fumbled with the grocery tote. She walked into the kitchen, set it down, and peeked into the living area to find Audrey where she’d been pretty much since New Year’s Day: lying motionless in her bed. 

“What’s it gonna be today, babe? I got…” she said, pausing to check the contents of the bag, “peanut butter, carrots, guacamole, hummus, pita and tortilla chips. What’re you in the mood for?” 

“None of it,” Audrey monotoned, rolling over to face away from Jess.  

“Peanut butter it is. You need the calories. You’re shrinking away again, bestie.” 

And she was.

She’d shed almost 1o pounds since her fight with JT that had ended in his arrest for assaulting her ex-boyfriend. 

That night, things had gone from bad to worse to catastrophic in a matter of hours. 

Not only had Evan called the police after JT beat his ass, but the guilt that Audrey had felt because of it had caused her to make a decision that she’d done nothing but regret since. 

She’d shot off a single text message to Ryker that night, right after Evan had left her apartment. 

A: Tell JT I’m sorry, but I can’t see him anymore. He’ll need to find a new tutor. 

Ryker had begged her to reconsider, literally begged her, assuring her that this would blow over and that it wasn’t worth throwing away what they had. 

But she couldn’t do it. 

She was the one who caused JT to fight with Evan. 

She was the one who led to him losing his temper and trashing his dorm room. 

She was the one who’d broken his fragile heart. 

And that fragile heart? 

Deserved better.

Ryker had shown up to her apartment the very next day after practice to try and talk some sense into her. 

“You can’t do this to him. It’s not fair.” 

“Ryk, I’ve got a class in 10 minutes…”

“I can wait,” he’d said with a shrug, pushing himself inside the door, having a seat at the kitchen counter, and busting out his laptop, busying himself with going over his upcoming course syllabi while he waited.  

And as soon as she’d shut her laptop to end the class, he’d approached her. “Aud, you can’t do this. He needs you right now. He’s a wreck without you.” 

“It’s…for the best, Ryk. Really. What he doesn’t need is this distraction right now. He needs to focus on his classes so he can pass them and play next year, and he needs to focus on his relationship with his boyfriend, because we both know damn well that’s who he’s meant to be with.” 

For the first time ever, she’d seen Ryker McCreery get angry. 

And holy hell, was it hot. 

“Are you out of your fucking mind, Audrey?” he shouted, slamming his laptop closed and standing up, his glasses going cockeyed before he’d reached up to fix them. “Whether you wanna admit it or not, it’s the three of us, just like it has been from the beginning. Neither one of us is going anywhere, so you better fucking get used to it.”

He’d paused, apologized for being disrespectful to her, and continued. “He is falling apart without you. He can’t concentrate. He can’t study. He’s failing his English class, and miserably, I might add. He cries constantly, and do you wanna know why? It has nothing to do with him. He cries because he’s worried you’re back with that douchebag and that you’re gonna stop eating again and hurt yourself. And, if we’re being honest, so am I.” 

“Ryk, it’s not like that…” 

“Then what’s it like, Audrey? I…miss us. I miss you, I miss him. This is all…” His anger had taken a sudden turn as he’d unexpectedly burst into tears, with her immediately rushing to hug him. “This is all so fucked up, and I just want things to go back to the way they were.” 

“Please don’t cry, Ryk,” she’d said softly, rubbing his back. “I’ll…talk to him, OK?” 

“Promise?”

“I…promise.”

And that had been three weeks ago. 

Other than a quick check-in text every few days from Ryker, asking if she needed anything and reminding her to eat, she’d had no contact with either of them.

“Hey, come on. Nope,” Jess said, putting a hand on her shoulder and rolling her over to face her as she sat down on the bed with the sandwich. “Sit up.” 

Audrey rolled her eyes and propped herself up onto one elbow, her friend shoving the sandwich in her face. “Open,” she said softly, and Audrey reluctantly took a bite. They repeated this until half the sandwich was gone, Jess setting it down on the nightstand, then lying down next to her depressed friend and reaching a hand up to play with her hair. “Have there been any new developments?” 

Audrey sighed, defeated. “The assault case against him was dropped. Ev initially wanted to withdraw the charges, but in PA, they don’t allow victims to drop charges. So, when he refused any further cooperation with the prosecution, they dropped the case. I…I wasn’t expecting that at all, but he called me to let me know. I have no idea why. Just said it was something he felt compelled to do, whatever the fuck that means.”  

“Aud!” Jess exclaimed. “That’s fantastic. I mean, it sucks that he got arrested, but at least it won’t be on his record.” 

“That’s not entirely true. He still has to file a petition for expungement and pray the court grants it. It’s this whole ass legal process that, because of me, he now has to deal with. Not to mention, he also has to go to hearing for both the arrest and the destruction to his dorm, and there’s a good possibility that he could be suspended or even expelled. He’s not…” 

Audrey stopped, beginning to cry. “He’s not allowed to practice with the team until it all gets sorted out. I don’t know how any of this is affecting him and I hate it. I just wanna run to him and hug him, tell him everything is gonna be OK, but I don’t know if it is, Jess. He…this could really fuck him, and it’s all my fucking fault!” 

Jess wrapped her arms around her friend and allowed her to sob, knowing that nothing she could say would make this any better. 

Sometimes, the best thing you could do for someone was just be there to catch the tears they so desperately needed to shed. 

The two women lay there for a bit, when Audrey’s phone buzzed. “Want me to check it out?” Jess asked cautiously, to which Audrey gave her the green light. She previewed the text, put her hand over her heart, and read it aloud to her friend. 

R: Hey, just a quick update. He’s waiving his right to a hearing. Case manager said if he accepts responsibility and a proposed action plan, he has a better shot at staying on campus. We both miss you like fucking crazy, btw. Please come back to us (sobbing emoji) (broken heart emoji) 

“Fuck,” Audrey mumbled, grabbing the phone from Jess’s hand and reading the message about 75 more times. 

“You know what you have to do, right?”

She nodded. “Get back to my boys.” 

✽✽✽

“You swear there isn’t gonna be some dude in a white, windowless van trying to lure me inside with puppies or some shit?” JT asked, as he held his boyfriend’s hand on the walk to Pegula. “Although, I gotta admit, after the fucking month I’ve had, I’ll probably get in willingly.” 

Ryker smiled. “I promise,” he said, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. “I did see a van that had ‘free blowjobs’ on the side of it not too far from here, though, so…” 

“Well, fuck. That’s a van I’m definitely getting into,” JT teased, bumping into Ryker playfully as they walked. “Not that anyone sucks a dick better than you, Nerd.” 

“I learned from the best.” 

It was the first time JT had been out of his dorm room other than to go to his classes and therapy sessions in weeks, and Ryker couldn’t have been more excited for it. Due to his pending situation with the college, he was unable to practice with the team, but that didn’t stop the team from making sure they let him know they hadn’t forgotten him. 

They headed around to the back entrance of Pegula, LaFleur there to let them in since the building was currently closed and the front entrance was locked. “Gentlemen,” he said, holding the door open for them. “Please proceed to the changing area, if you would.” 

Ryker fist bumped LaFleur as they walked inside and made their way to the locker room. JT looked over curiously at his boyfriend. “What is this?” 

“You’ll see,” Ryker responded, squeezing his hand.

As they approached the room, there was music blasting, and the distinct smell of pizza hung in the air. Upon entering, JT found the entire team hanging out in plain clothes, most of them with their skates on. They’d set up a table with food, including pizza, wings, salad, and various alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages, which most guys were currently housing. 

“Seriously? How the fuck is all this pizza almost gone already?” Carter bitched, flipping over several empty pizza boxes and turning toward JT and Ryker. “Make sure you get the last few slices before all these animals devour it,” he said, slapping Macklin’s hand away when he tried to take his fourth one. “Outta here, vulture.” 

Still unsure what was happening, he focused his attention on his stall, where his skates had been placed neatly on the bench for him under a giant banner that read, “We’ve got you’re back, Redshirt!” which included a correction underneath that read, “*your” followed by, “PS: Macklin’s a dumbass.” 

“Baby?” Ryker asked, noticing that JT had dropped to his knees right where he’d been standing and buried his face in his hands, his body shaking from his sobs. 

Immediately, several of his teammates approached him, got down on the ground next to him, and patted his shoulders. 

“We’ve got you, man.” 

“You got this.”

“We love you so much, Red.” 

“We’re with you.”

“We miss you, kid.” 

After a few moments, Ryker pulled his boyfriend to his feet, and JT threw his arms around him, squeezing furiously and nuzzling into his neck. “Thank you,” he cried. 

“Don’t thank me,” he said, as JT pulled away from him. “This was all them, baby. Come on, grab something to eat and get your skates on so we can kick everyone’s ass at Sharks and Minnows.” 

“There are some really crappy people in this world, JT. Some of them are just awful. But there are some really amazing ones, too. So, when you find them, let them help you. And help them, too.” 

“I found them, Mom,” he said quietly, wiping away a few stray tears as Ryker turned to him and asked what he’d said. “Nothing. I’m just…really fucking happy right now.” 

After lacing up their skates and heading onto the ice, they had a blast playing relay games, smacking around a beach ball, and doing a mini skills competition, during which JT shocked everyone when he’d taken a slapshot that the team’s radar gun had clocked at 102.3 mph. 

“We need you ASAP, Red,” D’Angelo told him as they skated around together. “You’re gonna be such a beast next year.” 

“Yeah, if I’m even here next year,” he’d responded sadly, as the captain immediately grabbed him and held him in place. 

“Don’t talk like that. You’re gonna be here. Ryker talked to everyone and we’re gonna do whatever we have to do to support you. Me, Macklin, and Carter will all provide character witness statements for you if you need us to. Honestly, people have trashed their dorms before and haven’t gotten expelled. You’re gonna be fine.” 

“Yeah, but there’s the rumors about the video. Even though that was never really proven, like, everyone fucking knows it was me, man. Plus, I’ve got all that assault bullshit I have to deal with, too. They might think I’m a danger to other students or whatever.” 

“Nah. The case was dropped. So, you petition the court to have it expunged, pay some fees, and it goes away. No worries.” 

JT nodded. “And I appreciate your offer for the character witness statements, but I talked to my case manager and she said the University considers them irrelevant. I’m not going to hearing. I’m gonna accept responsibility for the assault and for the vandalism, take my punishment, and hope to God they let me stay. I, uh, I messed up, man. I really fucking messed up.” 

D’Angelo placed a hand on his shoulder. “Everyone messes up, Red. How long’s it been since you lost your temper like that?” 

“A while. It used to be all the time.” 

“See? You’re making progress. Progress doesn’t mean perfection. It means every day, you’re a little better than you were before. And when you fuck up and have a shit day? You reset the clock.” D’Angelo shrugged. “How’s the tutor thing going? Any of those names Carter gave you come through?” 

He shook his head sadly. “I tried talking to a few others, but, like, it didn’t work out. They didn’t really understand me the way…” He paused, tears filling his eyes. 

“You guys still haven’t talked?” 

“Nope,” he said, feeling himself beginning to get agitated. “She hasn’t even texted me. Nothing. I’m guessing she wants her space, so I’m giving it to her.” 

“I. uh, wouldn’t bet on that, Red.” 

“Yeah?” JT asked, kicking at a stray puck that had made its way over to where they were standing. “And why’s that?” 

D’Angelo lifted his hand and pointed to the stands behind the bench, where Audrey stood behind the glass, arms crossed and looking around uncomfortably. “It would appear…” 

But JT had already taken off toward the bench at full speed, coming to a stop and hopping over the boards into it as they spotted each other. His heart pounding and his stomach in knots, he motioned for her to stay there, then sat down and removed his skates in record time. Barefoot, he ran up the tunnel, grabbed onto the side railing, and pulled himself up into the stands, where they stood about 10 feet from each other. 

Neither moved.

“Hey,” Audrey finally said. “I hope it’s OK that I’m here. Ryk told me…” 

She was silenced by his lips crashing into hers as he wrapped her in his arms, allowing herself to melt completely into him. 

His kiss, his embrace, his everything. 

“Thank God!” Ryker’s voice echoed throughout the arena over the music that was playing on the Bluetooth speaker, and some cheers and clapping broke out immediately following. 

They finally pulled away from each other, both wiping their eyes. “I’m sorry…” they began simultaneously, with JT shaking his head. 

“I fucked up so bad, Aud.” 

“So did I, JT.” 

He grabbed her hands and caressed them slowly, grateful to feel her soft skin against his for the first time in almost a month. 

She continued. “I gave up on you when I promised I wouldn’t. I broke that promise, and I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t know what to do. It’s…it’s all my fault that you’re in trouble, and…” 

He reached a finger gently to her lips. “No. It’s my fault that I’m in trouble. Being angry doesn’t give me the right to put my hands on someone, even though he’s a dirtbag piece of shit who deserved it, and it doesn’t give me the right to trash my dorm. I’m responsible for my actions, Aud. Not you. Do you understand that?” 

She nodded.

They walked up a few rows and had a seat in the stands so they could catch up. “So, tell me what’s going on with the hearing.” 

JT raked a hand through his hair and exhaled, placing his hands on his knees. “I was given a written notice of my violation of the code of conduct regarding destruction of University property and I was assigned a case manager. Met with her the other day. I’m facing consequences for the assault and for the destruction of my room.” 

“Why the assault? That had nothing to do with the college!” 

“It’s in the code of conduct. It’s a liability for them to ignore off-campus arrests if they think it could have an impact on student safety. They work together with the local police departments and it all gets reported.” 

“That’s bullshit, JT. You’re not a threat to anyone’s safety. You’re doing…so much better.” 

“I mean, you and I know that, but they don’t. They’re just covering their asses. Anyway, my case manager suggested that my option is to waive the administrative conference and just accept responsibility. Ty agrees. I designated him as my support person, so he’s been involved with all the meetings and stuff so far.” 

“So, let me know what I can do to help. Can I write something up? Testify on your behalf? How do we fix this?” 

“We don’t. I thought the University might reach out to you for a witness statement, but my case manager said they just went off the initial police report, in which you were incredibly supportive of me, by the way, so thanks for that. Anyway, they don’t accept any sort of character witnesses. The only people they would accept statements from were Nerd and Dr. Namour, so we submitted those. I mean, what’s my defense, Aud? I fucking did it. All of it.” 

“Shit, JT.”

“Yup. The responsibility meeting is Tuesday. They’ll provide me with an action plan to get me ‘back on track.’ She really doesn’t think they’ll suspend or repel…I mean, expel me, but I will absolutely have to stay out of any further trouble. Aud, I can’t fucking so much as, like, fart in an elevator if there are people in it, or I’m done. Another bitch of it is that I also waive any opportunity to appeal. So, it’s really out of my hands at this point.” 

JT stopped fidgeting with his hands and looked over at Audrey, who was nodding slowly and taking it all in. She reached for his hand and took it between both of hers. “What do you need from me? How do I help you through this?” 

“You come back to me.” 

“I’m here, Jacob.”

“Oh, my God,” he said, leaning his head onto her shoulder. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed hearing you say my name.” 

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed saying it.” She turned her head and kissed the top of his. “Also, I wanna tutor you again. That is, if you want me to.” 

“Are you kidding? I’m fucking drowning, Aud. I mean, I think it’s more mental than anything else, but you really do help me. I’ll send you the course syllabus. I only have one English course this semester, rhet 2.” 

“Don’t bother. Ryker already sent it to me,” she said with a smile. 

“Of course he did.” 

“You know, Ty didn’t have to keep paying me for the past month while we weren’t working together. That was sweet of him, but he really didn’t have to.” 

JT stared at his hand in hers. “It…wasn’t Ty.” 

“JT…” she began, attempting to pull her hands away, but he moved his other on top of them to keep them there. 

“Aud? We talked about this. Let. Me. Help. You. OK?” 

Without making eye contact, she nodded. “OK. Hey, so, do you and Ryk wanna come over tonight? We can watch movies, then fall asleep when he inevitably starts rambling on about black holes.” 

JT smiled, then nodded. “That sounds perfect, actually. Oh, but make sure you let Evan know so he doesn’t show up again,” he teased, smacking her leg. “Terrible joke. Sorry.”  

She smacked his right back. “Well, I can’t because we’re done. After that night, I told him I didn’t ever want to see him again. But, when I found out he refused to cooperate and got the case dropped, I needed to know why. So, we met up for coffee…”

JT’s leg began to shake, and she placed her hand on it. “And?” he asked through gritted teeth. 

“And,” she said, rubbing his thigh, “he apologized. For everything. He admitted that he knew he was wrong for the way he’d treated me and that he’d started drinking heavily when he was up with the big club because he couldn’t handle the pressure…” 

“That’s not an excuse, Audrey.” 

“I didn’t say it was, Jacob. Anyway, when he saw you that night, he got jealous and he realized there was no saving this. Said he could tell by the way I looked at you that I…was in love, and that it was a look he’d never seen before.” 

His heart leapt a little at the confession. “None of this explains why he decided to help me out. My gut tells me that Ty had some sort of persuasive power behind all of this.”

“Absolutely not,” she assured him. “I initially thought the same thing. But Evan swears it had nothing to do with Ty. He's never even spoken to him.”

“Then why would he do it?”

“Because you’re just a kid, JT. A kid with anger issues who’s been through hell, a kid who reminded him way too much of his younger self. Evan was…he struggled with anger issues when he was younger. It was really bad. We broke up several times because of it. Anyway, he said he hopes this all works out and if you need anything else from him, like a statement or whatever, to let him know. He’s…sorry, JT. He’s just another broken person trying to find his way in this broken world.” 

“What about what he did to you, Aud? Did he apologize for that?” 

“Remember when you just told me that you’re responsible for your actions, JT? I’m responsible for mine, too. Evan didn’t do anything to me. I did. And I’m taking the proper steps to heal the damage I’ve done to myself, to learn how to treat me with a little more care and respect. 

“He…JT, he doesn’t even know about the eating disorder. I never told him. It’s none of his business. Anyway, we’re through. That was our last conversation. I have nothing left to say to him. We wished each other well, and honestly, I hope he’s able to get his shit together.” 

“Honestly, I hope he gets hit in the nuts by a slapshot,” JT muttered. “I mean, yeah. Hope he gets his shit together.” 

“Anyway,” she said, standing up and stretching her arms over her head. “Round up that dorky ass boyfriend of yours and let’s go home.” 

“Home?” JT asked curiously.

“Yes. I can finally call it that again, Jacob. Because without you and Ryk here these past few weeks, it’s felt like anything but.” 

Everything Is Gonna Be OK (25) 

Beginning of February

Responsibility Meeting Day

“Will you hold still?” A shirtless, sweatpants-clad Ryker scolded his boyfriend, trying to fix JT’s tie as he squirmed nervously. “All these years playing hockey and you still can’t tie a tie?”

“When’s the last fucking time you’ve seen me in a tie?” 

“Um, never.”

“Exactly.”

“There. Much better. Now it doesn’t look like it was made for a toddler. Also, you probably don’t even need to wear a suit and tie to this thing.”

JT kissed Ryker on the forehead before turning away, taking a few deep breaths, and shaking out his hands. “Yeah, well. I figured I might as well look professional while they tell me my life’s over and that everything I’ve worked toward for years means shit.” 

“As long as we’re not being dramatic,” Ryker responded, having a seat at his desk and opening his laptop. “You sure you don’t want me to come along for moral support?” 

JT shook his head. “Nah. Ty couldn’t make it up here, but he’s gonna be there virtually, so I’ll be OK. It’s not gonna be long. It’s just gonna be them going over the action plan with me, making sure I understand it.” He paused, then sat down on the side of his bed and let out a guttural noise that turned his boyfriend’s head. “I’m fucking scared, Ryk.” 

Immediately at his side, Ryker wrapped him in his arms. “You’re gonna be OK, baby. Everything is gonna be OK.” 

“But, what if it isn’t?”

“Then we deal with it together. We get through it together. You don’t ever have to do any of this alone again. You know that, right? That I’m here for the long haul? That the only way you’re getting rid of me is if you murder me, stuff me into a bag, and toss my body somewhere where no one will ever find me?” 

JT laughed, wiping his eyes. “As long as we’re not being dramatic.” He stood up, smoothing out his pants and trying to get his hands to stop shaking. “Anyway, I should probably…” 

A knock at the door startled them both. Figuring it was probably Audrey, JT opened it and was shocked when it wasn’t. 

“Look at you, kid. You finally learned how to tie a fuckin’ tie, eh?” 

In disbelief, JT threw his arms around Hayes, then pulled the door open to let him in. “What are you…you said you couldn’t make it?” 

“Like I’d let you fuckin’ do this on your own. Hey, Ryker.” 

“Hey, Ty,” Ryker said, turning around to greet him, then smiling at JT before turning back toward his laptop. 

“Um, thanks,” he said softly, nodding at Hayes and noticing he’d stopped shaking. “Having you here definitely…helps.” 

“Good. Being here helps me, too, because as much as I love Rook with my entire fuckin’ soul, a break from that extra ass man was much needed.” Hayes winked at him. “Anyway, we should probably head out.” 

“Yeah, let me just…fuck, where’d I put them?” JT started scanning the room frantically for his wallet and phone, as Ryker got up, retrieved both from the top of the microwave, and handed them to him. “Thanks.” 

Ryker hugged him and gave him a quick kiss. “Good luck. You got this. And remember what I said. You never have to do this alone again.” 

Hayes smiled, as memories of something Ryan had said to them on their wedding day flooded him. 

“Whatever you struggle with, I’ll do what I can to help you through it. And if I can’t, then I’ll struggle right alongside you. But you don’t ever have to do any of this alone again.” 

And, in over 20 years, he hadn’t. 

The two left the room, Hayes reaching over and wrapping an arm around JT’s shoulder. “Hey,” he said, nodding his head toward the room behind them as they walked. “You got a good one there, eh?” 

JT nodded, then leaned his head on Hayes’s shoulder. “He’s top tier.” 

“Good. Don’t fuck it up.” 

✽✽✽

“Have a seat, Mr. DiMara,” the decision-maker for JT’s case said as he and Ty both entered the meeting room with JT’s case manager. The three took their spots at the conference table, JT’s hands shaking as he looked over at Ty. 

“You got this, kid,” he said to him. “Whatever happens, you got this.” 

“My name is Rob Mastersen, and I’ve been designated as the decision-maker for your case. Before we get to the results, I’d like to review all the details to make sure that everything is correct. Then we’ll go from there.” 

JT nodded, beginning to fidget with a pencil that was on the table in front of him. 

Rob typed a few things on the laptop in front of him, then began. “You’re here today because you’ve chosen to accept responsibility for two violations to the student code of conduct, both of which fall under the category of general misconduct. 

“The first violation is for physical violence and abuse regarding the simple assault of one Mr. Evan Verdano at a location off campus, for which you were arrested and charged. However, it has been considered that Mr. Verdano did refuse to further cooperate with the prosecution, thus resulting in the case being dropped. It’s also been noted that, immediately following your arrest, you completed the mandated threat assessment with your counselor and were deemed not a threat. 

“The second violation is for damage and/or destruction regarding the irreparable damage to several pieces of University-owned furniture in your dormitory room at Bigler Hall. Does this information sound correct?” 

“Yes, sir,” JT responded quietly, almost unable to get the words out because his throat was so dry as he continued to play with the pencil, spinning and tapping it against the table. 

“As you’ve been informed, your acceptance of responsibility means that you agree to accept the proposed action plan. You also agree to waive your right to an administrative conference as well as any opportunity to appeal this decision. This is the final decision. Do you understand this, Mr. DiMara?” 

“Yes, sir.”

“After careful consideration of the statements given by one Mr. Ryker McCreery as well as by one Dr. Abasi Namour, in conjunction with the results of the initial mandated threat assessment, it’s been determined that you are not a physical threat to the students or faculty of the University, and therefore, suspension and expulsion are both off the table. You are permitted to remain enrolled in and attend your classes.” 

JT dropped his head to the table as Hayes let out a “Yes!” and patted him on the back a few times. 

“There are, however, consequences that will come with this decision. In terms of your action plan, there are several outcomes and sanctions, and I will be explaining those to you now. The first outcome is an educational outcome, designed to prompt changes to behavior and prevent further misconduct. The University is requiring you to, in addition to your current therapy schedule, attend at least two additional, hour-long anger management sessions per week. These can either be done with Dr. Namour or any other licensed counselor…” 

JT’s heart sank. Between his classes, tutoring, hockey practices, and current therapy sessions, there was no way. “Sir, with all due respect…” 

“JT? Quiet,” Hayes warned, followed by Deb, the case manager, shaking her head and waving her hand horizontally for him to stop. 

“But I already have, like, 15 hours a week for hockey practice, plus my…” 

“We’ll get to that, Mr. DiMara. Please let me continue.” 

Feeling his blood begin to boil and his eye start to twitch, he clenched his jaw and took a few deep breaths, trying to focus on the positives. 

You aren’t going to trial or jail. 

You aren’t suspended.

You aren’t expelled.

You got your girlfriend back. 

You got your tutor back. 

Now shut the fuck up and let the man finish. 

“I apologize, sir,” JT finally said.

“Thank you. Additionally, the plan includes a restorative outcome, designed to address the impact of the behavior and repair any harm caused. The University is requiring you to complete 40 hours of community service with the maintenance department, during which you will aid in making repairs to damaged but salvageable furniture in both dormitories and academic buildings. You have until the end of the spring semester to complete the required number of hours.”  

Though he wanted to get up from the table, slam his fist through the wall, and leave the room, JT fought like hell to keep himself in the chair. He was certain he was about 15 shades of red and that there was literal smoke coming out of his ears like an old school cartoon, but he forced himself to sit and listen. 

After all, accepting responsibility meant accepting the consequences of one’s actions.  

“As for administrative sanctions, Mr. DiMara, there are several. Please remember that by accepting responsibility, you accept this action plan in its entirety and are not permitted to appeal. Is that clear?” 

JT nodded, his jaw clenched so tightly he swore he was going to break a tooth at any moment. “Yes, sir.” 

“OK, good. First, you are on conduct probation. This is an official notice, and I’m reading directly from the code of conduct here, that your ‘continued relationship with the University is conditional and dependent upon demonstrated and sustained compliance with University policy and the assigned action plan. Eligibility for certain University sponsored activities may be restricted while a respondent is on conduct probation.’ Included in those activities is the Division 1 sports program. Mr. DiMara, you are no longer permitted to practice with the men’s D1 ice hockey team, effective immediately through the end of this semester.” 

“Oh, my God…”

“JT, stop.”

“Ty?” he whimpered. “They’re not gonna let me practice!” 

“Yeah? Good! JT, meet the consequences of your own stupid ass decisions…” 

“Gentlemen, please,” Mastersen interrupted. 

“I’m sorry,” Hayes responded, as JT slunk down into his chair and held his hands in front of his face. “No, sit up,” he said, pulling JT’s hands down and tapping him, after which JT fixed his posture. “You’re a grown ass man, Jacob Tyler DiMara. Time to act like one.” 

“We’re almost done. Finally, you are subject to a University housing sanction, which is loss of housing. Again, reading right from the code of conduct, ‘The respondent is ineligible to reside in University-owned or operated housing for a designated period of time. During this designated period, the respondent may not be present in any private residential areas, such as a resident’s room or suite, of any University-owned residence hall or apartment building.’ This also is effective immediately through the end of this semester.” 

Everything froze, and all JT could see, even with his eyes wide open, was black. 

Ryker.

He’d just lost the room he shared with Ryker. 

“That is the end of the action plan, Mr. DiMara. And while it’s a hefty one, you’re very lucky. I’ve seen students expelled for much less. I hope you understand that while this may seem like punishment, which it is, to a certain extent, you’ve truly been given a gift. You’ve got an opportunity to make some serious changes right now, and I do hope you will seize it. 

“The action plan remains in place through the end of this semester. If you follow it and complete all of the necessary requirements, you will have a clean slate next year. If there are any slip ups, and I do mean any, you will be immediately expelled from Penn State University. Do you understand the information that has just been presented to you, Mr. DiMara?”              

JT nodded sadly, as Mastersen slid copies across the table for him to sign. “Deb, do you have any questions, or is there anything you’d like me to clarify before we have Mr. DiMara sign?” 

“No, thank you.”

JT signed the paper, and slid it back across the table to Mastersen, who stood up. “This concludes our meeting. I thank you all for coming, and Mr. DiMara, I really do wish you the best. Off the record? You got seriously lucky. The arrest for assault alone could have been grounds for expulsion. You have Mr. McCreery and Dr. Namour to thank for saving your hide on that one. Their witness testimonies are what’s keeping you here at this University.” 

All three of them shook hands with Mastersen, then exited the room and began the walk down the hall. “I will file the paperwork with the Office of Student Accountability for you today, OK? I’m sorry about the housing and the hockey, JT, but Mastersen was right. You could’ve been expelled. You got very lucky here.” 

JT said nothing as she patted him on the shoulder. 

“Thanks for your help, Deb,” Hayes said, shaking her hand. 

“No problem. I’ll be in contact if there’s anything else I need from you or if I have any further information. Have a good day, gentlemen.” And with that, she walked away, leaving Hayes and JT alone in the hallway. JT pulled out his phone, which was on silent, and noticed a text from Ryker. 

R: Let me know how it goes ASAP, baby. I’m on pins and needles here! 

He locked his screen and stuffed his phone back into his pocket before his knees gave out and he collapsed onto Hayes, who was right there to catch him. He didn’t say anything; he knew there was nothing he could say that would make any bit of difference for the kid in this moment, so he just allowed him to cry for as long as he needed to. 

After several minutes, JT pulled away, wiped his eyes and looked at Hayes. “Ty,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“Everything is gonna be OK, JT. I promise you. I’ve been in some of the darkest pits of fuckin’ hell, been through shit you can’t even imagine. But, I got through it and I’m still here. And guess what? You will, too. I know it feels hopeless right now, but you gotta trust me, JT. Everything is gonna be OK. Can you say it with me?” 

JT nodded. “Everything is gonna be OK.” 

“Fuckin’ right it is. Now, let’s find you a home.” 

You Have a Gift. You Know That? (26)

“See? Everyone makes fun of my country ass, but there are benefits to having one of the good ol’ boys on your team, Red,” Macklin joked as they loaded the rest of JT’s belongings into his lifted, 1976 Ford F-150. “Like, you never have to rent a U-Haul.” 

“Thanks, man. I appreciate you coming through on such short notice. I, uh, wasn’t expecting to be moving today.” 

“No worries, man. You know I got you. Is that everything?” he asked, closing the tailgate. 

“I think so. Ryk, that was it, right?” 

Ryker nodded, his eyes bloodshot from having been crying nonstop for the past two hours after being blasted with the news that not only had his boyfriend been suspended from the team, but he’d also been evicted from their dorm. 

“This isn’t going to change anything, baby,” JT tried to assure him while he’d stuffed his clothes into bags. “We’ll meet up. If I have to sit outside fucking Pegula and wait for you every single damn day, that’s what I’ll do, OK? We will be fine.” 

“I need you, Banner.” 

“And I need you, Nerd. We’re gonna get through this. Hey, look at me,” he’d instructed, bringing a hand to Ryker’s chin and tilting his face up. “You’re one of the only reasons I didn’t get expelled. Whatever you told them in the witness statement saved my ass. Thank you, baby. I don’t know what you said, but thank you.” 

Ryker had shrugged, sweeping the tears from under his glasses away with his index finger. “I told them the truth. That you’re one of the most selfless, amazing people in the entire world and that you’re learning to navigate your trauma, doing everything you can to better yourself. That, like anyone else, you have good days and bad days, but that the progress you’ve made is to be commended.” 

JT had leaned in and pressed his lips against Ryker’s. “I love you so fucking much it’s actually insane.” 

Having removed everything from the room, JT threw a few more bags into the back of Hayes’s rental car and signaled for Ryker to get in. “Just follow us,” he called to Macklin, getting into the passenger side and proceeding to give Hayes directions. 

When they pulled up to the complex, Audrey was waiting outside with Jess. “Figured we could use an extra set of hands,” she said, as JT exited the car and approached her. They embraced, and she kissed him on the cheek while she ran her hands up and down his back. “Are you OK, Jacob?” she whispered into his ear. 

“I don’t…really know yet,” he replied, pulling away from her. “It’s all surreal. It’s just…fucking surreal. But, uh, thanks for letting me stay here. I swear, it’s only for a few months. I am going to stay out of trouble, stay out of your way, and the literal minute this semester is over, I will be out of here. I promise.” 

“I’m really not worried about it, Jacob. You practically live here on weekends as it is. Besides, you’ve kinda already paid for your share of the lease,” she said, opening the back of the rental car and beginning to grab some of JT’s bags, handing a few of them to Jess. “Hey, Ty.” 

“Hey, Audrey.”

“Listen,” Jess said to JT as they all began bringing the bags inside the building. “I at least have a one bedroom, so if she’s driving you insane, or if you need a break, you’re always welcome to come hang out at my place. Just text me first, in case I, uh, have company.” She nudged him with her elbow as they waited for the elevator. 

“Or, should I just text Carter?” he teased, elbowing her back. “Seriously, though, thank you. I appreciate it.” 

They got all of the bags into Audrey’s tiny apartment, and JT had offered to order food for everyone, but Macklin had class, Jess had to get to work, and Hayes needed to get back home for a meeting with a potential partner for the rink. 

“You know I can’t leave it up to Rook. If it’s a man who’s even halfway decent lookin’, he’ll sell the place for a bag of fuckin’ Skittles and a blowie,” Hayes teased, as he and JT hugged in the doorway of the apartment. 

“I mean, who doesn’t love Skittles?” JT backed away, then reached his hand out to Hayes’s, who looked at him curiously before shaking it. “Ty, I wanted to thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me again, kid. You know I…” 

“No, let me finish. Please,” JT interrupted, cupping Hayes’s hand with both of his. “I’ve been an awful human being to you. The shit you and Ry have had to deal with? You guys didn’t deserve any of it. I’ve destroyed your home, I’ve cursed at you and said terrible things. I’ve put strain on your marriage. I’ve…been a complete and total fuck up, but through it all, you’ve been there for me.” 

“That’s what family does, JT.” 

“No, it’s more than that, though. You taught me how to be a man, Ty. More than anyone else has. I learned more from you than…” He hesitated, then continued. “I learned more from you about what it means to be a man than I did from my own father, and I want you to know that I’m so grateful for you. Thank you for, like, not giving up on me.” 

“Well, shit,” Hayes said, pulling his hands away and wiping his eyes. “Jesus, 20 years of livin’ with Rook and I cry at everything now, too. I’ll never give up on you, JT. You’re…mine.” 

“I know.”

They both stared at each other intently, tear-filled eyes pleading with each other to just finally fucking admit what they both already knew, with both of them ultimately chickening out. “We’ll talk soon, OK? Stay outta trouble, don’t give Audrey any shit, and we’ll…talk soon. I love you, JT.” 

“I love you, too.” After watching Hayes walk away, JT shut the door behind him and turned around to see Audrey and Ryker giggling about something as she cleared out some drawers and he began to unpack some of JT’s things into them. 

He smiled.

Home.

✽✽✽

“Yo, hand me the Allen wrench.” 

JT grabbed a random tool from the bag, one that he was certain wasn’t a hammer or a screwdriver, and gave it to Craig, the older maintenance guy with whom he’d been assigned to work in order to fulfill his community service requirement. 

Craig reached out from under the faculty desk he was assembling and tossed it back. “Man, I said the Allen wrench.” 

JT threw his hands up, switching it out for another unknown tool and handing it over. 

Frustrated, Craig shimmied out from under the desk and sat up. “Dammit, kid. You know anything about tools?” 

I know you’re a fucking tool, he thought, smirking, but beaming with pride that he’d only thought it and not said it. 

Progress, right?

“Not, um, really,” JT responded as Craig rooted around in the tool bag. 

He found what he was looking for, and waved it in his face. “This the Allen wrench. This right here. Now, come on, hold this top part steady while I tighten it up.” 

JT stood up, grabbed the part where the leg met the top, and immediately shifted it off-kilter. “Sorry,” he apologized quickly, readjusting it so that the holes lined up while Craig did his thing. 

JT was on week two of his mandatory maintenance service. Having figured out the math, he had about 13 weeks to complete the required 40 hours, which worked out to about three hours a week that he’d scheduled for Wednesdays, seeing as he had no classes. It was perfect because he could complete his hours in the morning, meet up with Ryker for lunch, then shoot right over to Dr. Namour’s office for one of his required anger management sessions. 

Adjusting to life post-action plan hadn’t been as difficult as he’d anticipated, and that had immediately raised alarm bells in JT’s head. 

At what point is it gonna come crashing down? 

You’re gonna break eventually. 

You know you can’t handle this. 

But, as he’d been working so hard on doing lately, he pushed to combat those negative thoughts by trying to focus on the positives. 

First, living with Audrey had been amazing. Not only did he get to cook dinner for her and sleep next to her every night, but Ryker would come over frequently whenever he didn’t have an early practice or class, and the three of them would all hang out and sometimes even fall asleep together. They hadn’t had another threesome since his birthday, but Audrey made sure to give Ryker and JT their alone time, especially since fucking in the dorm wasn’t an option anymore. 

Second, now that Audrey was tutoring him again, his rhet 2 average had gone from failing to a 73, and he’d knocked his most recent speech out of the park, shocking even his professor. 

The topic?

The stigma attached to discussing our trauma.  

The kid had absolutely fucking nailed it, with most of the class in tears and giving him a standing ovation at the end of it. 

“JT,” his professor had said, pulling him aside after class. “I don’t know if you understand just how impactful that speech was. I got chills. I don’t know much about you, but it’s clear to me that you understand your chosen topic on a very deep level. I just want you to know how proud I am of you. You have a gift. Truly.” 

As he’d left class on a serious high that day, a girl was waiting for him in the hallway outside of the classroom. “JT?” she’d called, startling him as he walked by. “Can I, uh, talk to you for a second?” 

“Yeah, of course.”

The two of them had found a couple of chairs in a nearby student lounge, and after a few minutes of small talk with Abby, she broke down sobbing and confessed to him that she’d been raped at a campus party a few weeks ago. 

“JT, I feel so dirty talking about it, like it’s my fault, you know? Like I did something wrong. And, like, I don’t wanna ruin someone’s life. That’s why I haven’t said anything.” 

He’d offered to hug her, not wanting to impose if she wasn’t comfortable with the contact, and she came to him with open arms. After she’d cried there for a bit, she pulled away and apologized. 

“You don’t have to apologize. Abby, I believe you, and I know it took, like, a lot of courage for you to tell me this. I want you to know that it’s not your fault, and that you didn’t do anything to deserve this.” 

After speaking for a while longer, their interaction had convinced her to go to the police and report the assault. JT reminded her that she didn’t have to if she wasn’t comfortable doing so, as it would require having to recount many of the painful details. She went back and forth for a bit, but eventually told him that she didn’t want it to happen to someone else. He accompanied her to the University Police Station and held her trembling hand the entire time as she filed the police report. 

Two days later, he’d received a call from Abby that the guy had been suspended indefinitely while they further investigated the incident. “JT, I’d never have had the courage to report this if it wasn’t for your speech in class. I’m so grateful for you. You have a gift. You know that?” 

So, as it turned out, JT DiMara had a gift. 

Except when it came to tools, apparently. 

      “There you go, baby. Just like that. Easy peasy!” Craig stood up and patted the top of the desk a few times. “Shit ain’t goin’ nowhere now.” He looked at the time on his phone, then turned to JT. “Yo, you wanna grab some lunch? Make you a deal,” he said, extending his hand toward JT. “I’ll buy you a sandwich if you promise to learn what these tools called. ‘Cause we can’t be doin’ this shit every week.” 

JT smirked, then shook. “Deal.” 

The two made their way down to the Freshens in the engineering building in which they were currently working, grabbed a couple Nashville Hot Chicken Flatbreads, had a seat, and began devouring them. 

“So, what’s your story anyway, JT? How you end up here with me, not knowin’ shit about tools?” Craig asked, in between bites. “Community service?” 

“Yep. I’m on conduct probation at the moment. I was…stupid.” 

“Uh oh. What’d you do?” 

“Lost my temper, kicked a guy’s ass, then trashed my dorm.” 

“Oh, shit,” he said, wide-eyed with a mouthful of flatbread. “Remind me not to fuck with you. He at least deserve it?” 

JT nodded. “Oh yeah. It was my girlfriend’s ex. He treated her like shit. He said some things that pushed my buttons, and I…snapped. I mean, I’ve dealt with anger issues my whole life, and I’ve been, like, working really hard to fix them. It was just an unfortunate series of events. 

“I got lucky, though. My boyfriend and my therapist submitted statements on my behalf and I was allowed to stay enrolled here. I did get booted from my dorm and suspended from practicing with the hockey team, though.” 

Craig dropped his flatbread and shook his head a few times rapidly. “Hollup, hollup. Back up, Terry. That’s some pile of shit you just dropped on me, man,” he said with a laugh. “You said girlfriend and boyfriend?” 

“Yeah.”

“And they both cool with it?”

JT nodded, opening his phone and showing Craig a picture of the three of them. “They’re practically besties.” 

“Fuckin’ white people, man,” Craig laughed, taking a sip of water. “Hey, good for you. I ain’t even got one person to love me, and here you got two.” 

“Nah, you’re a catch, man. Look at you, all jacked and shit. There’s probably girls lined up around the block for you.” He paused, then added, “Or guys. I don’t mean to, like, assume.” 

“No, it’s girls. It’s definitely girls, JT,” Craig responded quickly, then his smile faded. 

“What’s wrong?” JT asked, noting the change in his facial expression. 

“Nah, I just…miss someone, man. That’s all.” 

“Did you wanna talk about it?”

Craig nodded, taking the last bite of his flatbread. “My wife. She been gone three years now. Cervical cancer.” 

“Damn. I’m sorry, man. I, uh, lost my mom to cervical cancer almost six years ago. Took her in two months.” 

“Yeah, it does that. My Angie, too. Seven weeks from the diagnosis to the funeral, man. That woman? She was one of a kind, though. We were together since high school, married for 32 years. Had two kids. I mean, they both grown now. It’s been so hard without her. I try to keep myself busy, but some days, man? Some days…” He trailed off, tears forming in his eyes. 

“Hey, so, like, tell me more about Angie. What was she like?” 

His eyes lit up, and he proceeded to tell JT everything about his beautiful late wife, and before long, the two of them were showing each other pictures on their phones and laughing hysterically, like they’d known each other for years. 

“...and I’ll tell you what? When she got like that? I ain’t said shit either!” Craig giggled, then checked the time on his phone. “Damn, JT. I gotta get back to work. We been down here over an hour. I guess you done for the day. Got plenty to keep you busy, with a girlfriend and a boyfriend to get to, huh?” 

He smiled, as they stood up and walked their trash to the garbage can. “Something like that. Listen, Craig. You have my number, man. You ever wanna talk about Angie, call me. I’ll listen. OK?” 

“JT, JT,” he said, reaching out his hand to shake it. “You got a gift, man. You know what?” JT grabbed his hand, and Craig pulled him in for a quick hug. “Thank you. It felt good talkin’ about her. A lot of people, they don’t ask me about her. I guess they scared to. But, man, it felt good.” 

“I’m serious. Anytime, day or night. Hey, I’ll see you next Wednesday, alright?” he said, walking backward toward the exit and pointing at Craig. 

“Do me a favor though?” Craig called. 

“What’s that?”

“Get some fuckin’ flashcards and learn them tools. Imma quiz you next week. You better be ready!” 

“Will do,” he said with a laugh, before turning and walking away, his mother’s words echoing in his head. 

“Promise me you won’t waste your life being angry. You’ve got so much to offer this world. I know none of this is fair, but you owe it to yourself to be happy. And you can’t be happy and angry at the same time. You have to let it go, OK?” 

And for the first time, he finally felt like he was ready to. 

Home (27)

April

“Will you just tell me where we’re going already?” Ryker complained, as JT had been driving them in Audrey’s clown car for the last 20 minutes. 

“We’re almost there, Mr. Impatient.” 

“The suspense is killing me, Banner.” 

JT, having pretty much nailed down a passing grade in rhet 2 at this point so close to the end of the semester, had decided to skip his class on this Tuesday afternoon and take his boyfriend on a much-needed and much-deserved date. 

As it’d turned out, the two of them having been forced to spend so much time apart had only strengthened their bond. They met up every day for lunch; regardless of their schedules, they made it work. But, Ryker had been swamped with work for his classes, and JT, knowing how stressed he was, decided to treat him to a day of fun. 

“I’ve never known, let alone dated someone as dorky as him, Aud. What kind of a date do you take a mega-dork on, anyway?” he’d asked her the previous night as they ate dinner together while watching Love Island. 

“I might have a couple ideas,” she’d replied, setting her plate down and reaching for her phone. 

“Hey, no rush. Finish your food first, OK?” he told her, knowing that sometimes she needed to be reminded of how important it was to eat. “Then we’ll talk about it.” 

They’d finished eating, and Audrey came up with a great idea about which JT was super psyched, as it was right up Ryker’s alley. “Thanks, babe. This is exactly what I was looking for,” he said, leaning over and kissing her on the cheek. “So, uh, can I ask you a question?” 

“Anything.”

“What does this look like as we get older?” 

She’d cocked an eyebrow. “I’m not sure I understand, stud.” 

“I mean…alright, theoretically, let’s say this, I don’t know, like, works out for the long term. What’s that look like?” 

Audrey sighed. “JT, it looks like whatever we want it to look like. Is there a reason you’re asking me?” 

JT knew it was something he had to tell her, but he wasn’t sure how she’d take it. He’d jumped up from the couch and begun pacing. “Um, so, listen. I…I don’t know…how to say this, exactly…” 

“Just say it. Jacob, you know I support you no matter what.” 

He thought back to the purchase he’d made a few days ago, then took a deep breath. “I wanna marry him. Not, like, right now, but someday, I wanna be his husband. And I want him to know that I wanna be his husband.” 

Audrey nodded slowly, a slight smile forming on her lips. “Then you make sure he knows that, OK? JT, you and Ryker have something special. Really special.” 

He’d rushed to her, dropping to his knees in front of her and taking her hands into his. “But you’re a part of it, too. You know that, right?” 

“I do, JT. But it’s…Ryker. He’s your number one, whether you’ll ever admit it to me or not.” 

“And none of it matters if you aren’t a part of it, Aud. Say you’ll be a part of it. Please?” 

“Of course I’ll be a part of it, JT. I can’t…even imagine a life without you two goofballs in it. But, just so you know, I understand the connection you share with him, OK? And I’m not threatened by it in the least. I’m happy to see you happy, Jacob. Truly.” 

“You have arrived,” the GPS said, as they approached the sign that read, “Historic Penn’s Cave and Wildlife Park. Entrance.” 

Ryker audibly gasped, clapping. “Shut up! I’ve always wanted to visit Penn’s Cave. You…Audrey put you up to this, didn’t she?” 

JT side-eyed him, then shrugged, as they pulled into a parking space. “It’s entirely possible she may have had a hand in this.” He turned the car off. “Did you know that some caves take hundreds of thousands of years to form? They discover new caves every year, and there are, like, tons of known caves that have yet to be mapped or explored.” 

Ryker leaned over, interrupting his boyfriend’s infodump with a kiss. “I love you.” 

“Samesies,” JT said, kissing him back, then opening the door. “Come on. This is gonna be so fucking cool.” 

The cave tour began with them descending 48 steps to the dock entrance, since the entire tour was given by boat. JT, whose attention should have been all over the place, could focus on nothing but the absolute joy on his boyfriend’s face as he clung to every single word their tour guide shared about the stalagmites, stalactites, and the history of the cave. Noticing Ryker shivering at one point, as the cave was chilly, he slid up behind him and wrapped him in his arms, resting his head on his shoulder and certain that if he were to die right then and there, he’d die a happy man. 

Afterward, they took a fully guided bus tour of the 1,600-acre nature preserve. And again, JT watched with pure happiness as his boyfriend sucked up every bit of info about the geology, biology, and geography of the area…minus any mention of birds. 

It was truly a nerd’s paradise. 

The bus made a stop at an outdoor butterfly garden, and as the boys wandered around apart from each other, they both turned around excitedly to find each other when a monarch butterfly landed on each of their arms. 

“Nerd, look!” JT called quietly to him, holding out his arm as Ryker held his out as well. They slowly and gently placed their arms side by side, putting the butterflies in close proximity, where they turned toward each other and seemed to communicate briefly before flying away simultaneously. 

Immediately, they both began weeping, certain that their moms had just paid them a visit to let them know they saw them and approved of their relationship. 

“You know,” Ryker began, as the bus headed back toward the parking area, “a spiritual interpretation of butterflies is that they represent change, transformation, or hope. I think the universe might be trying to tell you something, baby.” 

JT smiled, leaning back against his boyfriend’s chest in the bus seat. “Well, the universe is gonna have to wait, because all I wanna do is focus on this moment with you right here.” 

Once they’d left the cave, JT drove them to the nearby Talleyrand Park, where there were gorgeous views, including several bridges that crossed over a beautiful, crystal-clear trout stream. “You’re spoiling the shit out of me today, Banner. What gives?” Ryker asked, as they entered onto one of the bridges, hand in hand. 

As they approached the center of the bridge, JT stopped, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small box. 

“JT?” Ryker asked nervously, as he watched JT open it slowly, revealing two rings, one black and one silver. Part of the silver one’s top fit into the black one. 

“So, I brought you here today because,” JT began, lifting the darker of the two rings from the box, “I want you to know how much I love you and that I cannot live without you. I debated even doing this, knowing how crazy it is, but when those butterflies landed on us, I kinda took it as a sign.” 

“Baby?”

“This is not an engagement, OK? But this is a promise. A promise that someday, I’ll be your husband. That is, if you want me to.” He reached for Ryker’s right hand and waited for the nod of approval before placing the ring on his ring finger. “Yeah?” 

“Fuck yeah,” Ryker responded, tears streaming down his face. 

“OK, wow. That’s a fucking weight off my shoulders,” JT said, breathing a sigh of relief as he removed the other ring from the box and slid it onto his right-hand ring finger. 

“So, does Aud…I mean, what about Aud?” 

“She knows. I told her. And there’s a third ring, but she doesn’t know about that one yet. You see how mine fits into yours, but look. There’s another spot where hers will fit into mine. Oh, and check out the inside.” 

They both slid the rings off their fingers, and Ryker examined them to find that an “8” had been engraved on his, and a “7” had been engraved on JT’s. 

“And hers has a ‘4’, I presume?” Ryker asked. 

JT nodded. “Without you both, I’m just holding my breath.” 

“Are you…are you sure about this, baby?” Ryker asked cautiously. 

“Ryk, I’m not sure about much, OK? And I know we’re young. I get it. But so were Ty and Ryan, and look at them. What I’m sure about is that I won’t ever love anyone the way I love you.”

Ryker shrugged. “OK. I’m in.” 

“Yeah?” JT asked excitedly. 

“Yeah. I mean, if our moms are cool with it, that’s gotta mean something, right?” 

Ryker wrapped his arms around JT’s neck and the two stood making out in the middle of the bridge, not giving a single fuck who was watching. 

Home.

✽✽✽

“Alright, that’s all the time we have for today, guys. Don’t forget, the final character analysis papers are due this Thursday. Not Friday, not next Thursday. This Thursday. As in, two days from now. If anyone has any questions, stick around and I’ll be happy to answer them. Otherwise, have a great day, get outside and enjoy this beautiful weather, and I’ll see you soon.” 

Audrey waited to see if anyone stuck around, but seeing as all of her students had logged off, she shut down her laptop and turned around to find Ryker and JT sound asleep on the bed, with JT spooning Ryker and drooling all over his hoodie. 

She walked over to the bed and cleared her throat loudly, startling both of them awake. JT sat up quickly and Ryker yawned. “Going to get coffee, huh?” 

“Sorry, your shit was so boring it put us to sleep. I’m glad you’re not my professor,” JT teased, prompting her to grab a nearby throw pillow and smack him with it. 

“Don’t listen to him, Aud. I found it riveting and exhilarating. Awe-inspiring, if you will.” 

“Oh, quit kissing my ass, Ryk,” she said, smacking him with the pillow as well. “Caffeine. Now. Come on, up.” 

The three of them walked over to Starbucks since it was a gorgeous day and neither of them had anywhere to be for another few hours. After ordering their drinks and a muffin for Ryker and Audrey to share, which had sort of become their thing, they grabbed a table outside. 

“Oh, damn, I forgot to get a straw,” Ryker said, looking over at JT, just like they’d rehearsed. 

“I got it,” Audrey said, getting up like they’d known she would. “I need to snag a few more napkins anyway.” 

Ryker watched her walk back inside the store, then gave JT the green light. He dug into his backpack and grabbed the box, reached across the table, and set it down next to her half a muffin.

“You remember what to say?” JT asked, and Ryker nodded. “Good. I really think it will be more, like, meaningful if it comes from you. Alright, here she comes.” 

She sat down, handing the straw to Ryker and setting the obnoxiously large stack of napkins on the table while both boys looked at her. “What? I need more…” 

“Napkins for your purse and your car,” JT finished for her, smirking. “God, you’re old.” 

“Oh, shut it. Anyway, I didn’t really get to ask, but how’d your date go today?” she asked, winking at JT. “Did you enjoy the cave, Ryk? I figured it’d be something you’d like. Jess and I went there over the summer and it was…” 

She stopped talking as she reached for her muffin and noticed the box. Her eyes repeatedly flicked between it and their faces. “What, um…what’s this?” 

“Open it,” Ryker said softly. 

Picking up the box, she tilted the lid back to find a rose gold ring, and upon looking over at the boys again, noticed that they’d both laid their right hands flat on the table, revealing a ring on each of their ring fingers. 

They removed their rings, showing her how they fit inside each other, then they motioned for her to add hers, which completed the set. “Um, guys…” 

“It’s the three of us,” Ryker said, his voice shaking a bit. “It’s not me and JT. It’s not you and JT. It’s the three of us. We’ve all had our fair share of loss, of trauma, of pain, and we ended up here for a reason, right? That’s what we said when we agreed to start this. It’s not an engagement, nothing like that. It’s just a reminder that we’re here for each other, and that we all have our place in this thing. I don’t ever want you to feel less than, Audrey. What JT and I have is special, but so is what you and JT have. And we want you here. I…want you here.” 

“Look inside,” JT said, handing the ring back to her. 

Her hand trembling, she flipped it over to see the “4” engraved on the inside of the band, then smiled when they showed her the “7” and “8” in theirs. 

“I…don’t know what to say, honestly,” she finally responded, slipping the ring onto the ring finger of her right hand. “But fuck it. I’m in.” 

“Yes!” Ryker shouted, jumping up from the chair and rushing over to hug her, both of them in tears as they opened the hug to let JT in. 

The three of them stood there hugging for what seemed like ever, JT scanning and noticing that a few people were staring, some of them whispering and making faces. 

“When you meet the right people, the ones who wanna help you, don’t push them away. Things might look…a little different with them, and some people might judge, but fuck ‘em.” 

Ryker pulled away, leaving JT and Audrey to hold each other tighter. 

“I love you, Aud,” he whispered into her ear, then kissed her cheek. “I wouldn’t have gotten through this year without you. I don’t wanna risk trying to get through the rest of my life without you, either.” 

“You won’t ever have to, stud.” 

I Couldn’t Sleep with This Thing If I Wanted To (28)

May

Final week of classes 

“Now, release, letting your whole body go limp. Focus your attention on the feeling of relaxation and notice how it differs from the feeling of tension. Begin to wake your body up by slowly moving your muscles, adjust your arms and legs, stretching out all of your muscles. And when you’re ready, open your eyes.” 

JT stretched and slowly reacquainted himself with his surroundings. 

Dr. Namour’s office.

Lying on the couch. 

He yawned and sat up, running his hands through his hair and blinking a few times. 

“How do you feel, JT?” Dr. Namour asked, putting the papers he’d been reading from down and picking up his clipboard and pen. 

“Amazing. Like, incredibly relaxed.” 

What he’d wanted to say was that he felt like he’d just busted the world’s greatest nut, but decided perhaps that wasn’t an entirely appropriate response. 

Progress, right?

Dr. Namour made a note of that on the clipboard, then reached for the papers he’d set down and handed them to JT. “So, again, that’s a technique called progressive muscle relaxation. One of our body’s reactions to anger or stress is muscle tension, and with this technique, you learn how to release that tension. You know how you clench your fists or your jaw when you get angry? Now, you know how to release it, and just the act of releasing it can have a calming effect, not to mention it can lower your blood pressure and even relieve other physical symptoms like headaches and back pain. 

“I’ll give you this script, and you could have Audrey or Ryker read it to you, or have one of them record themselves reading it so you have it whenever you need it, even if they’re not around. I’d recommend having one of them do it though, since both of them have a calming effect on you.” 

“Thank you,” JT said, beginning to just stuff the papers into his backpack. He stopped, reached inside for his folder, opened it, and placed the papers neatly inside before closing it and returning it to the bag. “See? Folders. Helps me keep things organized and not lose them,” he said with a wink, pointing at Dr. Namour. 

“Glad to see that’s working for you. Anyway, we have a few minutes left, so I wanted to go over some details of your upcoming summer internship quickly. Before we get there, though, I would like to take a moment to congratulate you on your many accomplishments. For passing all of your classes this spring semester, despite having a learning disability, for sticking to your action plan, for completing all of your hours of community service, and for earning back your campus housing and your place on the D1 hockey team next year. JT, you did it. The progress you’ve made over the past nine months is absolutely incredible, and I am so proud to call you my patient.” 

Tears filling his eyes, JT nodded. “Thank you. I’m, uh, proud of me, too. But, I couldn’t have done it without your help, Doc. You’re unbelievable. Are you sure I can’t do my internment…I mean, my internship with you?” 

Dr. Namour shook his head. “You’re my patient, JT. That would be in strict violation of our relationship. However, I’ve got someone in mind who I believe would be a perfect fit for you. I’m just waiting to hear back from her, and as long as she’s OK with it, we can get your internship set up and send it to the University for summer approval. Have you begun the process of switching your major from sports management to psychology?” 

“Yep. Submitted it online and I’m just waiting on approval from the new dean.” 

“Excellent. And tell me how all of this is going over with Ty.” 

JT gulped, leaning back against the couch and exhaling. “I…haven’t told him yet.” 

“And why is that, exactly?” 

“Because he’s got his heart set on helping me get to the show. He’s already…I go home next week and he’s already got an appointment with my family advisor to try to get me an invite to the NHL combine. First of all, there’s no fucking way I’m ready for that. I mean, yes, I’ve had some scouts snooping around and talking to my FA, but, like, I haven’t even practiced in over four months, minus a few times I snuck in and fucked around with my teammates for shits and giggles. If I did get an invite, it’d only be because Ty worked his magic somehow.” He stopped, scanning the room and then becoming distracted by his phone buzzing on the table. 

“Why don’t you leave it?” Dr. Namour suggested as he reached for it. “Sometimes it’s OK to be unavailable.” 

“Right,” JT said, leaving it on the table and unread. “But here’s the other thing, Doc. I love hockey, OK? You know that. I grew up playing and I’m amazing at it. I know that.” 

“But?”

“But it’s not my passion. It’s Ty’s passion. It was Ryan’s passion. It’s…I’m not passionate about it, and the more I think about it, the more I don’t wanna do it for the rest of my life. Take Nerd, for example. He plays just because he can, and he has a blast. Does he get a lot of ice time, or do they prioritize him on special teams? No. But it doesn’t matter because he enjoys it. He’s not trying to make a career out of it. He’s gonna be some kinda fucking rocket scientist or something. He’s just doing it because it’s fun for him. I envy that.”

“So, are you saying that you don’t think you should enjoy something out of which you want to make a career?”

“Nah, that’s not,” JT began, getting frustrated, then taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. “That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that I don’t want to do it for a career. Doc, the more I learn about myself, the more I realize that my greatest power, my greatest strength? It’s helping people. It’s like,” he said, standing up and beginning to pace. 

Dr. Namour tossed a ball to him and encouraged him to toss it up and catch it to focus his attention. “My whole life, I thought I was stupid, you know? I’m not stupid. I have a fucking disability, and thanks to Aud, I know that now. How many other kids out there think they’re stupid and don’t have an Aud? How many kids feel worthless because their parents are dead, or they’ve been abandoned, or they think they’re unworthy of being loved? How many people believe the lies their trauma tells them? Just out there thinking that, like, life left them behind, that they don’t deserve good things.” 

Tears now streaming down his face, he set the ball down and turned to look at Dr. Namour. “I can help them. I can do that. That’s so much more valuable than playing some fucking game, man. You know? Not to mention, I can do that on my own. I’ve always worried that if, like, I made it to the show, it’d be because Ty or Ryan pulled strings or whatever. I don’t want that. I wanna carve my own way. 

“And I can’t tell you how many times this year I’ve just been existing and have, like, accidentally helped someone deal with some really heavy shit. So many people have told me I have a gift, that I, like, see things in ways that other people don’t. Maybe…I don’t know. Maybe I do.” He plopped down onto the couch, wiping his eyes. “Maybe I do.” 

Dr. Namour, who’d been feverishly scribbling notes the entire time JT was talking, set his clipboard down. “There’s no maybe, JT. You absolutely connect with the world in ways that many others simply can’t. A lot of your anger, your frustration, I believe came from the fact that you didn’t know how to interpret those connections, how to deal with them, especially since you felt the world was stacked against you because of what you’ve been through. But, JT, now that you recognize it, that you understand who you are and what you’re capable of?” He shook his head, smiling. “You’re gonna be one hell of a counselor. That I’m sure about.” 

“Thank you.”

They wrapped up the session with Dr. Namour giving JT a to-do list that consisted of two things: 

Make an appointment with his academic advisor to determine which classes he should take now that his goal was to become a licensed counselor. 

Inform Tyler Hayes that he no longer had any interest in playing professional hockey. 

One of those things, JT knew, was going to be a lot easier to do than the other. 

✽✽✽

“Redshirt!”

D’Angelo rushed over to JT as he arrived at the hotel room, hand in hand with Ryker. 

That night had been the night of the hockey banquet, which, being on conduct probation, JT wasn’t allowed to attend since the semester wasn’t technically over. Though the coaches all told him it wouldn’t be an issue, he decided to err on the side of caution, not wanting to do anything to jeopardize his progress. 

As soon as the banquet had ended, he’d had Audrey drop him off outside the Toftrees Golf Resort, where some of the guys had booked a few adjoining rooms for the night in which they intended to party for the evening and then wake up for a round of golf the following morning. Since the Nittany Lions had failed to make the playoffs, a lot of the guys would be leaving to go back home soon, so they wanted one last outing together before the year ended. 

“We missed you tonight, man. Sucks that you couldn’t come,” D’Angelo told him, as the two hugged, Macklin appearing out of nowhere with a cup full of some sort of concoction containing way too much liquor. 

“How do you constantly, like, just show up out of the blue with a drink all the time?” JT said with a laugh, taking the cup from him and chugging it. 

“That’s called redneck hospitality, baby.” He shoved another one in front of Ryker. “Drink up, McCreery.” 

“Nah, I’m good. I don’t…” 

“Shhhh,” D’Angelo interrupted, tipping the bottom of it, forcing him to drink. “Good boy.” 

“OK,” Ryker said, taking the cup and sucking it down, then making a face when he realized it was almost straight alcohol. “Oh, wow. This is gonna hit me.” 

“Good,” JT said, leaning into his ear and sliding an arm around his waist. “Because we know what a horny little slut you are for my dick when those drinks hit.” 

Ryker smirked, then turned his lips to meet JT’s ear. “Wanna guess what I’ve been wearing all night?” 

JT’s eyes widened, as LeFleur came around the corner and grabbed him by the shirt for beer pong.

“Sorry, McCreery. I need to borrow your boyfriend for a bit,” LeFleur said, pulling JT, whose eyes were still glued to Ryker, away. 

“Seriously? How am I supposed to function now that I have that bit of information?” JT called to him, disappearing into the other room to play. 

“I don’t…even wanna know, do I?” D’Angelo asked Ryker, as they both finished up what was in their cups. 

“Nope. You do not,” Ryker confirmed. 

JT and D’Angelo found themselves outside on the balcony sharing a joint after few rounds of beer pong, some drunk Jenga, and one game of straight face that had caused Carter to literally piss himself when LaFleur had read, “Macklin couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the bottom.” 

“I didn’t even know you smoked, man,” JT said while holding in the hit, then blew it out and passed it to his teammate. 

He took it, hit it, blew it out, and passed it back. “I don’t. Not during the season, anyway. But, the season’s over, so I figured, fuck it. Why not?”              

“I’ve cut back a ton, almost to nothing. It used to, like, help with my anger and anxiety, but I’ve got so many other options for it now. This is good shit though,’ JT said, stubbing the joint on the ground and placing it on the patio table. 

“Yeah, my boy’s a criminal justice major. They always got the mad hookups,” D’Angelo said, leaning back. “Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?” 

They both giggled, JT admiring the gorgeous view of the pool below their balcony as they overheard a heated argument coming from inside the room about whether or not a hotdog should be classified as a sandwich. 

“Yeah, if you’re a fuckin’ serial killer!” Carter yelled. 

To which Macklin replied, “Yeah, OK. Why don’t you go piss your pants again?” 

“It’s getting vicious in there, man,” JT said, putting his hands over his head and leaning back. “So, what’d I miss tonight, anyway? Fill me in. I really wanted to come, I just…I’m minding my P’s and Q’s, you know?” 

“Yeah, totally. It’s all good, man. Eh, it was your typical sports banquet. Speeches from all the coaches. I had to give a speech before the tribute to the graduating seniors and I almost puked on myself. I fucking hate public speaking, man.” 

“That’s interesting, considering you literally never shut the hell up,” JT teased, punching him lightly in the thigh. 

“I know, right? Anyway, I’m sure McCreery told you he got the award for most improved. Wished luck to Amos on his invitation to the combine this year. He’s absolutely going to the show soon. Kid’s fucking incredible. Um, let’s see, what else? MVP was yours truly. Oh, and,” he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone, “we did this new thing this year. Got a video of it. Here, check it out.” 

D’Angelo handed the phone over to JT, and he pressed play on screen to see a bunch of the guys doing the Cotton-Eyed Joe shirtless before his captain took it back. “Shit, sorry. Wrong one,” he said, scrolling and pulling up a different one. “This weed is kicking my ass, Red. Anyway, this is the right one. Here.” 

Again, JT took the phone and pressed play, and it took about 30 seconds before tears clouded his vision.  

It was a compilation of a few brief words from each of JT’s teammates, coaches, and trainers, letting him know their favorite thing about him or sharing a favorite memory of him from this year. They’d even managed to get clips from Audrey and Craig. 

He finished the video and handed the phone back to D’Angelo. “Thank you, man. That was…amazing.” 

“You got it. I hope you know how proud of you we all are. You’re not even remotely the same dude who showed up in August, and it’s been incredible to watch. You’ve been dragged through it, Red, but you always come out on top. And you deserve to, man,” D’Angelo reached over to shake his hand. “You deserve everything good this world has to offer.” He pulled his hand back and stood up, blinking a few times and steadying himself on the arm of the chair in which he’d been sitting. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am fucked up and need to go find somewhere to pass out. Don’t stay up too late, OK? Tee time is at 9 a.m.” 

✽✽✽

“You’re fucking…gonna kill me, Banner,” Ryker whispered, panting against his neck as JT rubbed his rock-hard cock through his boxers, which were nearly soaked all the way through with precum. 

The two of them, having lost the lottery to sleep on one of the beds, had been lying on the floor, sharing one measly ass pillow and wrapped up in a sheet, waiting patiently for the rest of the guys to pass out. The lights were all off, but several of them were playing on their phones, illuminating the room just enough that they couldn’t get away with anything without being seen. 

JT had taken this prime opportunity to edge his boyfriend into oblivion, bringing him slowly right to the brink at least three separate times before pulling away and leaving him high and dry. 

“It’s so much fun making you squirm” JT whispered, removing his hand right as Ryker was about to cum again, as the last phone finally went dark, and Ryker damn near pounced on top of him, rolling his boyfriend onto his back and straddling his hips. Just as he’d begun to rock them into JT’s, someone got up, stumbled to the bathroom, and flicked the light on, proceeding to piss with the door wide open as Ryker frustratedly rolled off JT and onto his back. 

“Fuck it. Guess we’ll just go to sleep.” 

“Nerd? I couldn’t sleep with this thing if I wanted to,” JT said quietly, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand and placing it on his throbbing cock. “I need to cum.” 

Ryker, being Ryker, had made sure they were prepared. He had removed his plug, cleaned it, and tucked it away in his bag, the same bag that he’d strategically placed next to where they’d be sleeping for quick access to the lube and condoms. He had no idea how much longer they’d have to wait for everyone to fall asleep, but what he did know was that he was going to ride the fucking shit out of his boyfriend’s dick when they did. 

The pisser, whose identity Ryker couldn’t make out because his glasses were off, finally turned the light off and headed back to bed, and the room went dark and silent again, minus someone’s snoring.  

Game. The fuck. On. 

As though he was aiming to set a new world record for the least amount of time it took to get a dick inside his ass, Ryker reached into the bag, grabbed a condom, and tore it open with his teeth. He took a hold of JT’s throbbing hard-on and rolled it onto it, then reached for the lube and squeezed some all over his hand. He straddled JT again while moving his hand behind him and coating his hole, then immediately lined himself up with it, sinking down slowly. 

“Oh, fuck,” JT said aloud, grabbing onto Ryker’s hips until he was fully seated. “Not even gonna warn me, Nerd?” 

Ryker slapped a hand over JT’s mouth and leaned down so his mouth was next to his ear. “You’re gonna stay quiet while I fuck you. You understand? There are four other guys in this room, and unless you wanna deal with that shit right now, then zip it.” 

“You feel way too fucking good,” JT whispered, reaching his hands around to Ryker’s ass and pushing him forward. 

“Good. Then shut up and cum quick for me, OK?” Ryker sat back up, adjusting the sheet so it covered them, and planted his hands firmly against the floor on either side of JT’s shoulders to give himself leverage. He began slowly grinding back and forth, letting his body adjust, then decided to just go for it. 

“Shit,” JT whimpered. “Sorry. You’re just…so fucking tight, baby.” 

Ryker lifted a hand to JT’s mouth. “Open,” he whispered, and when JT did, he shoved the side of his hand into his mouth. “Bite down if you need to. But shut up.” 

Instantly, JT’s teeth clamped down against his boyfriend’s hand as he bounced up and down on his cock, JT lifting his hips upward to meet every one of Ryker’s downward thrusts halfway. His hands gripping Ryker’s ass so hard he knew there’d be bruises, he wanted so badly to praise him, knowing how much his teammate got off on it. But they couldn’t do that right now. His only option was to keep biting down on his hand while Ryker continued to fuck himself on JT’s his dick, his own massive hard-on slapping against JT’s abs with the increased pace. 

Noticing that the noise was breaking the silence of the room, JT pushed Ryker’s hand from his mouth. He brought his own palm to his face, spit on it, and wrapped it around Ryker’s cock, beginning to jerk him off while he rode JT, which caused Ryker to whimper loudly. “Come on, Nerd. You gotta be quiet. Remember?” JT teased, as sweat dripped from Ryker’s hair onto JT’s face. 

“Fuck,” Ryker squealed out as JT felt him begin to tense up around his cock.

“I think that’s what we’re doing, baby. You’re gonna cum, aren’t you? I can feel it. You gonna be a good boy and cum all over my dick?” 

“Fuck, JT. I’m gonna fucking cum…all over your dick.” 

JT let go of Ryker, then used both arms to push himself up to sitting, putting Ryker in his lap. “Make a mess all over me, baby. Come on, I’m so fucking close.” 

“Shit, JT…fuck. I’m gonna cum,” Ryker said, wrapping a hand around the back of JT’s head and pulling their faces together. “Fuck,” he moaned into JT’s mouth, his cock releasing thick strands of cum onto JT’s chest while he continued to move in his lap. 

“There you go, baby. You’re such a good boy for me, aren’t you? Shit, I’m gonna…fucking…” JT trailed off, moaning against Ryker’s lips as he came deep inside him. “Ryk. Fuck.”

The two of them sat there in each other’s laps for a moment, sweaty and cum-covered, both their heads still reeling from the intensity of the orgasms they’d just had.  

“So much for being quiet,” JT whispered into Ryker’s ear, trailing his lips down to his neck and planting small kisses along it. 

“You felt way too good,” Ryker replied quietly. “Besides, they’re all passed out. I doubt they heard us.” 

“Um, cool,” a third voice entered into the conversation. “Do you think now that you two have gotten that shit out of your system, you can shut the fuck up and go to sleep? Thanks.” 

“Sorry, Carter,” Ryker called out quietly, both he and JT beginning to giggle, embarrassed. 

“Also, not gonna lie. That was kinda hot. Thanks. Now I’m bricked up in a bed next to Macklin.” 

“I say go for it. I bet he’d be down,” JT said, getting up off the floor so he could head to the bathroom and get cleaned up. 

“Don’t you even fucking think about it,” Macklin responded, then followed it with, “Unless you wanna blow me. That I’m down for.” 

“Fine. But I’m not swallowing, bro,” Carter said. “And I expect at least a handy in return.” JT and Ryker cracked up at the turn of events, until D’Angelo’s voice entered the chat. 

“What the actual fuck is happening in this room right now?”

You. Can. Do. This. (29)

May

End of the Semester 

“Holy fucking shitballs,” Audrey marveled, which caused Ryan to laugh as they pulled up to the Hayes-Baylor estate in Ryan’s Cadillac Escalade-V. 

“You can say that again,” Ryker chimed in, adjusting his glasses to make sure he was actually seeing what he was seeing. 

“Oh, just wait,” JT told them, as they all grabbed their bags and headed up the 25 steps to the front door. 

The 6,500 square foot, six bed, eight bath Tampa waterfront home boasted an oversized two-car garage and three floors, each with its own primary suite that included a balcony overlooking the bay and the home’s private dock. The main floor’s enormous great room and dining area provided access to the waterfront terrace, which included an outdoor kitchen, wet bar, and firepit with a view overlooking the salt water pool and hot tub below.

“I grew up in a one-bedroom apartment,” Audrey said, admiring the breathtaking view of the outdoor backyard oasis. 

“I shared a room with my sister until I was 13,” Ryker added. “Then they converted a closet under the stairs into a makeshift bedroom for me.” 

“This explains so much,” JT teased, nudging his boyfriend. “Come on, I’ll show you my room.” 

The two followed JT up to the second floor, mouths agape as they entered his bedroom, which was the home’s junior primary suite. Aside from the California king bed, which was dwarfed by the size of the room, it also had an attached office, a custom closet with built-in shelving and cabinetry, a private balcony, and a bathroom with a large, walk-in shower. 

“You can just put your bags wherever,” he told them, as he tossed his backpack onto his bed and flung himself onto it, pointing to both of them. “Come here.” 

Audrey and Ryker both climbed onto the bed, each of them sliding next to JT on either side. He placed an arm around them both, kissing Ryker first, then kissing Audrey. “I wanna give you both something just as beautiful to call your own someday,” he told them, as he ran his fingers through each of their hair. “You both deserve nothing less.” 

“You sure you don’t wanna reconsider the whole not-playing-hockey-for-a-living thing, baby?” Ryker asked, closing his eyes at the feeling of JT’s touch. 

“Nah,” he said quickly. “Like I said, my parents left me a lot of money, and between Ty and Ryan, a lot of it was invested wisely. Combine that with my salary as a counselor, and I think I’ll be just fine.” 

“You haven’t told them yet, have you?” Audrey asked. 

JT shook his head. “I’m so nervous, Aud.” 

“Why’s that?”

“What if, like, they don’t take it well? I mean, Ty has busted his ass for the past five years, done everything he possibly could to get me into juniors, keep me out of trouble, get me into college, and what? I’m just going to say, ‘Yeah, thanks for all of that. I know I caused you nothing but stress and almost ruined your marriage, but I don’t think I wanna play hockey anymore.’ Right,” he said, sitting up and fidgeting with his hands. “This is gonna go over real well.” 

Audrey sat up next to him, reaching her hands up to his shoulders and massaging them, causing him to moan and dip his head forward. “Jacob? They love you. I guarantee you whatever decision you make, they will support you. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to stop playing hockey altogether. You’re still gonna play throughout college to keep your scholarship, you just…don’t wanna do it for the rest of your life. And what you do wanna do with the rest of your life is incredibly inspiring and important. I really think they’re going to be fine with it.” 

JT sighed. “Aud, you don’t know Ty like I know Ty.” 

“No, I don’t. But I know he loves you with his whole heart. And I know that when you love someone with your whole heart, you find happiness in their happiness.” She looked over at Ryker, who winked at her. “Right, Ryk?” 

“Right,” he said, sitting up and placing a hand on JT’s back, the three of them leaning in toward each other for a quick, sloppy hug. “It’s better to be up front with him, baby. Honestly, this might actually be a good thing for him, might eliminate some of the stress of him constantly having to go to battle for you. Sometimes, when you’ve been fighting for so long, you forget what peace feels like. Maybe, I don’t know…maybe this’ll bring him some much-needed peace.” 

“Yeah, maybe,” he said, standing up from the bed and beginning to pace around in front of it. “I’m still just so fucking nervous about it.” 

“We’re both here, baby,” Ryker assured him. “Even if things go south, you’ve got us both here for you. But everything is gonna be OK. I promise.” 

“Thanks,” he said, turning to face both of them, the sight of them sitting so close to each other on his childhood bed causing his dick to immediately take notice. “You know what would really help ease my nerves right now?” 

“What’s that?” Audrey asked, a smile creeping across her face as she was pretty sure she knew him well enough to know where this was heading. 

He approached both of them, running a hand through each of their hair and tugging their heads gently toward him. “A repeat of my birthday. I mean,” he began, pushing his full lips into a pout, then leaning down and placing his face within inches of both of theirs. “You want me to be relaxed when I have this conversation with them, don’t you? Honestly, I think that would really help me relax, you know?” He turned his head toward Ryker, brushing their lips together ever so slightly. 

“Banner?” Ryker whispered onto his lips. 

“Yeah, Nerd?”

“Can you, um, try that again without sounding like a full-on sex predator?” 

“Sorry,” he apologized, pressing his lips into Ryker’s and kissing him slowly, then turning toward Audrey and doing the same. “Anyway, I passed all my classes, completed my action plan, got back onto the team, and back into campus housing. I’ve been such a good boy. So, what are we thinking?” he asked them, the three of them breathing heavily, their hands beginning to wander around each other’s bodies. 

Audrey and Ryker looked at each other, then back at JT. “We’re thinking…maybe you should lock the door, stud.” 

✽✽✽

“Stop it!” Audrey said, putting her fork down and waving her hands over her plate as she laughed hysterically. “You’re…no you didn’t.” 

They’d spent the day at Ryler, touring the arena, JT showing them around and he and Ryker talking to some 14u boys who had a zillion questions about NCAA hockey. He’d also introduced them to Tyson, who, interestingly enough, was now in a relationship with Matt. Afterward, they’d headed back to the house, taken the Jet Skis out for a quick tour of the bay, then ended with a walk along the private beach before JT and Ty prepared dinner for everyone. 

Ty laughed, placing a hand over his heart. “Swear on my fuckin’ life, babe.”  

“You actually took his stick and threw it into the stands?” 

“Sure did. He deserved it, too. First time the ref ever had to deal with that shit,” Ty said, always down for a chance to relive some of the greatest hits from his glory days as a Bridgeport Islander. “He didn’t even know what to call. I think he called it delay, right, Rook?” 

Ryan shrugged, setting his fork down, taking his napkin from his lap, and placing it on top of his empty plate. “I don’t remember. A lot happened that day.” 

“Was that the day you got knocked the fuck out and Ryan beat the guy with his stick, then got his ass kicked?” JT asked, as he scanned the table to see Ryker and Audrey’s shocked expressions, which didn’t disappoint. 

“Is this, like, what happens in the AHL?” Ryker asked. 

Ryan nodded. “When you played for Bridgeport back in our day? Yep. That team was a certified shit show. How about the night of your 21st birthday, baby?” 

Hayes put his head down, shook it a few times, then picked it back up. “Shit. I forgot all about that.” 

“What happened?” Audrey asked, getting up to begin clearing the plates from the table with Ryan. “Was it better than Jacob’s stripper-inflicted nosebleed?” 

“Nah, I think that takes the cake,” Hayes said. “But, I took almost the entire team out and got them annihilated the night before an away game. We looked like actual zombies and lost, like, 7-3. The game went on forever because everyone kept icing the puck tryin’ to get their shifts to end ‘cause we were all hungover as shit.” 

“That was the first night we hooked up, too,” Ryan said, leaning in to kiss Hayes as he took his plate. Hayes raised an eyebrow, and Ryan smiled. “One of the first nights we hooked up, I should say.” 

“So, how’d you two end up together?” Ryker asked, standing up and beginning to help clear the plates as well. “Also, I’m sorry if that’s too forward of me.” 

Hayes and Ryan looked at each other, then Hayes at JT before looking down. “Nah. It’s good. It’s just a long story, kid. A long, complicated, painful story. But the ending has been worth every bit of it.” 

Ryan nodded at him, then took the dishes inside to the main kitchen, followed by Audrey and Ryker. 

“Alright, JT,” Hayes began, as just the two of them remained at the outdoor dining table on the terrace. “So, I talked to Mike, and it doesn’t look like a combine invite is happenin’ this year. I know it’s a bummer, but I think with you playin’ next year, you’ve got a real shot. He also said that both Anaheim and Calgary have expressed interest in you, pending what you can do next year, so you’ve got options. You’ll train your ass off this summer at Ryler and make sure you’re in prime shape come August. Already got you set up with a few of the best D coaches in the area. You’ll start next week.” 

JT’s heart immediately dropped into his stomach and he took a few deep breaths to try to calm himself. 

You have to tell him. 

You can do this. 

You. Can. Do. This. 

“So, um, about that.” JT paused, as Hayes checked his phone, then put it down. “I kinda wanted to talk to you about something.” 

“OK?” Hayes responded, confused. “What’s that?” 

“So, you know I’ve had a hell of a year, right?” 

“To say the least.” 

“Yeah. But, um, I’ve been thinking about all the stuff that happened, and I kinda came to the realization that, um…” JT stopped, then stood up and pushed his chair in, breathing wildly and trying like hell to get it under control.

“JT, what’s goin’ on?” Hayes asked, following him over to where he’d wandered to the edge of the terrace and was leaning against the railing. “You good, kid?” 

Letting his head fall forward, he exhaled, then let it fly. “Ty, I don’t wanna play hockey for a living anymore. I’ve realized that my, like, passion, my calling, is helping people. I switched my major from sports management to psychology, and I’m gonna work toward becoming a licensed counselor. I’m heading back to campus for the summer, and I’m gonna take on an internship with a therapist.” His hands were shaking against the railing and his knees felt like they were going to give out at any moment. “I’m still gonna play, keep my scholarship, but I’m gonna do it for fun. I don’t…it’s not what I wanna do with my life.” 

He looked over at Hayes, who refused to make eye contact with him, staring out at the bay, his hands also shaking against the railing, but for a different reason. 

“Ty? Can you say something? Please?” JT asked, tears welling up in his eyes. 

Hayes sneered, shaking his head in disbelief. “The fuck you want me to say, JT?” 

“Anything. Something!” he cried, turning toward Hayes. “Say you’re proud of me. Say you support me. Say I’m a complete and utter disappointment. But say…fucking say something, man.” 

Hayes studied his hands for a bit, then turned and started to walk back inside. 

“Ty! Please?”

“What the fuck do you want me to say, JT?” he snapped, turning back around to face him. “After everything the two of us have done for you, after all the…bullshit you put us through, after all the fighting we did just to keep your name clean and help you get to the show, you just wanna fuckin’ give up? What the fuck would you like me to say?” 

Don’t do it.

Don’t say it.

Keep your cool.

4-7-8

4-7…

“You know, you’re fucking unbelievable!” JT yelled, clenching his fists as his eye began twitching and his posture stiffened. “Deep down, this is exactly how I knew you’d react, and fuck me for thinking you might actually give a shit about what I want for once…”

“All I’ve done for the past six years is think about what you want!” Hayes shouted, approaching JT and getting in his face. “How many times have I bailed you outta fuckin’ jail? How many times have I begged teams and scouts to give you a shot? How many times have me and that fucking man in there been to counseling because of the stress of your bullshit?” Ty jammed his finger into JT’s chest. “How many times have I come to your fuckin’ rescue so you could make somethin’ out of yourself, and this is the thanks I get?” 

“Back the fuck up off me, Ty,” JT growled through gritted teeth. “Back. The fuck. Up.” 

“Or what?”

“Back up!” JT screamed into his face. 

Hayes, not even blinking, remained firmly in place, he and JT nose to nose. “Do somethin’ then,” he said calmly. “I fuckin’ dare you to, kid.” 

A hand on JT’s shoulder was immediately followed by an arm wrapped around his chest. “Hey. I need you to breathe with me,” Audrey said softly into his ear, backing him away from Ty. “In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Breathe with me, JT, OK?” 

Once Upon a Time in Bridgeport (30)

“Shit. What happened?” Ryan asked, as he and Ryker hurried back out onto the terrace to see what all the commotion was about. 

“I’m guessing he, uh, just told Ty.” 

“Told Ty what?”

“Oh, you’re gonna love this one, Rook,” Hayes scoffed, making his way over to him as Audrey stood breathing with JT. “JT’s decided he no longer wants to play hockey for a living.” He threw his hands up. “Isn’t that just fuckin’ amazing?” 

Ryan cautiously approached Hayes, arms outstretched, inviting him in for a hug in an attempt to calm him down. “Hey. Come to me.” 

Audrey and JT on one side of the terrace, Hayes and Ryan on the other, Ryker stood in the middle and flicked his eyes back between both couples. 

When Audrey had finished breathing with JT, he left her arms and placed himself into Ryker’s, allowing himself to cry on his shoulder. “I knew he’d do this,” JT whimpered onto his boyfriend. 

“Give him a minute, baby,” Ryker said softly into his ear. “You know he’s reactive. Just…give him a minute.” 

Across the patio, a similar scene was unfolding between Ryan and Hayes. 

“It’s his life, baby. Not yours, not mine. His,” Ryan reminded his husband, kissing the side of his neck as they embraced. “Remember that.” 

After a few minutes, JT broke away from Ryker and approached Hayes and Ryan. Both Audrey and Ryker followed, hanging back a few feet. Hayes started toward JT, Ryan right behind him as well. The two of them stood facing each other in the middle of the terrace, not saying a word for a bit, as if daring the other one to commence the dialogue. 

Finally, Hayes spoke. And when he did, his tone was surprisingly gentle. “All I have ever wanted was for you to be fuckin’ happy, JT. I thought…we thought hockey made you happy.” 

JT responded in a similarly gentle tone. “It does, Ty. But not as happy as helping people does. The NHL? That’s your dream, not mine. I want something more. It’s like what you guys have done at Ryler, you know? All those families you helped, all those kids who couldn’t afford to play but you made it possible for them to peruse…no, I mean, pursue their dreams? That’s your true influence, not your time in that bullshit league. That’s the mark you’re gonna leave behind.” 

He looked at Hayes, who had tears streaming down his face, then continued. “My life has been nothing but absolute turmoil up to this point. I wanna do something that matters with the rest of it, however long that is. Because if I know anything, it’s that you never know when your time’s up, you know? Life’s too short to waste it living someone else’s dream. I need to…I need to live mine.” He offered his hand to Hayes. “I am happy, Ty. And honestly, you’ve bent over backwards for me for too long. You deserve a break, you and Ry. The only thing I need from you right now, the only thing I’m asking for, is your support.” 

“Hayes?” Ryan said. “I think he just let you know, baby.” 

Hayes nodded.

He understood.

“Jacob, we need to talk. Privately.” 

Audrey looked at Ryker, grabbing his hand. “Hot tub?” 

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, leading her back inside so they could change into their bathing suits and give JT and Hayes their space. On the way in, as they passed by JT, she reached out and touched his shoulder, a silent gesture reminding him that they wouldn’t be too far if shit hit the fan. 

And while he couldn’t quite explain it, for the first time, he knew for certain that it wasn’t going to. 

✽✽✽

Having relocated inside to the great room, Ryan and Hayes were seated on one couch, JT on another, the room remaining silent for a bit. JT desperately wanted to break that silence, but what he wanted even more desperately was for Ty to take the first step and finally admit the truth to him. 

And, though it was excruciating, he was willing to wait as long as it took. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Hayes took a deep breath, exhaled, and sat forward. “JT, this doesn’t take away from your dad or your mom, OK? Because they both loved you more than anything in this entire fuckin’ world, but I gotta tell you somethin’, and it might…it might come as a bit of a shock.” 

JT sat forward as well, clasping his hands in his lap and waiting. “I’m listening.” 

“JT, I’m…you’re…fuck. JT, you’re my…” 

“Luke, I am your father,” Ryan said under his breath, which caused Hayes to whip his head around. 

“What in the actual motherfuck is wrong with your brain?” 

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said, covering his mouth with one hand, then let out a muffled, “I’m so sorry.” 

“Did you know that, like, that line wasn’t even in the movie?” JT chimed in. “It’s something called the Mandela Effect, where, like, a large percentage of people misremember something that didn’t really happen. He actually said, ‘No, I am your father.’ Crazy, right?” He locked eyes with Hayes and continued. “Crazy how you can live your entire life believing something that was never even true. Then, one day, you’re just smacked in the face with the reality, and you realize, like, everything you ever thought you knew was a lie.” JT shook his head. “Fucking wild, if you ask me.” 

“JT, I was never entirely sure, but you’re…my kid. I’m your father, JT,” Hayes revealed, shaking, as Ryan put a hand on his thigh.

In an attempt to lighten his husband’s mood, Ryan added, “Know how you always used to yell, ‘You’re not my fucking father, asshole?’ Well, as it turns out, this asshole really is your fucking father.” 

To both of their surprise, JT shrugged. “Yeah, no shit, fellas. I was wondering how long it was gonna take you to tell me.” 

The two men looked at each other, dumbfounded. “How did you…” 

JT popped up off the couch, reached for one of the pillows, and tossed it in the air to himself as he began pacing. “Come on, Ty. I look just like you, I act just like you, I have the same stubborn ass, shitty attitude as you. The fucking T in my name is for Tyler. It’s really not that difficult, man. Lemme guess: you mailed away our toothbrushes?”  

Ty nodded, awestruck at how this conversation was turning out. 

“I figured. Listen, I’m gonna tell you right now,” JT said, tossing the pillow onto the couch next to Ryan, reaching down to the hem of his shirt, and peeling it up over his head. He turned his back to them, pointing with his thumbs to both cardinal tattoos. “This? Doesn’t change. Amara McDonough was my mom, and Jacob DiMara was my dad.” He flipped back around to face them. “This doesn’t change that.” 

“I’d never expect it to, JT,” Hayes said softly. “I just thought you deserved to know the truth.” 

“And I appreciate that. I mean, some families look…different, you know? They were my parents, but you two have always been my dads, too. I’m lucky that way. I have a lot of people who love me, and that’s…” He paused, then moved to where Hayes was sitting, grabbing his hands and pulling him to his feet. “Thank you,” he whispered, as Hayes wrapped his arms around the boy and fell forward onto him, his knees buckling from the weight of it all. He sobbed against JT’s shoulder, JT’s own sobs immediately following. 

The two stood in embrace for a bit, then looked at each other curiously before turning to Ryan, who was currently a blubbering mess on the couch, complete with snot flying out of his face. “Shit. Get over here, Rook,” Hayes said, reaching a hand out and inviting Ryan to join their hug. 

This moment?

It was far from perfect. 

In fact, it was raw, real, and a downright mess. 

But that’s how people fix themselves and figure out who they’re meant to be: by first breaking through the shell of who they were. 

As the three pulled apart after what seemed like forever, Ty put a hand on his son’s shoulder. “You’re gonna be one hell of a fuckin’ counselor, kid. You know that?” 

JT smiled. “Yeah? You really think so?” 

“Fuckin’ right I do. You have my full support. I just, uh, wanted to make sure you know that.” 

“Mine too,” Ryan chimed in, placing a hand on JT’s other shoulder. “But, you already know that.” 

“I do.”

JT debated this next part, but ultimately decided that, since they were assembling the puzzle of his life tonight, there was still a huge piece missing. “So, like, there’s one thing that I still need to know, something that doesn’t add up.” 

“And what’s that?” Hayes asked. 

“What really happened with you two and my mother?” 

“There it is!” Ryan said, moving his hand off JT’s shoulder and clapping a few times. “There it is.” He looked over at Hayes, who was hanging his head and rubbing his face with both hands. “Come on, baby. We knew he’d ask someday.” 

Hayes lifted his head, nodded slowly a few times, then motioned for JT to have a seat, which he did. 

Sitting back down on their couch, Hayes and Ryan took each other’s hands and sighed, before Ryan cleared his throat. 

“So, once upon a time in Bridgeport…” 

✽✽✽

“...and so, as space expanded and cooled over time, subatomic particles merged. Those atoms began to evolve, and that resulted in what we know today as far off galaxies, stars, and planets. There are these telescopes that work together across a lot of the electromagnetic spectrum…” 

“Great job, Nerd. You officially fucking bored my girlfriend to sleep,” JT teased, stepping into the hot tub in just his briefs, then flicking some water onto Audrey, who’d fallen asleep in the corner listening to Ryker’s titillating lecture on cosmic origins. 

Her eyes shot open, as she regained her surroundings, JT swimming over, wedging himself between them, and wrapping an arm around each of their shoulders. “Hey,” she said groggily, as he kissed her cheek. “How’d it go?” 

“Oh, it…went,” JT responded, leaning over and kissing Ryker on the cheek as well. 

“Give us the highlight reel,” Ryker said, running a hand along JT’s bare thigh underwater, stopping just shy of his dick. 

“I’m gonna give you something else if you don’t stop touching my leg like that.” JT nuzzled his face against Ryker’s neck. 

“Promise?”

“OK, you two can touch each other’s dicks later. Seriously, how’d it go?” Audrey asked, as JT sat back up between the two of them, reaching for their hands underwater and gripping them. 

“Well,” JT took a deep breath, then began. “So, my mom was a complete cougar and had, like, a thing with both Ryan and Ty when she was 41 and they were 23 and 20.” 

“Holy shit, I knew it!” Audrey exclaimed, both of them turning to look at her. “What? I read Ry’s memoir. I always thought ‘The Roomie’ was your mom, and I was right.” 

“Congratulations? Anyway, they…kinda wanted it to be like this, but it never worked for them. There was too much jealousy and they couldn’t get past it. Oh, yeah. Um, so, Ty’s my real father. He and my mom kinda had a bit of an obsession with each other when they were younger.” 

“That’s…really no surprise,” Ryker said. “You two are like twins.” 

“Jacob, are you OK?” Audrey asked, concerned, noticing the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “That’s a lot, baby.” 

He nodded as a few escaped down his cheeks. “It is, but I’m OK. Like, even though some of it was uncomfortable to hear, it was so cool to get a glimpse of what she was really like. All I ever knew her as was Mom, but she was this whole other person before me, and…it’s just a different side of her, you know? And listening to the way they talked about her? She wasn’t, like, some piece of ass to them. They loved her, and she loved them, too. And it was…beautiful and tragic all at the same time.” 

Both Ryker and Audrey dropped their heads onto JT’s shoulders, and the three sat there together, hand in hand, unsure of what the future held, but knowing that no matter what it was, they would face it together as a team.

After a few minutes, Ryker said, “You ever get the feeling you’re being watched?” They looked up to the second floor to see Ryan and Hayes leaning against the patio railing, staring down at them. All three of them waved, and they waved right back. 

Meanwhile, up on the terrace, Ryan and Hayes looked on as JT, Ryker, and Audrey got cozy in the hot tub. “We look like straight up fucking creeps right now. You know that, right?” Ryan said, as they both stopped waving at the trio. 

“Nah. It’s…beautiful, Rook. The three of them, it’s…”

“What we were never able to be?” Ryan interrupted, and Hayes nodded. 

“Yep. Tell you what, though. I don’t regret a thing, Rook. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a fuckin’ thing. Not one thing.” He paused, then asked, “Would you?” 

“Me? Oh, hell yeah. I’d change it all. I would’ve never even signed with the Isles organization in the first place and avoided this entire shit show.” He side-eyed Hayes, who nudged him in the ribs. 

“You’re a fuckin’ dick.” 

“Yeah, but I’m your fuckin’ dick.” 

“That you are, Rook.”

They stood there watching for a bit, smiles creeping across both their faces as the three had moved from the hot tub into the pool. Laughing hysterically, Ryker and JT ganged up on Audrey, dunked her, then panicked and swam away frantically as she came back after them, thirsty for revenge. 

“He’s happy, Rook,” Hayes said softly, his voice cracking slightly. “He’s finally fuckin’ happy. She’d be so proud of that kid, man. Our kid. I know I am. He…figured it out, Rook. He found himself.” 

“He really did.”

✽✽✽

Epilogue

10 years later

“I don’t care, but you need to go ask your uncle JT,” Raeann said, as her seven-year-old son and Ryker’s nephew, Nico, asked if he could go out back to the barn and pet the goats.

“I can take you, baby,” Audrey said, overhearing their conversation and extending her free hand toward Nico as she emerged from the house holding a huge bowl of bananas and blueberries. “I’m heading back there now to give them some of these treats. Did you wanna help me feed them?” 

He shook his head excitedly, and the two began the walk back to the barn. 

“I still can’t believe Ryk lives here with those smelly ass chickens,” Ryker and Raeann’s father, Ted, said as he grabbed a beer from a nearby cooler. He took a seat next to his daughter at one of the tables that had been set up on the gorgeous, EP Henry paver poolside patio and under the party tent they’d rented for the occasion. 

“Excuse me. That’s no way to talk about my husband and his wife,” Ryker teased, sitting in an empty chair next to his father and nudging him. “For the record, I don’t go anywhere near those devil birds. Because fuck all that. That is 100 percent Audrey. And believe me, I am not happy about it.”  

“It’s still hilarious to me that you ended up with two people who have birds tattooed on them, considering your irrational and somewhat concerning phobia,” Raeann said, tossing a Dorito at his face. 

“Ugh. Don’t remind me,” the research physicist and associate professor of physics at the University of Tampa muttered, snagging a handful of chips from the bowl in the middle of the table. “The things we sacrifice for love, right?” 

There was a lot to acknowledge that day at the five-acre McCreery-DiMara-Winston farmhouse in Lithia, a suburb of Tampa, and they’d thrown a huge party in order to make sure they’d celebrated all of it. 

First, it was Hayes and Ryan’s 30th wedding anniversary, which in and of itself was a miracle. No one would have thought that those two numb skull hockey boys, who’d married way too young after battling through jealousy, addiction, and cheating, would make it to 30 years. 

But, they had, and they’d continued to fight like hell for each other every single step of the way. 

Not only that, but after having talked about it for years, they’d just finalized the paperwork to go through with the sale of Ryler Arena. After over 17 years of running the business themselves, having never been able to find any partners with whom they were comfortable sharing it, Hayes and Ryan had decided it was time to call it quits when a golden opportunity had presented itself: Matt and Tyson put in an offer. 

The guys, who’d just gotten married, thought it would be an excellent endeavor for them, and, seeing as both Ryan and Hayes already knew and trusted them from their work as coaches within the facility for several years, agreed to go through with it. 

“Are you guys sure this is what you want?” JT had asked them recently, when they’d broken the news to him. “That arena is like your baby.” 

“Fuckin’ right it is,” Hayes had responded without so much as a second thought. “But it’s time we let our baby grow up, eh? I mean, don’t get me wrong. We’re still gonna be involved, but we need to take a step back. The amount of shit we’ve been through in our lives, especially over the past 30 years? It’s time we started livin’ for ourselves. There’s so much we wanna do and see, and it’s time we start doin’ it while we still can.” 

Second, Audrey had just signed a massive freelance contract that week for her work as a nutrition writer for a website that specialized in helping those with eating disorders. After her own struggle with atypical anorexia nervosa, she went back to school to get her bachelor’s degree in health and nutrition. Her first piece for the website would focus on the correlation between maladaptive perfectionism caused by low self-esteem and eating disorders, something about which she was positive she could write with the utmost confidence. 

She’d also published a three-book series of smutty hockey romance novels under a pen name which had actually done OK. The story centered around an older female, two younger hockey players, and their struggles as they tried to navigate a polyamorous relationship for the first time.

“Wow, I feel like I’ve…I don’t know, like, read this story before,” JT had said, as she pitched the idea to him and Ryker when she’d first started writing the books. 

“Yeah, it sounds vaguely familiar,” Ryker had added. “Probably just a coincidence, though.” 

More times than the guys could count, they’d be minding their own business watching a movie or getting caught up on some work, when she’d bust in out of nowhere and make them test out sexual positions for believability, about which they’d always grumble. 

“Again? Come on, Aud. Just Google porn like a normal human being.” 

“No. I have to make sure it works. So, here, Ryk, if his ass is there, and my one hand is here, what happens if you flip this way…” 

They had to give it to her: her dedication to authenticity was to be commended.

Third, Dr. Jacob Tyler DiMara was celebrating the six-month anniversary of having opened his own private practice as a licensed professional counselor specializing in the areas of anger management, grief counseling, learning disabilities, and polyamory coaching. 

The road to getting his doctorate in psychology had been a long one, with him threatening to quit at least once a week. But, with Audrey and Ryker by his side, that was never an option. 

He and Ryker had married during their senior year at Penn State, with Audrey acting as the best woman for both of them. They’d both stopped playing hockey following their junior year, as the academic demands of their majors just didn’t allow for it. However, that didn’t stop the Penn State D1 men’s hockey team, including some of the upperclassmen who’d already graduated, from throwing them the absolute dopest on-ice wedding celebration Pegula had ever seen. 

About a year after Ryker and JT had married, JT and Audrey had taken part in a commitment ceremony, with Ryker acting as the best man for JT and the man of honor for Audrey. Since they weren’t able to legally marry, this was the next best thing. 

“I don’t give a fuck about a piece of paper, Audrey,” JT had told her when they’d begun discussing it, with Audrey worried that since it wasn’t legally binding, it wasn’t real. “There is a part of my soul that, no matter what happens with anyone else, belongs completely to you. Not to Ryker. To you. And I’m gonna refer to you as my wife, because piece of paper or not, that’s what you are.” 

Shortly after both boys had graduated, the three bought the Lithia farmhouse using some of JT’s inheritance. They’d moved to Florida not only to be closer to Hayes and Ryan, but also since both boys were continuing their education at the University of Tampa, where Ryker eventually ended up getting hired. While the guys worked on their degrees, Audrey filled several of the five acres with a variety of animals, including goats, alpacas, honeybees, and much to Ryker’s dismay, chickens. Even bringing them home from Tractor Supply as teeny, fuzzy chicks had done nothing to ease his panic. 

“Nope. Fuck that. Aud, get them away! Get them away, Aud!” he’d screamed, running dramatically and flailing through the kitchen as Audrey tried to stick the little peeping baby birds in his face, JT having practically pissed himself at the sight of it. 

“There’s my husband!” JT called, sliding into a seat next to Ryker at the table he was sharing with his father and sister. “I missed you,” he said, throwing his arms around him and planting a kiss on the side of Ryker’s neck. 

“It’s been, like, a half hour,” Ryker said, closing his eyes and enjoying his husband’s touch. 

“That’s a half hour too long.”

“I don’t know if I ever told you guys this, but it’s actually sickening how fucking adorable the two of you are,” Raeann gushed, watching them together. 

“About a thousand times, Rae,” Ryker said with a wink. “But I like hearing it.” 

“I’m gonna grab another beer,” Ted said, getting up. “Does my son-in-law need anything while I’m up?” 

“Nah, I’m good, Dad. Thanks.” 

“And I’m good, too, Dad!” Ryker called after him, throwing his hands up, then shaking his head. 

Ted turned around. “Nope. I’m just way too disappointed in my gay son to get him anything.” 

Ryker rubbed his forehead. “Oh, my God. I’m never gonna live that down, am I?” 

“Guess we see who the favorite is,” JT teased, looking away, then smiling at Raeann. “Anyway, should I, like, give a toast or something, or just let people do their thing?” 

“I would just let them do their thing,” Ryker said. “Besides, no one wants to listen to you talk anyway, Banner.” 

“Well, I’ve got 86 patients who would beg to disagree, Nerd.” 

Suddenly, two new voices came into the picture. 

“All I said was maybe you should sit down for a few minutes, give it a rest.” 

“Maybe you should sit the fuck down, Rook, and stop worryin’ about what the fuck I’m doin’, eh?” 

Everyone turned their heads when they heard Hayes and Ryan bickering as they approached the table, Hayes limping slightly as Ryan pulled out the chair next to JT for him. “Here. Sit.” 

Hayes, rolling his eyes at his husband, winced as he took a seat next to his son. “I’m gonna knock his ass out, JT.” 

“Yeah? In other news, water’s wet,” JT quipped, winking at Ryan, who stuck his tongue out at his husband behind his back. 

“You know, I love you, but you’re getting exponentially crankier as you get older,” Ryan told Hayes, squeezing both his shoulders. “Anyway, I’m getting a drink. You want anything?” 

“Yeah, double bourbon on the rocks.” 

“Ha ha. Very funny.” 

Hayes and JT watched as Ryan walked away, then JT turned toward his father. “And why are we limping?” 

“Ah, it’s nothin’. Just my fuckin’ knee. Tweaked it skatin’ a few months back and it’s just takin’ a bit to heal.” 

“Do you think maybe you should go have it checked out? I mean, all the shoulder surgeries you’ve had, I’d think you’ve gotta be due for a free one on your punch card at this point.” 

“That’d probably be the smart thing to do. But we all know I ain’t smart, so there’s that. What’s goin’ on, Ryker?” Hayes changed the subject. “You discover any new planets or some shit yet?” 

“Not yet. But,” he said, his eyes lighting up, “I did just finish up a killer experiment. The university received a grant for this really high-tech electron microscope, and basically we were tasked with looking to see if…” 

JT dropped his head into his hands, then looked over at Hayes. “You really had to get him started, didn’t you?” 

Even though JT and Hayes were having a side conversation, Ryker kept talking, turning toward Raeann. 

“Look at him. He just keeps goin’,” Hayes marveled. “He’s very passionate about his job, eh?” 

“That he is.”

A few minutes later, Audrey and Nico approached the table, with Nico running up to his mother and Audrey setting the empty bowl down. 

“Mommy, the goats are so cute!” Nico shrieked. “Can we get one? Please? Please can we get one?” 

“Yeah, no. We don’t really have the space for that. Hey, let’s go get you changed and we can swim for a bit, OK?” Presumably bored to death by her brother’s scientific ramblings, Raeann took her kid and made a quick exit, leaving Audrey, Ryker, JT, Ted, Hayes, and Ryan, who’d returned with drinks and a plate of food for his husband. 

“Here. I didn’t know what you’d want, so I got you a little bit of everything,” Ryan said, placing the plate in front of his husband. 

“You really are good to me, Rook.” 

“I have no choice. I’ve invested way too much time into this thing, honestly.” He nudged his husband, then turned toward Audrey. “So, the goats still being dramatic?”

“Yep. You should see them when it rains. Full on screaming temper tantrums and right into the shelter. They really don’t like getting wet.” 

“How many are you up to now?” 

“Still just the two ladies. They’re both really sweet, though Amara is much mouthier than Pam. She literally will not let you have the last word. Sometimes I just have to give up and walk away.” 

Hayes, Ryan, and JT all smiled at the same time. 

“That…makes so much sense,” Ryan said, as Hayes leaned in and examined his eyes. “What? I’m not crying, I swear.” 

“Yeah, OK. Thirty some years and all it’s ever taken is one mention of that woman’s name for instant tears.” 

“I’ve gotten better,” Ryan argued. 

“No, you haven’t.”

“Um. yes I have…” 

The two continued bickering back and forth as Hayes alternated between taking bites of his food and feeding them to his husband. 

“Oh, wow. That’s really good,” Ryan said with his mouth full and pointing to a section of the plate.

“Fuckin’ right it is. Here, try this one…” 

✽✽✽

A few hours later, when the party had ended and everyone had left, Audrey, Ryker, and JT sat cuddled together on their oversized outdoor daybed next to the pool, having decided to leave the rest of the cleanup efforts for tomorrow since it was getting late. JT lay in the middle, with Audrey and Ryker snuggled up next to him on either side, as they watched the sun sink down below the trees in the distance. 

“Ryk, don’t forget to call and make an appointment this week. The TLX is overdue for an oil change,” Audrey reminded him. 

“Already got it in my calendar,” he told her, nuzzling further into his husband’s neck. “Oh, and if you’re going shopping tomorrow, make sure you pick up a bottle of red wine. Something dry, preferably, maybe a Cabernet. I’m gonna make those braised short ribs that you like.” 

“Ooh, nice. Can you do the garlic mashed potatoes, too? Those were bangin’.” 

“Anything for my favorite girl,” Ryker said. 

JT smiled, taking in every single second of this moment, this seemingly mundane moment, as he listened to his two favorite people in the entire world make plans for oil changes and grocery shopping as they viewed the sunset from the poolside patio of their five-acre farmhouse. 

As it often did in moments like this, JT’s trauma crept to the surface and began telling its ugly lies. 

You don’t deserve this. Or them. 

This will all be taken from you, too, someday. 

Don’t get too comfortable. 

They just haven’t figured out that you aren’t worth it yet. 

JT knew that, as a trauma survivor, he’d never be free from the pain, that it’d always be there, lying dormant under the surface and waiting for any chance to rear its ugly head and attempt to take him down. 

Fortunately, he also knew that he was in control of his response to it, as well as how much power he allowed it to have. 

His breathing beginning to quicken, he reached over to Ryker, grabbed his left arm and pulled it across his body so it rested in his lap, then reached over to Audrey, whose arm was tucked under her head. “Arm.” 

She shifted, knowing exactly what he needed and laying her left arm across JT’s lap as well. He placed his in the middle of both of theirs. 

Without being told, the two of them flipped their arms wrist side up so he could admire the three tattoos together, which was one of the distraction coping mechanisms that proved effective for him every time. 

Just the sight of all three of them together was enough to quiet the self-doubt. 

4-7-8

In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. 

And he knew he was going to be OK.  

✽✽✽

Acknowledgement

And just like that?

It’s time to say goodbye to the Bridgeport boys.

Writing and publishing this book wouldn't have been possible without the help of some amazing people.  

To my husband: thank you for your support and for the hours you (yet again) held down the fort while I wrote, read, edited, and had my little freakouts. I love you, and I hope someday you will read this.

To my besties (CR and GR): thank you for always being my very first readers and my biggest cheerleaders. It’s an honor to let you get the first look at my writing. Love you both to pieces. 

To my beta readers: some of you have been there since day one, and that’s beyond amazing to me! The love, the support, the feedback, and the excitement you have all had for this story have been life-giving and made this possible. I appreciate each of you so much and I cannot thank you enough. You’re all amazing. 

To my parents: thank you both (yet again) for the support and the encouragement. Your enthusiasm for my writing and my books is amazing, and I’m so lucky to have it.

To my readers (especially my ARC team): thank you for taking a chance on me and my stories. Thank you for your comments, your reviews and ratings, your social media posts, and your messages. They mean the world to me.

If you enjoyed this story, please consider giving it a positive review on Amazon, Goodreads, Instagram, Storygraph, TikTok, or Facebook (and whatever else I may have missed because I’m old). Your support is much appreciated!

THANK YOU FOR READING!

Coming Soon...

I’m not entirely sure what’s up next, but I have some ideas, for sure. 

Whatever it is, it will feature hockey boys.

And smut. Lots of smut.

Check out my Instagram, website, or email me for updates: 

Instagram: @author_chmaddington  

Website: https://chmaddington.wixsite.com/author-ch-maddington

Email: chmaddington@gmail.com